For details on what Rehab Reflections is about, please refer to the previous posts of the series, Rehab Reflections: The Return of Spirituality and Rehab Reflections: God Answers Prayers!

photo by francisteresa

March 6, 2008

I am pretty sure at this point in my Spiritual life I have personally completed Step 2 of the 12 steps.  The last of my “friends” “FriendA” and “FriendB” left today.  Pretty much a sad day.  Had a little cravings tonight, but I talked to “NewFriendC” and they went away.  “NewFriendD” “broke-into” the combination lock on the metal cabinet in the group room.

Well, another short post.  Not to worry, next weeks is going to be much longer.  This one though has a lot behind it.

If your wondering what step 2 is, Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Last week I made the comment that I had thought I had most likely completed the first 3 steps.  This entry only confirms, in my mind, the first 2.

I first had to realize that I was insane.  Meaning, I kept doing the same thing over and over and in my mind thinking I was ok and could stop this at anytime all by myself.  My Power was indeed God.  The same God that I had wrestled with and denied and fought against for years prior.

The 2 friends leaving was a big hit to me.  FriendB was probably the closest friend I had and we grew very close.  FriendA had also become a very good friend.  These two were the last of the “original” group that was there when I started.  We were an awesome group.  There was so much respect between each member of the group.  As one person left, a lot of the group went with him.

Many many tears were shed on that day between the 3 of us.  I had a hard time concentrating in our group sessions for fear I would miss saying bye one last time.  And of course, there was always one last time and I did miss it.

Then, there was me.

Well, and a bunch of new folks.  The 2 new Friends mentioned came from further out of the hills than I did.  We talked, but I was never able to establish that closeness that I had with the others before.

The group sessions from this point forward were full of disrespect and a lot of speaking out of turn.  It was very disheartening.  I felt like the “leader” at this point I remember.  I voiced my opinion about the extra noise and the “rules” from before that were no longer being followed.

There was so much talk about past usage and fun and drugs and alcohol and some couldn’t wait to get out so they could do it again.  It was sad.  This also made me quite angry.

I’m really really glad I came in when I did.  I am more glad I didn’t have to hang around this new bunch very much.

Oh, the “vandalism” that was spoke of?  No, nothing was stolen.  He just told us all that he could break the combination and get in.  We didn’t believe him.  He did it.

The old group was gone.  The new group was in.  The old me was gone, the new me was in.

Because of HIM

SC

For details on what Rehab Reflections is about, please refer to the first post of the series, Rehab Reflections: The Return of Spirituality.

photo by kacey

Below is the second entry from the journal that I kept while I was in rehab.  Turns out, I didn’t write in it as faithfully as I initially thought.  This entry falls almost a week after the first entry, and it appears that so much has happened already.  So much more behind the scenes.  I’ll try to share what I can remember happening between entries, but I don’t expect much.  Maybe it will be noticeable without my having to remember.

Anyway, here it is.  From March 4, 2008.  Entry number 2.

Prayed again Wednesday night for “my friend”, hoping that he finds his higher power so that he will be able to do the 12 steps.  On Thursday our counselor had a great group meeting explaining spirituality and religion the way he saw it.  “My friend” said that helped him more than anything.  God answers prayers!

“My friend” is a fellow that I met at Cumberland Heights.  He was actually the first person that I spoke with, I mean, sat and spoke with, the first night I was there.  We met in the commons area and drank soda’s.  He was in pretty rough shape when I met him.

He is about my age.  Has children and a wife that’s on the verge of leaving him because of his issue.  To look at him, you could tell he was in need of help, and was in need of a friend.

I sat at the table with him, just he and I, and we spoke with the normal “Hey…” greetings.  Then the conversation started.  But to look at him, he almost didn’t have to say anything.

I noticed that he was shaking really bad.  He said that when he first got there, he couldn’t even hold his soft drinks or fork or anything.  He would spill the water or soda all over him, or shake all of the food off of his fork.  Someone had to help him eat and drink for the first couple of days.

I don’t remember how long he was there before I got there.  He was, at this time, able to hold his own.  But he still had the shakes like I’ve never seen, nor have I seen since.

Over time, We spoke about his mothers death and how much of a grudge he had with God.  How life was treating him.  He was having a hard time believing in God.

In my entry you see mention of the 12 steps.  It was actually only the first 2 steps that we completed, if we wanted, while we were there.  He was really wanting to complete the steps, but it was number 2 that he just couldn’t do.  The two steps are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

By this time, I’m fairly certain I had completed the two steps.  Most likely the third as well, if only in my head (3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.) If I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have been praying for someone else.

Then the group meeting I referred to happened.  Then the comment from “my friend” about how much that meeting helped him understand God.

Thanks be to God, his last night there he was able to complete his steps.  There was so much emotion in that room when he did.  Others making comments about how he was actually able to hold the paper “steady” while he read.  Tears of joy streaming down faces of strangers.  Happiness sprawled across his face like a rainbow after a terrible storm.

God Answers Prayers!

“Scott, was it really your prayers that helped him?  Or was it just pomp circumstance?”

You tell me.

Because of HIM

SC

Well, turns out I guess it wasn’t the flu after all. I mean, I was able to return to work yesterday if for only half a day. But I tell ya. If that wasn’t the flu, it was a close cousin. That first day though, it was just like the flu. But, I digress.

Anyway, somehow during my down time I was able to read most of my daily feeds and comment on a few as well. Again, a good sign it wasn’t the flu because a.) I was able to lift my head enough to actually sit at a computer and b.) I was able to use my brain.

photo by anicephoto

Past Mistakes

Steps four through nine of The 12 I’ve been thinking about, a lot. It was only fitting, I guess, that in my daily reading something would come up about this.  Seems to work that way more often than not.  I choose to chalk that up to God.  So anyway, I read How To Stop Punishing Yourself For The Past over at the Change blog over the past couple of days and it seemed to put the period, or exclamation point, at the end of my thoughts. Making action more of a necessity.

Parts of my past mistakes or wrong doings, keep coming up in brief haunting’s almost daily. Feelings of resentment, embarrassment, anger, stupidity, and others I can’t find the words for, rise up with these past doings.  Fear of an image of my old self that could have been burned in someones mind, that I need to fix, for me.

How Does It Work For Us

These steps are something that I must do for myself and I challenge you to do the same.  These 5 steps are meant for us, not for the one we will be making amends to.  What better way to send a ghost to it’s grave than to destroy the source?  It’s part of forgiving ourselves of our past. These steps are not just me, the recovering alcoholic, but for you as well, the friend of an alcoholic.

I’m sure that even you have THOSE thoughts that, even though you may have forgiven yourself of, still keep coming back for some reason.  If that be the case, has your subconscious mind forgiven yourself of those doings?  Maybe part of the “self” forgiveness is actually seeking forgiveness from those we have harmed.

Difficulties in Application

Granted, people have moved on and may be very difficult to find.  Amends may not be able to be made to some.  Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, will help with those that we can no longer contact.  More specifically, “to another human being”, will help us deal with those we can’t directly make amends to.

It will be up to us to determine just how “safe” this process is.  We aren’t going to want to put ourselves in a situation that could bring harm to us or to another person.  Those will most definitely have to be directed “to another human being.”

Personal Example

Without being too specific, I have a memory from my days in high school.  A friend and myself had just been busted smoking in the boys room. Self preservation kicked in, and also self preserving my car keys and anything else I enjoyed.  I denied the charge, relentlessly, right there in the principle’s office.  Made a big scene, and a big ol’ fool of myself.

I returned home and told my folks what had happened, how I DIDN’T smoke (uh, I did smoke), how wrong the guys was for thinking he caught me, the good son, smoking!  Well just before dad made THE phone call for some reason I caved.  I admitted I indeed smoked, but I was still adamant that I was not caught smoking! Needless to say, dad couldn’t really do anything at that point (and I lost my car keys…thanks mom).  I mean, I smoked.  What else was he to do?

My behavior at school, my behavior towards the person that caught us, has been haunting me very very frequently since that episode happened.  Several times I’ve ran into the one that caught us and I wanted to just say to him that I was sorry for what happened 20 years ago.  Seemed too silly at the time.  Now I know it’s for me, not him.

That’s just one example, as silly or minor as it seemed.  I have more. I just have to write them down and then act.  Don’t expect them all to somehow make their way across this screen, though.  I mean, I do have a private side.

Finally

I’m not an expert in this area by any means.  I’ve never attempted anything like this.  The process is in the AA book (It’s in my list of reading there on the right bar). These steps have worked for millions before me.  I can only assume it will work for us as well.  Remember, you don’t have to be an alcoholic to have these hauntings.

UPDATED 11/22/2008
I’ve had some…second thoughts, I suppose is the best way to put it. What do you think of the idea? Any “gotchas” that maybe I haven’t really fully thought about?