As I close in on the one year mark (9 days away from 1 year of sobriety as I write this), I’m noticing some old, but very familiar things happening to me. I’m really not liking them at all. Some I consider just aggravations, some I see as being my little demons bouncing around from shoulder to shoulder. (Maybe that’s why my neck/back is hurting )
First thing that I’ve noticed is the strong iron taste in my mouth. It had faded away some but has reared it’s ugly head again as of late. It’s nothing I can’t handle, but this taste is definitely a reminder of both good and bad things. Good in that I have just that taste. Bad that it’s wanting to be quenched.
Second, I’ve noticed that I’ve been shaking more. Not violent shakes, just the sorta shakes that I would have when I was drinking. Again, nothing I can’t handle but a little un-nerveing. (HA..nerveing..shakes…never-mind) A little scary too to look down at my fingers and see them darting back and forth. Me being unable to stop them. Not a very good feeling.
Third, I’ve been tempted by the store where I used to purchase my drinks of choice. I drive by this location several times a day. I usually see the familiar cars sitting in the “employees” parking spot. The drive-thru is window open and I hear a voice coming from it saying, “Good things and good times await you, Scott.” The cars lined up at the drive-thru and the brown paper bag passes through the window into the vehicle that waits. Familiarity that I do not like. Smells from the store that I can now smell. Yet, I’m in my truck, on the other side of the road, just driving by. Why do I have these sensations?
Finally, my mind seems to be going a million miles an hour. Jumping from thought to thought. Similar to the way it used to do the first 6 or so months I was sober. Thoughts ever-changing, but as I go to write them down, another thought forms, then another, then another and I just can’t get them down on paper or out of my head.
This is making it very difficult to write. Which is sad for me, because I do enjoy it so much. I sit in front of the keyboard sometimes for 30 minutes with nothing worthy to be written. 2 or 3 times today I did just that. On the difficult to write issue, this back thing that I’ve got going for me is making writing difficult too. In between those thoughts is a bit of pain to fill in the spaces I could write.
All of these demons are here reminding me that being a recovering alcoholic is going to be a life-long battle. A battle that sometimes takes me deeper into the darkness of the woods. Even as I fight these demons, they drag me further back as I ask myself, “Am I ever going to get out of these woods?”
The demons hear me. They pounce upon me and look me in the eyes. I can smell the putrid smell of times past on their breath as the hot air from their mouth hits my face. If I listen close I can hear them say, “Not in this lifetime.” Then distant laughter fills the air.
Because of HIM