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This post has some really bad news and some potentially really good news.  I’m hoping you’ll think about the good more than the bad.  I’ll start off with the bad.

The bad news.

I’m not going to say much about it because, well, I can’t do anything about it and I don’t want any kind of repercussions from it.  So, here is the bad news…quickly.

Some of you know, most of you don’t.  Thirteen days after my surgery, the boss at work wanted to meet with me.  After 11 years of service, through some good times and through some not so good times, I was informed that I was not going to be going back to work for my, well, previous employer now.  Yeah, I was fired.  Wasn’t happy.  Still ain’t and for so many reasons.  They were nice enough to continue my insurance and disability until March.

Not sure what’s going to happen come March.  Especially seeing that I’m not well enough to work yet.  And still having tests etc.  But, it’s going to be just fine.  I’ve complete faith in God.

The good news.

I’ve written several posts about going back to school and getting my education in Bible or ministry and also being a counselor.  That word, ministry, is such a broad area that I can’t pinpoint which direction I’m going to be going, but I’m really feeling lead to be in the pulpit.

I’ve mentioned taking online courses at Liberty University and I got pretty far into that process, but with my back being the way it is, I put it on the back burner on simmer.  Well, there is a good possibility that I’ll be taking it completely off the stove after tomorrow.

This past week I went to the church offices and had a good long let-it-out session.  By the end of the session we had pretty much determined that this was just God’s way of closing one door and opening a window, somewhere.  I had thought that myself and to hear him say it only made it even more real, if you know what I mean.

I thought my next step might be to get a job and that’s not necessarily so.  I had to decide what I was/wanted to do.  Since it’s been on my heart for so long, getting into ministry is what I want to do.  Education will be my first major step and there is no better time like the present.  That’s what I’m praying for anway.

After the decision was made, my minister since then has made some phone calls and we have a meeting for 9:30 tomorrow morning with an adviser, maybe a professor at David Lipscomb University in Nashville.  Then, we’ll just see where God leads me from there.

I do have some things going through my head as far as income goes.  Got insurance to worry about and that sort of thing.  And of course, there is the whole issue with the back that’s ongoing (no word on an MRI yet).  But, tomorrow, the meeting is my first step and a huge leap of faith.  I couldn’t be more excited.

Because of HIM

SC

I’m really getting aggravated at myself.  I’m getting aggravated at the voices in my head that shouldn’t be there.  No, not like wacky or anything.  Just, it seems at the most inconvenient times a thought will go through my head and seem to deflate me for hours.

That’s when those voices (thoughts) start pressing and won’t let me stop thinking about whatever is causing me grief.  I pray and I try to let it go, let God have those thoughts, but they come back quickly and the anger or whatever negative emotion happens to be associated with them, returns in full force.  Maybe even worse than before.

It’s not long before those thoughts start me spiraling into a pit that takes the entire day to get out of.  Darkness everywhere.  I see the light but it’s as if every ounce of me tries to avoid it.  Or the light is like a spotlight that is swiveling  in every direction and no pattern to follow.

So, why is it so difficult to take those thoughts captive?  No, I don’t think you can answer that for me unless you have a couch I can lay on while you drill me with questions.  But, you might have some insight.

Then after you give me the advice, why is it so difficult to put that advice into practice?

Again, one second I’ll be all gung ho and ready to run with whatever advice comes my way.  I’ll have thoughts of “I need to do such and such.”  I plan it all out in my head, then nothing happens.

The advice goes by the wayside.  The need to do ends up in file 13.  If I do start something new, successfully, I will be lucky to do it for more than a month.

It’s like, the newness wears off and I don’t see the benefits or positives as I did before. So, I quit.   Sometime abruptly.  Sometimes it will be a day or two and then I’ll remember how good it felt and I’ll do it more, but inevitably, I’ll stop.

Why is it so difficult to change? Is all of this just part of the recovery process?  Is this who I am?  Is this who I’m going to be?  Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?

It makes me feel fake.  I don’t think I am, but you should see or hear some of the silliness that goes on inside this head of mine.    I just want to be real.  I want to be normal.

Why is it so difficult?

Because of HIM

SC

I may have wrote about this in the past.  If I have, I don’t remember it, nor can I find it.  How horrible is that?

Anyway, I have all this wonderful growth, love, life, news of what all God has done for me.  The beautiful account of how I couldn’t have any of that had Jesus not died for me. 

The story of God pulling me from the grips of death to a life full of joy and peace and love.  I want to tell everyone that I come across this story.  I want everyone to know that they too can have this as well if they don’t already have it.

I want to get out, and just spread the news of Jesus.  I want to find the lost souls and tell them that I would love to have a new brother or sister.  I want them to know that if they think that right now, without Jesus, they have a great life, just how much greater it is with him in it, in control of it. 

I’ve been thinking about this for quite sometime, and ya know what?  I don’t know how.

It boggles my mind that I have no idea where to start. 

Should I not worry about where to start and just let the spirit guide me to the starting place?

I want to know how you do it.  I need some guidance from those with experience.

Is there a method that you use?  Does it just happen?  Is there a certain place that you go when  you seek to save the lost?

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  Promise me you won’t .  I’m not looking for answers such as just pray about it or the guidance is in His word.  I get that.  Hmm.. Or do I? 

See, it seems like it should  be so easy, so second nature, so first nature maybe.

If you’ve got questions, let me know.  I’ll see if I can help you help me.

Because of HIM

SC