Counting Down – 10

Ten days until surgery and I’m still well beyond ready for it.  A big reason I’m ready is so I can get off this medication.

From the beginning of this mess, the pain meds were a huge concern for me because of the issues with addiction that I have.  While I was in rehab, there were folks there that were addicted dependant on pain pills because of pretty much the same issue that I’ve got.  They had become dependant on them from the process of having to fight pain.  I don’t want that to be me.

To fight the issue I’ve made sure that on just about every visit to the Dr. I remind them about my issues with addiction.  I make sure they understand that I’m bothered by the possibility of becoming dependant on pain pills.  Every time I’m reassured that he will not let me get to that point.  Still, even being under the doctors care, it’s a concern.  My thoughts are it’s most likely good to have that concern otherwise I think there is more of a chance of falling down that path.

Another problem that I’ve had with the medication is that it’s really messed with me on an emotionally level.  Sure, I’m not hurting as much physically, but mentally it’s been like living in a torture chamber. 

I’ve not felt like doing anything.  No motivation to get motivated.  Some of the lack of motivation is from the pain in general.  There are days, even with so much medication, that it hurts to do anything, so I don’t.

Depression is another word that gets thrown around a lot.  I just don’t feel like Scott.  Most of the time I feel like I’m only existing, and that’s all.  Again, part of that is from the pain.  I think, rather I hope, that the majority of the depression is coming from the medication itself.

Part of me looks back on all of this and I think to myself that with all of the negative that seems to be coming from the medication, there is no way I could become addicted to the stuff.  Having been an addict, I don’t see how others are addicted to the mess.  As soon as I typed that last sentence I was rushed back to my days of drinking and I remember how awful I felt during that time.  Sleepy, depressed, etc., and I see how others are addicted.

I’ve already started the process of stopping one of the medications that I’ve been taking.  I have  had to increase another to fight the pain that is normally masked by the one that I’ve stopped.   Still, it’s one less that I’m hoping to have to deal with when the time comes.

Can I tell that I’ve stopped?  YES!  The one that I’ve stopped was really doing a good job of masking some pain.  It’s not masked anymore.  Pain levels have increased exponentially but no withdrawals that I was concerned about.  I did take it again for a couple of days through Christmas after being off of it for 4 days or so, that’s when the pain level shot up.  I’ve now stopped it again and today has been a really rough day.

I think I can make it 10 more days though.  The light keeps getting brighter and brighter.

Because of HIM,

SC