Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Remember the last time you went to a car lot to purchase your next vehicle.  You searched the lot over and over until you found the car that was perfect for you.  After many lots and many salesmen, you finally see it out of the corner of your eye.

It seems to be sitting all by itself in the lot.  There isn’t another one like it around.  Staring at the headlights, it seems to be enticing you over.  Begging you to come take a look.

As you approach the vehicle, you know this is the right one for you. Only you can own this.  The closer you get, the more imagery forms in your mind.  You’ve already pictured yourself sitting in the front seat.  My, how good you would look sitting there.  

You get closer and the imagery keeps going.  You imagine yourself, in your one-of-a-kind vehicle driving through town.  All the folks are turning their heads, admiring your new found luxury.  You just know they are envious, and though it is wrong, it makes you happy.  Makes you feel important.  Kinda, puffs out your chest a bit.

The salesman approaches, sees your dreamy state and he knows he’s got a sale.  You make an offer and after much haggling (or not much..depends) she is yours.  

After the sale and before you drive it off the lot, you sit in the front seat and take one more trip down dreamy lane.  THIS is going to be AWESOME! “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in a vehicle…ever!” you exclaim to yourself.  

You turn the key and hear the motor purr.  Turn the radio on your favorite station.  Put it in drive and ease towards the road.  You pull out onto the road and out of the dream.  It is at that time that it seems every car you pass looks EXACTLY like the one you just purchased!  Same color, same wheels, same everything.  I hate that, don’t you!

Life is a bit like that, except you don’t have to hate it.  No matter what you’ve done, I guarantee you are not the first one to have done it.  

Personally, when have a problem that I think no one else could possibly have, the hardest part is making the sale to myself.  After all the haggling and when I finally buy into this notion that I have a problem, it seems there is someone around every corner that has or has had the same issue.  

Someone is there saying “I got your back” simply by extending a chip that they received from an AA meeting.  Someone is saying, “I quit smoking x years ago. I’m here if you need anything.” Someone saying “I know the struggle that you are facing” and then, I’m not alone any more.  

I’m glad I’m not driving through this life, with all it’s problems, in a vehicle that no one else has.

Because of HIM

SC

This is the fourth and final part of this series. You can go here to see part 1 and here to see part 2 and here to see part 3

Image via Wikipedia

I said in my previous post that I finally started to get IT.  IT being “Family of God.”  The church was going to be my place of refuge.  The

place where, as a family, I was going to “get my AA.”  After all, the church is where I was going to go and be able to talk to whomever about whatever problems were ailing me.

I mean, that is what the “Family of

God” is there for, right?

Well, I guess I’m thinking that I’m not getting the same results from the Church as I would/could be getting from attending an A.A. meeting.  For one, on Sunday mornings there are so many “strangers” in our midst, you know, the family members that you only see once a week, that it’s hard to get comfortable enough to say some things that need to be said.

The Sunday morning/Sunday night/Wednesday night members, the ones that I see at each worships service, are the family members.  I feel that even with some of those brothers and sisters I can’t be comfortable talking for fear of being considered “a Sinner” or “no faith.”

So, for those reasons, it’s hard to get everything that I need from the Church.  There may be others that I’m not thinking about. I know there are some of you that I attend church with.  This is not meant to be a roast and nothing has happened to me personally that has caused these thoughts.  They are just my thoughts, period.

There are exceptions to the rules.  There are Brothers and Sisters that I can talk to comfortably.  And that is great.  I’m sure that a lot of this is just mental because it’s just not something that we do in the Church.  I’m also not blaming anyone but myself for this.  But can I change anything?

I’ve made the statement to some about how the church should be the place we also call Sinners Un-Anonymous.  I or anyone else should be as comfortable in the walls of the church building as I am in the walls of an AA meeting.  Because, regardless of what some think (and no this is just a general statement) just because I’m an alcoholic in recovery, I am no better or worse than ANYONE else in the room.  I should be comfortable enough to state that in any setting and also to use that to make others in attendance feel comfortable being there and being able to talk to me…whew.

Off my soapbox.  Sorry about that.  I got a little bit way off topic.

I don’t think I’ve answered the question, why don’t I go back to AA meetings?  Well, I still have faith that soon I will be in the company of my Brothers and Sisters and I WILL be able to get and give everything necessary to fight the demons of my world and your world, from inside the walls of the church building.  I can also get coffee, candy, and conversation from church as well.

Well, I’m expecting questions.  I think I have helped myself with these 4 posts and maybe I’ve helped you as well.  At the same time, I feel I’ve left a lot of questions unanswered.  That is where you come in.  Please, if you have any questions, please ask.  Who knows, it could be YOUR question + my answer that helps the next pair of eyes that read this.

Hope I didn’t rant and rave to much for ya.  Thanks for reading!

Because of HIM

SC

I’m really liking The-One Minute Writer blog, but sometimes I just can’t write for just a minute.  For something that requires little writing, it sure brings up a lot of words.  Today’s prompt is Write about an item you own that isn’t worth much money but has great value to you. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to share this with you and I’m sure it will take more than a minute.

THE SETUP

But first, I need you to go back with me.  Back to probably March 1, 2008.  Close your eyes…wait…that won’t work.  Aw, just read on….

Today was probably the actual first day of rest of my life.  I had been in rehab since Feb 25th, but never…clear headed.

“Why Scott?”

THE STORY

Well, one of the first things they do when checking in, after getting poked and prodded and squeezed and questioned, is to give you a little blue pill.  This little blue pill is used to keep us relaxed and our nerves down as we start our detox process.  Keeps the blood pressure regulated.  All in all a good thing.

It also has a tendency to make you feel reeaaallllyyyyy good, you just don’t remember feeling reeaaallllyyyy good.  In case your wondering, it’s Valium.

For 5 days they give you one of these pills before each meal.  So, just as one wears off, the other picks up and you go back to that zombie state.  I’m telling ya, you can tell the new arrivals from the ones that have been there for a while.  Just picture a zombie, and there you have the new guy/gal.  Kinda funny picture in my head, but hey, I was one too.  Not poking fun.

So, today was the first day that I wake up and don’t have the luxury of receiving this little blue pill.  The first day where I have to make it without any substance to kick this habit.  Clear headed.  The beginning.

After a normal day of group meetings, night has fallen, and it’s the first chance that I get to leave the campus.  The first day I go on the other side of “the gate.”

I leave the safety zone.

The first day I venture out into the real world.

The first day I taste of life on the “outside.”

The day I enter the danger zone.

No, I don’t go alone.  There is a van load of us.  But still, there was something eerie about leaving that night.

Anyway, we go as a group to AA meetings.  This was my very first AA meeting.

THE MARK

The two images you see below are pictures of the 24 Hour Chip. This is the signal for a desire for a new life for the recovering alcoholic.

Front

Back

This is my mark for my new life.

It’s probably not worth any more than a penny, as you can probably get them for a dime a dozen.

But, to me, it’s more valuable than all the gold in Fort Knox. So don’t offer to buy it.

SC

Well, turns out I guess it wasn’t the flu after all. I mean, I was able to return to work yesterday if for only half a day. But I tell ya. If that wasn’t the flu, it was a close cousin. That first day though, it was just like the flu. But, I digress.

Anyway, somehow during my down time I was able to read most of my daily feeds and comment on a few as well. Again, a good sign it wasn’t the flu because a.) I was able to lift my head enough to actually sit at a computer and b.) I was able to use my brain.

photo by anicephoto

Past Mistakes

Steps four through nine of The 12 I’ve been thinking about, a lot. It was only fitting, I guess, that in my daily reading something would come up about this.  Seems to work that way more often than not.  I choose to chalk that up to God.  So anyway, I read How To Stop Punishing Yourself For The Past over at the Change blog over the past couple of days and it seemed to put the period, or exclamation point, at the end of my thoughts. Making action more of a necessity.

Parts of my past mistakes or wrong doings, keep coming up in brief haunting’s almost daily. Feelings of resentment, embarrassment, anger, stupidity, and others I can’t find the words for, rise up with these past doings.  Fear of an image of my old self that could have been burned in someones mind, that I need to fix, for me.

How Does It Work For Us

These steps are something that I must do for myself and I challenge you to do the same.  These 5 steps are meant for us, not for the one we will be making amends to.  What better way to send a ghost to it’s grave than to destroy the source?  It’s part of forgiving ourselves of our past. These steps are not just me, the recovering alcoholic, but for you as well, the friend of an alcoholic.

I’m sure that even you have THOSE thoughts that, even though you may have forgiven yourself of, still keep coming back for some reason.  If that be the case, has your subconscious mind forgiven yourself of those doings?  Maybe part of the “self” forgiveness is actually seeking forgiveness from those we have harmed.

Difficulties in Application

Granted, people have moved on and may be very difficult to find.  Amends may not be able to be made to some.  Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, will help with those that we can no longer contact.  More specifically, “to another human being”, will help us deal with those we can’t directly make amends to.

It will be up to us to determine just how “safe” this process is.  We aren’t going to want to put ourselves in a situation that could bring harm to us or to another person.  Those will most definitely have to be directed “to another human being.”

Personal Example

Without being too specific, I have a memory from my days in high school.  A friend and myself had just been busted smoking in the boys room. Self preservation kicked in, and also self preserving my car keys and anything else I enjoyed.  I denied the charge, relentlessly, right there in the principle’s office.  Made a big scene, and a big ol’ fool of myself.

I returned home and told my folks what had happened, how I DIDN’T smoke (uh, I did smoke), how wrong the guys was for thinking he caught me, the good son, smoking!  Well just before dad made THE phone call for some reason I caved.  I admitted I indeed smoked, but I was still adamant that I was not caught smoking! Needless to say, dad couldn’t really do anything at that point (and I lost my car keys…thanks mom).  I mean, I smoked.  What else was he to do?

My behavior at school, my behavior towards the person that caught us, has been haunting me very very frequently since that episode happened.  Several times I’ve ran into the one that caught us and I wanted to just say to him that I was sorry for what happened 20 years ago.  Seemed too silly at the time.  Now I know it’s for me, not him.

That’s just one example, as silly or minor as it seemed.  I have more. I just have to write them down and then act.  Don’t expect them all to somehow make their way across this screen, though.  I mean, I do have a private side.

Finally

I’m not an expert in this area by any means.  I’ve never attempted anything like this.  The process is in the AA book (It’s in my list of reading there on the right bar). These steps have worked for millions before me.  I can only assume it will work for us as well.  Remember, you don’t have to be an alcoholic to have these hauntings.

UPDATED 11/22/2008
I’ve had some…second thoughts, I suppose is the best way to put it. What do you think of the idea? Any “gotchas” that maybe I haven’t really fully thought about?