Comments on: Ask An Alcoholic

By: sandra

sandra — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:32:27 +0000

Scott,
Hi, I am so glad you have recovered from the addictions. God loves you. Anyways my boyfriend and I recently broke up because he is an alcoholic, which he doesn’t admit to. I caught him cheating and we got into a heated argument and he beat me up. I had to take him to court to have him removed. He took everything except for a few things and of course the house. He has been gone for two weeks. I still love this man dearly. I want him to come home but he won’t answer my phone calls because he is mad because I wouldn’t give him any money from the house, which I put 82,000 dollars down on from the sell of my first house. I think he does love me but I don’t know for sure. Should I try to contact him again or just leave it alone. I believe God brought us together for a reason.

By: Cin

Cin — Tue, 08 May 2012 02:43:37 +0000

My son is 24 years old. He was sober for a year and has started to drink again. :Last week , he was asking for money and had mentioned someone needed the money. I told him I would help him, but I would personally give the money to this person and not him. He then said it was for people that were out to get him. He owed them money. I didn’t give it to him, but had this sick feeling, what if he is telling the truth. I still didn’t lend him the money, but someone eventually gave it to him. I have not heard from him for 3 days. I so desperately want to call him, but I know I should not. I have attended 3 Al-Non meetings and feel I need for him to work things out. In the back of my mind, I am very worried about him. What is going on here?

By: Krista

Krista — Sat, 05 May 2012 01:59:36 +0000

Hello, This is kinda a long story, but I am so lost right now I don’t know what to do or how to feel. Ive been dating my boyfriend on and off for 3 years now…when i met him I didnt realize he had such a bad problem. We dated for a while before his addiction progress..he had been addicted to alcohol, any kind of pills he could find..but when we started dating his addiction wasn’t as noticable. he went away for work for a few months, and didn’t use at all. shortly after he came home from work, he relapsed and became addicted to heroin and cheated and broke up with me, he almost died because of how much his addiction progressed so I helped him get sober. After that he started to resent me for it. he didnt treat me as well. he stayed sober for a while, and then went back to work and relapsed again. I broke up with him for cheating again. He got clean, and I took him back eventually because I love him more than anything. The love I felt for him when we started dating was so strong and it still is. He ended up relapsing again, and came near to death again and was hospitalized. I helped him find a rehab to go to, he was nice and loving for a while..but then began to resent me again. he went to work again, and broke up with me and relapsed. After 3 months or so of being broke up, he called me and begged for me back, I forced myself to say no, even tho I loved him so much. 3 months after that he came home from work and tried again, and I once again forced myself to say no even tho my heart was telling me that I love him, his addiction then progressed and he almost died again, except this time his addiction was much worse. He was spending hundreds to a thousand dollars on drugs a week. He called me and I gave in and went to talk to him. I couldnt help my feelings for him, its like i was meant to go back to him even tho I kept telling myself I would get hurt again. I then again helped him find a really great rehab. Once he completed this rehab, I let him stay with me and find a place in the town I live in which is far away from his home town where all his old friends are that he used with. I helped him find support and others who knew how he felt and could help him through this. He is now still sober, its been about 5 months. When he first got out, he showed me how much he really loved me, and it really made me happy, I truley did beleive that it was meant to be from the first time i met him, and I still feel that way. But now things are changing and its breaking my heart. He reads many books, especially the one called the big book, and he keeps telling me that its statistics and also talked about in his books and prgrams that a “normal” person like me and an addict like him will never work. and he broke up with me, saying he thinks his higher power told him to. He then told me two days later that he wanted to work on things with me..now..two weeks later he broke up with me again, saying he has to do this because he thinks his higher power wants him to. also says he has resentments towards me. I feel like hes making a mistake, Everytime he has broke up with me he has relapsed. I feel like he doesnt know how to deal with emotions because hes always been using drugs, and i feel like he’s confused and thinks I am the reason He isnt happy. I know he loves me, but he said that according to his books, that he was sick when he met me, there for, he didnt know what he was doing then and his feelings probably werent real for me. He says hes not sure if this is the right choice or not, and doesnt want to end up regretting it, but he says he needs to have a spiritual experience…and cant unless he does this. I know he has resentment for me because i use to nag at him for hanging out with his old friends that used with him, because every time he hungout with them he relapsed..and I was only doing it to help him. I use to be very insecure and question him, but after this time he went to rehab I stopped doing that because I knew I had to let go of the past to make things better, but he still resented me. I feel like a lot of it may be jealousy and some resenments. He told me he doesn’t know why he resents me, and if he knew he would have fixed them so he could treat me better. I don’t know at all what to do, I am so heartbroken over this. I have been by his side through everything, and knmow out of no where he broke up with me, I think he is confused and I think he will realize hes making the wrong choice and im not sure hes strong enough yet to stay sober once he realizes. I told him that the door to our relationship is still open, but it won’t be open forever because I can’t live like this. He is my best freind, and I love him more than I can say. I feel extremely confused and lost without him, Im scared he will never come back. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I believe that god asked me to give him another chance this time when I helped him find this last rehab, because I had my mind set that I would never put myself through it again, and something inside of me made me give him a chance. Thats why I am so confused, I don’t know why his higher power would tell him to cut me out of his life after I have done so much and been there to support and love him through everything. Is it possible he is confused? and has resentments of jealousy? I have never done anything to hurt him, thats why I don’t know why he resents me. Please help me, I dont know what to do

By: Scott

Scott — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:45:45 +0000

Thanks for replying to Kim. A much better answer than I could have given especially since you’ve been there. Much appreciated.

By: kim

kim — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 13:28:43 +0000

Its such a tough decision as I know he loves me so much and when he doesnt drink he is the best person I could ever ask for.
And he doesnt go out drinking he just stays at home and drinks a bottle of rum and goes to sleep. but then the day after he is mad at himself for drinking and his character defects go crazy. …he thinks i cheat and do all kinds of crazy stuff…..he might go 20 days without drinking…go to meetings and find god…..and promise me the world…..he doesnt drive because of DUI”s and he always says he is working on that (but thats not gonna happen )is it ????ugh i wish sometimes i had the power and the courage to walk away but something keeps me there……….its gone on 4 years ……I need help….I wish someone can tell me what to do……I also got a restraining order on him last year because he said he was going to kill my grandchildren…….now i know he just said that because he was drunk and he would never ever hurt the children…….im so confused…i have been to therapy….they say it is a toxic relationship…….but i love him……..life is crazy……i have a great job 25years 7 grandbabies…….he doesnt drive ..no bank account…lives in a subsided apartment for veterans…..collects unemployment from losing a job from drinking…….Thanks for listening

By: Francis

Francis — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 11:52:18 +0000

Kim, the short of it is that when our faith is in an active alcoholic, we will not move forward…alcoholics don’t progress through life while active, everthing they do and say is to self preserve their addiction…and when we put our faith in them, neither do we..we put faith in their words when their words are just the manipulations of the addiction talking..just like a child promising the moon to get his or her way and then ‘relapsing’..he does not want anything in his life to change because he knows he is on a tight rope so he will promise anything to keep ‘balance’ on that tightrope..lie, steal, cheat, endanger, those he loves.

Why can’t you leave? We stay because of what I heard termed, the ‘god syndrom’. We believe their life, health and future are in our hands…it’s also called codependence (two people chained together and controlled by addiction)..not interdependence(two people actually working together to have a life).only YOU can decide to unlock the chain…and only you can decide HOW…a wonderful little book that has amazing simple wisdom and truth…even the title is powerful…’Courage To Change’…

By: Francis

Francis — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 11:36:50 +0000

Kim, I am married to a non-active alcoholic. The only peace I gained was in accepting my own powerlessness to control him and returning my faith from him back to my Lord. What kept me there was my faith and submission to God, and knowing HIS power to change someone IF they became willing. I came to the point of decision to ACCEPT him as he was and learn how to live with him without allowing his actions to consume MY life by trying to fix or control, or leave him. In my case the ONLY reason I stayed was because in my faith relationship with God I sensed Him telling me to stay and to TRUST HIM to guide me with His wisdom and strength..apart from that I would have walked away long ago..Is there hope of change at age 55? Sure, where God is concerned, age has nothing to do with change, only the will…he may or may not ever become willing. Realizing that will bring you to that same crossroad..

My story, he became sober at about 39 and remained so until 50 and then sme medical issues, job issues slam-duncked him into depression and back active…it took him several years of binging to get it back under control..and I know from experience that there are no guarantees, even now…just like the alcoholic, I live one day at a time holding fast to my faith and relationship with Jesus knowing He is preparing me for what He alone knows tomorrow will bring..not blind hope. Faith that God loves me and will take care of me through it all.

By: kim

kim — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 16:23:52 +0000

will he ever stop. empy promises. Why cant I walk away from an alcoholic???At the age of 55 is there any hope?

By: Scott

Scott — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:20:15 +0000

It sounds like you’ve pretty much made up your mind. You’re “just done”. The good thing is, you’re not married to him and you don’t have to be tied to him, that’s your choice. You did say you couldn’t leave him because he has no one. I’m sure he has some friends. They may be drinking friends but he does and can find someone so don’t think like that. You’re too young to have to feel tied down.

If he cares about you then maybe the thing to do is leave. It just depends on how serious you are about it. If he cares about you then maybe you leaving will be the thing that causes him to re-think what he’s doing. You can’t make him quit drinking.

Alcoholics are very selfish when it comes to the drink. My next drink was always my last, until the next one. He won’t be able to stop until he wants to and can admit to himself that he has an issue. Taking him to the hospital or to rehab won’t do anything unless he wants it. He doesn’t need to try to sober up on his own. I would suggest at least 3 days in a rehab facility so that they can care for him while he sobers up. Quitting alcohol on your own is very dangerous. Part of the withdrawal process is that the blood pressure soars which is dangerous.

How is he getting the money to drink all day? I hope you aren’t giving him money. That’s something you need to cut out right away. Don’t do things that makes you his enabler. Meaning don’t do anything that makes it easy or possible for him to drink. Don’t pick him up if he’s been out drinking. Don’t give him money. Those sort of things.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s up to you. If he doesn’t want to stop then you can either leave or stay there. You can read some other of my suggestions in previous comments here, especially about The Big Book and Al-anon.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

By: Reene

Reene — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 11:48:36 +0000

I’m with a very nice guy now, its been a year since we’ve been together. When we met I knew he was a drinker, but he would always show for work and do his duties (we worked together), so I really thought he had it under control. We hit it off fairly fast, I was just coming out of an abusive relationship and he was so comforting. So I decided to allow him to move in with me. I think it really became a problem starting 3 to 4 months ago, I started getting calls from his co workers (I no longer worked at the same job as him anymore) that they could sense something was wrong. Him reeking of alcohol and falling asleep at work. Eventually it resulted in him losing his job. Now he just wants to sit around and drink and claims that he’s going to stop. Every drink is last, that what he says. I’m a very loyal person my father had issues and I’ve always been that stick around and help type. Now I’m just fed up. It seems like he’s having a affair with the bottle. We don’t do things no more. He’s constantly making up excuses to drink. he has a habit, I’ve even thought about calling someone to come and pick him up take him to a hospital. He’s not violent of any. No verbal abuse no physical, but it’s wearing me down emotionally. I’m feeling all depressed and I’m young 27 he’s a much older guy too. Again I tell him I’m going to leave him and I believe he’s taking my words as a joke. I mean what I say, but when I think about it, I can’t leave him. He has no one and I’m afraid if I do leave he might do something worst to harm himself (like drink himself to death!) I really don’t know what to do. He’s the sweetest guy. Everyday I watch him and I pray that he’ll just get the sense to stop. Thing is he knows he has a problem and he wants to get help, but he claim he can’t afford all the clinics and hospital bills so he determined to get sober at home. I really don’t care where he goes to do it, just as long as he does. I just feel he needs someone or something more powerful to help assist him. My words of motivational speeches seems not to work. he listens and tells me he understands but I don’t know. He’s gotten clean once since we’ve been together, but unfortuntantly his job was literally connected to the liquor store. So his soberness didn’t last long. I’m just done and lost in this situation.