I’m sitting here looking at this vast, empty, white space and wondering how in the world am I going to make my specTABulous re-entry into The Ever-Changing Thought.  After 2 months, I’m not even sure I can get back into my thoughts enough to be able to share the way I have in the past, not to mention not having the ability to write any longer.  I do miss it so I’ll just have to do the best that I can do.  Oh, and it’s probably not specTABulous either. 

The Quick Catch Up

Since February 7th, has a lot happened?  Not really.  The back still hurts and pain meds are a must.  I’ve had another MRI on my thoracic spine because the pain is still so bad.  Nothing showed up on the MRI so I’m not sure what the next step is.  The surgeon wanted me to do physical therapy, but I did 20 visits of that last year for the same issue and I’m not too excited about jumping into that, considering it didn’t help a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a myelogram.  Who knows.

I’ve celebrated year number 2 of my sobriety.  That was on February 25th.  I didn’t really do anything to celebrate it, but still very proud of this mark on my path.

Because the pain is still as persistent as it is, I don’t see me being able to hold down a normal 9 to 5 job.  I’m also putting going back to school off for another year.  I’m having too many bad days.  So, I’ve started my own business working out of my home, doing the same thing I’ve done for 16 years. 

I started Allistin Technologies as an IT consulting and support company for home and small to medium businesses.  Network support, computer support, installing, whatever needs to be done, whatever configuration of the network, I’m going to be offering support for whomever for those areas. i do have a Facebook fanpage, if you’re interested in becoming a fan, and also a website, that needs a bit of work.

Business is slow, still, but I’ve only advertised for 2 weeks.  I have been to several business’s handing out cards.  I think it’s going to be fine.  I hope.

I took my daughter to get her driving permit today.  She was very excited and she passed, only missing two of the questions.  I did let her drive my truck for a little while today.  She did very good and yes, I was a little nervous, but we made it through it just fine.  Just can’t believe it got here so quickly.

Things Aren’t What They Seemed

I may have shared this in the past, can’t remember.  Life just isn’t going the way I thought it was going to go when I was younger.  Not even close.  And that’s kind of bumming me out a bit.  It’s a heavy weight that’s keeping me down a little bit I think. 

I know, I have the choice to make my life the way I want it to be, there’s nothing I can’t do, make the best with what I’ve got. I know all of those words, it’s the actions, the “how-to’s” that I am really struggling with.  What’s worse is the slide I’m on seems to keep on going into some dark, dank, abyss.  It was a fun slide, at first, but I’m ready to get off it now.  Too many ups and massive drop-offs seem to be making me a bit sick.

I tell myself quite frequently, “I just want normalcy.”  When I then ask myself to define “normalcy” silly me just can’t seem to do that.  It becomes hard to want something you can’t define. Maybe what I’m in is “normalcy.”  My “normalcy.”  But, I don’t like my “normalcy” and I want something different.  Well, what do I want?  I don’t know. World peace?

I don’t know, y’all.  This whole being a human thing sure isn’t a lot of fun.  It’s hard, and I have little piddly problems that I don’t even like to call problems.  I can’t imagine if I really had problems.  Guess I better not try.  I’m 37 (almost) and I’m finally realizing what life is hard, is really.  Actually, I’ve kinda known it for almost a year, either way, I’m glad it’s not the only thing I have to look forward to.

Finally 

Look at me, rambling on about much ado about nothing.  One thing that makes me happy is this blog, these ever-changing thoughts of mine.  I’m goaling to be here more often.  Two, maybe three times a week for now so I’ll see ya around.  Don’t forget to catch me on Twitter or Facebook.

Until next time.

Because of HIM

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Image by principia aesthetica via Flickr

In this game called life I can count the number of times I have been ahead, on just 1 finger.  I don’t think I’d need the whole finger at that.

My defense has been on the field for longer than I can remember.  Battered, bruised, and getting broken, always taking the brunt of the assault, but never catching that break.  That one play.

Where is that one play?  The one that gets the 3rd out, catches the interception or grabs the rebound.  The play that allows the defense a chance to catch a breath of air.  Mend the wounded.  Toss the old play-book and write a new.

It’s taking a beating but still trying to stand strong.  But how long can it continue?  How long before the grumbling starts?  Wait.  What is that sound?  I think grumbling is starting.

It’s that play-book that’s causing the trouble.  Always trying to defend the pass and getting beat by the run.  Defending the run, when it shoulda been a pass.  My defense is just out of sync. Who’s coaching this defense anyway?

Wait.  That would be me.  Not that it’s just me.  I do have one higher that I consult.  Am I not running the plays he’s calling?  Am I consulting and not listening?  That wouldn’t be any good.

The end of the first half is near.  That may be the only time to regroup.  Time for review.  Time to talk to the Counselor and see where I’m failing.  Time to rally the players.

We will be starting the second half on defense.  Time for 3 up and 3 down.  Three and out.  Get the tall man under the goal.

Get me some offense!  Hear my battle cry!

Because of HIM

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Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

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I’m really getting aggravated at myself.  I’m getting aggravated at the voices in my head that shouldn’t be there.  No, not like wacky or anything.  Just, it seems at the most inconvenient times a thought will go through my head and seem to deflate me for hours.

That’s when those voices (thoughts) start pressing and won’t let me stop thinking about whatever is causing me grief.  I pray and I try to let it go, let God have those thoughts, but they come back quickly and the anger or whatever negative emotion happens to be associated with them, returns in full force.  Maybe even worse than before.

It’s not long before those thoughts start me spiraling into a pit that takes the entire day to get out of.  Darkness everywhere.  I see the light but it’s as if every ounce of me tries to avoid it.  Or the light is like a spotlight that is swiveling  in every direction and no pattern to follow.

So, why is it so difficult to take those thoughts captive?  No, I don’t think you can answer that for me unless you have a couch I can lay on while you drill me with questions.  But, you might have some insight.

Then after you give me the advice, why is it so difficult to put that advice into practice?

Again, one second I’ll be all gung ho and ready to run with whatever advice comes my way.  I’ll have thoughts of “I need to do such and such.”  I plan it all out in my head, then nothing happens.

The advice goes by the wayside.  The need to do ends up in file 13.  If I do start something new, successfully, I will be lucky to do it for more than a month.

It’s like, the newness wears off and I don’t see the benefits or positives as I did before. So, I quit.   Sometime abruptly.  Sometimes it will be a day or two and then I’ll remember how good it felt and I’ll do it more, but inevitably, I’ll stop.

Why is it so difficult to change? Is all of this just part of the recovery process?  Is this who I am?  Is this who I’m going to be?  Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?

It makes me feel fake.  I don’t think I am, but you should see or hear some of the silliness that goes on inside this head of mine.    I just want to be real.  I want to be normal.

Why is it so difficult?

Because of HIM

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“I’m going to move forward with the crazy thought that I’ve had in my head of becoming a professional counselor.” – me

“Making action more of a necessity.” – me (in reference to fixing past mistakes)

“This may not be a milestone but on February 25th I am going to give up another vice of mine.  Smoking. ” – me

“I’m wanting to do it to fill a hunger.” – yep, me

Look at all those “things I’m gonna do” items up there that I have written about in the past. Many of them were items that I felt God was wanting me to do.  Do you know how many of them I have done?  I’ll give you a hint, it’s a round number.

When I wrote those things in my posts, I was as sure of doing those as one could be. Today as I look back and think about each one individually, I still have a “want” to do those things.  It’s just that the deep emotional ties to each seems to have dissipated.

Where does that tie go?  Were they really ideas set in motion by God, or some crazy notion that my mind had come up with on it’s own?  Is there a set amount of time that we have to act on ideas before they become reality?

When I wrote them, I wasn’t writing them to be self-righteous, or to seem bigger than I really am.  I wasn’t writing them to get an atta boy from you guys.  I felt very strongly about each one.  I felt a need to accomplish each one.

Am I lazy?  Am I being led astray by thoughts, not of God, but of man?  I’m confused, for sure.  It’s this area in my life that brings back memories of the old drunken me that would say I was going to do something, then not even think about it any more.

Needless to say, Iwill be praying for direction and clarity. I would like your prayers as well, as I go about questioning along my way.

Because of HIM

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Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it – unknown

Image by kevindooley via Flickr

Why do we hate change?  OK, maybe not everybody hates change. I don’t hate change, most of the time. Let me repeat that, I don’t hate change, some of the time.

Technology Changes

A tweet or two or several sparked this from a thought to a full blown post.  The tweets were pertaining to the new Facebook that is set to roll out soon.  Yes, there are some changes with the NEW Facebook.  Unbelievable right?  This isn’t the first time Facebook has done this and we whined about “Oh how horrible the changes are.  I’ll never be able to use it. EVER!”

Work Changes

In my line of work I see changes all the time.  One in particular has to do with a client changing from one software package to another.  Everyone HATED it.  Some users were scared.  Some were intimidated.  In the end though, most hated it.  To be fair, well, I’ll not get into that.  Talking to some before it happened and just saying the word “changing” would send them running off pulling out their hair.  They just didn’t want to do it.

Junk Food Changes

Way back in 1985 when Coke changed the recipe for the soft drink Coca-Cola it was a catastrophe on so many levels.  We hated the change so much that soon after it’s release, very soon after (3 months according to Wikipedia), the old recipe was back in the new soft drink, Coca-Cola Classic.  This change was good..well, the change back was good.  At any rate, we said yuck, don’t change it!  So they didn’t in the end.

Other Changes

We don’t even like change in the form of…change.  Pennies.  We don’t want the pennies anymore.  Which kinda goes against everything I’ve been writing about.  Seeing how in order to lose some loose change would require changing.

I’m not even gonna talk about the crazy climate CHANGE that we all some folks fear.  So, we are going to change that back to what it was, somehow.  We are going to fight that change.  I’m thinking, good luck with that. Doesn’t really matter anyway.  It’s gonna get really really really really hot here one day..just all of a sudden Fight that one.  Good thing I wasn’t going to talk about it.

Anyway, I’m sure there are countless other scenarios running through your head.  I’m curious to hear some if you don’t mind sharing.  It’s intriguing to me all of a sudden.

Why is it intriguing?  One sentence.

Having determined that we just don’t like change, why or how in the world did a man win the presidency on one of the words Americans hate the most? Change.

Because of HIM
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Aggravation is setting in.  My insurance company Blue Cross/Blue Shield, seemed it was necessary to deny my Dr.’s request for an MRI on my back.  I’m not sure what the reason is, but my only guess is…because they can.

What a racket this “insurance” is.  I’m sure they have to watch out for their money just like the rest of us, but it’s not like I’m at the Dr.’s office everyday with something new wrong, spending their money that I’ve given them.

So, now I’ve got to go see a specialist on Wednesday.  I’m sure he is going to want an MRI as well.  So, this issue is going to cost them more than it would have had they just said OK to the MRI.  The evil part of me hopes that this trip costs them twice the money it would have.  I know, that’s what makes everyone else’s insurance go up.  They won’t be losing any money and I’m sure they will more than make up for it within 30 minutes, but still, how aggravating.

Also, with this pain creeps in depression.  I’m not a big fan of depression either.  It’s no fun lying around the house, or sitting, or whatever position feels good at the moment, without being able to really think about anything but pain and how long it’s going to take it to become annoying enough that I have to change positions. (WHEW!)

Worried about being able to do my job, or actually not being able to do my job.  Sure don’t need to be losing that right now.  I could go in but it is really hard to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes at a time.

I can take pain pills but the ones that work, knock me out and I sleep most of my day away.  So, I wake up.  Half the day gone and still in pain.  Enter more depression.

Sure, an MRI wouldn’t have resolved any of this.  But surely it would have given the Dr’s more direction on what to do to fix the problem and maybe, just maybe, given them a better idea on how to alleviate the pain.  Then I could get back to normalcy.  Studying, reading, writing.  I miss all of that.

Anyway.  That’s enough rambling.  I’ve exhausted my thoughts for now.  Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

Shame on you Insurance Companies.

Because of HIM

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