I had an experience last week that brought about this…thing…that has been affected by my alcoholism. I say thing because I’m just not sure if it’s an area of life, an emotion, a feeling, or if it’s even in the realm of any of those items.
Recall
Just like everything else related to alcoholism, not even alcoholism really, more like related to sin but that’s a different post, it started out small and became so large and so often that I soon stopped caring that I was doing it. What is it?
Lying about my situation.
If the guilt of drinking wasn’t bad enough, I also had to deal with the issue of hiding the alcoholism. Then worrying would I get caught. Looking back it’s just amazing how sorry of a person I was. Maybe not so much at first because it really did bother me…like that somehow makes me less sorry. I don’t think it does.
Anyway, I hated drinking and I hated lying about the fact that I was doing it and also lying to myself that I didn’t have a problem. The guilt of it all would and could be overbearing at times. So, to get rid of that feeling you know what I would do? Yep. Drink. Lots.
It was a vicious cycle and just like riding a bi-cycle, it became easier and easier and easier each time I rode. Soon the training wheels came off and I was a pro. Well, I thought I was.
When those closest to me could smell the stench of the night before on my breath or seeping through the pores of my skin, I would deny that it was me. Toward the end, I did it so much that I really think I was convincing myself that it wasn’t me that was stinking or it wasn’t me that was drinking.
It’s so strange how that works. Lying so much that your convinced by your own lies.
Recently
I experienced that guilt last week. I experienced that very same, horrible, feeling in my gut that I had just lied to someone concerning my drinking, and I haven’t had a drink in 18 months….Today! (Wow…18 months sober on 8/25/09).
As the windows rolled up in the car, the question came out “You might be in trouble,” and there was this look of shock, confusion, and disbelief. I felt as though I had just been caught, red handed, but I wasn’t sure what I got caught doing.
A scent had come wafting through the windows.
“What have you been drinking?” I was asked.
Then my mind took off. Just like old times. Like I hadn’t missed a day of drinking.
The voice in my head said, “Quick, tell her something, you gotta make her believe that you didn’t have anything to drink last night!”
“But I didn’t have anything to drink!” I told my mind. (talking to myself again)
“No matter, she’s not going to believe you.”
I’m not sure what kind of expressions I had on my face. My stomach, my mind, and my being was convinced there was no way I was gonna be believed.
I then told her, “I had a cup of coffee…a diet coke…”
Pretty much the same things I used to say.
“…I haven’t had anything to drink,” I continued. “It might be the soap I’m using or hair stuff.”
Yep, same thing I used to say.
This time I was believed. Nothing else was said and there were no more smells mentioned.
I’m sure this is a scar that I’m going to have live with for the rest of my life. Old guilt brought up at the whiff of something in the air. It wasn’t long ago that I had to hide so often that now when the questions come it’s an immediate mental reaction to take flight.
The guilt associated with lying can throw us into relapse pretty quick, I’m told. It starts a vicious cycle that leads to nothing good, I’ve been told. I’m glad I’ve only been told. Not something I want to experience.
If we do catch ourselves lying, amends MUST be made right away. That’s what step 10 is:
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”
This leads me to my next post. Be sure to come back…..I’m KIDDING! Don’t worry, there are no lies on the pages of this blog and I haven’t been drinking.
Honest, I haven’t.
Because of HIM
SC
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