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Been a while.  Have had a lot of struggles.  Seems like I’ve been battling depression for 3 years, and it’s still going.  Though I’m having more good days than bad.  Still sober and it’s still not easy cheesy.  Still battling the back pain, but just recently found a ton of relief.

A few months ago the doc and I changed the meds that I was taking for depression, at my request.  I didn’t feel like the old meds, which I had been taking for at least 10 years,  were working as well.  It took a while to find something that I felt was working.  If you decide to do something like that, to change your anti-depressant, just watch out because while you’re getting used to the new medicine, depression gets pretty weighty.

Still sober and in February it’ll be 4 years.  Seems like it’s been a lot longer than that.  Staying sober is something I’ll have to continue to work at for a while longer.

In the early days I remember hearing just that, that it’s a life-long process.  I didn’t really understand what that meant exactly.  During some of my worst depression days is when I have more thoughts of “just going out this one time and grabbing a six pack” because “I just want to feel better right now.”  Thankfully I have tools and a mindset to not act on those thoughts.

Still have a “taste” that won’t go away.  It’s the same taste I used to get when I would be at work or out somewhere and unable to drink but it wasn’t long before I could.  Have that taste right now actually.  That’s pretty tough to deal with, too.

I guess I say all of that to let anyone who’s just started their sobriety know how things progress.  Realize though that not everyone is exactly the same in their sobriety.  I hope it’s easier for you.

I found pain relief for my back about 3 months ago during an office visit with my PCP.  I was asking about getting an MRI on the thoracic area of my back since no one has EVER ordered that procedure for me.  Yeah, ever.  The reason I can’t get that MRI is usually, “no one has problems in that area of the back usually.”  Very frustrating to say the least.

Anyway, during that visit the doc asked if I had had a steroid shot at the spot where it hurts.  I hadn’t.  I had had a shot in my neck a few years ago which didn’t do anything.  Know why?  Because the pain isn’t or hasn’t been in my neck!  Which is what I’ve been trying to tell every doctor that I’ve seen since I started this mess.  He gave me a steroid shot right where I told him it was hurting.  I was very nervous about having a shot in my back.  I don’t like having shots in my butt much less my back!  Fortunately, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it because he did it that visit.

The shot had 3 different meds in it.  A long lasting steroid, a fast acting steroid, and lidocaine to numb the area.  The relief was immediate!   The reason it was so fast was the lidocaine, but whatever.  I’ll take it.  The pain did come back after the lidocaine wore off but in a day or two I had little to no pain.

I’ve had 2 of those shots (one a month) and can have one more (this Wednesday).  In six months we can go back to one a month, for 3 months.  I’m not sure if they are the epidural type shots or not. I think so because once he gets so deep I can feel something back there hitting right on the spot in a sort of “OW…..ahhhh” kind of moment.

I’ll stop there for now. I’ve been wanting to get back to writing again for so long.  Often I would just lose the urge or wouldn’t know what to write about.  I hope to not be such a stranger and get back to writing again.  I really enjoy it.

Because of Him,

sc

The myelogram and CT Scan went off without a hitch on Monday.  I’ve not heard any results as of this writing, but I have left a message with the Dr.’s office to call me back with the results.

The procedure was, well, different.  It wasn’t necessarily a painful procedure, but the couple of days after have been less than desirable.  I say “that painful” because it was a bit uncomfortable.  I mean, I had someone poking a needle in my back and pushing some foreign liquid into my spine.  Not the most friendly thing I could have had done.

The Procedure-Pre-Op

Like they always do, I had to have some blood taken.  I made the mistake of letting the nurse know that it was my birthday and that she better take it easy on me.  I’ll keep my mouth shut one day.

After I had told her this, she yelled across the room to another nurse, “Bring me a butterfly, please!”  Not knowing what a “butterfly” was in nursing terms, I asked.  She, not so quietly said, “It’s a little baby needle.”

Great.  Now the whole world, or the part of the world that was in that area, knew I was a wimp.  But I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt, at all!  I may have to tell the next person to want my blood that it’s my birthday.

Of course, the nurses were extra nice. We laughed and cut-up.  No pun intended.  My “clowning around” personality came through I guess.

The Procedure – Conflict

The next stop was the X-ray room.  Considering I kind of knew what was about to happen, I still wasn’t all that worried or nervous, which worries me and makes me nervous.

The first item up for business was the explanation of the process and where they were going to be focusing the tests.  My cervical spine, aka the neck, is the only location they were going to be scanning.

This bothered me because I just don’t think the problem is in my neck.  I think it’s lower down, in my thoracic area.  We talked for a few minutes, I almost put the process off, the X-ray Tech called the Dr’s office to confirm that this is what he was waning, it was, so I did.

The Procedure

They had me lie down on the x-ray table, face down and they had these should rests that I had to make sure my shoulders were firmly placed against.  Why?  I’ll tell you shortly.

Some dude in a white coat then comes in to do the poking.  He told me that I needed to lie still and that I was going to feel a sting.  These guys amaze me.  He was right to a certain extent.  I wouldn’t so much call it a sting though.  Stings, sting.  This kind of hurt pretty bad.

He was just applying the anesthetic.  Now, I’m not sure what the difference would have been had he not done this.  I’m thinking he has to use a needle in both instances so why not just do the do once?

Either way, he then told me I would feel pressure.  Spot on.  I then may feel some tingling and some discomfort in my legs, head and pressure in my ears.  Pretty much spot on.  Pretty much. As quickly as he came, he was done and the dye was in.

Now, they were going to be scanning my neck but they stuck the needle and inserted the dye in my lower back.  “How does that work?” you say.  Remember the shoulder rests?

It was at this point that they tilted the table so that I was head down which allowed the dye to run from the lower back to my neck.  Turns out it’s easier to insert things into the spine from the lower back.  The vertebrae aren’t as close together down there.

I could feel the dye running up my back and it was at the point it reached my shoulder area that the majority of the pain I experienced happened.  It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin that spread out to both of my shoulders.  No, I don’t know how that actually feels but I have an idea now.  I thought maybe that was where the problem was with my back.  Maybe it had leaked out and they would see the actually problem causing so much pain.  I didn’t like this part at all and they didn’t seem too concerned, so I quit crying.

The rest of the process was pretty dull.  They took a few x-rays while I was in there.  Moved me to various positions.  No big deal.

Next was a log-roll onto a gurney where I went for a ride to get the CT scan.  I log-rolled to that table, some scans done, and then I was in the recovery room for the next hour, I was told it would be an hour anyway.

The Procedure – Post-Op

Fourty-five minutes later, I was laying in the recovery room on a table that was inclined to get the dye to again move back down to my neck.  They had to perform another scan.

What does this mean?  Why are they doing ANOTHER scan?  I’m not sure.  My thoughts were that they found something and needed to get another look.  Or maybe I moved and they didn’t get a good scan the first time.  I’m sticking with the first thought.

The recovery at home was worse than the actual process.  A lot of discomfort in my lower back and it’s taken a couple of days now to get back to some sort of comfort level.

Anyway, not sure what the tests will show.  I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Conclusion

If you are ever told that you will need the procedure, don’t worry about it.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Because of HIM

SC

Had my monthly visit with the pain management doctor today.  I love
traveling around this time of year even on those short 45 minute trips.

The weather was perfect.  Perfect for driving with the windows rolled down.  Well, except for the allergens in the air.  They kind of got too me on the way back.  Even in pain, it was a nice drive.

The visit was pretty normal.  Trying different combinations of medicine in hopes of getting rid of one of the two I’m having to use.  We haven’t had much luck the last few months.  It seems only one combination/strength manages the pain, and even then it’s not perfect.

After surgery, it really is a drag to have to continue to battle this pest.  It was a drag before surgery, don’t get me wrong, but I just had hopes that don’t seem to be realities.  Add to this the fact that my insurance will end at the end of May and the medicines are so expensive without insurance, I just keep getting dragged and dragged.  But, I’ll make it through it.

I am going to have another test soon.  At least before I lose insurance.  They are going to setup a procedure called a myelogram at my request.  Something is wrong back there in my back.

They tell me they don’t see anything wrong, but I can feel something wrong.  So, maybe this test will show something, anything, another option that can be fixed so I can reach my ultimate goal of being pain free and taking zero medication.

It’s going to take a couple of days for them to get back to me, but at least there is another option.  If this doesn’t show anything then I guess the pain is all in my head.  But, I don’t have many headaches.

Because of HIM,

SC

I’m sitting here looking at this vast, empty, white space and wondering how in the world am I going to make my specTABulous re-entry into The Ever-Changing Thought.  After 2 months, I’m not even sure I can get back into my thoughts enough to be able to share the way I have in the past, not to mention not having the ability to write any longer.  I do miss it so I’ll just have to do the best that I can do.  Oh, and it’s probably not specTABulous either. 

The Quick Catch Up

Since February 7th, has a lot happened?  Not really.  The back still hurts and pain meds are a must.  I’ve had another MRI on my thoracic spine because the pain is still so bad.  Nothing showed up on the MRI so I’m not sure what the next step is.  The surgeon wanted me to do physical therapy, but I did 20 visits of that last year for the same issue and I’m not too excited about jumping into that, considering it didn’t help a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a myelogram.  Who knows.

I’ve celebrated year number 2 of my sobriety.  That was on February 25th.  I didn’t really do anything to celebrate it, but still very proud of this mark on my path.

Because the pain is still as persistent as it is, I don’t see me being able to hold down a normal 9 to 5 job.  I’m also putting going back to school off for another year.  I’m having too many bad days.  So, I’ve started my own business working out of my home, doing the same thing I’ve done for 16 years. 

I started Allistin Technologies as an IT consulting and support company for home and small to medium businesses.  Network support, computer support, installing, whatever needs to be done, whatever configuration of the network, I’m going to be offering support for whomever for those areas. i do have a Facebook fanpage, if you’re interested in becoming a fan, and also a website, that needs a bit of work.

Business is slow, still, but I’ve only advertised for 2 weeks.  I have been to several business’s handing out cards.  I think it’s going to be fine.  I hope.

I took my daughter to get her driving permit today.  She was very excited and she passed, only missing two of the questions.  I did let her drive my truck for a little while today.  She did very good and yes, I was a little nervous, but we made it through it just fine.  Just can’t believe it got here so quickly.

Things Aren’t What They Seemed

I may have shared this in the past, can’t remember.  Life just isn’t going the way I thought it was going to go when I was younger.  Not even close.  And that’s kind of bumming me out a bit.  It’s a heavy weight that’s keeping me down a little bit I think. 

I know, I have the choice to make my life the way I want it to be, there’s nothing I can’t do, make the best with what I’ve got. I know all of those words, it’s the actions, the “how-to’s” that I am really struggling with.  What’s worse is the slide I’m on seems to keep on going into some dark, dank, abyss.  It was a fun slide, at first, but I’m ready to get off it now.  Too many ups and massive drop-offs seem to be making me a bit sick.

I tell myself quite frequently, “I just want normalcy.”  When I then ask myself to define “normalcy” silly me just can’t seem to do that.  It becomes hard to want something you can’t define. Maybe what I’m in is “normalcy.”  My “normalcy.”  But, I don’t like my “normalcy” and I want something different.  Well, what do I want?  I don’t know. World peace?

I don’t know, y’all.  This whole being a human thing sure isn’t a lot of fun.  It’s hard, and I have little piddly problems that I don’t even like to call problems.  I can’t imagine if I really had problems.  Guess I better not try.  I’m 37 (almost) and I’m finally realizing what life is hard, is really.  Actually, I’ve kinda known it for almost a year, either way, I’m glad it’s not the only thing I have to look forward to.

Finally 

Look at me, rambling on about much ado about nothing.  One thing that makes me happy is this blog, these ever-changing thoughts of mine.  I’m goaling to be here more often.  Two, maybe three times a week for now so I’ll see ya around.  Don’t forget to catch me on Twitter or Facebook.

Until next time.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by my_new_wintercoat via Flickr

This post has some really bad news and some potentially really good news.  I’m hoping you’ll think about the good more than the bad.  I’ll start off with the bad.

The bad news.

I’m not going to say much about it because, well, I can’t do anything about it and I don’t want any kind of repercussions from it.  So, here is the bad news…quickly.

Some of you know, most of you don’t.  Thirteen days after my surgery, the boss at work wanted to meet with me.  After 11 years of service, through some good times and through some not so good times, I was informed that I was not going to be going back to work for my, well, previous employer now.  Yeah, I was fired.  Wasn’t happy.  Still ain’t and for so many reasons.  They were nice enough to continue my insurance and disability until March.

Not sure what’s going to happen come March.  Especially seeing that I’m not well enough to work yet.  And still having tests etc.  But, it’s going to be just fine.  I’ve complete faith in God.

The good news.

I’ve written several posts about going back to school and getting my education in Bible or ministry and also being a counselor.  That word, ministry, is such a broad area that I can’t pinpoint which direction I’m going to be going, but I’m really feeling lead to be in the pulpit.

I’ve mentioned taking online courses at Liberty University and I got pretty far into that process, but with my back being the way it is, I put it on the back burner on simmer.  Well, there is a good possibility that I’ll be taking it completely off the stove after tomorrow.

This past week I went to the church offices and had a good long let-it-out session.  By the end of the session we had pretty much determined that this was just God’s way of closing one door and opening a window, somewhere.  I had thought that myself and to hear him say it only made it even more real, if you know what I mean.

I thought my next step might be to get a job and that’s not necessarily so.  I had to decide what I was/wanted to do.  Since it’s been on my heart for so long, getting into ministry is what I want to do.  Education will be my first major step and there is no better time like the present.  That’s what I’m praying for anway.

After the decision was made, my minister since then has made some phone calls and we have a meeting for 9:30 tomorrow morning with an adviser, maybe a professor at David Lipscomb University in Nashville.  Then, we’ll just see where God leads me from there.

I do have some things going through my head as far as income goes.  Got insurance to worry about and that sort of thing.  And of course, there is the whole issue with the back that’s ongoing (no word on an MRI yet).  But, tomorrow, the meeting is my first step and a huge leap of faith.  I couldn’t be more excited.

Because of HIM

SC

The morning of the surgery wasn’t bad really.  Ok, there are parts to the morning that were bad.  The worst part, for a while, was not being able to drink anything.  More specifically, not being able to drink coffee!

I’m thinking part of that was a mind over matter issue.  The command, “Don’t drink anything after midnight the night before surgery”, made not being able to drink coffee worse, I think.  You know, if someone tells you you can’t do something, what’s the first thing you want to do?  That very thing.  Same principle with the coffee.  I think if they were to rephrase all of that “after midnight” mess, us real folks would be able to deal with it better.

I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I was going to be, for a while.  I took to my own little world on the trip down and stayed there as long as I could.  It really kept the nerves at bay. 

At this point I would say the most worrisome issue was coming home the next day.  Lots of snow was expected.  My mom would be driving me back home, which is worrisome in and of itself.  Add to that that she hasn’t driven in Nashville much, if at all, plus the addition of snow.  Which is why we had planned on staying overnight the next night in a hotel if necessary.  Turns out we didn’t have to do that.  Mom drove us home, with some directions, just fine.  And, I only dirtied up 2 pair of underwear on the trip home.

Anyway, I arrived at the hospital and waited in the waiting room.  There were about a gazillion other folks there, so I thought I was going to have to wait a while.  I was still doing much better than I thought I would be.  A little nervous by now I’m sure.  But, I was ready to get this over with.

The waiting wasn’t that long and the time between the waiting room and making it upstairs to my room, was uneventful.  It was a very nice room, might I add.  The room was probably between 200 and 300 sq. ft. Half hardwood half normal hospital flooring.  It had a couch that folded out to a bed and it also had a chair and a nice little table between the two.  AND I didn’t have to share the room with anyone.

I did wait in my room for about an hour before anything happened.  Then, the nurse came in and she brought my nerves with her.

Because of HIM

SC

CRASH! CRASH! BOOM! PFFSSHHTT!

“SCOTT!”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Carful he’s pulled out his IV!”

“SCOTT! WAKE UP!”

“I’M ALIVE!!!”  That was the first thought that came to me as I awoke looking up into the bright lights of what I assume was  from the the operating room.  I only assume because I was barely coherent.

I had been dreaming while I was under sedation.  I can’t remember what it was about exactly, but I remember being in a sword fight.  Fitting, I guess.  Dreaming of swords while undergoing the knife.

There were some more words from the guy behind me.  He wasn’t speaking to me.  I remember some expletives that I’ll not share with you but I heard him say, “CENSORED CENSORED!! He’s pulled out his IV!  Right there!”

A female voice said something that I couldn’t understand.

“I don’t give a CENSORED!  Needs to worry about the patient instead of that CENSORED CENSORED stupid phone.”

“Scott!  You’re OK!  You pulled out your IV,  just calm down for us!”

I did.

“Right there it’s on his side,” he said to the female voice.

“Sorry.” I said.  Tried to say anyway.  It was pretty hard to talk.

“It’s ok Scott.  You didn’t know what you were doing.”

My throat felt as if an elephant was sitting  on it and he had glass shards on his rump.  They had said I would have a sore throat when I awoke.  Couldn’t have been a more gross understatement.  Obviously, this guy has never been intubated.  Ever tried to swallow with an elephant on your throat?  It hurts.

A quick check of my teeth to make sure that all of my caps were in place and no chipped teeth.  The anesthesiologist said that in some cases they do slightly chip patients teeth while intubating.  Everything seemed to be in place.  It was hard to tell since my tongue, mouth, and lips felt as if they were covered by 100 grit sandpaper.  Covered or replaced that is.

“Chapstick.” I screamed in a barely audible rough voice.

“What?”  the sore throat guy said.

“I need some chapstick. Lips dry.”  I said in that very same rough scraggly voice that sounded like someone who had just had a tube yanked from his throat.  That’s right.  The first thing I asked for that I can remember was, chapstick.  I can’t stand dry lips.  I think there will be tons and tons of chapstick in Heaven.

“We might have some grease for your lips.” the female voice said.  Don’t think I ever got my chapstick or my grease until later.

“Mouth’s dry,” was my next attempt at a statement.  Soon after I had a mouthful of ice.  Now that I think about it, I wonder if they shoved so much in there just so that I couldn’t talk?  Didn’t care.  It was the BEST ice ever and at least the sandpaper was going away.

“HURTS!”

“OK. Just give me one second and I’ll fix you up.” Jan said.  That was the nurse that got me ready for surgery and also was there to wake me up.

My vision was blurry.  I was back in my room now.  Still not sure exactly how I got back to my room.  A very nice room at that.  I’ll have more about that in my next post. 

I looked at the clock.  Almost 1:30PM.  Surgery had taken about an hour or so.  I then glanced at the motion to my left and saw Jan moving toward my IV tubes, hoping she was about to administer something for this excruciating pain that was coming on me from so many different places.

“OH! IT HURTS!”

“Here is some Fentanyl,” Jan said.

“Ahhhh.” came the last thought I had as the medicine hit the pain.

And I slept.

Because of HIM

SC

Eight days until surgery.  A watched pot never boils.  I get it.

After stopping and starting and stopping one of the medications I’ve been taking, I’m once again on the starting side of that see-saw.  Sunday and Monday were absolutely horrible days when it comes to my pain level.  Sunday was off the charts and Monday was just barely on the chart.  So, I started the meds again yesterday afternoon and though I am hurting quite a bit today, it’s not like the last two by far.

So now I’m enjoying a lower level of pain while also just tolerating the side effects of this medication that I keep stopping and starting.  I’m much more tired, seem to be a bit more depressed, and really have zero motivation to do much of anything.  In fact, I’m a bit surprised that I’ve had the motivation to spew out these words as I have.

Do I think the side effects are worth it?  I should say so.  I’m so relieved that there’s only 8 more days.  Even the thought of the possibility of having to take this medication and feel like THIS forever, even with a lower level of pain, is not a very nice thought to entertain.

I’m not nervous about the surgery, yet.  There is one tiny part of the procedure that causes me a bit of worry, though.

For the surgeon to have access to the vertebrates (C6-C7) he is going to go in through my neck.  No, that doesn’t bother me.  He will then have to move my esophagus to the right a bit, just so that it’s out of the way.  Still, not very worrisome (though I do wonder how much of a sore throat I’ll have afterwords).

Now, this next part is the bit that causes the worry.  Just like moving my esophagus to the right, he’ll have to move my carotid artery to the left some just so it’s also out of the way.  I’m thinking that’s an important piece that I’ll need him to keep intact.  I’m hoping he goes easy on the coffee that morning.

Well, now that I’ve went over a little bit of the procedure with you, got a bit of the nerves stirred up.  It’ll pass.  It will all pass.

Think it’s time for a nap now.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

I’m really getting aggravated at myself.  I’m getting aggravated at the voices in my head that shouldn’t be there.  No, not like wacky or anything.  Just, it seems at the most inconvenient times a thought will go through my head and seem to deflate me for hours.

That’s when those voices (thoughts) start pressing and won’t let me stop thinking about whatever is causing me grief.  I pray and I try to let it go, let God have those thoughts, but they come back quickly and the anger or whatever negative emotion happens to be associated with them, returns in full force.  Maybe even worse than before.

It’s not long before those thoughts start me spiraling into a pit that takes the entire day to get out of.  Darkness everywhere.  I see the light but it’s as if every ounce of me tries to avoid it.  Or the light is like a spotlight that is swiveling  in every direction and no pattern to follow.

So, why is it so difficult to take those thoughts captive?  No, I don’t think you can answer that for me unless you have a couch I can lay on while you drill me with questions.  But, you might have some insight.

Then after you give me the advice, why is it so difficult to put that advice into practice?

Again, one second I’ll be all gung ho and ready to run with whatever advice comes my way.  I’ll have thoughts of “I need to do such and such.”  I plan it all out in my head, then nothing happens.

The advice goes by the wayside.  The need to do ends up in file 13.  If I do start something new, successfully, I will be lucky to do it for more than a month.

It’s like, the newness wears off and I don’t see the benefits or positives as I did before. So, I quit.   Sometime abruptly.  Sometimes it will be a day or two and then I’ll remember how good it felt and I’ll do it more, but inevitably, I’ll stop.

Why is it so difficult to change? Is all of this just part of the recovery process?  Is this who I am?  Is this who I’m going to be?  Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?

It makes me feel fake.  I don’t think I am, but you should see or hear some of the silliness that goes on inside this head of mine.    I just want to be real.  I want to be normal.

Why is it so difficult?

Because of HIM

SC