- photo by dazzied
I’ve been debating this for some time. Putting this page here for those of you, any of you, who have questions pertaining to alcoholism, alcoholics life, living with an alcoholic (though, other than living with myself I may not have a good one for that). You don’t have to be an alcoholic to ask questions. I hope that this can be used to educate others on the disease. It’s not just drinking folks, it’s a way of life, as bad as that is.
If this goes swell enough, I may start a forum and see what direction that takes me. But for now, this will be my “direct” communication I guess, for lack of a better word.
Anytime you have a question for me, come here, ask, and I will give you an answer. It may come in a daily post form, or it may be a simple reply via email, but I will try my best to answer it with lots of thought and honesty.
Now obviously, the questions should pertain to alcoholism, or just anything life related I guess, so don’t ask me when do I think the world is going to end, or what the square root of root is, cause I’m just not going to answer that. Why? Cause I don’t care, 
I’m just not that smart, and because that’s not why I’m putting this here.
Keep checking back for updates etc. So, let the fun begin!
Because of Him
-Scott
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39 Comments
Good for you, I’m sure everyone will appreciate you putting yourself out there.
I kinda have a personal question, and if you don’t want to answer it, it’s totally okay with me. What got you started drinking (if you know) and when did you realize there was a problem? (if it’s somewhere in your blog, you can just refer me back to that entry.)
Like I said, if you don’t feel comfortable answering, I totally understand
Don’t mind answering at all. It really helps ME to talk about it.
I’ll include a link afterwards that kind of details this a little better, well I think it does. May just muddy it up. I think also in another post, I mentioned this too, er..maybe I just thought it..oh well. When I took my first drink, I didn’t know know it, but I really liked where it took me. I think subconsciously, I knew then that I was an alcoholic. Then, for years and years I just drank on the weekends. But, they would be binges. I would usually do ok through the week. When I was, oh, 21 22..somewhere around there I really had a rough time with it. Love lost, and the only thing that “helped” was good ol’ alcohol.
I think when it started getting bad bad was about 7 years ago or so. Trouble with the wife, life etc. Then when we got divorced I think I just didn’t have anything to do anymore. I remember the first Monday night that I got drunk and had to go to work. It was a 6 pack of beer (12oz.). Then it got to be Monday and Tuesday, and built up to every single day, at LEAST 6 16oz sometimes a half a case a day.
I say all of that to say, I guess, just not wanting or being able to deal with life started it. Being an alcoholic took it to where I almost lost it all. I used to also blame my friends for getting me started, but in this post, I guess I had an awakening. It Was Their Fault Not Mine
That’s what I’ve got for now. If it’s more muddy, just say so and I’ll do a little more thinking on it. Actually, I probably will anyway…for a long long time.
My question is after 11 roller coaster years of having an A boyfriend why does he hate me (or at least I feel like he does) now that he’s in recovery? A real quick background on us and our relationship is that we dated, then practically lived together, then finally bought a house together, as you can imagine life was a roller coaster with a few break ups in between and lots of turmoil. I finally moved out, his drinking got worse and after about 3 months i made the mistake of talking to him (of course by my own doing). He was such a lieing mess and one nite after ignorning him for a few days I got a call from him asking for help, so 4 days later I flew him to MN to the best rehab in the country. Got all kinds of letters and words of apology, yada, yada from him, picked him up at the airport after his 28 days, hung out with him and tried to support him only to have him ignore me after a couple days. I tried to talk to him to understand but he can’t communicate to save his life so there I am as always, holding the bag, wondering what the hell just happened here. Then of course he fell off the wagon a few months later, whose the 1st person he called to save him? Me! Of course now he tells me we’re best friends, we’re best friends, blah, blah, blah. I could see he was spinning out of control, he kept breaking down, all the while, being nasty to me, making up lies about me and my family to other people, dating girls, all while he’s telling me i’m his best friend. I never saw him so out of control in the whole 11 years i knew him. I got the impression that he wanted everyone to hate me and acted as if i was the enemy when he cried out to all his co-workers telling them what a mean person I was. Then he tried to commit suicide so it was off to a hospital then right into another rehab. I’ve had minimal contact with him since he’s been out of his 2nd rehab but I’m taking care of his poor cat in all this mess. He’s fortunate that his boss has been in recovery for about 5 years now and is trying to help him and is letting him live with him for a few months til he gets in a better place and of course still has that wonderful job! My expectation this time around was that I would receive the same treatment when he got out of rehab as he did the first time he went, so I’m not surprised that he barely wants to talk to me or act like he cares. But it hurts bad and I just do not understand. Did he ever actually care or love me, why would he push me away when he really needs support. I know he doesn’t barely speak to any of his other friends and these friends are not users so I just dont get that either. the only thing he cares about is work, which is how he was during our relationship too. Work was always most important, that and drinking of course. I tried to talk to him a little about how he felt when it came to me and he just instaneously gets aggravated. And of course twists things around so that its like I’m trying to create a problem. All this just cuts like a knife and is so hard to understand. Does he really hate me or himself projecting it on me?Please any insight you have to offer would be helpful. I’ve been trying to move on in my life but every so often i take some steps backwards and all this bothers me. I feel like i need answers and i can’t get them from him.
Hey Kelly. I may have to answer this in waves. There is so much going here that I’m not sure I’ll be able to do justice to it. So, I’ll do the best I can and if something else comes up, I’ll add to it later. You may not like some of the things I say, but that can’t be helped. It’s the way it is for, I dare say, every addict in recovery.
If he is really wanting to be clean, I mean not getting clean because of someone or something else. If he is doing this for him, then to him the most important thing in the world right now is staying sober. The most important thing to him is getting through the next second without taking a drink or a hit or a smoke. Because if he doesn’t make it through the next minute and ends up with a drink/hit/smoke, then he risks immediately going back to where he was. I can tell you he does not want to go back there.
Because back there, is going to be much worse than it was. He will be angrier. He probably won’t try to commit suicide, he will commit suicide. Once we get out of recovery, the hard part has just barely begun. It’s not something that we go, ok..out of recovery, life is normal, here we go! Not like that at all. It is a very long, bumpy, treacherous road. It’s a emotional roller coaster worse than anything you’ve ever experienced, I dare say. I could be wrong there, but I doubt it. The emotions I experienced was horrific. I don’t wish dealing with those on anyone.
I don’t know him and I don’t know you. I don’t think he hates you. I gotta tell ya though, I don’t sense a lot of sympathy or empathy in your words. Ugh, that sounds harsh, sorry. I better stop before I get you completely mad at me. I do want you to read something for me though. It will explain this a lot better and probably a lot nicer than I did. I really didn’t mean to sound mean or angry toward you if I did.
Anyway, go read the two sections from the Alcoholics Anonymous book. In fact, you may want to read the whole book.
To Wives
The Family Afterward
If you still have questions, let me know. I’ll send you some emails and also check back here as I may add to.
I appreciate you coming by. It helps me to share what I feel/felt.
Because of HIM
SC
Hey Scott,
First I’d like to say that I think your willingness to share is wonderful. You are probably touching others more than you know, and helping hundreds more.
I am confused about the emotion part. I don’t understand how one can stuff feelings. I have never been able to do that.
I am pseudo involved with a man who I believe is an alcoholic. I checked in with a psychologist friend of mine, who told me what to look for, and we concluded that it probably is so. Probably what you would call a functional one. He drinks between 6-9 mostly, and has had a couple of DUI’s over the course of 10 years, so he won’t drive while drunk. He doesn’t do bars, just drinks at home. I say “pseudo” because I won’t completely involve myself with him becausse of this, and my friend the pscych told me not to because he has to stop the drinking. He said that some of the things that go on in his life are most likely “relics” of the drinking, such as a raging ex wife. He is pseudo involved with her too, although it seems like more of a roller coaster of fights, which I don’t understand. I date other men, of which there are the usual disagreements. But no raging.
We have been open with each other about dating others, and I am open with other men about it as well. I don’t believe in secrets. I have found however that the difference between my male friend that drinks and I are that I date in order to find someone compatible. He seems to date in order not to be engulfed by one woman.
Anyway, after several months, he has admitted on more than one occasion that he can’t handle emotions. He would rather not feel them. I told him that I would rather he drink a couple of beers because he likes them instead of using them to numb himself. He did try to go sober about two months ago, and did ok on his own. But with a series of controlling moves from his ex wife, and the death of his grandmother, he regressed. Quite honestly, I think it’s worse. Since I live across the street from him (which is not the best), I see him drink severly ever time he goes to his ex wife’s to see his son. I got mad about it last night when I saw him come home and do it once again, that I sent him a text stating that he needed to get help for his depression because he couldn’t wish it or drink it away anymore. He didn’t answer, although direct conflict or conversations involving emotions are something that he has always avoided at all costs.
How can one stuff emotions? I don’t get it. Really, I think I would blow up. Right before my divorce, I tried to ignore things, and I ended up with panic attacks. I had to do something. So how can someone do this for so long? (By the way, I am 40 and he is 38).
@Kay – Sharing has been one of the very important steps for my recovery. My hopes are that I touch/help others with this blog. Glad to hear that it might be working.
Now, to answer you question about “stuffing emotions.” My initial response is, I have no clue. Being a recovering alcoholic, I’ve killed way to many brain cells to be able to give you a good answer on that one
.
My second response is, to us (the man friend of yours and myself) stuffing emotions is probably as easy to do as releasing emotions is to you. I say us because that’s what I did and really, I still do it. I don’t think I’m able to stuff them as long any longer because I find myself in tears just out of the blue on occasion. But, yes, I still do it.
Maybe I do it for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings. Maybe I do it because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. Maybe I do it because I just don’t feel that releasing would benefit me or solve whatever situation has caused the emotion to begin with. I really don’t have THE answer, but I will be thinking about this and I’m glad you’ve brought it up.
Actually, for a recovering alcoholic, stuffing emotions is a bit like walking through a field of land mines. One step/stuff too many and we can blow it. This is probably why I try not to hang on to them as long.
His drinking habits sounds a lot like what mine were. I didn’t get any DUI’s because I had scared myself so bad by driving one night that I had determined I wasn’t going to do that anymore. I did do it more but not very often and I didn’t drive more than a mile or so to the store to get more alcohol.
As you’ve read I’m sure, I tried to quit on my own as well. Lasted about 2 months. Yes, when we pick up the bottle after being sober for a while, we typically start drinking heavier. That was the case in my situation.
If he wants, really wants to quit, he does have to make that decision on his own and for safety sake if nothing else, it would be really good if he could go through a rehab center. Coming off of alcohol is very dangerous and can be deadly. Blood pressures soar and things can get nasty very quickly. Rehab centers have ways of keeping the blood pressure down and he can also pickup some tools that will help him fight the disease.
Finally, see if you can locate this book for him. Alcoholics Anonymous – Big Book 4th Edition. There is probably an AA group in your area that would be glad to just give you one. I’m sure you can find the group by doing a Google search for your area.
Don’t just hand it to him. If you are over there, leave it somewhere that he will be able to find it later. This will seem less pushy to him. Just let him casually find it and and don’t offer any information about it after you leave it. If he’s serious about quitting, he’ll read the book and it will help.
You might even pick one up for yourself as it has chapters in it that will help you understand quite a bit.
Hope that helps. Keep me informed. If you have more questions feel free to ask. Also, share the link to others that you think might benefit from the information here.
Because of HIM
SC
Hey thanks Scott,
I do appreciate your reply. Ironically, the next day after I told him to do something about it, he went to the doctor and told him what was going on. The doctor gave him an SSRI, and told him to try it in order to “get him out of the bottle”. He had a couple of friends tell him that he doesn’t need it, but thank God he also understands that those friends don’t see him on a regular basis, and I don’t think they know about his drinking either. Like I said, he only drinks between 6-9, and only when he is home. I hope the doc knows what he is doing, but I am really in awe that he is taking some steps. I know it must be hard.
Quick overview…my husband was active for about 24 years…had 12 years of sobriety…went into Interferon treatment which, for him, was like hitting black ice…He nosedived into deep depression and anxiety and BOOM…here we are….
We were talking the other night, something we could not do prior to the 12 years and he asked a question I THINK I can answer, but woul really like your take on it…
He said, ‘I love you and my kids and grandchildren so much. How can I make that enough to put this down again?’
Three months ago I asked my boyfriend of three years to move because he was drinking heavily, driving, started contacting women, sitting around the house playing video games all day, not working – being completely selfish and self distructive. ( This went on for four months after he lost his job) I have an 11 year old boy from a former marriage and this was starting to affect him. Asking him to move out was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I do love him, but I cannot live with the disease. He contacted me recently telling me that he was in the deepest depression he had ever experienced. that he was “Broken” and did not know how to fix himself. It scared me and I was afraid for him. Friends of mine told me not to believe him as he was trying to manipulate me and he is still drinking. Besides a few calls and that email, I do not hear from him. He has always said he loved me deeply. The idea he is hurting, hurts me. I want to help, but I don’t know if my standing my ground is helping..or hurting him? I tell him I love him, but he has to fix this himself. Can this tough love work out somehow?
Hi! Great idea to share this information with us!.. My husband is on his second try at recovery. Things are very different this time. My question is about emotions also he seems very distance, does not talk or share things with me! He acts to me as if he no longer cares of loves me. Why is this? With that being the just of it what can you tell me so that I may better understand what he is truely feeling and why I feel so left out. I have started attending Al-anon however not ready to ask them these questions yet. Thanks for your help and input
@Francis – He has to do this for himself. Nothing else will be enough to put down the alcohol. And when he does stop his sobriety really needs to be THE most important thing to him. Depression can be expected this time too because of all the different “things” that are going to be going on in his mind as it repairs itself. I’ve heard some say that quitting drinking at some point becomes like losing a best friend. All of these emotions that have been numbed or taken away by the drinking are going to flood back in and he will need to be able to acknowledge them and also deal with them in another way, the right way. It was my experience that sometimes the emotions seemed to be magnified. I attribute that to never having dealt with them in the past.
I hope I’ve helped some. If you still have questions feel free to ask.
@Laine – Not sure about the tough love working out. I mean, I’m sure it can. It’s beyond me to really answer that question.
If he’s drinking, he’s going to be depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. Then, if he decides to not drink, the depression can get worse because he’ll have to deal with those emotions.
You’re not married to him so there is no reason you have to “live” with the disease. I think you did the right thing by kicking him out. Alcoholics have to hit the very bottom sometime before they wake up, if they wake up. So, standing your ground is good, especially if there is a chance that you are an enabler for him. If he wants to fix it, he’ll have to do it for himself. There really isn’t anything that you can do to make him want to quit drinking.
Scott
@Sherry – If he is serious about his sobriety, and it sounds like he is, all of what you’re telling me is just about the way it goes at first. His sobriety, to him, is probably one of the, if not the, most important things to him. If it wasn’t, his drinking could kill him and none of the other would matter anyway. He will probably be distant for a while as he works through all of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if he attends an AA meeting every night for a while. I’ve mentioned in another reply up there that emotions are sometimes magnified. Now he’s having to deal with all of these different emotions that he’s hidden for so long. And he HAS to deal with them as you or a non-alcoholic would deal with them. Remember, the way he dealt with them in the past is with a bottle. That’s no longer an option if he’s to remain sober.
I suggest asking any questions that you have while going to al-anon. Everything that happens in the room stays in the room. If there are any folks that you can trust with your questions, it would be those folks in that room.
Scott
I need to ask my alcoholic boyfriend to move out. Enough is enough and it’s time for me to move on with my life but I don’t know how to do it so he doesn’t get violent.
How do I ask him so he doesn’t get violent. He has not been physically abusive or verbally..just takes off for weeks at a time to drink and then tells me it’s because he needed a break or had to visit his brother or whatever excuse to get out and drink. He does not drink around me or at home but I know when he’s itching to get out because he will try to start a fight.
Hi, i hope that you can help me. My husband of 9 years is a recovering alcoholic. We’ve been together for 14 years and i got pregnant early on (unplanned) we now have 2 boys 12 and 8. He has been an alcoholic since i’ve known him, though i didn’t relise for a long time as he made me feel odd and boring as i didn’t drink much. We’ve had a very rocky relationship which i put down to his drinking but him to our uncompatability. He went to rehab last Jan and things have been awful since, he has fallen off the wagon and in much bigger ways, lost his license and is now so resentful and nasty to myself and the boy. He is miserable so today i thought if i bought non alcohoic beer, which he has bought himself, it may cheer him up but that turned out to be a mistake as all i got was the fact that all he wants is a real drink. He resents everything and seems to take everything out on us. Is this normal and will it pass?
Thanks so much for listening
Hi,
Well i don’t really know how to say this but i’ll give it a shot.
I’m 14. My earliest memories of my dad is being scared of him, or driving past the pub in town with mum, looking for dads car… we’d alway find it. Sometimes dad would come home really, really late, and he’d yell at mum for no reason. He was drunk. Then as I got older it got worse. I’d talk to him at night and in the morning he would not remember what I’d even said to him no matter how important the convosation was.
Then last month, mum let out 25 years worth of frustion and pain on to him. “I’ll leave, take the kids and you can drink yourself to the grave” she said then he vowed that he’d never touch a hint of alchol again.
My question is why do I feel like I’ve lost someone. i mean the only person i’ve ever known i gone. should I feel like this? will this pass? did you stop cold turkey?
Thanks Alot
Hi Opal,
I understand how you feel. I lived with an alcoholic for a short period of time. He dragged me down and my self esteem was slipping away day by day. The whole relationship with him was a lie..nothing he ever said made any sense or he would make promises that he didn’t ever keep. I was just a place to live. The trouble with alcoholics is that they are selfish. It’s all about them because they are stuck so far down into the pitty pot that they can’t see a way out unless they either kill someone, and some don’t stop drinking even after they have killed someone, or they hit their rock bottom. All I can say to you is..run and don’t look back. Save yourself and go after what you want out of life. You are only 14 and have the rest of your life look forward to..life really is great. You can’t help the alchoholic in your life..don’t ever believe for one second that you can. Alcoholics suck the life out of you. It’ s not to say that they are not good people..what I’m saying is that as long as they are drinking..you remain their hostage and will never move on with your life because you are constantly treated like you are less than they are.
I hope this helps. Sorry to be so harse..but it’s true.
My now common-law partner is, in my opinion, a heavy drinker. For example, this past Saturday, he drank about 3/4 a bottle of vodka and didn’t really seem that drunk. He says that he has a high tolerance for alcohol and that sometimes it affects him and other times he has to drink a lot more and doesn’t really feel it. When we were dating and only living together on weekends, he would drink a lot (half a bottle or so) and become angry and at times verbally abusive. Now that he’s a bit happier ( he found a good job and has money now) he no longer gets angry when he drinks. But.. he drinks about a third of a bottle of vodka or rum almost every night it seems. I’m not sure if he has become an alcoholic or if I can even call him that. He says that he can not drink if he chooses to, and there are days like yesterday where he didn’t have one drink. There were times in the past where he wouldn’t drink for a week or more. But lately, it seems it’s more frequent. I’m concerned about his health and not sure if I should just leave him alone to drink as much as he wants or try to intervene in some way. When I used to try to monitor his drinking, he would get angry. Now, I just leave it alone and we seem to be getting along better. Again, I’m concerned about the amount of alcohol he’s ingesting and what it will do to him long term. I’m also concerned that he may turn into an alcoholic some day. He says he’s not an addictive person, he’s an abusive person in that he chooses to overindulge in food and alcohol when he feels like it. I don’t know if he’s just fooling himself. I also don’t know if giving him space and allowing him to drink every night if he wants to is enabling him. I’m quite torn over this. I don’t know what’s right or the best course of action.
Scott,
First of all, congratulations on your recovery. I have a question and I am not going to go into too much detail but I need someone with somewhat of an “outside” opinion… I am 29 and have struggled with addiction myself, although mostly with painkillers, I am currently still in treatment but have also struggled with alcohol (mostly social drinking) and marijuana in my earlier years. Here is my dilemma. I have a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost 3 years, we are expecting our first child together (we each have 2 from previous relationships, my 2 live with us) in April 2011. His name is Chris and Chris’ mother, Laura, is a severe alcoholic. I have known this since I met him and have never met or known anyone in my personal life this deep into alcoholism. Let me give you a little bit of background. Laura is married to Chris’ stepdad, Dave. Dave is not an addict and he is very successful in his career and a smart man. They have been together for about 20 years. Laura also takes benzo’s such as Zanex and Klonopin, and smokes marijuana along with her drinking everyday. When I see or talk to her, 99% of the time she is doped up or drunk. She gets up in the early morning, makes herself a whiskey and sprite and continues to drink whiskey and sprite all day. She will even take a travel coffee mug with her filled with it whenever she goes anywhere (which isn’t often since she has high anxiety and hates to leave the house and doesnt like when people visit either). Most people know of her drinking habit, like I said, she hardly ever goes anywhere. It is like she is stuck her own world and doesnt realize what goes on around her. Now, like I said, I have been around people who drink excessively when they get off work till they go to bed, or on the weekends and what have you but never have I seen anything quite like this… Chris and I talk about his mom often and get frustrated with her often too! Now, like I said, I have struggled with addiction so I’ve been through treatment and know that it is the addiction that is running her life. I guess I just feel at this point, with Chris and I having a baby soon, what can we do?? Dave, her husband, even though he is a smart man, just enables her. Like I said, she doesn’t go anywhere for herself, which is mostly a good thing because there’s no way she belongs behind the wheel, so he brings her her alcohol as she needs it whenever she runs out from the store. Why?!?! From what I understand from Chris and what Ive seen in our 3 years together, it is as if he doesnt want to make her mad or “interrupt” anything, like he’s just feeding her addiction just so he doesnt cause any confrontation or anything like that. It’s baffling to me that no one will stand up and say enough is enough! She is practically dying, she gets sick ALL the time, has been in the hospital a few times too I think mostly from dehydration. And why wouldn’t the hospital staff and doctors do anything?? She goes to see her personal doctor on a regular basis for her painkiller and benzo refills, shes said before he has accused her of smelling like alcohol but doesnt go any further. I just feel like someone out there should be intelligent enough to intervene and atleast do what they can (or we) to get her better and on the road to recovery. I do understand that if she doesn’t want to continue after an intervention, she wont. But I believe it is out of her hands…now how to do go about, without over-stepping my boundries, trying to help this woman?? She is going to be the grandmother of our daughter! Another thing real quick, if no one will help me in this, what should I do as far as our child is concerned? Should we just continue to see and talk to her once in a while, or completely cut ties? I really didn’t intend for this to be so long! Thank you for listening!
can an alcoholic ever reach bottom if he has an addict girlfriend. my alcoholic ex dumped me for someone that drinks with him and then drives him home
alcoholic ex dumped me after ten years tog and us half way through an ivf cycle. it came out of the blue. one day he was saying i was the love of his life and i was the only woman he ever lover then he dumped me by text. he broke off allcontact with me . that was a year and a half ago. six months ago i discovered he had been drinking with and going with a woman in my village who has children behind my back for years. that explained his disappearances for weeks on end. his drinking was getting worse too. they are now drinking together and have her children with them in pubs for hours at a time. when i met him recently he could,nt look at me. i text him for answers lately too and he text back saying go away, get on with your life i am happy now. its so sad he is a monster. its like i never knew him. will he ever reach bottom when he has found himself the perfect enabler. he seems to have no conscience or guilt for treating another human being the way he has treated me. maybe he is happy now and i was just a thorn in his side. i just wanted him to be healthy and happy
I believe my son is an alcoholic and it is breaking my heart. He is 25 and is living back home after losing a job last April. He has probably had problems since middle school. I became acutely aware of his problem when he was in college. My husband and I sent him money as needed to help with living costs. It seemed gradual, but we noticed we had sent $1200 in just 6 weeks. When he came home that summer, we saw evidence of drinking to the excess and drug use, at least marijuana. He was on a downward spiral. I dragged him to a rehab hospital an hour away from us. It was a desperate effort to try to save him. He agreed to a drug test and it did show marijuana in his bloodstream, but not the cocaine I suspected at the time. He thought the fact that cocaine didn’t show up vindicated him and I felt horrible. He went back to school that next fall and his attitude improve and the addictive behaviors waned. After college in 2010, he started in on a 6 month drinking binge. He was living at home and trying to get a job. My husband and I discovered that he had been stealing from us by using our credit cards without our knowledge. He also took checks from our checkbook and wrote checks for alcohol and extra money. When confronted with the hard cold facts, he denied it. He lied even when there was no other possibility of what happened. He finally got a job in November. A week after starting he came home for Thanksgiving. That Saturday he went to visit friends where he went to college. We could not get a hold of him until late Sunday. He finally came home and it was too late to drive the 4 hours back to his home and work the next day. He had to leave at 4 in the morning to make it back in time. We knew something had happened, but what. We found out on December 12, 2010. A letter came in the mail with charges of DUI. He had not even told us about that night he spent in jail. We helped him with this financially, hoping he would change. He had to travel with his job and we were afraid when he lost his license on Jan. 15th that would be the end of the job. Somehow he was able to keep his job. In April, he says the two new guys were downsized and he lost his job. I think he lost it because he was going to have to start to travel on his own and he could no longer hide the fact that he couldn’t drive. Anyway, he came back home to live. He was offered two jobs that ultimately reneged when they learned of his DUI in background checks. The drinking is excessive, he has started stealing from us again, even though we thought we had taken every precaution. (Locking money, checks, credit cards, jewelry, purse, and wallets in our bedroom closet) We even hid alcohol in there. Yesterday I discovered some money missing. We thought some was missing before, but we second guessed ourselves and thought one of us must have taken it. This time it was blatant. No mistaking it was gone. Obviously he found our key. Again, he denies that he took the money. We have set a move out date (Dec. 28th) for him. We intend to stick to that plan. He is working a part time job, but the income will not be enough to live on, especially if he uses any on alcohol. I don’t want him to hit rock bottom, but I cannot live like this anymore. In the past I have been so enraged and hurt that he could do this to us, to me. I now realize I (we) are powerless to help him. He is sick and has a problem The lying and stealing are part of the addiction. But with that being said, do you have any suggestions as to how we can help him? He denies that he has any problem. I know the first step is to acknowledge that one has a problem. I am heartsick and my prayers seem to go nowhere.
Deb
Wow. I don’t know you guys and this hurts me. I’m sorry that you and you’re husband are having to go through this. I am glad that you do realize he is sick.
I’m going to give you some advice but you’re not going to like it and it will NOT be easy. There is really no good answer on how you can help him. But, based on what I’ve read, I’ll let you know what I think you should do.
What you and your husband are doing to him is being his enabler. So, first and foremost, you guys need to not help him anymore. Don’t help him financially. Don’t bail him out of jail. Don’t do anything that will make it easy for him to get out of a situation that he’s gotten into. Dragging him to rehab isn’t going to help. He IS going to have to hit rock bottom.
His sickness is something that he is going to have to accept and getting better is something he is going to have to want to do on his own.
Lying is a huge trait that alcoholics carry, as you’ve seen. To make sure we have something to drink, we’d lie about anything to anyone and won’t bat an eye doing it.
It’s good that you’ve set the move out date. But I might put some stipulations on that. Make sure he understands the stipulations and what will happen if he breaks any of the rules, and when he does you have to stick to your decision. Make sure he knows that you love him, don’t condemn him, but that YOU and your husband can’t keep living like this and that he’s driving both of you crazy. Let him know how hurt you guys are and it’s because you love him that you have to do these things. If he steals again between now and then you may want to go ahead and up the move out date to right then. And as horrible as this sounds you might even want to call the police dept. and have him arrested for stealing. Let him hit rock bottom.
You can help him get back and forth to work if he gets a job. As long as he is living by the rules of your house, you can help him, but don’t help him financially because he will most likely use that $10.00 that he needs for lunch to buy his next drink or his next high. What if he gets high or drunk off the money that you gave him and heaven forbid he kills someone in an accident because he was drunk or high? Think you’d feel worse.
Also, pick up two copies of The Big Book from AA. (if you want to start reading now, go here) One for you and your husband to read. It’ll give you a lot of information about how alcoholics think, feel, and why they do the things they do. Leave the other one laying around somewhere that your son can see it. Don’t force it on him. Don’t show it to him. Don’t say anything about the book. Let him run across it. There’s a chance that he will pick it up and maybe, just maybe he’ll steal that from you
Basically, the best way you and your husband can help him is to not help him. I hope that makes sense.
Finally, check out AlAnon for you and your husband. No, that’s not an AA meeting. AlAnon is for family or anyone that has been effected by alcohol. See if there are any meeting places around your area. Lots of worried and hurt moms attend those.
If you want my email address, it’s on the About page of this site. Feel free to contact me anytime or if your son wants to talk to me, let me know.
I hope this has made some sense. Hope it didn’t hurt too bad. Again, feel free to email me anytime with any questions (even as they pertain to this reply)
@Jennifer – Yep, they sure can.
Hey Scott,
I dated someone for a few months who had serious issues from childhood. I was able to deal with it, but then I started seeing some signs that he had drinking issues as well. I told him that I was worried about his drinking (on the phone), and he got very upset and refused to talk to me. I realized that I would never be able to help him, so I contacted a couple of his friends to let them know I was worried about him – without spelling out why. I let him know I’d done that and he lashed out at me in a way that was totally unlike him – he called me psychotic, disturbed, holier-than-thou, and all sorts of hurtful things. He then threatened me with a restraining order (which he never followed up with, because I obviously wasn’t stalking him).
It’s been two and a half weeks. I’m worried about him, but I can’t contact him, because I don’t want him to think I’m a stalker. But it’s the holidays, and he has a tendency to drink really heavily and alone, because he doesn’t have family in the area. I almost ran into him a few days ago, but avoided him.
I’m wondering a few things:
1) Will he ever speak to me again? Before the argument, he’d told me he felt really close to me.
2) Is there anything at all that I can do? I’m worried that he’ll black out or something.
I admit I really miss him and think about him daily.
Thanks in advance for your time.
Hi scott help please,
We have been married for 3 years, no children of our own just 2 children from my previous relationship age 8 and 4 that husband treats as his own.
When we first got together everything was good, although he used to drink alot on a daily basis he would drink a bottle of scotch as well as cans of beer. and smoke 20 cigarettes a day Gradually as our relationship developed he cut back on his drinking.
All was well up until the last 2 years or so, H has given up his job and has had a complete career change, he has now gone self employed, and trying to run his own buisness, i understand it has probably been quite stressful but he is working almost full time most of the time its an hour away so he ends up staying away from home at his mums due to diesel costs), he is earning some kind of income though, my only concern now is he is slowly slipping back to his old ways of drinking (although not as much, he doesnt have scotch) but does drink between 8-10 cans of beer a day as well as smoking 40 cigarettes a day.
About 3 weeks ago H finally went and saw our GP about a cough that has lingered for the last 4 months, he was perscribed a course of antibiotics (which still hasnt got rid of it completly) On the day of my H appointment my GP did a random questionaire about lifestyle, it was then the the GP recommended him cutting down on both his drinking and smoking because of health risks and the damage it does to the liver.
The evening after that GP visit H agreed, it was time to cut back as he is not getting any younger, he went out and bought an electronic cigarette and agreed to follow the GPs guide lines of cutting back on drink, starting with 6 cans and night for a week, then 5 for a week and so on.
Well that was 3 weeks ago, the electric cigarette is back in its box, hidden in his draw and there has been no sign of cutting back on his drinking.
The final straw was yesterday, when i came home from work and he was on his 4th can of drink, ment to be in charge of my 2 children.
I have told him to go back to his mums until he sorts himself out threw his clothes out with him, iv’e given him 2 weeks to show signs of improvement, if he wants us to work.
On top of the drinking some other problems we have are lack of intamacy, lack of cummunication (he gets so defensive and says it’s me having a go at him all the time) we make love once a month (that’s usually me that intiates it) we seem to be rowing more and more and the love is slowly slipping away. i really love him but cant be with him
Please can you help
What can you say to someone who, in spite of clear symptoms of mid-to-late stage alcoholism, denies ALL alcohol use, claims they are completely clean and sober? Severe hand tremors, muscle weakness, vertigo, profuse sweating at the smallest provocation (i.e. when no one else is sweating). Plus behavioral changes. It is confounding to me that if I say to this person (a loved one), “You are very sick; it is very obvious to me and probably others that you are still drinking.” With this person, the level of denial is so severe, I could count on one hand in 20 years the number of times they have, when confronted with candor, and loving detachment, owned up to it. Usually it is denial and rage, and an uncannily persuasive response that seals all the cracks in the logic; that it is a medication that makes them dizzy or shaky, etc. In fact, they are so persuasive in their reply of denial that it actually causes me to second-guess myself, even though I know what I am seeing. I feel like to be with this person and NOT say something, will I regret not confronting them once more, if they die this way? Or is it a futile effort considering how deep the psychological need for denial is with this individual? It is very upsetting to watch, and yet I am unsure what behavior is appropriate for me in this person’s presence. Is saying nothing, enabling? Is it also a form of joining in their denial?
What can you say? It sounds like you’ve already said it. Until they admit to themselves that they are sick there isn’t much you can do. You could not talk to them or hang out with them anymore because you don’t want to be around someone like that. It’s possible that this might make them think a little more about their situation. More than likely there are other friends or whatever that they can turn to, it just depends on what your relationship is.
Saying nothing isn’t enabling I don’t think. Enabling would be coming to pick them up when they’re too drunk to drive or letting them “borrow” money. Things like that are what enablers do. Think about a parent who loves their child so much that they let them do whatever they want to do and continue drinking even though the parent doesn’t like it. You’re not denying that they are an alcoholic so not I don’t think you would be joining in their denial.
One thing you could do is to pickup a copy of The Big Book (http://www.amazon.com/Alcoholics-Anonymous-The-Book-Edition/dp/1893007170) and leave it somewhere inconspicuous so that when they “run across” it they might pick it up and start reading it. Don’t mention anything about the book, don’t hint about it, just leave it somewhere and move on. The next time you’re over at their place, see if it’s been moved, maybe they will have started reading it. Hope that makes sense.
And FYI, I’ve had no “training” in counseling others. These ideas are just mine and you might get different and better info from someone with counseling training. Check with a local rehab facility or see if there is a http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CF4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.al-anon.alateen.org%2F&ei=bsyFT56pB8ni0QHN6bndBw&usg=AFQjCNHIfCI2Kj2pEvV5GxYn1qb60QdWcg) ” rel=”nofollow”>Al-Anon meeting nearby and meet with those folks. Al-anon is for family members of alcoholics so you’ll meet with a lot of folks in your situation.
Thanks,
Scott
Sounds like you’ve already got a good start on what you need to do. You’ve given him an ultimatum, drink and stay away from me and my kids or quit drinking and come home. You’re not an enabler giving him all kinds of opportunities to drink.
You might want to check with a local licensed alcohol and drug counselor with these same questions. They would have proper training in dealing with issues like these. Or visit a local Al-Anon and talk to some families that have been through exactly what you are. Another option is leaving a copy of The Big Book somewhere at his moms and hope that he picks it up and starts reading it. Don’t say anything about the book, don’t hint where it’s at. Just let him run across it and maybe he’ll read it. If you tell him you got it he’s more than likely not going to read it. He has to admit to himself that he has a problem before anything will happen.
As far as the “On top of the drinking”, those are just things that alcoholics do. We are a selfish lot and we come first. If he can get sober and stay that way I think the other stuff will start to fall in place. I think.
Scott
I’m with a very nice guy now, its been a year since we’ve been together. When we met I knew he was a drinker, but he would always show for work and do his duties (we worked together), so I really thought he had it under control. We hit it off fairly fast, I was just coming out of an abusive relationship and he was so comforting. So I decided to allow him to move in with me. I think it really became a problem starting 3 to 4 months ago, I started getting calls from his co workers (I no longer worked at the same job as him anymore) that they could sense something was wrong. Him reeking of alcohol and falling asleep at work. Eventually it resulted in him losing his job. Now he just wants to sit around and drink and claims that he’s going to stop. Every drink is last, that what he says. I’m a very loyal person my father had issues and I’ve always been that stick around and help type. Now I’m just fed up. It seems like he’s having a affair with the bottle. We don’t do things no more. He’s constantly making up excuses to drink. he has a habit, I’ve even thought about calling someone to come and pick him up take him to a hospital. He’s not violent of any. No verbal abuse no physical, but it’s wearing me down emotionally. I’m feeling all depressed and I’m young 27 he’s a much older guy too. Again I tell him I’m going to leave him and I believe he’s taking my words as a joke. I mean what I say, but when I think about it, I can’t leave him. He has no one and I’m afraid if I do leave he might do something worst to harm himself (like drink himself to death!) I really don’t know what to do. He’s the sweetest guy. Everyday I watch him and I pray that he’ll just get the sense to stop. Thing is he knows he has a problem and he wants to get help, but he claim he can’t afford all the clinics and hospital bills so he determined to get sober at home. I really don’t care where he goes to do it, just as long as he does. I just feel he needs someone or something more powerful to help assist him. My words of motivational speeches seems not to work. he listens and tells me he understands but I don’t know. He’s gotten clean once since we’ve been together, but unfortuntantly his job was literally connected to the liquor store. So his soberness didn’t last long. I’m just done and lost in this situation.
It sounds like you’ve pretty much made up your mind. You’re “just done”. The good thing is, you’re not married to him and you don’t have to be tied to him, that’s your choice. You did say you couldn’t leave him because he has no one. I’m sure he has some friends. They may be drinking friends but he does and can find someone so don’t think like that. You’re too young to have to feel tied down.
If he cares about you then maybe the thing to do is leave. It just depends on how serious you are about it. If he cares about you then maybe you leaving will be the thing that causes him to re-think what he’s doing. You can’t make him quit drinking.
Alcoholics are very selfish when it comes to the drink. My next drink was always my last, until the next one. He won’t be able to stop until he wants to and can admit to himself that he has an issue. Taking him to the hospital or to rehab won’t do anything unless he wants it. He doesn’t need to try to sober up on his own. I would suggest at least 3 days in a rehab facility so that they can care for him while he sobers up. Quitting alcohol on your own is very dangerous. Part of the withdrawal process is that the blood pressure soars which is dangerous.
How is he getting the money to drink all day? I hope you aren’t giving him money. That’s something you need to cut out right away. Don’t do things that makes you his enabler. Meaning don’t do anything that makes it easy or possible for him to drink. Don’t pick him up if he’s been out drinking. Don’t give him money. Those sort of things.
I guess what I’m saying is, it’s up to you. If he doesn’t want to stop then you can either leave or stay there. You can read some other of my suggestions in previous comments here, especially about The Big Book and Al-anon.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
will he ever stop. empy promises. Why cant I walk away from an alcoholic???At the age of 55 is there any hope?
Kim, I am married to a non-active alcoholic. The only peace I gained was in accepting my own powerlessness to control him and returning my faith from him back to my Lord. What kept me there was my faith and submission to God, and knowing HIS power to change someone IF they became willing. I came to the point of decision to ACCEPT him as he was and learn how to live with him without allowing his actions to consume MY life by trying to fix or control, or leave him. In my case the ONLY reason I stayed was because in my faith relationship with God I sensed Him telling me to stay and to TRUST HIM to guide me with His wisdom and strength..apart from that I would have walked away long ago..Is there hope of change at age 55? Sure, where God is concerned, age has nothing to do with change, only the will…he may or may not ever become willing. Realizing that will bring you to that same crossroad..
My story, he became sober at about 39 and remained so until 50 and then sme medical issues, job issues slam-duncked him into depression and back active…it took him several years of binging to get it back under control..and I know from experience that there are no guarantees, even now…just like the alcoholic, I live one day at a time holding fast to my faith and relationship with Jesus knowing He is preparing me for what He alone knows tomorrow will bring..not blind hope. Faith that God loves me and will take care of me through it all.
Kim, the short of it is that when our faith is in an active alcoholic, we will not move forward…alcoholics don’t progress through life while active, everthing they do and say is to self preserve their addiction…and when we put our faith in them, neither do we..we put faith in their words when their words are just the manipulations of the addiction talking..just like a child promising the moon to get his or her way and then ‘relapsing’..he does not want anything in his life to change because he knows he is on a tight rope so he will promise anything to keep ‘balance’ on that tightrope..lie, steal, cheat, endanger, those he loves.
Why can’t you leave? We stay because of what I heard termed, the ‘god syndrom’. We believe their life, health and future are in our hands…it’s also called codependence (two people chained together and controlled by addiction)..not interdependence(two people actually working together to have a life).only YOU can decide to unlock the chain…and only you can decide HOW…a wonderful little book that has amazing simple wisdom and truth…even the title is powerful…’Courage To Change’…
Its such a tough decision as I know he loves me so much and when he doesnt drink he is the best person I could ever ask for.
And he doesnt go out drinking he just stays at home and drinks a bottle of rum and goes to sleep. but then the day after he is mad at himself for drinking and his character defects go crazy. …he thinks i cheat and do all kinds of crazy stuff…..he might go 20 days without drinking…go to meetings and find god…..and promise me the world…..he doesnt drive because of DUI”s and he always says he is working on that (but thats not gonna happen )is it ????ugh i wish sometimes i had the power and the courage to walk away but something keeps me there……….its gone on 4 years ……I need help….I wish someone can tell me what to do……I also got a restraining order on him last year because he said he was going to kill my grandchildren…….now i know he just said that because he was drunk and he would never ever hurt the children…….im so confused…i have been to therapy….they say it is a toxic relationship…….but i love him……..life is crazy……i have a great job 25years 7 grandbabies…….he doesnt drive ..no bank account…lives in a subsided apartment for veterans…..collects unemployment from losing a job from drinking…….Thanks for listening
Thanks for replying to Kim. A much better answer than I could have given especially since you’ve been there. Much appreciated.
Hello, This is kinda a long story, but I am so lost right now I don’t know what to do or how to feel. Ive been dating my boyfriend on and off for 3 years now…when i met him I didnt realize he had such a bad problem. We dated for a while before his addiction progress..he had been addicted to alcohol, any kind of pills he could find..but when we started dating his addiction wasn’t as noticable. he went away for work for a few months, and didn’t use at all. shortly after he came home from work, he relapsed and became addicted to heroin and cheated and broke up with me, he almost died because of how much his addiction progressed so I helped him get sober. After that he started to resent me for it. he didnt treat me as well. he stayed sober for a while, and then went back to work and relapsed again. I broke up with him for cheating again. He got clean, and I took him back eventually because I love him more than anything. The love I felt for him when we started dating was so strong and it still is. He ended up relapsing again, and came near to death again and was hospitalized. I helped him find a rehab to go to, he was nice and loving for a while..but then began to resent me again. he went to work again, and broke up with me and relapsed. After 3 months or so of being broke up, he called me and begged for me back, I forced myself to say no, even tho I loved him so much. 3 months after that he came home from work and tried again, and I once again forced myself to say no even tho my heart was telling me that I love him, his addiction then progressed and he almost died again, except this time his addiction was much worse. He was spending hundreds to a thousand dollars on drugs a week. He called me and I gave in and went to talk to him. I couldnt help my feelings for him, its like i was meant to go back to him even tho I kept telling myself I would get hurt again. I then again helped him find a really great rehab. Once he completed this rehab, I let him stay with me and find a place in the town I live in which is far away from his home town where all his old friends are that he used with. I helped him find support and others who knew how he felt and could help him through this. He is now still sober, its been about 5 months. When he first got out, he showed me how much he really loved me, and it really made me happy, I truley did beleive that it was meant to be from the first time i met him, and I still feel that way. But now things are changing and its breaking my heart. He reads many books, especially the one called the big book, and he keeps telling me that its statistics and also talked about in his books and prgrams that a “normal” person like me and an addict like him will never work. and he broke up with me, saying he thinks his higher power told him to. He then told me two days later that he wanted to work on things with me..now..two weeks later he broke up with me again, saying he has to do this because he thinks his higher power wants him to. also says he has resentments towards me. I feel like hes making a mistake, Everytime he has broke up with me he has relapsed. I feel like he doesnt know how to deal with emotions because hes always been using drugs, and i feel like he’s confused and thinks I am the reason He isnt happy. I know he loves me, but he said that according to his books, that he was sick when he met me, there for, he didnt know what he was doing then and his feelings probably werent real for me. He says hes not sure if this is the right choice or not, and doesnt want to end up regretting it, but he says he needs to have a spiritual experience…and cant unless he does this. I know he has resentment for me because i use to nag at him for hanging out with his old friends that used with him, because every time he hungout with them he relapsed..and I was only doing it to help him. I use to be very insecure and question him, but after this time he went to rehab I stopped doing that because I knew I had to let go of the past to make things better, but he still resented me. I feel like a lot of it may be jealousy and some resenments. He told me he doesn’t know why he resents me, and if he knew he would have fixed them so he could treat me better. I don’t know at all what to do, I am so heartbroken over this. I have been by his side through everything, and knmow out of no where he broke up with me, I think he is confused and I think he will realize hes making the wrong choice and im not sure hes strong enough yet to stay sober once he realizes. I told him that the door to our relationship is still open, but it won’t be open forever because I can’t live like this. He is my best freind, and I love him more than I can say. I feel extremely confused and lost without him, Im scared he will never come back. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I believe that god asked me to give him another chance this time when I helped him find this last rehab, because I had my mind set that I would never put myself through it again, and something inside of me made me give him a chance. Thats why I am so confused, I don’t know why his higher power would tell him to cut me out of his life after I have done so much and been there to support and love him through everything. Is it possible he is confused? and has resentments of jealousy? I have never done anything to hurt him, thats why I don’t know why he resents me. Please help me, I dont know what to do
My son is 24 years old. He was sober for a year and has started to drink again. :Last week , he was asking for money and had mentioned someone needed the money. I told him I would help him, but I would personally give the money to this person and not him. He then said it was for people that were out to get him. He owed them money. I didn’t give it to him, but had this sick feeling, what if he is telling the truth. I still didn’t lend him the money, but someone eventually gave it to him. I have not heard from him for 3 days. I so desperately want to call him, but I know I should not. I have attended 3 Al-Non meetings and feel I need for him to work things out. In the back of my mind, I am very worried about him. What is going on here?
Scott,
Hi, I am so glad you have recovered from the addictions. God loves you. Anyways my boyfriend and I recently broke up because he is an alcoholic, which he doesn’t admit to. I caught him cheating and we got into a heated argument and he beat me up. I had to take him to court to have him removed. He took everything except for a few things and of course the house. He has been gone for two weeks. I still love this man dearly. I want him to come home but he won’t answer my phone calls because he is mad because I wouldn’t give him any money from the house, which I put 82,000 dollars down on from the sell of my first house. I think he does love me but I don’t know for sure. Should I try to contact him again or just leave it alone. I believe God brought us together for a reason.