I’m really getting aggravated at myself.  I’m getting aggravated at the voices in my head that shouldn’t be there.  No, not like wacky or anything.  Just, it seems at the most inconvenient times a thought will go through my head and seem to deflate me for hours.

That’s when those voices (thoughts) start pressing and won’t let me stop thinking about whatever is causing me grief.  I pray and I try to let it go, let God have those thoughts, but they come back quickly and the anger or whatever negative emotion happens to be associated with them, returns in full force.  Maybe even worse than before.

It’s not long before those thoughts start me spiraling into a pit that takes the entire day to get out of.  Darkness everywhere.  I see the light but it’s as if every ounce of me tries to avoid it.  Or the light is like a spotlight that is swiveling  in every direction and no pattern to follow.

So, why is it so difficult to take those thoughts captive?  No, I don’t think you can answer that for me unless you have a couch I can lay on while you drill me with questions.  But, you might have some insight.

Then after you give me the advice, why is it so difficult to put that advice into practice?

Again, one second I’ll be all gung ho and ready to run with whatever advice comes my way.  I’ll have thoughts of “I need to do such and such.”  I plan it all out in my head, then nothing happens.

The advice goes by the wayside.  The need to do ends up in file 13.  If I do start something new, successfully, I will be lucky to do it for more than a month.

It’s like, the newness wears off and I don’t see the benefits or positives as I did before. So, I quit.   Sometime abruptly.  Sometimes it will be a day or two and then I’ll remember how good it felt and I’ll do it more, but inevitably, I’ll stop.

Why is it so difficult to change? Is all of this just part of the recovery process?  Is this who I am?  Is this who I’m going to be?  Am I always going to be controlled by my thoughts instead of controlling my thoughts?

It makes me feel fake.  I don’t think I am, but you should see or hear some of the silliness that goes on inside this head of mine.    I just want to be real.  I want to be normal.

Why is it so difficult?

Because of HIM

SC