Am I Ever Going To Get Out Of These Woods?

photo by mikecpeck

photo by mikecpeck

As I close in on the one year mark (9 days away from 1 year of sobriety as I write this), I’m noticing some old, but very familiar things happening to me.  I’m really not liking them at all.  Some I consider just aggravations, some I see as being my little demons bouncing around from shoulder to shoulder.  (Maybe that’s why my neck/back is hurting :) )

First thing that I’ve noticed is the strong iron taste in my mouth.  It had faded away some but has reared it’s ugly head again as of late.  It’s nothing I can’t handle, but this taste is definitely a reminder of both good and bad things.  Good in that I have just that taste.  Bad that it’s wanting to be quenched.

Second, I’ve noticed that I’ve been shaking more.  Not violent shakes, just the sorta shakes that I would have when I was drinking. Again, nothing I can’t handle but a little un-nerveing.  (HA..nerveing..shakes…never-mind) A little scary too to look down at my fingers and see them darting back and forth.  Me being unable to stop them.  Not a very good feeling.

Third, I’ve been tempted by the store where I used to purchase my drinks of choice.  I drive by this location several times a day.  I usually see the familiar cars sitting in the “employees” parking spot.  The drive-thru is window open and I hear a voice coming from it saying, “Good things and good times await you, Scott.”  The cars lined up at the drive-thru and the brown paper bag passes through the window into the vehicle that waits.  Familiarity that I do not like.  Smells from the store that I can now smell.  Yet, I’m in my truck, on the other side of the road, just driving by.  Why do I have these sensations?

Finally, my mind seems to be going a million miles an hour.  Jumping from thought to thought.  Similar to the way it used to do the first 6 or so months I was sober.  Thoughts ever-changing, but as I go to write them down, another thought forms, then another, then another and I just can’t get them down on paper or out of my head.

This is making it very difficult to write.  Which is sad for me, because I do enjoy it so much.  I sit in front of the keyboard sometimes for 30 minutes with nothing worthy to be written.  2 or 3 times today I did just that.   On the difficult to write issue, this back thing that I’ve got going for me is making writing difficult too.  In between those thoughts is a bit of pain to fill in the spaces I could write.

All of these demons are here reminding me that being a recovering alcoholic is going to be a life-long battle.  A battle that sometimes takes me deeper into the darkness of the woods.  Even as I fight these demons, they drag me further back as I ask myself, “Am I ever going to get out of these woods?”

The demons hear me. They pounce upon me and look me in the eyes.  I can smell the putrid smell of times past on their breath as the hot air from their mouth hits my face.  If I listen close I can hear them say, “Not in this lifetime.” Then distant laughter fills the air.

Because of HIM

SC

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2 Comments

  1. Posted February 17, 2009 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    Good Morning Scott!
    We all have demons, whether or not we are/were alcoholics or not. No one is perfect or free of sin…for that we are most thankful to Him who gave His life for us.
    I’m glad you are able to drive by “the store”-what will power through the grace of God that you have. You should be so proud of yourself that you are able to resist the temptation before you and yes, I think it will take a lifetime of constant reassurance, strength, hope, prayer and love to remain sober for the rest of your life. It’s a hard battle, but one day at a time.
    Can you ever have imagined that you would be alcohol free for an ENTIRE year at this point? What an accomplishment. How much better do you feel having come this far? How much better do you feel about others? Your job? Your family? Life in general?
    You will continue just as you have…FREE of the worries of alcohol and all the BAD stuff that comes with it. You are free, like a bird, soaring above and knowing that God is your guide, helping you fly on His path…granting you the joy and peace of living your life without desparation or dependence on alcohol.
    Congrats on your journey to freedom. You should be so proud!

    xoxo,
    Leslie
    PS-I’m sure the roses did cost a bunch, but as my sweetheart said to me…it’s not the cost, it’s how they made you feel when you received them…whatever that cost, it makes it all worth it knowing that you felt special and that you are loved so much.

  2. Posted February 17, 2009 at 9:53 pm | Permalink

    Leslie – Thanks! I’m going to go deflate my head a bit after reading this. I do appreciate the encouraging and lifting words. And about the roses, I know they were worth it.

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