This is the third and final part of this series.  If you’ve missed the other posts you can catch up starting with A Hit on an Old Thought, A Hit on an Old Thought – Part 2. 

On my own?

As I stated in a prior post, I know I can not stay sober doing this on my own.  “This” being recovery and the lifelong process that is involved.  I have someone that I pass my disease off to everyday.  Who?  The one I trust the most and knows what’s best for any situation I’m in, God. 

When my day is over and I haven’t had a thought of alcohol, I always thank him for taking care of me. 

I feel more comfortable dealing with my disease knowing that He will do more for me than going to AA could do.  In return, I’ve dedicated my life to doing whatever he desires of me.  I’m not perfect at this part of the return, but perfection is only something I strive for. 

Now instead of going around constantly thinking that I am an alcoholic, I can spend my time thinking of how I can be a better Christian. 

My Support Group

I also have a huge support group.  I don’t mind telling folks my struggles so my church family also knows that I am an alcoholic.  They don’t look down on me, well some might still but that’s not my problem. I know the group is there if I ever need to talk to someone, even some that are having to live with and fight alcoholism.  It’s the best support group that a person could have with the best leader there ever was and ever will be.

Conclusion

So, I don’t have to constantly be thinking about me being an alcoholic.  I don’t have to hear the horror stories of life past, nor do I have to think of my personal horror stories.  After all, it’s all in the past and it’s OK to forget about it I think. 

Some will argue against that and I suppose it’s ok.  I’m having the best times of my life and I know it would be so much different if I were still going to AA meetings every night. 

It is so nice to spend my time thinking about my current life, how I can be a better Christian, and continuing to build my relationship with God, Jesus, my kids, myself, and all of my brothers and sisters. 

I was going to say that what is working for me won’t work for everyone but I don’t believe that for a second.  God will help you with any addiction that you are having trouble with.  All it takes is you becoming a slave to God.  But, it’s ok.  No, it’s better than OK, it’s fantabulous!

Because of HIM

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For the first part of this series go visit A Hit on an Old Thought

Let Me Explain

I’ve heard the phrase “You are what you think” and I’m still struggling with whether I believe that or not.  I suppose there is, or can be, a lot of truth to it.  After this three part series I’ll be posting another thought that goes along with that same phrase.  I suppose I’m talking myself into believing it.

Looking back, “You are what you think” is a reason that I am better off out of the rooms than in them.  I don’t know about you, but often my thinking gets me in states of mind that I’d just soon not be in.  While I was in the rooms a common saying that I would hear was “Stinkin thinkin” and the thought was as alcoholics, when we start thinking our alcoholic thoughts, we are just getting that much closer to drinking, again.

But of all the good that came from this “You are what you think” I think more harm (re-reading now and harm may not be the choicest of words) can be done than good.  We introduce ourselves as alcoholics when speaking.  That’s nothing you’ve not heard about or seen on TV.  The stories we tell are centered around alcohol and all of the bad things that it did in our lives.  Even a lot of the private conversations were centered around this same thing.

I was always thinking about my disease.

Therapy

This was very therapeutic, don’t get me wrong.  In it’s basic form it kept me on my toes and also remind me that I’m not alone in my struggle.  It gave me a chance to shine.  It made me feel good about myself.  If not good at least I didn’t feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.

I don’t know how it works.  I don’t know how talking about something that had consumed me for so long helped me to overcome that something.  But, it worked.  It has worked for others for years.  It will continue to work.  And it works in other areas of addiction, it’s not just for alcoholics.

There came a time when I think I just got tired of the therapy. 

Even after hearing all of the horror stories of relapse from those who had quit going to their meetings, quit staying in touch with their sponsors, and struck out on their own doomed for failure because of “stinkin thinkin”, I was ready to move on.  Ready to stop thinking about this demon, alcoholism, all the time.  Ready for a different type of therapy.

Just so you know

I am still aware of several things.  Yes, I’m an alcoholic.  No, I can never forget that.  I don’t have to discuss it constantly to be aware of that.  No, I will not be able stay sober on my own.

Next post I will let you know how I’m doing it.  I’ll fill you in on my current therapy.  If you’ve been around here very long at all, I’m guessing you already have a pretty good idea how.

Because of HIM

SC

I know I’ve written about this, or something very similar.  Sometime something someone (lot’s of somes there) says in conversation sparks the same old thoughts I’ve had in the past, yet my views or answer may have changed a tad.

I’m not sure if this change is because of maturity, a cleaner head, better thinking or what.  All I know is I’ve had this thought in my head for a bit over a month now and I feel a need to share it, again.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my head and it’s one of those thoughts that may help you, or someone you know, in the future.

First Things First

Let me first say right off that AA and what it does for folks and what it did for me is something along the lines of fantabulous.  The AA program, I think, is one of those programs, and I hate to use the word program here, that has really made and continues to make a huge change in the lives of many which causes a change in the world. 

That world may only be as large as the family that is directly affected by alcoholism but to some that is the only world they have.   AA changes that world for that one person and yes I think that the result is something borderline miraculous.  Not so sure I wouldn’t call it a miracle now.

So, if you are walking into the rooms daily, hang in there.  My hats off to you.  My hats off to all those who keep it going.  I hope for the lives of so many others that will need it in the future that AA will be around for years to come.  I hate, HATE, the reason it has to be around but that mess is never going to go away.

Let’s Get Physical

As I said earlier, this thought resurfaced a month or so ago and I have had lots of time to think about it.  I had someone say they were concerned that I was no longer attending my recovery groups and they wanted to know why.

Now is where I get a bit nervous in my writing.  Now is the point where my stomach starts to cramp from the dread and the worry.  I hope that none of you in the rooms take this personally.  The following is only my opinion.

This is one of the reasons I am glad I no longer attend AA meetings.  I’ll fill you in again on what I’m doing instead of AA because there is a method to my madness…..sometimes.

I think if I were still going to AA meetings regularly, and by regularly I mean no less than 3 times a week, then I really think my life and my lifestyle would not be what it is today.  I honestly don’t think, for me, that it would be anywhere near as good as what I have today.  And that isn’t much.

End of Part 1

Well it looks as though if I kept going this post would turn into a novel.  I’m going to have to break this up into two, possibly three, posts.  I know how much you guys enjoy that. 

Next post I’ll have more room to do my explaining.  More than likely the third post will finish up and I’ll again fill you in on what I’m doing in my life to make me feel that way.

I hope you’ll come back and visit.

Because of HIM

SC

This is the fourth and final part of this series. You can go here to see part 1 and here to see part 2 and here to see part 3

Image via Wikipedia

I said in my previous post that I finally started to get IT.  IT being “Family of God.”  The church was going to be my place of refuge.  The

place where, as a family, I was going to “get my AA.”  After all, the church is where I was going to go and be able to talk to whomever about whatever problems were ailing me.

I mean, that is what the “Family of

God” is there for, right?

Well, I guess I’m thinking that I’m not getting the same results from the Church as I would/could be getting from attending an A.A. meeting.  For one, on Sunday mornings there are so many “strangers” in our midst, you know, the family members that you only see once a week, that it’s hard to get comfortable enough to say some things that need to be said.

The Sunday morning/Sunday night/Wednesday night members, the ones that I see at each worships service, are the family members.  I feel that even with some of those brothers and sisters I can’t be comfortable talking for fear of being considered “a Sinner” or “no faith.”

So, for those reasons, it’s hard to get everything that I need from the Church.  There may be others that I’m not thinking about. I know there are some of you that I attend church with.  This is not meant to be a roast and nothing has happened to me personally that has caused these thoughts.  They are just my thoughts, period.

There are exceptions to the rules.  There are Brothers and Sisters that I can talk to comfortably.  And that is great.  I’m sure that a lot of this is just mental because it’s just not something that we do in the Church.  I’m also not blaming anyone but myself for this.  But can I change anything?

I’ve made the statement to some about how the church should be the place we also call Sinners Un-Anonymous.  I or anyone else should be as comfortable in the walls of the church building as I am in the walls of an AA meeting.  Because, regardless of what some think (and no this is just a general statement) just because I’m an alcoholic in recovery, I am no better or worse than ANYONE else in the room.  I should be comfortable enough to state that in any setting and also to use that to make others in attendance feel comfortable being there and being able to talk to me…whew.

Off my soapbox.  Sorry about that.  I got a little bit way off topic.

I don’t think I’ve answered the question, why don’t I go back to AA meetings?  Well, I still have faith that soon I will be in the company of my Brothers and Sisters and I WILL be able to get and give everything necessary to fight the demons of my world and your world, from inside the walls of the church building.  I can also get coffee, candy, and conversation from church as well.

Well, I’m expecting questions.  I think I have helped myself with these 4 posts and maybe I’ve helped you as well.  At the same time, I feel I’ve left a lot of questions unanswered.  That is where you come in.  Please, if you have any questions, please ask.  Who knows, it could be YOUR question + my answer that helps the next pair of eyes that read this.

Hope I didn’t rant and rave to much for ya.  Thanks for reading!

Because of HIM

SC

This is the third part of this series. You can go here to see part 1 and here to see part 2.

Image by Ben Scicluna via Flickr

I am NOT a saint. Let me go ahead and just get that out of the way. For those of you who thought I was, sorry to let you down. I still have my demons that I have to battle. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. Once they get a hold, though, I lose that battle. I’ve yet to figure out how to get out of the submission hold once the demons grab me. I am trying though.

Whew, now that I’ve got that out of the way.

I got out of rehab in early March of 2008.  As I stated, I was very faithful in attending the rooms. Others in the room were very encouraging, even to the point of telling me that they thought I was going to help a lot of people. I kinda thought that too.

I started going to visit my other family, the family I hadn’t seen in quite a long time,  my favorite most precious family,  my church family, in mid-April or early May.  I’m not sure why it took me that long to go back.  I may have my dates off, but I didn’t go back right away.

At the same time, I was still going to AA meetings.  I missed worship services in order to attend AA meetings.  They were that important to me.  For a while.

The AA meetings still had a very spiritual feeling to them.  Some comments, though, didn’t really sit well with me.  Not that they made me angry or anything like that.  They were just, odd??, I guess.

One that sticks out, was a statement made by a fellow telling a story about a conversation he had with a “church” person.  His statement was basically, “I told him that I go to church every night.” speaking of AA meetings.  And I guess, if that’s where his higher power is, then it is his church.  In the next breath he would be using 4 letter words that I would just as soon not put on here.  So, I got to thinking.

A large portion of these folks’ higher power, may not necessarily be God.  I mean the one true God.  In fact, one calls his higher power “hp.”   Some prayed to the doggie god.  To be fair, for AA to work, one has GOT to believe in SOMETHING greater than themselves.  If that is what it takes (it’s what it took for me I think) to free folks from the power of alcohol, then so be it.  Pray to a flower pot, pray to dirt, just believe that there is something that is more powerful than you.  AA is not a place to evangelize.

I chose God.  Going to church was strengthening my relationship with HIM.  I desired to be with my church family more and more.  I finally began to get IT.  I started to understand what it meant when the words “Family of God” were used.

In the rooms, I was also not enjoying someone other than God himself, getting  the glory that God deserved for these folks beating their demon, Alcohol.

OK, that’s enough for now.  I’ll try to finish this series up with one more post, maybe.  I’ve still got a lot of thoughts on this going through my brain.  No promises on the one more post.

Because of HIM

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Image by Kevin via Flickr

This is the second part of this series. You can go here to see part 1.

The three C’s of AA is what I would use to sum up this post.  I’ll share a little bit about all three of them today.

Coffee

I know a lot of non-alcoholics who enjoy a good cup of coffee.  I received a tweet from @Dougrea just this morning which stated “coffee. most delightful. the nectar of the gods.”  I think that sums it up pretty well.

Alcoholics though, from what I’ve experienced, really really enjoy a good cup of coffee, good optional.  I learned this early on while I was in rehab.  In the group room, where we spent pretty much all of our time, there was a coffee lovers coffee maker.  At any given time, one could walk up to it, pull a lever, and could get some of the finest coffee around.  Finest because it was just about the only coffee you could get.  It was instant-instant coffee.

Not missing a beat.  When I left rehab and went to my first AA meeting “away from” Cumberland Heights, one of the first things I noticed when I walked into the room was the smell of coffee.  And there were people gathered around this coffee maker.  It’s the proverbial “Water Cooler” of AA.  I would venture to say that during a one to one-and-a-half hour meeting, 3 full pots of coffee would be consumed.

I still drink lots of coffee.  Lots.  Like at least 2 pots a day.  But I miss the coffee at the meetings.

Candy

One of the first things I remember hearing at rehab that I thought was odd, was the counselor telling us to make sure we had plenty of candy lying around.  At the time, I wasn’t really into sweets.  I didn’t like deserts.  Chocolate might as well been a pickle.  I just had zero desire for sweets.

Now I know why.  Alcohol contains a lot of sugars. When we stopped drinking, our bodies still craved the sugars, along with everything else.  Eating a good bite of chocolate when having a craving for alcohol, eases that craving.

Anyway, at some of the AA meetings, a bowl of candy would be passed around the room.  Not once.  It get’s passed around so much, I sometimes got tired of passing it. Some of the meetings just had little candy dishes on each of the tables. Either way, there is always candy at an AA meeting.

Now, I’m a lover of sweets.  I really enjoy M&M’s and the first thing I notice when at a gathering where food is involved, is the desert table.  I have the belly to vouch for that.

So, if you or someone you know, is trying to quit drinking, please please go get you or them some candy.

Conversation

In my previous post, I mentioned quite a bit about the conversations at an AA meeting.  Sure, I can have a conversation with you even if you’re not a alcoholic.  There is just something about having a casual conversation with one of your own in the setting of an AA meeting.  I don’t know if it’s the lack of guilt.  I don’t know if it’s the selfishness of an alcoholic who just can’t wait to talk about me me me.  I really don’t know what it is, but I enjoyed it and miss it.

“So, Scott! Why don’t you go back?”

I’ll see if I can get into that a little, next post.

Because of HIM

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Image by Kevin via Flickr

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the AA program.  I know I’ve probably written about some of this before, but it’s back on my mind.  Plus, maybe some of my new followers (if there are any) haven’t read the past posts yet.  So, for you folks that have read it all before, you just get a refresher course this post.

Let me preface, though, by just letting you know, I’m not an expert on AA by any means.  Don’t claim to be nor do I want to come across that way.

As I wrote this, it became obvious that I have too many thoughts on this to make it a one poster.  Consider this part 1 of “To AA or Not  to AA.  That is the Questions.”

I’m torn between going back to “the rooms” or not.  I haven’t been to an AA meeting since May of 2008.  I find myself missing those that I met while traveling around the area AA meetings.  I went to one every night for about 3 months. One gets to know people in that amount of time.

These weren’t  just “people” though.  These were guys and gals who are, or have, or will have, the same issues that I’m facing while on the path of recovery.  It’s comforting to know that I am not the only person in the world that is having a problem with cravings.  It’s comforting to know that dreams of drinking are not just held in my mind.  You get the gist of what I’m talking about I hope.

I don’t just miss the people though.

AA meetings were also great in that here was a bunch of alcoholics believing in a Higher Power that can lead them to victory over alcohol.  It was a room full of spirit, good-will, family, and love.  It was the way church should be.  Everyone knew everyone had problems and no-one was afraid to admit their problems as they sought help.

“So, why leave?”

Good question.

Some folks leave the groups because the disease tells them too. They walk out the door one night and think that they are cured and can do this on their own.  It’s a dangerous proposition that the disease presents to them.  They succumb to doing nothing.  They go back to hanging with the old crowd.  Being exposed over and over to the very thing that controls them.  Soon, they are right back in the middle of it.

Some may end up again living on the streets.  Some may end up dead.  The lucky ones?  They end up back in the rooms, starting over.  Can you imagine how much courage it would take to go back to your alcoholic friends and admitting that you’re back at your old habits?  I’ve seen it happen.  There isn’t any more love in a room than there is at that point.

Sure there are the few who can walk out and be just fine.  Never go back.  It happens.  It’s a rarity, though, from what I remember hearing and reading.

“Well, Scott, why did you stop going if you got what you needed?”

I’ll continue that next post.  I’ve exhausted you for tonight.

Hey, you have any questions related to AA that you would like for me to share, please let me know.  Your questions help me, a lot.

Because of HIM

SC

For details on what Rehab Reflections is about, please refer to the first post of the series, Rehab Reflections: The Return of Spirituality.

photo by kacey

Below is the second entry from the journal that I kept while I was in rehab.  Turns out, I didn’t write in it as faithfully as I initially thought.  This entry falls almost a week after the first entry, and it appears that so much has happened already.  So much more behind the scenes.  I’ll try to share what I can remember happening between entries, but I don’t expect much.  Maybe it will be noticeable without my having to remember.

Anyway, here it is.  From March 4, 2008.  Entry number 2.

Prayed again Wednesday night for “my friend”, hoping that he finds his higher power so that he will be able to do the 12 steps.  On Thursday our counselor had a great group meeting explaining spirituality and religion the way he saw it.  “My friend” said that helped him more than anything.  God answers prayers!

“My friend” is a fellow that I met at Cumberland Heights.  He was actually the first person that I spoke with, I mean, sat and spoke with, the first night I was there.  We met in the commons area and drank soda’s.  He was in pretty rough shape when I met him.

He is about my age.  Has children and a wife that’s on the verge of leaving him because of his issue.  To look at him, you could tell he was in need of help, and was in need of a friend.

I sat at the table with him, just he and I, and we spoke with the normal “Hey…” greetings.  Then the conversation started.  But to look at him, he almost didn’t have to say anything.

I noticed that he was shaking really bad.  He said that when he first got there, he couldn’t even hold his soft drinks or fork or anything.  He would spill the water or soda all over him, or shake all of the food off of his fork.  Someone had to help him eat and drink for the first couple of days.

I don’t remember how long he was there before I got there.  He was, at this time, able to hold his own.  But he still had the shakes like I’ve never seen, nor have I seen since.

Over time, We spoke about his mothers death and how much of a grudge he had with God.  How life was treating him.  He was having a hard time believing in God.

In my entry you see mention of the 12 steps.  It was actually only the first 2 steps that we completed, if we wanted, while we were there.  He was really wanting to complete the steps, but it was number 2 that he just couldn’t do.  The two steps are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

By this time, I’m fairly certain I had completed the two steps.  Most likely the third as well, if only in my head (3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.) If I hadn’t, I don’t think I would have been praying for someone else.

Then the group meeting I referred to happened.  Then the comment from “my friend” about how much that meeting helped him understand God.

Thanks be to God, his last night there he was able to complete his steps.  There was so much emotion in that room when he did.  Others making comments about how he was actually able to hold the paper “steady” while he read.  Tears of joy streaming down faces of strangers.  Happiness sprawled across his face like a rainbow after a terrible storm.

God Answers Prayers!

“Scott, was it really your prayers that helped him?  Or was it just pomp circumstance?”

You tell me.

Because of HIM

SC

I’m really liking The-One Minute Writer blog, but sometimes I just can’t write for just a minute.  For something that requires little writing, it sure brings up a lot of words.  Today’s prompt is Write about an item you own that isn’t worth much money but has great value to you. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to share this with you and I’m sure it will take more than a minute.

THE SETUP

But first, I need you to go back with me.  Back to probably March 1, 2008.  Close your eyes…wait…that won’t work.  Aw, just read on….

Today was probably the actual first day of rest of my life.  I had been in rehab since Feb 25th, but never…clear headed.

“Why Scott?”

THE STORY

Well, one of the first things they do when checking in, after getting poked and prodded and squeezed and questioned, is to give you a little blue pill.  This little blue pill is used to keep us relaxed and our nerves down as we start our detox process.  Keeps the blood pressure regulated.  All in all a good thing.

It also has a tendency to make you feel reeaaallllyyyyy good, you just don’t remember feeling reeaaallllyyyy good.  In case your wondering, it’s Valium.

For 5 days they give you one of these pills before each meal.  So, just as one wears off, the other picks up and you go back to that zombie state.  I’m telling ya, you can tell the new arrivals from the ones that have been there for a while.  Just picture a zombie, and there you have the new guy/gal.  Kinda funny picture in my head, but hey, I was one too.  Not poking fun.

So, today was the first day that I wake up and don’t have the luxury of receiving this little blue pill.  The first day where I have to make it without any substance to kick this habit.  Clear headed.  The beginning.

After a normal day of group meetings, night has fallen, and it’s the first chance that I get to leave the campus.  The first day I go on the other side of “the gate.”

I leave the safety zone.

The first day I venture out into the real world.

The first day I taste of life on the “outside.”

The day I enter the danger zone.

No, I don’t go alone.  There is a van load of us.  But still, there was something eerie about leaving that night.

Anyway, we go as a group to AA meetings.  This was my very first AA meeting.

THE MARK

The two images you see below are pictures of the 24 Hour Chip. This is the signal for a desire for a new life for the recovering alcoholic.

Front

Back

This is my mark for my new life.

It’s probably not worth any more than a penny, as you can probably get them for a dime a dozen.

But, to me, it’s more valuable than all the gold in Fort Knox. So don’t offer to buy it.

SC

photo by alicepopkorn

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt. - Unknown

Hey there!  It’s Monday! Woo Hoo!  This week I’m going to start something a little different and see how it works out for me. I think I’m going to like it, a lot.  I hope it works for you as well and you too enjoy these days.

I’ve looked over the past few weeks worth of posts and it seems that Mondays are my “Spiritual Thoughts” day.  So.  Guess What?  Mondays are going to be my official weekly Spiritual Thoughts posts day (that seemed a bit redundant…oh well). Not that I don’t have these thoughts all week. I do.  Very strong, daily.

I’m not sure how long this ‘series’ will go, but I don’t have an end anywhere in sight so it could be forever.  And I’m quite OK with that. So, without further ado, let me start with this thought.  Why I think this is important and see if I can keep my thoughts steered toward those fighting an addiction.  Most likely there will be something for us all though.  If your offended by God or Christianity, WE are sorry.  Talk to me.

SELFISHNESS

Let me preface by saying, I’m trying to overcome this trait.

Personally, I am one selfish character.  I know that. A lot of my demons that I fight today make themselves known through selfishness.  If I want something, I am going to get it, or make everyone around me miserable; not too mention how miserable I will be IF I don’t get that thing that I want.  It’s a vicious cycle. Turns out, it usually works against those things that I want. I still struggle with that point daily.

Anyway, an addiction has a lot to do with this lovely demon, selfishness.  I had to get my alcohol to make myself happy regardless of what it did to others that I came in contact with.  Those “others” most likely didn’t have a clue why I did what I did, but I knew. I knew why I wasn’t going out. I knew why I had to get home before 9:00.  I knew why I didn’t want to see my folks.  Because I had to make myself happy regardless of who would be destroyed by the decision. And I’m sure some relationships were destroyed.  They will be made known to me.

I’ve said it before and I’ve heard it in the rooms.  An alcoholic is all about self-will run riot.  We can, and will, do whatever we want without the help or thought of others.

THERE IS SOMEONE GREATER

Step 2 from the AA 12 step program: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

“Woe, now Scott….!”

I hear ya.  For someone with an addiction to say that there is something better, greater.  Man.  It is tough.  I feel it’s a necessity to be able to fight off the demons in your life and to get you over the fence and into the light.

They don’t specify God in the AA program.  Just a higher power.  That works for a lot of addicts.  You would be surprised what some higher powers are to some folks, and there is not a thing wrong with that I don’t think. Anything to fight off this addiction and get back a life is worth it.

This idea worked for me for a short while, until I realized that my Higher Power was indeed God.  Always will be.  Used to be myself or Bud Light, but that didn’t get me very far.  It’s the main reason that I stopped attending the AA meetings.  I just couldn’t sit there and hear folks mention that their Higher Power helped them with this or that situation.  I suppose that in itself was a bit of selfishness, but I must draw the line somewhere.

YOU MEAN THAT’S IT

It really is harder than it sounds.  I promise you though, once that connection is made, your life will do a complete 180 and you end up like me…um…that might be bad though…eh.  What I meant was, happy to wake up everyday, getting down on your knees (very humbling!) and thanking God for getting you through the night.  Thanking God for not letting yourself drink the day before.  Asking God to help you not drink this next second.  It truly is wonderful to have him around.  I can’t describe it really.

He is my best friend and my guide.

Because of Him

SC