Well, turns out I guess it wasn’t the flu after all. I mean, I was able to return to work yesterday if for only half a day. But I tell ya. If that wasn’t the flu, it was a close cousin. That first day though, it was just like the flu. But, I digress.
Anyway, somehow during my down time I was able to read most of my daily feeds and comment on a few as well. Again, a good sign it wasn’t the flu because a.) I was able to lift my head enough to actually sit at a computer and b.) I was able to use my brain.
photo by anicephoto
Steps four through nine of The 12 I’ve been thinking about, a lot. It was only fitting, I guess, that in my daily reading something would come up about this. Seems to work that way more often than not. I choose to chalk that up to God. So anyway, I read How To Stop Punishing Yourself For The Past over at the Change blog over the past couple of days and it seemed to put the period, or exclamation point, at the end of my thoughts. Making action more of a necessity.
Parts of my past mistakes or wrong doings, keep coming up in brief haunting’s almost daily. Feelings of resentment, embarrassment, anger, stupidity, and others I can’t find the words for, rise up with these past doings. Fear of an image of my old self that could have been burned in someones mind, that I need to fix, for me.
These steps are something that I must do for myself and I challenge you to do the same. These 5 steps are meant for us, not for the one we will be making amends to. What better way to send a ghost to it’s grave than to destroy the source? It’s part of forgiving ourselves of our past. These steps are not just me, the recovering alcoholic, but for you as well, the friend of an alcoholic.
I’m sure that even you have THOSE thoughts that, even though you may have forgiven yourself of, still keep coming back for some reason. If that be the case, has your subconscious mind forgiven yourself of those doings? Maybe part of the “self” forgiveness is actually seeking forgiveness from those we have harmed.
Granted, people have moved on and may be very difficult to find. Amends may not be able to be made to some. Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, will help with those that we can no longer contact. More specifically, “to another human being”, will help us deal with those we can’t directly make amends to.
It will be up to us to determine just how “safe” this process is. We aren’t going to want to put ourselves in a situation that could bring harm to us or to another person. Those will most definitely have to be directed “to another human being.”
Without being too specific, I have a memory from my days in high school. A friend and myself had just been busted smoking in the boys room. Self preservation kicked in, and also self preserving my car keys and anything else I enjoyed. I denied the charge, relentlessly, right there in the principle’s office. Made a big scene, and a big ol’ fool of myself.
I returned home and told my folks what had happened, how I DIDN’T smoke (uh, I did smoke), how wrong the guys was for thinking he caught me, the good son, smoking! Well just before dad made THE phone call for some reason I caved. I admitted I indeed smoked, but I was still adamant that I was not caught smoking! Needless to say, dad couldn’t really do anything at that point (and I lost my car keys…thanks mom). I mean, I smoked. What else was he to do?
My behavior at school, my behavior towards the person that caught us, has been haunting me very very frequently since that episode happened. Several times I’ve ran into the one that caught us and I wanted to just say to him that I was sorry for what happened 20 years ago. Seemed too silly at the time. Now I know it’s for me, not him.
That’s just one example, as silly or minor as it seemed. I have more. I just have to write them down and then act. Don’t expect them all to somehow make their way across this screen, though. I mean, I do have a private side.
I’m not an expert in this area by any means. I’ve never attempted anything like this. The process is in the AA book (It’s in my list of reading there on the right bar). These steps have worked for millions before me. I can only assume it will work for us as well. Remember, you don’t have to be an alcoholic to have these hauntings.
UPDATED 11/22/2008
I’ve had some…second thoughts, I suppose is the best way to put it. What do you think of the idea? Any “gotchas” that maybe I haven’t really fully thought about?
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9 Comments
Thanks for coming over and giving me a shout on my blog-I appreciate it! This post is so very powerful Scott-your thoughts are so clear, so strong and determined-they are healing in themselves alone. Admitting wrongs in order to forgive yourself will set you FREE. No more guilt, no more punishing-just living each day to its fullest and giving thanks for all that He has done for us. God Bless You!
Leslie
Leslie’s last blog post..I’m in the Spirit
@Leslie – Not a problem. Thank your for coming over as well. Words of encouragement will definitely be needed during this. I hope it does just as intended. I fear putting myself out there, but hey, I didn’t mind so much when I was messing it up.
That fear of putting ourselves out there – that’s it I think. It makes us vulnerable. And that fear of being vulnerable is a very real feeling (and one that I have if I’m putting myself “out there”). And yet, like Leslie has said – it is so freeing. It’s like a burden is lifted from your back. We all have things that could fit into these “12 steps” – no matter what road life has taken us down.
Thank you, Scott – for sharing a part of your story here – and how it has affected you. It gives me hope in our world, and in myself…
Lance’s last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
@Lance – You know. I’ve thought about what you and I said “fear of putting ourselves out there” and I guess, until you drove it home, I didn’t really realize just how big that fear is. It is a fear that could just keep me in this spot if i’m not careful. Yes, the 12 steps, I’m sure will be used in various stages of my life. They are not limiting.
Glad to share. Hope. That’s what I’m here to give. Glad you took some of it.
…is that the same incident that resulted in my having you to write “the paper” with all the reasons why you shouldn’t smoke? I don’t remember taking the car keys. Regardless, neither worked!!!!!!!!!
@mom – I don’t remember writing the paper, and yes you took my keys. I don’t think you kept them very long though. I was pretty sure I would never be driving again though. Don’t say neither worked. A lot of the “stuff” you taught me as a child, that I seemed to blow off, has come to light recently. Remember, you taught me everything I know, I just didn’t listen. Because of YOU I am who I am. I know God.
@mom (again) – Proverbs 22:6. I couldn’t think of the verse before
You’ll know what is the best way for you to tell this person what’s in your heart. How someone reacts to my best loving efforts is beyond my control. For me, on these kinds of old issues I usually write a note and tell them all these years later I want them to know I appreciate the hard things they did trying to help me grow up from “acting out…inappropriate behaviors.” Something like that; because I never want them feeling bad for something they may well have completely forgotten.
Acknowledging some admirable quality they demonstrated in a bad situation could help them all these years later.
I’m relatively new at blogging and only a few months back to writing after a 20 year absence. You’ll never know what having you read and comment on my blog means to me. Thank you. Your words were insightful and inspiring. I just had to get over here. Glad I did; and I have much reading to do here.
It’s quite difficult to take that first step. I’ve yet to do it, fear, courage, not sure why I haven’t. I have thought about it though. I appreciate what you’ve shared here.
I’m new at blogging/writing as well. Started back in October. I was glad to have ran across your blog. Thanks for coming over! Enjoy your visit and I’ll see you around!