I’ve experienced a lot of weekends in my life.  This past one was quite possibly the worst one in my 37 years.  So much pain. 

Hoping I never have one like it again.

SC

Hey. Thanks for stopping by. While you’re here I just want to take a second to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you, nor the blog, and try to give the best excuse I know.

I’ve reached another of those points in life where I’m feeling a bit like I’m here just to exist. Nothing really exciting happening. Nothing much good happening, or that’s what my mind wants me to think anyway. I have a tendency to give into my mind a lot.

I was having a tweetersation the other day and told them that I feel like I’m Bill Murray in the movie “Groundhog Day.” Now, if you’ve seen the movie you probably understand. If you haven’t, you should see it. It’s a pretty good movie.

To put it simply, everyday I wake up seems to go just like the day before. Like I’m living the same day over and over and over. The routine is the same. The emotions and feelings are the same. Life seems to revolve around the pain in my neck, literal pain in my case.

I’ve not told you that the results of my myelogram was 3 more bulging discs in my neck. I made a trip to the Dr last week to get a steroid shot in area of the bulges but due to there being a plate in my neck from a previous surgery, the shot was aborted. He wasn’t going to be able to see via the fluroscope where his needle would be going and that would just be problematic.

So, anyway. I’m here. The blog isn’t going anywhere, meaning I’m not going to shut it down or anything. I still want to write but at this point I don’t have a lot to say that hasn’t already been said. Once I get this pain figured out or figure out a way to deal with it I hope to be back here in full swing. Until then I’ll just be updating on occasion. I am still reading your blogs (if you’ve shared them with me) so I’m still around.

Until next time, God Bless.
SC

Tomorrow (Monday, 4/26/2010) I’ll be a little bit older.  I’ll be 37 years in the making, though not real sure about 37 years the wiser.  For the record, I know I get a little bit older every day, every instance actually.  Not sure why birthdays make us feel that much older.  I guess because it actually goes on record.  But, I’m rambling now.

Scheduled Test

Tomorrow I also go in for my myelogram (See Taking Another Test).  Pretty excited about that.  If this test finds something definitive that would be a pretty good birthday present.  At this point in my life that’s just about the only thing I really want.  The test is at 10am.  No coffee for me in the morning.

Finishing Up

Well, I’m a bit surprised at how few thoughts I’ve had recently.  Makes for an uninteresting blog entry huh?  But, it is what it is.  If I can ever get me well, maybe my brain can start working again. Until then, I just wanted to give you guys an update.  Appreciate any prayers for the test, for life actually.

Because of HIM,

SC

Ever had a dream while you were sleeping?

Kidding.

A couple of nights ago I had one of those dreams that is sticking with me and I for the life of me don’t know why THIS dream is. If it was something spectacular I could understand.  But this one?  This is for all of you dream interpreters.  What do you think it means?

Opening Statement

In starting up my business, I’ve been going around to several small businesses and introducing myself and my company to them, handing a business card, and talking to those who wanted to continue the conversation.  I’ve also been trying to dress the way I want the business to look.  Slacks, button-up shirt and a tie.  Professional.  I’ve always liked wearing ties and I guess it’s because they make me feel good.  Best I can come up with.

The Dream

I can’t remember a lot of the dream, but it’s enough.  In my dream I was on one of those business ventures and I had someone filming me as I did my introduction and such.  I don’t know this for a fact, but it makes sense, I guess I was wanting something to study to see how I could improve these meetings.

When I reviewed the recording, something horrible happened.  Rather, something horrible HAD happened and when I woke up from the dream, I was almost sick to my stomach.  It felt that real.

Anyway, I couldn’t make out my face in the film but the camera moved from in front of me to behind me and the angle was down from a sitting position and I was standing up in front of the camera facing away and toward the client.  I thought it was neat that I couldn’t see myself even in film in the dream.  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen me in my own dreams.  But, that’s not the point.

So I had on this nice white shirt with red stripes, blue slacks, I can’t remember the tie.  I do remember that I thought my hair looked in just the right place.  I looked, professional.  Another thing I had on, apparently, was Strawberry Shortcake underwear, and they must have been way to big for me because they were pulled up to the middle of my back and were very clearly visible through my shirt! 

The thought in my dream occurred to me that everyone that I had “professionally” met that day had seen that very image that you just saw.  I was so embarrassed when I saw it and like I said, when I woke up I was almost sick.  It was a horrible image! 

I do apologize for said image, but why in the world would I dream that and why in the world is it staying with me so easily?  Says something about the thoughts I have while sleeping.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by my_new_wintercoat via Flickr

This post has some really bad news and some potentially really good news.  I’m hoping you’ll think about the good more than the bad.  I’ll start off with the bad.

The bad news.

I’m not going to say much about it because, well, I can’t do anything about it and I don’t want any kind of repercussions from it.  So, here is the bad news…quickly.

Some of you know, most of you don’t.  Thirteen days after my surgery, the boss at work wanted to meet with me.  After 11 years of service, through some good times and through some not so good times, I was informed that I was not going to be going back to work for my, well, previous employer now.  Yeah, I was fired.  Wasn’t happy.  Still ain’t and for so many reasons.  They were nice enough to continue my insurance and disability until March.

Not sure what’s going to happen come March.  Especially seeing that I’m not well enough to work yet.  And still having tests etc.  But, it’s going to be just fine.  I’ve complete faith in God.

The good news.

I’ve written several posts about going back to school and getting my education in Bible or ministry and also being a counselor.  That word, ministry, is such a broad area that I can’t pinpoint which direction I’m going to be going, but I’m really feeling lead to be in the pulpit.

I’ve mentioned taking online courses at Liberty University and I got pretty far into that process, but with my back being the way it is, I put it on the back burner on simmer.  Well, there is a good possibility that I’ll be taking it completely off the stove after tomorrow.

This past week I went to the church offices and had a good long let-it-out session.  By the end of the session we had pretty much determined that this was just God’s way of closing one door and opening a window, somewhere.  I had thought that myself and to hear him say it only made it even more real, if you know what I mean.

I thought my next step might be to get a job and that’s not necessarily so.  I had to decide what I was/wanted to do.  Since it’s been on my heart for so long, getting into ministry is what I want to do.  Education will be my first major step and there is no better time like the present.  That’s what I’m praying for anway.

After the decision was made, my minister since then has made some phone calls and we have a meeting for 9:30 tomorrow morning with an adviser, maybe a professor at David Lipscomb University in Nashville.  Then, we’ll just see where God leads me from there.

I do have some things going through my head as far as income goes.  Got insurance to worry about and that sort of thing.  And of course, there is the whole issue with the back that’s ongoing (no word on an MRI yet).  But, tomorrow, the meeting is my first step and a huge leap of faith.  I couldn’t be more excited.

Because of HIM

SC

Ten days until surgery and I’m still well beyond ready for it.  A big reason I’m ready is so I can get off this medication.

From the beginning of this mess, the pain meds were a huge concern for me because of the issues with addiction that I have.  While I was in rehab, there were folks there that were addicted dependant on pain pills because of pretty much the same issue that I’ve got.  They had become dependant on them from the process of having to fight pain.  I don’t want that to be me.

To fight the issue I’ve made sure that on just about every visit to the Dr. I remind them about my issues with addiction.  I make sure they understand that I’m bothered by the possibility of becoming dependant on pain pills.  Every time I’m reassured that he will not let me get to that point.  Still, even being under the doctors care, it’s a concern.  My thoughts are it’s most likely good to have that concern otherwise I think there is more of a chance of falling down that path.

Another problem that I’ve had with the medication is that it’s really messed with me on an emotionally level.  Sure, I’m not hurting as much physically, but mentally it’s been like living in a torture chamber. 

I’ve not felt like doing anything.  No motivation to get motivated.  Some of the lack of motivation is from the pain in general.  There are days, even with so much medication, that it hurts to do anything, so I don’t.

Depression is another word that gets thrown around a lot.  I just don’t feel like Scott.  Most of the time I feel like I’m only existing, and that’s all.  Again, part of that is from the pain.  I think, rather I hope, that the majority of the depression is coming from the medication itself.

Part of me looks back on all of this and I think to myself that with all of the negative that seems to be coming from the medication, there is no way I could become addicted to the stuff.  Having been an addict, I don’t see how others are addicted to the mess.  As soon as I typed that last sentence I was rushed back to my days of drinking and I remember how awful I felt during that time.  Sleepy, depressed, etc., and I see how others are addicted.

I’ve already started the process of stopping one of the medications that I’ve been taking.  I have  had to increase another to fight the pain that is normally masked by the one that I’ve stopped.   Still, it’s one less that I’m hoping to have to deal with when the time comes.

Can I tell that I’ve stopped?  YES!  The one that I’ve stopped was really doing a good job of masking some pain.  It’s not masked anymore.  Pain levels have increased exponentially but no withdrawals that I was concerned about.  I did take it again for a couple of days through Christmas after being off of it for 4 days or so, that’s when the pain level shot up.  I’ve now stopped it again and today has been a really rough day.

I think I can make it 10 more days though.  The light keeps getting brighter and brighter.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by angelsk via Flickr

It’s been a really rough/tough year.  The bulging disc I have in my neck has caused pain that has pretty much taken over life.  It has been hard to do anything because the pain is so prominent.  Even writing here on the blog has been tough, as you can tell from my absence.  I have desires to write, but those desires soon gets taken over by the pain and I don’t want to do anything but make it go away.  I’m hoping that gets resolved soon because I really miss writing and doing other things that I like and finding new things that I don’t know that I like.

Some may not know this, but on Jan 6th at noon, I’ll be going under the knife.  A 45 minute surgery to perform a disc fusion in my neck.  I’m ready for it.  I’m beyond ready to get rid of this pain and get some normalcy of life back.  Including writing and everything else I’ve been wanting to do.

So, I’ve been thinking.  Scary, I know.  If you are just starting recovery and you feel on top of the world, let me warn you.  You are going to experience life’s hardships.

The first year of my recovery I can remember how great everything was.  I felt invincible almost.  It was a feeling like I had reached the pinnacle of life and I could handle anything that came at me.

During the second year, reality struck and life hasn’t been so easy.  Reality being that I’m not even close to invincible.  Situations ARE going to come up that I have absolutely zero control over.

Situations have occurred where I knew that I needed to listen to God and let him take control.  I’ve really struggled with those situations the most.  Mainly because I want control.  Even if I tell myself and tell God that I’m letting him have it, I can’t keep my paws off of it.  It’s selfishness, and us alcoholics thrive on it.  One hundred percent of the time, those situations don’t go away and often they get worse.  Still, I want control.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not real sure how we are supposed to let go of it.  So, I’ve been trying to figure that out within the last quarter of this year.  It’s a work in progress.

I’m so glad that during that first year of recovery I worked hard on my new foundation.  I’m glad that I had taken so much time recognizing that God is my rock.

I shutter to think how much different this year could have been had I not done exactly everything that I did during the first year.  I would be lying if I said that during this rough time I’ve never had a thought about alcohol.  There have been times where it would have been so easy to give in.  But, I thank God that I was given the chance to build my relationship with him.  It’s because of that, that I didn’t let any of those thoughts hang around and I didn’t act on any of them.

For your recovery’s sake, if you don’t believe in God, find your higher power and sink as much time as you can into recognizing just how powerful and wonderful and great it is.  I do pray that you will soon see that, that higher power is God.  For now though, just don’t do life on your own.

As I have been writing this, the “pink cloud” keeps coming to mind.  During my first year, I heard this cloud mentioned so many times and had no clue what folks were talking about.  Now, I realize that during part of that first year I was riding the pink cloud.

Because of HIM,

SC

I had an experience last week that brought about this…thing…that has been affected by my alcoholism.  I say thing because I’m just not sure if it’s an area of life, an emotion, a feeling, or if it’s even in the realm of any of those items.

Recall

Just like everything else related to alcoholism, not even alcoholism really, more like related to sin but that’s a different post, it started out small and became so large and so often that I soon stopped caring that I was doing it.  What is it?

Lying about my situation.

If the guilt of drinking wasn’t bad enough, I also had to deal with the issue of hiding the alcoholism.  Then worrying would I get caught.  Looking back it’s just amazing how sorry of a person I was.  Maybe not so much at first because it really did bother me…like that somehow makes me less sorry.  I don’t think it does.

Anyway, I hated drinking and I hated lying about the fact that I was doing it and also lying to myself that I didn’t have a problem.  The guilt of it all would and could be overbearing at times.  So, to get rid of that feeling you know what I would do?  Yep. Drink. Lots.

It was a vicious cycle and just like riding a bi-cycle, it became easier and easier and easier each time I rode.  Soon the training wheels came off and I was a pro. Well, I thought I was.

When those closest to me could smell the stench of the night before on my breath or seeping through the pores of my skin, I would deny that it was me.  Toward the end, I did it so much that I really think I was convincing myself that it wasn’t me that was stinking or it wasn’t me that was drinking.

It’s so strange how that works.  Lying so much that your convinced by your own lies.

Recently

I experienced that guilt last week.  I experienced that very same, horrible, feeling in my gut that I had just lied to someone concerning my drinking, and I haven’t had a drink in 18 months….Today! (Wow…18 months sober on 8/25/09).

As the windows rolled up in the car, the question came out “You might be in trouble,” and there was this look of shock, confusion, and disbelief.  I felt as though I had just been caught, red handed, but I wasn’t sure what I got caught doing.

A scent had come wafting through the windows.

“What have you been drinking?” I was asked.

Then my mind took off.  Just like old times.  Like I hadn’t missed a day of drinking.

The voice in my head said, “Quick, tell her something, you gotta make her believe that you didn’t have anything to drink last night!”

“But I didn’t have anything to drink!” I told my mind. (talking to myself again)

“No matter, she’s not going to believe you.”

I’m not sure what kind of expressions I had on my face.  My stomach, my mind, and my being was convinced there was no way I was gonna be believed.

I then told her, “I had a cup of coffee…a diet coke…”

Pretty much the same things I used to say.

“…I haven’t had anything to drink,” I continued.  “It might be the soap I’m using or hair stuff.”

Yep, same thing I used to say.

This time I was believed.  Nothing else was said and there were no more smells mentioned.

I’m sure this is a scar that I’m going to have live with for the rest of my life.  Old guilt brought up at the whiff of something in the air.  It wasn’t long ago that I had to hide so often that now when the questions come it’s an immediate mental reaction to take flight.

The guilt associated with lying can throw us into relapse pretty quick, I’m told.  It starts a vicious cycle that leads to nothing good, I’ve been told.  I’m glad I’ve only been told. Not something I want to experience.

If we do catch ourselves lying, amends MUST be made right away.  That’s what step 10 is:

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”

This leads me to my next post.  Be sure to come back…..I’m KIDDING!  Don’t worry, there are no lies on the pages of this blog and I haven’t been drinking.

Honest, I haven’t.

Because of HIM

SC

This is the third and final part of this series.  If you’ve missed the other posts you can catch up starting with A Hit on an Old Thought, A Hit on an Old Thought – Part 2. 

On my own?

As I stated in a prior post, I know I can not stay sober doing this on my own.  “This” being recovery and the lifelong process that is involved.  I have someone that I pass my disease off to everyday.  Who?  The one I trust the most and knows what’s best for any situation I’m in, God. 

When my day is over and I haven’t had a thought of alcohol, I always thank him for taking care of me. 

I feel more comfortable dealing with my disease knowing that He will do more for me than going to AA could do.  In return, I’ve dedicated my life to doing whatever he desires of me.  I’m not perfect at this part of the return, but perfection is only something I strive for. 

Now instead of going around constantly thinking that I am an alcoholic, I can spend my time thinking of how I can be a better Christian. 

My Support Group

I also have a huge support group.  I don’t mind telling folks my struggles so my church family also knows that I am an alcoholic.  They don’t look down on me, well some might still but that’s not my problem. I know the group is there if I ever need to talk to someone, even some that are having to live with and fight alcoholism.  It’s the best support group that a person could have with the best leader there ever was and ever will be.

Conclusion

So, I don’t have to constantly be thinking about me being an alcoholic.  I don’t have to hear the horror stories of life past, nor do I have to think of my personal horror stories.  After all, it’s all in the past and it’s OK to forget about it I think. 

Some will argue against that and I suppose it’s ok.  I’m having the best times of my life and I know it would be so much different if I were still going to AA meetings every night. 

It is so nice to spend my time thinking about my current life, how I can be a better Christian, and continuing to build my relationship with God, Jesus, my kids, myself, and all of my brothers and sisters. 

I was going to say that what is working for me won’t work for everyone but I don’t believe that for a second.  God will help you with any addiction that you are having trouble with.  All it takes is you becoming a slave to God.  But, it’s ok.  No, it’s better than OK, it’s fantabulous!

Because of HIM

SC

For the first part of this series go visit A Hit on an Old Thought

Let Me Explain

I’ve heard the phrase “You are what you think” and I’m still struggling with whether I believe that or not.  I suppose there is, or can be, a lot of truth to it.  After this three part series I’ll be posting another thought that goes along with that same phrase.  I suppose I’m talking myself into believing it.

Looking back, “You are what you think” is a reason that I am better off out of the rooms than in them.  I don’t know about you, but often my thinking gets me in states of mind that I’d just soon not be in.  While I was in the rooms a common saying that I would hear was “Stinkin thinkin” and the thought was as alcoholics, when we start thinking our alcoholic thoughts, we are just getting that much closer to drinking, again.

But of all the good that came from this “You are what you think” I think more harm (re-reading now and harm may not be the choicest of words) can be done than good.  We introduce ourselves as alcoholics when speaking.  That’s nothing you’ve not heard about or seen on TV.  The stories we tell are centered around alcohol and all of the bad things that it did in our lives.  Even a lot of the private conversations were centered around this same thing.

I was always thinking about my disease.

Therapy

This was very therapeutic, don’t get me wrong.  In it’s basic form it kept me on my toes and also remind me that I’m not alone in my struggle.  It gave me a chance to shine.  It made me feel good about myself.  If not good at least I didn’t feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.

I don’t know how it works.  I don’t know how talking about something that had consumed me for so long helped me to overcome that something.  But, it worked.  It has worked for others for years.  It will continue to work.  And it works in other areas of addiction, it’s not just for alcoholics.

There came a time when I think I just got tired of the therapy. 

Even after hearing all of the horror stories of relapse from those who had quit going to their meetings, quit staying in touch with their sponsors, and struck out on their own doomed for failure because of “stinkin thinkin”, I was ready to move on.  Ready to stop thinking about this demon, alcoholism, all the time.  Ready for a different type of therapy.

Just so you know

I am still aware of several things.  Yes, I’m an alcoholic.  No, I can never forget that.  I don’t have to discuss it constantly to be aware of that.  No, I will not be able stay sober on my own.

Next post I will let you know how I’m doing it.  I’ll fill you in on my current therapy.  If you’ve been around here very long at all, I’m guessing you already have a pretty good idea how.

Because of HIM

SC