I’m really getting aggravated at myself. I’m getting aggravated at the voices in my head that shouldn’t be there. No, not like wacky or anything. Just, it seems at the most inconvenient times a thought will go through my head and seem to deflate me for hours.
That’s when those voices (thoughts) start pressing and won’t let me stop thinking about whatever is causing me grief. I pray and I try to let it go, let God have those thoughts, but they come back quickly and the anger or whatever negative emotion happens to be associated with them, returns in full force. Maybe even worse than before.
It’s not long before those thoughts start me spiraling into a pit that takes the entire day to get out of. Darkness everywhere. I see the light but it’s as if every ounce of me tries to avoid it. Or the light is like a spotlight that is swiveling in every direction and no pattern to follow.
So, why is it so difficult to take those thoughts captive? No, I don’t think you can answer that for me unless you have a couch I can lay on while you drill me with questions. But, you might have some insight.
Then after you give me the advice, why is it so difficult to put that advice into practice?
Again, one second I’ll be all gung ho and ready to run with whatever advice comes my way. I’ll have thoughts of “I need to do such and such.” I plan it all out in my head, then nothing happens.
The advice goes by the wayside. The need to do ends up in file 13. If I do start something new, successfully, I will be lucky to do it for more than a month.
It’s like, the newness wears off and I don’t see the benefits or positives as I did before. So, I quit. Sometime abruptly. Sometimes it will be a day or two and then I’ll remember how good it felt and I’ll do it more, but inevitably, I’ll stop.
Why is it so difficult to change? Is all of this just part of the recovery process? Is this who I am? Is this who I’m going to be? Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?
It makes me feel fake. I don’t think I am, but you should see or hear some of the silliness that goes on inside this head of mine. I just want to be real. I want to be normal.
Why is it so difficult?
Because of HIM
SC
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3 Comments
Why is it difficult? For me, it’s just laziness.
But here’s what I’ve learned. The only way to truly take thoughts captive, is to replace them with the truth. It’s why knowing what God says in the Word is so important. It’s our main defense against the enemy who is often the planter of those thoughts. He plants them, we water and nurture them, when we should be pulling them out by the roots.
“Is this who I am? Is this who I’m going to be? Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?”
These are also thoughts that must be taken captive. These are questions of defeat. If we continue to ask questions like this, we will start to believe they are true. Rather, we should be declaring that this is NOT who I am. I am a child of God and I will allow Him to change me. I will NOT always be like this. I will NOT always be controlled by these thoughts, because God has a plan for me, and this isn’t it. God’s plan is to prosper me, not to harm me – these thoughts are harming me – a plan for the future that doesn’t not include these thoughts. His plan is full of hope. I will not be taken down by these thoughts. I will walk in the power that is in me because the Holy Spirit dwells within. The Holy Spirit gives me power over these thoughts. He makes it possible for me to overcome these thoughts, but when I try to do it on my own, I fail. I am secure, I am fearless, I am full of the love of the Father, which leaves no room for anger, bitterness, frustration, insecurity, fear, hopelessness.
This came to mind:
“When a corrupting spirit is expelled from someone, it drifts along through the desert looking for an oasis, some unsuspecting soul it can bedevil. When it doesn’t find anyone, it says, ‘I’ll go back to my old haunt.’ On return, it finds the person swept and dusted, but vacant. It then runs out and rounds up seven other spirits dirtier than itself and they all move in, whooping it up. That person ends up far worse than if he’d never gotten cleaned up in the first place.” Luke 11:24-26
We can expel the thoughts from our heads but if we don’t replace it with good, true, life-giving thoughts, they come back with a vengeance. I feel I can say these things because, as you know, there are a lot of really loud thoughts that run around inside my head, so I hope this makes sense.
Shine up your armor – and don’t fight alone. The battle continues but the rewards will be amazing.
(And… normal? What does that mean anyway?)
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Couldn’t Have Said it Better Myself =-.
Sorry… that was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Couldn’t Have Said it Better Myself =-.
Scott,
I think a lot of people struggle with “conflicting voices” (not the wacky kind) inside their heads, whether they are a recovering alcoholic or not. I know I do. You’re not alone, brother!
The one thought that kept running through my head as I read this post, as you repeatedly asked why, as you asked if this is who you are now … was this: “Maybe this is who God wants you to be, at least for now. Maybe there is someone who will one day benefit from having YOU to lean on as THEY experience those gnawing feelings of frustration and depression, because you were once there, and you made it through.”
So, now, you just have to make it through. I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for being, especially when you’re at the bottom of one of those downward spirals. Just hang on. Hang onto God; hang onto the strength He has given you deep within; hang onto the hope that you WILL make it through; hang onto that wonderful testimony of faith and strength that is posted in the top left corner of every page on your blog: “1 year of sobriety, February 25, 2009.” See, I told you that you were strong!
I learned not too long ago that one of the signs of strength of character is the ability to “struggle visibly”. Thank you for being a person of strong character, Scott. You will make it through this, brother, because God has big plans for you! You are in my prayers.
Your brother,
Paul
.-= Paul O’Rear´s last blog ..A Simple Sign =-.