Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

Photo By ttarasiuk

The Fine Print

I  want you to know that I’m not telling you that I think if you are doing, these things that I stopped doing that I think you are less of a person or that I am in any way better than you.  I’m not saying that if you do x then you are a horrible person and aren’t worthy to be a Christian, or that I am against x, y, or z.  I’m just putting this out there to let you know what I did to build my relationship with God.  This isn’t the end-all answer to getting you a relationship with God.  Understand?

I read a post over on the blog, Halfway to Normal, and started to leave a comment for the author, Kristin.  About 15 minutes and 200 words or so later, I decided that I would take my comment and turn it into a post of my own.  So, this is my comment to the post “When I’m not feeling very faith-full”.  Oh, you should really subscribe to her blog.  Really.  I’m not joking.

All of what is below here has helped me during my times of struggle.  From dealing with my issues with back-pain that is so over-powering at times, to dealing with past cravings, to dealing with just life in general.  Doing these things have kept me as close to God during the bad times as I am during the good times.  It has kept me on the straight and narrow during all 4 of the bold items that is listed at the end of her post.  Stress, out-of-routine, starting to lose sight, and when I’m just tired, I know that God is right here and I’ve not forgot him for 1 second.

So, Kristin, here ya go (and the rest of you guys and gals too)

So, how did I build my relationship with God?  Well, how do we build a relationship with people? For me, I used the very same building materials to build my relationship with God.  That’s right, Facebook and Twitter.  No, totally kidding.

Time

Not just time when it was convenient for me, but all the time I had and could. And sometimes even more than that.

Watching

I started out with one of the hardest things for me to do. I turned off my TV at a set time per night.  It really depended on which night it was and what show was on that determined at what time I would be turning it off. 

My “favorite” shows I watched while they were on.  Mostly because that was what my selfishness wanted to do.  Secondly because the shows were something that we talked about in our leisure time at work.

Seems like there was at least one hour nightly that I just “had” to watch TV.  The remainder of the night was usually just shows that I enjoyed and had watched since they premiered, but it wasn’t too much of a sacrifice for me to record them and watch them at another time.  Nights that I didn’t have a favorite show coming on is when I would watch the shows that I had recorded, but only for an hour.

During the time that I would normally be watching TV, I went into a completely different room and I started praying. I would then read my Bible. No particular order of reading at first, but then I found a schedule to complete the Bible in a year. It gave me more of a plan and made it easier to sit down and read.  Praying and listening to God is without a doubt, the most important tool I have used to build my relationship.  I’ll talk about that more shortly.

Because of the closeness to God I was feeling while doing this, it wasn’t long before I started recording all of my shows and spending 3 or 4 hours a night in scripture, tweeting or talking to some fellow Christians that I had found.  Also praying, and reading spiritually uplifting books by such authors as Lucado and Yancey.

I looked through my DVR the other day and it is now out of recording space, or very, very close to it, and I had deleted the “not favorite” shows from the device and the schedule in the past to make room for my favorites.  It is now full of almost an entire season of Lost, House, Heroes, The Office, and another one that I can’t remember now.  I haven’t watched those shows in a very long time. 

Guess how much I miss my “favorite” shows?  Absolutely none.  In fact, if I watch something now while doing other chores, I begin missing my time with God.  And I miss him way more than I ever missed watching the TV.

What’s that?  Oh, yeah, Now that I’ve got this amazing relationship God, I do turn the TV on every now and then.  I may catch something on Discovery or The History Channel or something while doing laundry or vegging.  But, it’s not on for very long before I start desiring to be in my bedroom reading, praying, or listening to God, then the TV goes off or I just leave it on and head back. Many nights at 7PM have I locked up the house, turned the lights off in the front of the house, and spent the remaining time in devotion or talking with fellow Christians.  I can’t imagine doing anything else really.

Praying

I love talking to God.  Praying and having a conversation with God is very rewarding.  And just like you can’t build a relationship with me without talking to me, you can not build a relationship with God without talking to him.  I mean talking to him.

This took some getting used to.  Sad to say that, I know, but it’s true. 

Like you probably already do, I was praying morning and night.  First thing up, last thing before going to bed.  But, as I spent time with him and not the TV, I wanted to spend more time with him during the day, at work, at play, wherever I happened to be.

I began having little prayers at lunch, little prayers between jobs, and it soon became as natural as talking to you, to talk to him just sporadically throughout the day.  I mean, he is God, and he is always there, right?  So, like I would with anyone that I was around that I had a relationship with, I talked to God. 

If I was frustrated I would tell him and ask him to help.  If I was feeling good about something that I had just completed, He would know about it first.  He would get the thanks for helping me through it. 

He was and is my Father and became my best Friend.

Listening

What I chose to listen to has bounced around quite a bit.  I may have gone on a stretch where I could listen to just about anything, except country. Yuck!  Then there were times when I didn’t like any of the music that was out there and I would listen to talk radio.

For the past several years it was talk radio.  Not all the time, but a majority.  I didn’t realize how that even affected my day.  I was getting a constant fill of the world and it was so depressing and aggravating.  I had to change.

I changed back to music, but changed to Contemporary Christian or to the heavier Christian Rock.  It was a little bit like worship, all the time. The music made me feel better.  There are songs that I can sing while driving or whatever, and sing them to God and I can feel it in my soul. 

No more of the worldly stuff.  I’m out of touch with the news.  I have been for a while.  But like the TV, it’s not really affecting me in any way.  At the same time, the music in it’s own way, is building up that relationship.

I also download several Podcasts from different churches and listen to those quit a bit.  Again, it’s healthy for my Spirit which keeps me in touch with God.

Reading

I’ve also really started reading, a lot.  I told earlier of a couple of the authors that I read.  But there are tons more.  I went through the bargain bin at Family Christian Bookstore one day a month or two ago and purchased 15 books.  Good books with uplifting words and thoughts.  Varying subjects on building faith, building self, other’s who have struggled with God only to turn their life over to Him.  Not the violence or language that I don’t need going in my head, dragging me down.  I still have 7 of those to read, 2 of which each contain 3 different books.

Even the reading has helped me in my relationship building.  Makes my mind think.  It puts different ideas in the ol’ noggin about certain things that I had always thought of a particular way.  Sure, I had to use discernment, but We grew from those books.

Morning devotions also really starts the day right.  I’ve been missing out on those because of all the sleep/pain/mess issues that I’ve been having.  I can really tell a difference in my day too.  These devotions are just praying, reading, and thinking (meditating) on God’s word.

Conclusion

Do I do all of this, perfectly?  Not a chance.  There are days that I’m off, but I still know that God is there beside me.  If I need him all I have to do is talk to him. 

There are nights that I will spend too much time doing chores and oh, yeah, watching TV.  But there aren’t many. 

Let me say this then I’ll hush.  I can almost hear you saying, “Scott, there is absolutely no way I can do that.”  We like our schedules the way they are.  I know. I was there too.  I’ve heard others talk about this ‘”stuff” in the past and I thought the very same thing.  I’m telling you that If I can do it, you can do it.  It won’t take long to get your schedule re-arranged.  I promise you that you will feel so much closer to God.

It will just take time.

Because of HIM

SC

Desire

1.to wish or long for; crave; want.

2.to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request: The mayor desires your presence at the next meeting.

3.a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment: a desire for fame.

4.an expressed wish; request.

5.something desired.

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⁵Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; ⁷the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. ⁸Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. – Romans 8:5-8

____

I remember times that I couldn’t wait to get home after work and begin drinking.  I desired it…and that almost doesn’t do the want I had justice.  Everything in my life was driven by this desire.  It was controlling.  It started out as a choice and became an evil.

When I come home now, I have a desire to spend time with God.  While I’m at work, I miss spending the quality time with him.  I’m so comfortable, more comfortable, with a Bible or a spiritually uplifting book in my hands than I ever was with the cans.

I guess you could say I’ve another addiction now.  I’m not looking for a fix for this one though.  I’m addicted to God and his Love and the excitement of seeing what he is going to do next in my life, in your life, in the world.

Reminds me of a song and it fits what I desire, what I crave, what I’m addicted to.  Found this on YouTube. Already had the lyrics, so, yay!

What’s your desire?

Do you look more forward to your favorite TV show than you do visiting your favorite church family?  Do you desire going to work more than you desire coming home?  Do you desire steak, ice cream, or goo-goo clusters, more than you desire the food that you can get from the Bible?  Do you desire that bass boat more than you desire the account of Jesus walking on water or being asleep on the boat only to wake and calm the storm that was disrupting the lives of the apostles?

What is really important to you that has become a desire?  Is that what you want?

Because of HIM

SC

Thought I would throw a quick update out on how things are going with the seemingly never-ending issues with my back/neck.  For those not in the loop, since January of this year I have been having lots of issues with pain in my back.  The cause of this pain? A bulging disc.  After much medicines to try and ease the pain as surgery doesn’t seem to be an option, I finally started injections to hopefully ease the pain without all the slicing and dicing.

Last Week

As I stated in the post last week, Thursday was pretty rough.  Most likely due to the procedure itself.  Friday seemed to be just as bad as Thursday.  Lots of wonder and worry as the pain level stayed up there.  Friday night the pain did seem to start to lessen.

Saturday morning I woke up and felt like a completely different person!  Not since December had I had as little pain as I had then.  I woke up, felt good enough to immediately start cleaning, doing laundry and apparently getting on with life.  Oh, did I mention that I started this day without having to swallow any of that horrid pain medicine?!?  In fact the best I can recall I only had to take 1 that day which is extraordinarily good  great considering the practices before.  I was, I hoped, on my way to normalcy.

This Week (So Far)

Sunday, unfortunately, was not as great as Saturday, but it was good non-the-less.  It was still manageable and I managed to have a great day. Felt great mentally.  Physically the pain level got up a bit.  Took more stuff to calm it down than I would have liked but still, very pleased.

Monday, a little more worse.  Still feeling great mentally.  I keep saying that because I am weaning myself off of the Zonegran which I think was making me emotionally and mentally dejected.  So, to say that I feel great mentally is wonderful.  I think I can handle the pain part as long as I feel like some kind of human in other areas. 

Tuesday (Today), I feel like nothing has ever been done.  The pain is back to a level 6 or 7 steady.  I feel ok I am just a bit on the frustrated side.  Having tasted what life with little to no pain is like and then thrown right back into this situation again is very depressing.  Well, maybe depressing isn’t the right word. I do still feel great mentally and emotionally.  Maybe hurt feelings, frustration, sadness, mixed in with a tad bit of anger.  That’s probably how I feel at this point. 

The Future

What lies in wait in the future?  Well.  I do have the option for 2 more of the injections and they could still do all that I hoped and thought the one was doing alone.  I’m not scheduled to return to the Dr. until Aug 31 but I’m hoping to get in a bit sooner.  I’m not sure how far apart the injections have to be but the word on the street is 2 weeks.  That being the case, I could have my second injection next Wednesday but that is if all the cards land on the table right. 

Conclusion

I’ll keep you informed.  I hope to some day in the very near future be able to stop whining about this.  You too huh?

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

Well, after much anticipation and angst, I was finally able to get those pesky ESI injections started.  I was hoping that the first would also be the last and it may still come to be, but there is still pain tonight as I write this. 

Yesterday when referring to the procedure to someone, I think I used the phrase that the bark was worse than the byte.  The procedure really wasn’t that bad and was over in what seemed like less, much less, than 30 minutes.  Best I can remember, the IV for the sedative was actually the worse part. 

I’ve had many IVs in my 36 years on this earth and don’t recall ever having someone “miss” or hear the words “oops that one moved” when they were trying to stick me.  I do recall hearing both of those…now.   My left arm looks better tonight and it looks like it’s going to rot off.  Last night it looked as though it might be hanging off.  But, that one didn’t hurt.  Turns out the second lady that came in and stuck me in my right arm didn’t miss but it felt like she actually tore my right arm off.  That hurt.  Oh, did I mention it made me a tad quite queazy and faint?  I guess I just did.  Another one of those things that I’ve not had happen when something was being done to me.

The doctor was a great doc.  He came in and spoke to me for 15 or 20 minutes about the procedure, answered some questions for me.  Funny thing is, I was a nervous wreck as I was about to have a needle stuck in my neck by this guy, and the second or third phrase out his mouth was, “Now, I’m not the best Dr. in the world but..” 

I’m not sure what he said for the next 5 or 10 seconds, but, it finally dawned on me that all he was saying is he wasn’t promising no problems, but in the 10 or 11 years that he has been doing it he only recalls having one issue and that was because the patient didn’t tell him about a car wreck or something that she had had years prior.

I asked questions, I did.  Questions about headaches that he spoke of and where exactly he would be entering with the needles.  He drew some pics on the table and also helped me to kind of understand exactly what was going on inside my neck and why I was having the pain.  Finally, I couldn’t think of any more questions to delay the process, and I guess he was ready to get on with it and so we did.

They led me down the hall in my pretty gown.  Don’t worry, I had on jeans.  I could hear faint calls coming from various directions, “Dead man walking! Dead man walking!”  I think it was my head playing tricks on me.  That head of mine, what would I do without it. HA!

We went into the room and well, I had to lay on my stomach so details at this point are sketchy.  I do know they gave me a sedative which was instant “I don’t care what you do to me” but I remember it.  I remember the doc saying that he would have to guide the needle in using one of the vertebrae and he told me about when I would be feeling that, and sure enough I felt that.  Didn’t hurt kind of weird feeling a bit of a bruise feeling.  I think it was an exact spot where I have pain all the time too so it kind of felt good in a sadistic sort of way.

When I sat up after the procedure I did have a scary moment with chest pains and that was normal as the steroid was moving around and pressing on various nerves.  Still, a bit of a scare.

Again, very little pain during the procedure.  Sweat bee sting at the most when he inserted the needle for the numbing agent.  I was very pleased with the process and when I was finished the fingers crossed and we were out the door headed to Burger King!  I hadn’t eaten since 8am, it was now 3pm.

The night was a little weird. Lots of new experiences with pain and non-pain.  I’m not sure how to describe it.

As I write this tonight though, I am quite a bit disappointed.  Feelings hurt.  I’ve had a very rough day today.  Pain levels are way up. Still having to take loads of medicine.  I’ve also noticed that when I eat or drink I always get the hiccups.  THAT is annoying.  I do keep trying to tell myself that it is way to early in the process to be worried about anything but I was so looking forward to this process and the relief.  I still have the possibility of 2 more shots before I should even begin to worry about it but still…

Then at some point today I had this verse run through my mind…

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” Romans 5:1-5

I realize that this suffering, this perseverance  is only developing character that has been promised will be used for good because God loves me…us.  So, it’s all good!

Because of HIM

SC

The Setup

^{A Blind Beggar Receives His Sight}

³⁵As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. ³⁶When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. ³⁷They told him, "Jesus of Nazareth is passing by."

³⁸He called out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

³⁹Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

⁴⁰Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, ⁴¹"What do you want me to do for you?"
      "Lord, I want to see," he replied.

⁴²Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you." ⁴³Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God. – Luke 18:35-43

Luke 17 and 18 were the chapters that was my reading plan for Wednesday night.  Prior to reading the reading plan was a day of worry, yes I said worry, about today’s mediation appointment.  Something about me, a dad, trying to get custody of my kids makes me worry just a bit.

Let’s Get Side Tracked

Sure, I posted a really cool quote the other night from Francis Chan on my Facebook status which went something like:

"Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big, powerful, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives"

I got that from his book/audio book Crazy Love which so far I’m really enjoying. 

Having said all that it brings up something totally not at all related to where I was going and that is, I’m not sure where I stand on that quote.  Sure there is some a lot of substance to it but, because I worried does not mean that I don’t think that God is big, God is powerful, or that God doesn’t love me enough.

Being human, as I think most of us are, is there anything wrong with worrying or wondering if what we want is not what God wants for us?  Prime example in my situation is custody of my kids.  What if it’s not God’s will that the children are in my custody?  Is it not OK to worry or wonder until that final decision has been made, which will be when the process is over?

Back To The Initial Point

So, as I think I may have stated, I had been worrying a bit about Thursday and then I read this at the  end of the night and there was a verse in that final section of the final section of my reading that grabbed me, picked my up by my shirt collar, smacked me around a bit, a set me back down to read it again.  It’s more of half a verse.  Did you happen to catch it?

Re-read that up there with this in mind.  It seemed that my prayers to God on Wednesday were always me asking God to do this or that or to help me with this or that.  Maybe just ease my mind because I knew he has control of this.

The point  came to where just thinking about Thursday brought knots in my stomach and tears to my eyes I was so stressed about the whole mess.  Then, when I had just about had enough I read verse 41 and just 3 words prior Jesus asked him, ⁴¹"What do you want me to do for you?"

The second time, after being set down, Jesus was no longer talking to the blind man.  Who was he talking to anyway?  I felt as though those words were meant just for me and they could not have came at a better time.  I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes and told Jesus what I wanted him to do for me, since he asked. 

The concern, the worry pretty much left.  Especially after some of the things that happened this morning that can only be described as Jesus doing exactly what I asked.  The wish-washy daughter was no longer wish-washy.  I can’t give too much detail, not as much as I want to share, but let me just say, I give all the glory to God because of his love for me and you.   There was a tad bit of worry, but that was mostly worry that my ducks weren’t in a row. 

Conclusion

How did the mediation go?  No change in current circumstances.  BUT, after my talk with Jesus and God, things should be a little better in the future. 

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

I’m still hanging on.  I’m still getting through this mess with my back.  I’ve got an appointment on Wednesday (May, 13th (which is also my son’s birthday)) to see a pain management Doctor.  It’s an exciting time, I think that’s the right term to use.  It’s also a bit frustrating because this sounds like putting a band aid on a broken arm.  It might cover it up, put it’s still broke.  I keep telling myself though that anything that can be done to keep me from taking this pain medicine will be a relief in and of itself.

Even through it all, how have I managed to keep my sanity about me?  Some may say, “Well, Scott, that’s debatable.” and I would tend to agree with you.  Maybe I’ve never had my sanity about me?  Maybe sanity is not the appropriate word, maybe the appropriate word is keep my Christianity about me.  My answer you already have determined, I’m sure, but just entertain me for a bit will ya?

Persevere

– to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly

It’s a word that I’ve heard so many times throughout my life, but haven’t really understood it to it’s fullest.  Also, over the last bit it’s been one of those hot topics that everyone that I’m around seems to be talking about.  You know how that is.  You hear a word one day then the next everyone is using it.  It’s been etched in my brain and I guess that’s part of the reason that I’m still on the right track through this.

I have been thinking of some examples that I can compare myself with. Compare, to see how they persevered through their rough times. Persevering is not just about getting over a painful situation though, which is what usually comes to mind when I hear that word. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know though.

A lot of times when I think of a person in the Bible who was a great example of perseverance, I think of Job.  Poor guy was just enjoying a meal with some family one day.  Then, with God’s permission, Satan started tearing Job’s world apart.  Just reading the first chapter of Job can usually make me feel better about what I’ve got.  But God knew the faith of Job and just as planned Job didn’t let him down.

Throughout the book Job deals with death, sickness, and friends trying to “talk some sense into him”, or so they thought.  But good ol’ Job persevered through it all and in the end, He was blessed with twice as much as he had before (Job 42:7-16). I invite you to read the entire book.  He really is a great example of perseverance.

The book of James, one of my favorite authors in the bible, tells us a lot about why one should persevere. Instead of repeating it, just go read it for yourself. I think it is a very inspirational book on perseverance.

Obviously the greatest example of perseverance is Jesus. He is the example that I hope I am being. I’m sure I’m failing a lot, but I’m trying.

Karen emailed this to me this week and I’ve just got to share it with you.

The Faith to Persevere

“Because you have kept My command to persevere ” (Revelation 3:10).

Perseverance means more than endurance—more than simply holding on until the end. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, “I can’t take any more.” Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God’s hands. Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now? Maintain your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ through the perseverance of faith. Proclaim as Job did, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15).
–My Utmost for His Highest – Oswald Chambers

High Fives

I’m going to brag on someone here.  I’m going to give this person a pat on the back.  That person is myself.  Through the pain I can’t remember a time when I said “I can’t take any more.” I can’t recall a time when I’ve said “Why God? Why the pain?” I’ve never given up the ONE who will see me through this. I’ve persevered through just by hanging on to Him and all of my brothers and sisters. There have been times in my life where the complete opposite would be happening right now.  I see God working through each of my friends and it really is a blessing.

So now, I give you a pat on the back.  I’m going to brag on you.  If it wasn’t for you guys and gals helping me stay focused I really don’t know that I could have made it this far.

I know, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.  I’m still fighting the pain and it does appear to be getting worse.  But I’m persevering and I will persevere because “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”

You too can persevere.  “Every successful person has to start somewhere” is a quote that I read sometime over the last week.  Every successful person has had to persevere. In what ways have you persevered?

Because of HIM

SC

This medicine thing is beating me up.  I’m tired all of the time.  I’m in very somber moods.  Cheer is not a word in my current vocabulary.  Wait, I just used it.  So maybe it is

I’ve so many thoughts and ideas come to me to blog about.  By the time I sit to write them out, the desire and the words often leave me.  So, I haven’t been writing as often.  Sorry.  I’m not writing the ideas down as they come to me, so I’m sure most will just fall away into the void.

I sit here and I blame it all on the medication.  It’s convenient.  It’s easy to do that.  I also think it’s the truth.

I’m not worried about taking the pills.  I’m not worried (well maybe a little) about getting addicted to them.  I’m under God’s care and the doctor’s care (I’ve told several of you guys/gals that) and everything will be OK as far as the addiction goes.  Not to mention, the way they make feel, yuck.  I can hardly wait until I can stop them completely.

Life has dealt me a blow that I was not expecting.  If it’s a test, I will pass.  Wasn’t long ago that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, say that.  I would fail miserably and drown away my feelings with an ice cold bud light.  I thank God daily, that doesn’t come to me as an option.

I will always come back to HIM.  Without HIM I’m nothing.

I’m here.  I’m reading you guys’ and gals’ blogs.  I’m just being quiet.  I’m not the me I was not so long ago.  I’m not really liking me.  This me.  Hopefully, sometime this month I can get back to some kind of normalcy.  I go to the pain management Dr.  Maybe he can do something to get me off this mess for a while.

Until then, you are welcome to hang around.  Not sure for what.  Just, take this post as an apology for Scott not being here

Because of HIM

SC

photo by neosnaps

So, I was sitting around the house one day early last year (2008) and a thought occurred to me that my life was spiraling out of control.  I had to do something.  So what did I do?  The same thing we always do when we have a decision to make.

One day during one of those hangovers, I was talking to myself and I said, “Self, what is going on with you?  Is this really how you want to go down in the family lineage?  What do you want to do? What do you need to do? Where is Scott?”  So many questions came flooding in. The hows, the whys, the whens.  You know, the typical questions that come along.

Well, I finally found a starting point.  Who was I going to talk to?  Turned out, the only answer I had to that question was my dad. So, off I went.

I wish I could remember everything exactly the way it happened.  I think this was the time that I went looking for my answer by  looking for him.  I’m pretty sure this was when I called him on the phone and asked him to meet me either at his house or my house.  At any rate, I told him that I needed help quitting what I had asked myself for.

As “luck” would have it, he knew exactly which door I needed to open.  I’ve blogged about this in the past I think.  He knew someone that had gone through rehab.  He said he would get me in touch with him and get the process started right away.  Give me some comfort as far as what to do, what to expect, and just to get my spirits lifted a bit about rehab and after rehab.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long after that, that I was speaking to one that was going to assist me in getting my life turned back around.  I will say, I had no idea just how big of a turn around it was.  That’s for a previous story, or future.

This has got me thinking about how this process is the very same process that we should use when we ask God for something that we need or want.  (NOTE: I say “want” hesitantly, that too is for another day)

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. – Matthew 7:7

This isn’t a verse that tells us 3 different ways to get what we need in life.  This is a verse that tells us the one way to get what we need.  It’s my opinion that all three steps must be followed in order to receive.

(I’m horrible at this.  So, this is one of those, “don’t do as I do; do as I say do” posts.  (Sound like my folks there, sorry))

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m really good at asking God for things I want/need.   My prime example, my desire to become a counselor.  I’ve done a really good job asking God to help me with that.  So, why have I not went further?  Why am I still in the same place that I was the first time I asked for help with this from God. Why?  After the asking, I don’t seek and I don’t knock, so I don’t get.

For me to get sober, I had to take the first 3 steps:

• Ask Myself What I wanted
• Seek the Solution
• Knock on the door of opportunity

We don’t have to do anything more or anything less, to get what God desires for us.  What say you?

Because of HIM,

SC

A string of excited, fugitive, miscellaneous pleasures is not happiness; happiness resides in imaginative reflection and judgment, when the picture of one’s life, or of human life, as it truly has been or is, satisfies the will, and is gladly accepted.-George Santayana

Image by Fr Antunes via Flickr

Who is this guy staring back at me?  He’s not the one that I used to see.  This guy looks……different.  It’s as if there’s something right about him.

His eyes are not bloodshot.  Just a bit sleepy looking, but wide open.  Not little slits that used to peer back at me.

There is worry on his face, but it’s not the same worry.  It’s more of a relaxed worry.

There is that look of pain, but after all, it is 6 A.M.  6A.M is always painful.  Ahh, he’s moving his shoulders, must be back pain.  Better than the scrunched eyebrows from what one would assume was a headache.

Is that a smile?  I think it is, and it appears to be genuine.  Well, more of grin or smirk than a smile.  Hmm, he does seem a little more chipper.  A little springy.

I think I like this guy.

Ahh, his hands.  I bet they shake when he……hmm, no shaking when he wipes his mustache.  Wait, he’s examining his hands more closely, let me look closer….nope.  Not shaking at all.

He seems mumbling something now.  Appears to be a chant or maybe just the same thing over and over.  Let me see if I can read his lips…

Yep.  I wrote it down.  I really really like this guy.  Here is what he is saying and it makes all the sense in the world…er..not in this world….

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

I think he’s alright.  Ya think?

Because of HIM

SC

verse from Romans 12:2