What’s Your Judas

photo by vaticanus

photo by vaticanus

“Hey, Scott…pssst….hey buddy…..come here, shhhh.  Look, if you’ll help me crucify him….” he looks to the left, then looks to the right, “I’ll give you all of this alcohol.” Revealing the spread there before me was just about all the alcohol I could stand, for a few days even.  

I would like to think that unlike Judas, who accepted 30 silver coins for what turned out to be the same thing, I would have not even took a second to think it over.  A very defining, resounding NO would be coming from my mouth as I turned and walked away, proud of myself, proud of my decision.  After all, I was one of the twelve, the “elite”, a true apostle.  

We discussed Judas in our Wednesday night class.  I put myself in Judas’ shoes and you know what.  I believe that I too would have done the same thing.  I DID do the same thing, for many years. Here’s how I got there.

The Past

Back in my drinking days, my days of denial, if Jesus would have been in the room and said, “Hey ya’ll.  Listen.  Somebody in this classroom who has read from the scripture tonight is going to betray me.  But Whoo..wee.. I pity da fool.” (It’s now 2008, I think he would have talked a little more down to our level. I mean, after all, he was real.)

Guess who in that room would have been the first to say, “Nope…not me man. No way would I do it, would I teacher?”  That’s right, good ol’ Scott.  What does the teacher know right?  I mean, there’s no way he could have known, right?  

Unfortunately for me at the time, it wasn’t the family, the friends, or most importantly Jesus that I was looking out for.  It was number 1, me.  

Jesus would say, looking directly in my eyes.  I can almost see the pain that he would be going through as he muttered the words, “Fraid so Scott.  You da man.”  I wonder if he had those nerves in his stomach working their way up into his throat as he said it.  As a father would tell his son “This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.”  I wonder?

Anyway…laughter would ensue.  More teaching, the Lord’s Supper, singing.  You know, Sunday morning church services.  The whole time, I would have been like Judas.  Playing along, singing along.  Listening.  Sometimes, sometimes even serving my brothers and sisters as the reminance of the night before were still wearing off, yet heavy on my mind.  Even then, waiting, looking for that next opportunity to hammer the nails in his wrists.  

Reality Check

Now listen. No, that wasn’t how my thinking was then. I didn’t think of myself as Scott the Betrayer, or Scott the Doubter, all the time.  (Toward the end of my church attendance, yeah, it got to be a bit much. That and I couldn’t wait to get out to go pickup the beer for the night.)

In Mine Own Eyes

In church, I was worshiping just like everyone else, or so they thought.  Shoot, I had lied to myself so much I almost betcha I believed it myself.  Alcoholism. Good grief.  Anyway…others not knowing, that’s all that really mattered, in my mind.  As long as I was ok with them, then all was fine, just as long as I didn’t get caught.  I keep saying it folks, self-will run riot.  

Finally

Judas’ weakness was money. He was a bit greedy I think, as he was already a thief for stealing money in the past.  We don’t know a lot about him, but now I picture him as being a moneyholic.  Money was his weakness.  The devil dressed in his appealing attire in the form of Silver, very attractive to Judas.  He was able to convince Judas that he was doing the right thing.  Judas let his guard down and was swallowed up in his weakness. It cost him his life. The guilt, I know he felt.  

I’ve got my guard up as I know what one of my Judas’ are.  I feel now that I would be able to turn and walk away.  But alas, satan and his demons will find me when I’m at my weakest.  They are sitting right here waiting for me to release my hold on God so they too can come dressed for success and once again, pull me to the cross,  hammer and nails in hand, ready to crucify him once again.

Alcoholics, listen up.  Your not fooling anyone.  Life is so amazing without that demon by your side everyday.  Shoot, even if he is by your side, finding God will help you look that demon in the face and laugh. 

For everyone else, what’s your Judas?  How do you tame your Judas’?  Got your guard up?

 
Sc

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6 Comments

  1. Posted November 6, 2008 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    Interesting article. As you say we all have our Judas’, it’s just a question of whether we know it or not. More importantly if we’re willing to admit it to ourselves, nevermind others. I look forward to reading more from you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Judas used in this perspective in Church, I think more preachers should take your approach.

  2. Posted November 6, 2008 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    Neil – Hey man! Thanks for stopping by. This was my take on that whole Judas situation. I’d never heard it that way either, so I was a bit skeptical to post it. Now that I’m level headed (more than I was anyway) I just felt I needed to.

    I’m glad you stopped in for a visit. Look forward to having you around!

  3. Posted November 6, 2008 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

    Hi Scott – First off, thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. It was from there, I found your blog. I love how that works.

    I do agree, we all have our Judas’ and it’s how we handle them that determines the outcome. I love how you shared your story and how instead of being tempted, you’re stronger. You’ve come a long way, haven’t you? Kudos to you for sharing your journey as well as your experiences. I’m guessing your story will help many.

    That which you write is the foundation of what could be a fabulous virtual support group for other alcoholics and/or addicts.

  4. Posted November 6, 2008 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

    Hey Barbara- Thank YOU for stopping by here and chatting.

    I’m sure “You’ve come a long way, haven’t you?” is a rhetorical question, but, YES indeed and I feel as though I haven’t stopped. It truly is a blessing to be able to share with everyone.

    Support group is what I’m hoping for, but I’m having such a blast now, I consider it a success and am enjoying where my blogging is today.

    Again, Thanks!

  5. Posted November 7, 2008 at 10:12 am | Permalink

    One of my Judas’s would definitely be comfort. Such a deceiving little thing, being comfortable can be a powerful addiction. Once we feel it on a consistent basis, we will do most anything to keep it in it’s ‘rightful’ place. It is the desire to be comfortable that often holds me back from doing the ‘right thing’.

    I really enjoyed your post, Scott and appreciate your honesty in the blogosphere. Keep it up! Eric.

    Eric Hamm’s last blog post..The Color Of Passion | Community Insight

  6. Posted November 7, 2008 at 4:54 pm | Permalink

    Eric-I agree. It’s hard for me to get out of my comfort zone, a lot. I liken it to a turtle stepping out of it’s shell, one foot at a time, slowly, checking the ground to make sure it’s sturdy. I even give this advice to folks because even getting out slowly is better than not at all.

    Thanks for your encouragement, Eric. You are “one of those” that I look up to and admire, and I don’t even know you…. scary :)

    Thanks too for stopping by!

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