Bringing Back the Memories/Nightmares

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.-Jonas Salk

Image by foxspain via Flickr

In rehab, patients are provided with a HUGE list of medicines to be on the look-out for as they can trigger a relapse.  Obviously, anything narcotic is a no-no and I have done very well NOT having to resort to something that strong, until this past week.  Friday actually.

Been a trying week for me mentally and physically.  Thursday’s pain was bad enough that I visited the chiropractor and he snapped and popped places that I’m pretty sure have NEVER been snapped and popped before.  It was scary because of the what if’s.  What if he makes it worse?  That was about the only “what if” I was concerned about but I was desperate for relief, and in the end, this provided some…..for a while.

Thursday night the pain was back with a vengeance and showed no signs of letting up on Friday.  The medication that I had was not touching it in the least.  The pain was thought wrenching, always staying at the forefront of my mind. Nagging and crying out to me for a resolution.

There were a couple of episodes that involved tears from frustration and pain and wonder.  I felt I had no choice but to make the call that I made and find some relief.  I must admit, the previous pain-killers and pain had beaten me down into depression and frustration to where I was NOT 100% confident that I could handle the medication and NOT relapse.

I did have some confidence though.  Reflections of the last year and how much I have been blessed.  How much more good there has been in my life than bad.  No, it’s not been perfect and I have days of wonder.  Days I have had to literally cry out to God multiple times to seek comfort.  But you know.  At least I have that option.  “That” was enough for me to decide to make the call.

But still….What if?

Well, I left work early on Friday after calling the doc to get my medication.  Headed home, built up strength, and prepared to take it.  I had taken the same thing once before at the hospital but I did not fill the prescription.  I ripped it up.  It was too enticing, too tempting.  But this time it was relief…with an evil grin.  And I took it.

It brought back memories of days I have not wanted to re-live.  Feelings of numbness and a don’t care attitude.  Not really any other feelings.  It took away the emotional pains that I’ve been struggling with.  But, it also took away the physical pains as well.  It served it’s purpose.

It also brought back the nightmares.  When it wore off, I experienced what I could only describe as being hungover.  Completely drained of all energy.  Most definitely a feeling that I didn’t like.  It’s for that reason that my confidence returned.

I’ve only taken 2 pills the whole day today.  The morning was a bit rough so, I took one. Mid-day was actually the best I’ve felt in days as far as pain goes.  This evening the pain was returning, so I’ve taken another in hopes of warding off any pains during the night.

It’s gonna be alright though.  Either way, I’ve still got God to carry me through this.  He will.

Because of HIM

SC