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Been a while.  Have had a lot of struggles.  Seems like I’ve been battling depression for 3 years, and it’s still going.  Though I’m having more good days than bad.  Still sober and it’s still not easy cheesy.  Still battling the back pain, but just recently found a ton of relief.

A few months ago the doc and I changed the meds that I was taking for depression, at my request.  I didn’t feel like the old meds, which I had been taking for at least 10 years,  were working as well.  It took a while to find something that I felt was working.  If you decide to do something like that, to change your anti-depressant, just watch out because while you’re getting used to the new medicine, depression gets pretty weighty.

Still sober and in February it’ll be 4 years.  Seems like it’s been a lot longer than that.  Staying sober is something I’ll have to continue to work at for a while longer.

In the early days I remember hearing just that, that it’s a life-long process.  I didn’t really understand what that meant exactly.  During some of my worst depression days is when I have more thoughts of “just going out this one time and grabbing a six pack” because “I just want to feel better right now.”  Thankfully I have tools and a mindset to not act on those thoughts.

Still have a “taste” that won’t go away.  It’s the same taste I used to get when I would be at work or out somewhere and unable to drink but it wasn’t long before I could.  Have that taste right now actually.  That’s pretty tough to deal with, too.

I guess I say all of that to let anyone who’s just started their sobriety know how things progress.  Realize though that not everyone is exactly the same in their sobriety.  I hope it’s easier for you.

I found pain relief for my back about 3 months ago during an office visit with my PCP.  I was asking about getting an MRI on the thoracic area of my back since no one has EVER ordered that procedure for me.  Yeah, ever.  The reason I can’t get that MRI is usually, “no one has problems in that area of the back usually.”  Very frustrating to say the least.

Anyway, during that visit the doc asked if I had had a steroid shot at the spot where it hurts.  I hadn’t.  I had had a shot in my neck a few years ago which didn’t do anything.  Know why?  Because the pain isn’t or hasn’t been in my neck!  Which is what I’ve been trying to tell every doctor that I’ve seen since I started this mess.  He gave me a steroid shot right where I told him it was hurting.  I was very nervous about having a shot in my back.  I don’t like having shots in my butt much less my back!  Fortunately, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it because he did it that visit.

The shot had 3 different meds in it.  A long lasting steroid, a fast acting steroid, and lidocaine to numb the area.  The relief was immediate!   The reason it was so fast was the lidocaine, but whatever.  I’ll take it.  The pain did come back after the lidocaine wore off but in a day or two I had little to no pain.

I’ve had 2 of those shots (one a month) and can have one more (this Wednesday).  In six months we can go back to one a month, for 3 months.  I’m not sure if they are the epidural type shots or not. I think so because once he gets so deep I can feel something back there hitting right on the spot in a sort of “OW…..ahhhh” kind of moment.

I’ll stop there for now. I’ve been wanting to get back to writing again for so long.  Often I would just lose the urge or wouldn’t know what to write about.  I hope to not be such a stranger and get back to writing again.  I really enjoy it.

Because of Him,

sc

I’ve experienced a lot of weekends in my life.  This past one was quite possibly the worst one in my 37 years.  So much pain. 

Hoping I never have one like it again.

SC

Hey. Thanks for stopping by. While you’re here I just want to take a second to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you, nor the blog, and try to give the best excuse I know.

I’ve reached another of those points in life where I’m feeling a bit like I’m here just to exist. Nothing really exciting happening. Nothing much good happening, or that’s what my mind wants me to think anyway. I have a tendency to give into my mind a lot.

I was having a tweetersation the other day and told them that I feel like I’m Bill Murray in the movie “Groundhog Day.” Now, if you’ve seen the movie you probably understand. If you haven’t, you should see it. It’s a pretty good movie.

To put it simply, everyday I wake up seems to go just like the day before. Like I’m living the same day over and over and over. The routine is the same. The emotions and feelings are the same. Life seems to revolve around the pain in my neck, literal pain in my case.

I’ve not told you that the results of my myelogram was 3 more bulging discs in my neck. I made a trip to the Dr last week to get a steroid shot in area of the bulges but due to there being a plate in my neck from a previous surgery, the shot was aborted. He wasn’t going to be able to see via the fluroscope where his needle would be going and that would just be problematic.

So, anyway. I’m here. The blog isn’t going anywhere, meaning I’m not going to shut it down or anything. I still want to write but at this point I don’t have a lot to say that hasn’t already been said. Once I get this pain figured out or figure out a way to deal with it I hope to be back here in full swing. Until then I’ll just be updating on occasion. I am still reading your blogs (if you’ve shared them with me) so I’m still around.

Until next time, God Bless.
SC

The myelogram and CT Scan went off without a hitch on Monday.  I’ve not heard any results as of this writing, but I have left a message with the Dr.’s office to call me back with the results.

The procedure was, well, different.  It wasn’t necessarily a painful procedure, but the couple of days after have been less than desirable.  I say “that painful” because it was a bit uncomfortable.  I mean, I had someone poking a needle in my back and pushing some foreign liquid into my spine.  Not the most friendly thing I could have had done.

The Procedure-Pre-Op

Like they always do, I had to have some blood taken.  I made the mistake of letting the nurse know that it was my birthday and that she better take it easy on me.  I’ll keep my mouth shut one day.

After I had told her this, she yelled across the room to another nurse, “Bring me a butterfly, please!”  Not knowing what a “butterfly” was in nursing terms, I asked.  She, not so quietly said, “It’s a little baby needle.”

Great.  Now the whole world, or the part of the world that was in that area, knew I was a wimp.  But I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt, at all!  I may have to tell the next person to want my blood that it’s my birthday.

Of course, the nurses were extra nice. We laughed and cut-up.  No pun intended.  My “clowning around” personality came through I guess.

The Procedure – Conflict

The next stop was the X-ray room.  Considering I kind of knew what was about to happen, I still wasn’t all that worried or nervous, which worries me and makes me nervous.

The first item up for business was the explanation of the process and where they were going to be focusing the tests.  My cervical spine, aka the neck, is the only location they were going to be scanning.

This bothered me because I just don’t think the problem is in my neck.  I think it’s lower down, in my thoracic area.  We talked for a few minutes, I almost put the process off, the X-ray Tech called the Dr’s office to confirm that this is what he was waning, it was, so I did.

The Procedure

They had me lie down on the x-ray table, face down and they had these should rests that I had to make sure my shoulders were firmly placed against.  Why?  I’ll tell you shortly.

Some dude in a white coat then comes in to do the poking.  He told me that I needed to lie still and that I was going to feel a sting.  These guys amaze me.  He was right to a certain extent.  I wouldn’t so much call it a sting though.  Stings, sting.  This kind of hurt pretty bad.

He was just applying the anesthetic.  Now, I’m not sure what the difference would have been had he not done this.  I’m thinking he has to use a needle in both instances so why not just do the do once?

Either way, he then told me I would feel pressure.  Spot on.  I then may feel some tingling and some discomfort in my legs, head and pressure in my ears.  Pretty much spot on.  Pretty much. As quickly as he came, he was done and the dye was in.

Now, they were going to be scanning my neck but they stuck the needle and inserted the dye in my lower back.  “How does that work?” you say.  Remember the shoulder rests?

It was at this point that they tilted the table so that I was head down which allowed the dye to run from the lower back to my neck.  Turns out it’s easier to insert things into the spine from the lower back.  The vertebrae aren’t as close together down there.

I could feel the dye running up my back and it was at the point it reached my shoulder area that the majority of the pain I experienced happened.  It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin that spread out to both of my shoulders.  No, I don’t know how that actually feels but I have an idea now.  I thought maybe that was where the problem was with my back.  Maybe it had leaked out and they would see the actually problem causing so much pain.  I didn’t like this part at all and they didn’t seem too concerned, so I quit crying.

The rest of the process was pretty dull.  They took a few x-rays while I was in there.  Moved me to various positions.  No big deal.

Next was a log-roll onto a gurney where I went for a ride to get the CT scan.  I log-rolled to that table, some scans done, and then I was in the recovery room for the next hour, I was told it would be an hour anyway.

The Procedure – Post-Op

Fourty-five minutes later, I was laying in the recovery room on a table that was inclined to get the dye to again move back down to my neck.  They had to perform another scan.

What does this mean?  Why are they doing ANOTHER scan?  I’m not sure.  My thoughts were that they found something and needed to get another look.  Or maybe I moved and they didn’t get a good scan the first time.  I’m sticking with the first thought.

The recovery at home was worse than the actual process.  A lot of discomfort in my lower back and it’s taken a couple of days now to get back to some sort of comfort level.

Anyway, not sure what the tests will show.  I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Conclusion

If you are ever told that you will need the procedure, don’t worry about it.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Because of HIM

SC

Tomorrow (Monday, 4/26/2010) I’ll be a little bit older.  I’ll be 37 years in the making, though not real sure about 37 years the wiser.  For the record, I know I get a little bit older every day, every instance actually.  Not sure why birthdays make us feel that much older.  I guess because it actually goes on record.  But, I’m rambling now.

Scheduled Test

Tomorrow I also go in for my myelogram (See Taking Another Test).  Pretty excited about that.  If this test finds something definitive that would be a pretty good birthday present.  At this point in my life that’s just about the only thing I really want.  The test is at 10am.  No coffee for me in the morning.

Finishing Up

Well, I’m a bit surprised at how few thoughts I’ve had recently.  Makes for an uninteresting blog entry huh?  But, it is what it is.  If I can ever get me well, maybe my brain can start working again. Until then, I just wanted to give you guys an update.  Appreciate any prayers for the test, for life actually.

Because of HIM,

SC

Had my monthly visit with the pain management doctor today.  I love
traveling around this time of year even on those short 45 minute trips.

The weather was perfect.  Perfect for driving with the windows rolled down.  Well, except for the allergens in the air.  They kind of got too me on the way back.  Even in pain, it was a nice drive.

The visit was pretty normal.  Trying different combinations of medicine in hopes of getting rid of one of the two I’m having to use.  We haven’t had much luck the last few months.  It seems only one combination/strength manages the pain, and even then it’s not perfect.

After surgery, it really is a drag to have to continue to battle this pest.  It was a drag before surgery, don’t get me wrong, but I just had hopes that don’t seem to be realities.  Add to this the fact that my insurance will end at the end of May and the medicines are so expensive without insurance, I just keep getting dragged and dragged.  But, I’ll make it through it.

I am going to have another test soon.  At least before I lose insurance.  They are going to setup a procedure called a myelogram at my request.  Something is wrong back there in my back.

They tell me they don’t see anything wrong, but I can feel something wrong.  So, maybe this test will show something, anything, another option that can be fixed so I can reach my ultimate goal of being pain free and taking zero medication.

It’s going to take a couple of days for them to get back to me, but at least there is another option.  If this doesn’t show anything then I guess the pain is all in my head.  But, I don’t have many headaches.

Because of HIM,

SC

Ever had a dream while you were sleeping?

Kidding.

A couple of nights ago I had one of those dreams that is sticking with me and I for the life of me don’t know why THIS dream is. If it was something spectacular I could understand.  But this one?  This is for all of you dream interpreters.  What do you think it means?

Opening Statement

In starting up my business, I’ve been going around to several small businesses and introducing myself and my company to them, handing a business card, and talking to those who wanted to continue the conversation.  I’ve also been trying to dress the way I want the business to look.  Slacks, button-up shirt and a tie.  Professional.  I’ve always liked wearing ties and I guess it’s because they make me feel good.  Best I can come up with.

The Dream

I can’t remember a lot of the dream, but it’s enough.  In my dream I was on one of those business ventures and I had someone filming me as I did my introduction and such.  I don’t know this for a fact, but it makes sense, I guess I was wanting something to study to see how I could improve these meetings.

When I reviewed the recording, something horrible happened.  Rather, something horrible HAD happened and when I woke up from the dream, I was almost sick to my stomach.  It felt that real.

Anyway, I couldn’t make out my face in the film but the camera moved from in front of me to behind me and the angle was down from a sitting position and I was standing up in front of the camera facing away and toward the client.  I thought it was neat that I couldn’t see myself even in film in the dream.  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen me in my own dreams.  But, that’s not the point.

So I had on this nice white shirt with red stripes, blue slacks, I can’t remember the tie.  I do remember that I thought my hair looked in just the right place.  I looked, professional.  Another thing I had on, apparently, was Strawberry Shortcake underwear, and they must have been way to big for me because they were pulled up to the middle of my back and were very clearly visible through my shirt! 

The thought in my dream occurred to me that everyone that I had “professionally” met that day had seen that very image that you just saw.  I was so embarrassed when I saw it and like I said, when I woke up I was almost sick.  It was a horrible image! 

I do apologize for said image, but why in the world would I dream that and why in the world is it staying with me so easily?  Says something about the thoughts I have while sleeping.

Because of HIM,

SC

I’m sitting here looking at this vast, empty, white space and wondering how in the world am I going to make my specTABulous re-entry into The Ever-Changing Thought.  After 2 months, I’m not even sure I can get back into my thoughts enough to be able to share the way I have in the past, not to mention not having the ability to write any longer.  I do miss it so I’ll just have to do the best that I can do.  Oh, and it’s probably not specTABulous either. 

The Quick Catch Up

Since February 7th, has a lot happened?  Not really.  The back still hurts and pain meds are a must.  I’ve had another MRI on my thoracic spine because the pain is still so bad.  Nothing showed up on the MRI so I’m not sure what the next step is.  The surgeon wanted me to do physical therapy, but I did 20 visits of that last year for the same issue and I’m not too excited about jumping into that, considering it didn’t help a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a myelogram.  Who knows.

I’ve celebrated year number 2 of my sobriety.  That was on February 25th.  I didn’t really do anything to celebrate it, but still very proud of this mark on my path.

Because the pain is still as persistent as it is, I don’t see me being able to hold down a normal 9 to 5 job.  I’m also putting going back to school off for another year.  I’m having too many bad days.  So, I’ve started my own business working out of my home, doing the same thing I’ve done for 16 years. 

I started Allistin Technologies as an IT consulting and support company for home and small to medium businesses.  Network support, computer support, installing, whatever needs to be done, whatever configuration of the network, I’m going to be offering support for whomever for those areas. i do have a Facebook fanpage, if you’re interested in becoming a fan, and also a website, that needs a bit of work.

Business is slow, still, but I’ve only advertised for 2 weeks.  I have been to several business’s handing out cards.  I think it’s going to be fine.  I hope.

I took my daughter to get her driving permit today.  She was very excited and she passed, only missing two of the questions.  I did let her drive my truck for a little while today.  She did very good and yes, I was a little nervous, but we made it through it just fine.  Just can’t believe it got here so quickly.

Things Aren’t What They Seemed

I may have shared this in the past, can’t remember.  Life just isn’t going the way I thought it was going to go when I was younger.  Not even close.  And that’s kind of bumming me out a bit.  It’s a heavy weight that’s keeping me down a little bit I think. 

I know, I have the choice to make my life the way I want it to be, there’s nothing I can’t do, make the best with what I’ve got. I know all of those words, it’s the actions, the “how-to’s” that I am really struggling with.  What’s worse is the slide I’m on seems to keep on going into some dark, dank, abyss.  It was a fun slide, at first, but I’m ready to get off it now.  Too many ups and massive drop-offs seem to be making me a bit sick.

I tell myself quite frequently, “I just want normalcy.”  When I then ask myself to define “normalcy” silly me just can’t seem to do that.  It becomes hard to want something you can’t define. Maybe what I’m in is “normalcy.”  My “normalcy.”  But, I don’t like my “normalcy” and I want something different.  Well, what do I want?  I don’t know. World peace?

I don’t know, y’all.  This whole being a human thing sure isn’t a lot of fun.  It’s hard, and I have little piddly problems that I don’t even like to call problems.  I can’t imagine if I really had problems.  Guess I better not try.  I’m 37 (almost) and I’m finally realizing what life is hard, is really.  Actually, I’ve kinda known it for almost a year, either way, I’m glad it’s not the only thing I have to look forward to.

Finally 

Look at me, rambling on about much ado about nothing.  One thing that makes me happy is this blog, these ever-changing thoughts of mine.  I’m goaling to be here more often.  Two, maybe three times a week for now so I’ll see ya around.  Don’t forget to catch me on Twitter or Facebook.

Until next time.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by my_new_wintercoat via Flickr

This post has some really bad news and some potentially really good news.  I’m hoping you’ll think about the good more than the bad.  I’ll start off with the bad.

The bad news.

I’m not going to say much about it because, well, I can’t do anything about it and I don’t want any kind of repercussions from it.  So, here is the bad news…quickly.

Some of you know, most of you don’t.  Thirteen days after my surgery, the boss at work wanted to meet with me.  After 11 years of service, through some good times and through some not so good times, I was informed that I was not going to be going back to work for my, well, previous employer now.  Yeah, I was fired.  Wasn’t happy.  Still ain’t and for so many reasons.  They were nice enough to continue my insurance and disability until March.

Not sure what’s going to happen come March.  Especially seeing that I’m not well enough to work yet.  And still having tests etc.  But, it’s going to be just fine.  I’ve complete faith in God.

The good news.

I’ve written several posts about going back to school and getting my education in Bible or ministry and also being a counselor.  That word, ministry, is such a broad area that I can’t pinpoint which direction I’m going to be going, but I’m really feeling lead to be in the pulpit.

I’ve mentioned taking online courses at Liberty University and I got pretty far into that process, but with my back being the way it is, I put it on the back burner on simmer.  Well, there is a good possibility that I’ll be taking it completely off the stove after tomorrow.

This past week I went to the church offices and had a good long let-it-out session.  By the end of the session we had pretty much determined that this was just God’s way of closing one door and opening a window, somewhere.  I had thought that myself and to hear him say it only made it even more real, if you know what I mean.

I thought my next step might be to get a job and that’s not necessarily so.  I had to decide what I was/wanted to do.  Since it’s been on my heart for so long, getting into ministry is what I want to do.  Education will be my first major step and there is no better time like the present.  That’s what I’m praying for anway.

After the decision was made, my minister since then has made some phone calls and we have a meeting for 9:30 tomorrow morning with an adviser, maybe a professor at David Lipscomb University in Nashville.  Then, we’ll just see where God leads me from there.

I do have some things going through my head as far as income goes.  Got insurance to worry about and that sort of thing.  And of course, there is the whole issue with the back that’s ongoing (no word on an MRI yet).  But, tomorrow, the meeting is my first step and a huge leap of faith.  I couldn’t be more excited.

Because of HIM

SC

I can’t do a lot to help folks these days, but I did run across a buddies tweet and then read his blog and found a way that I could help, and did.  I’m helping not just one person, but many in a country, India, where the Word needs and is being spread.

Basically all they are requesting is a donation of $1 to purchase a netbook for a pastor in India.  Rather than me repeating what Brad and Shawn have said, just go visit  Brad’s blog or go directly to Shawnw’s blog who has more information on the mission in India.

I’ve also included a way you can go and directly ChipIn if you want.

God bless you.

Because of HIM

SC