Image by Kevin via Flickr

This is the second part of this series. You can go here to see part 1.

The three C’s of AA is what I would use to sum up this post.  I’ll share a little bit about all three of them today.

Coffee

I know a lot of non-alcoholics who enjoy a good cup of coffee.  I received a tweet from @Dougrea just this morning which stated “coffee. most delightful. the nectar of the gods.”  I think that sums it up pretty well.

Alcoholics though, from what I’ve experienced, really really enjoy a good cup of coffee, good optional.  I learned this early on while I was in rehab.  In the group room, where we spent pretty much all of our time, there was a coffee lovers coffee maker.  At any given time, one could walk up to it, pull a lever, and could get some of the finest coffee around.  Finest because it was just about the only coffee you could get.  It was instant-instant coffee.

Not missing a beat.  When I left rehab and went to my first AA meeting “away from” Cumberland Heights, one of the first things I noticed when I walked into the room was the smell of coffee.  And there were people gathered around this coffee maker.  It’s the proverbial “Water Cooler” of AA.  I would venture to say that during a one to one-and-a-half hour meeting, 3 full pots of coffee would be consumed.

I still drink lots of coffee.  Lots.  Like at least 2 pots a day.  But I miss the coffee at the meetings.

Candy

One of the first things I remember hearing at rehab that I thought was odd, was the counselor telling us to make sure we had plenty of candy lying around.  At the time, I wasn’t really into sweets.  I didn’t like deserts.  Chocolate might as well been a pickle.  I just had zero desire for sweets.

Now I know why.  Alcohol contains a lot of sugars. When we stopped drinking, our bodies still craved the sugars, along with everything else.  Eating a good bite of chocolate when having a craving for alcohol, eases that craving.

Anyway, at some of the AA meetings, a bowl of candy would be passed around the room.  Not once.  It get’s passed around so much, I sometimes got tired of passing it. Some of the meetings just had little candy dishes on each of the tables. Either way, there is always candy at an AA meeting.

Now, I’m a lover of sweets.  I really enjoy M&M’s and the first thing I notice when at a gathering where food is involved, is the desert table.  I have the belly to vouch for that.

So, if you or someone you know, is trying to quit drinking, please please go get you or them some candy.

Conversation

In my previous post, I mentioned quite a bit about the conversations at an AA meeting.  Sure, I can have a conversation with you even if you’re not a alcoholic.  There is just something about having a casual conversation with one of your own in the setting of an AA meeting.  I don’t know if it’s the lack of guilt.  I don’t know if it’s the selfishness of an alcoholic who just can’t wait to talk about me me me.  I really don’t know what it is, but I enjoyed it and miss it.

“So, Scott! Why don’t you go back?”

I’ll see if I can get into that a little, next post.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by Kevin via Flickr

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the AA program.  I know I’ve probably written about some of this before, but it’s back on my mind.  Plus, maybe some of my new followers (if there are any) haven’t read the past posts yet.  So, for you folks that have read it all before, you just get a refresher course this post.

Let me preface, though, by just letting you know, I’m not an expert on AA by any means.  Don’t claim to be nor do I want to come across that way.

As I wrote this, it became obvious that I have too many thoughts on this to make it a one poster.  Consider this part 1 of “To AA or Not  to AA.  That is the Questions.”

I’m torn between going back to “the rooms” or not.  I haven’t been to an AA meeting since May of 2008.  I find myself missing those that I met while traveling around the area AA meetings.  I went to one every night for about 3 months. One gets to know people in that amount of time.

These weren’t  just “people” though.  These were guys and gals who are, or have, or will have, the same issues that I’m facing while on the path of recovery.  It’s comforting to know that I am not the only person in the world that is having a problem with cravings.  It’s comforting to know that dreams of drinking are not just held in my mind.  You get the gist of what I’m talking about I hope.

I don’t just miss the people though.

AA meetings were also great in that here was a bunch of alcoholics believing in a Higher Power that can lead them to victory over alcohol.  It was a room full of spirit, good-will, family, and love.  It was the way church should be.  Everyone knew everyone had problems and no-one was afraid to admit their problems as they sought help.

“So, why leave?”

Good question.

Some folks leave the groups because the disease tells them too. They walk out the door one night and think that they are cured and can do this on their own.  It’s a dangerous proposition that the disease presents to them.  They succumb to doing nothing.  They go back to hanging with the old crowd.  Being exposed over and over to the very thing that controls them.  Soon, they are right back in the middle of it.

Some may end up again living on the streets.  Some may end up dead.  The lucky ones?  They end up back in the rooms, starting over.  Can you imagine how much courage it would take to go back to your alcoholic friends and admitting that you’re back at your old habits?  I’ve seen it happen.  There isn’t any more love in a room than there is at that point.

Sure there are the few who can walk out and be just fine.  Never go back.  It happens.  It’s a rarity, though, from what I remember hearing and reading.

“Well, Scott, why did you stop going if you got what you needed?”

I’ll continue that next post.  I’ve exhausted you for tonight.

Hey, you have any questions related to AA that you would like for me to share, please let me know.  Your questions help me, a lot.

Because of HIM

SC

photo by SqueakyMarmot

Wow! WOOO HOOO!!!! AWRIGHTY!!! Break out the party hat folks.  Join me in celebrating a HUGE milestone for me.  That’s right folks.  February 25th, 2009 is here!!! (to be fair, I’m jumping the gun by 2hrs and 45min, but by the time you are reading it, I will probably be doing all of that above..whew).

What’s all the commotion?  This is the day the Lord has made and that same Lord has kept me sober for 1 year!  Did you catch that?  Let me put it this way.  My name is Scott and I’m an alcoholic a recovering alcoholic.  I have NOT had a drink of alcohol in 365 days!

For some, this would seem maybe a little petty.  Some can quite possibly control their consumption of alcohol and think “BAH! I can do that!”  “What’s the big deal?” “I’m drinking a glass of wine now as I read this and that will be all I have. No Problem.”

Fine.  I’m happy for you.  Maybe a little alcoholic demon inside of me even envies you.   At any rate, I can’t.  I can never, let me repeat that as well, NEVER take another drink or I will crash.  It will totally consume my life, worse than it did in the past.  I can’t just drink a glass of wine.  Nope. 1 glass of wine = a bottle = a trip to the store = more = a vicious cycle that will not end.

Knowing that.  Knowing that 1 little thing is where it, it being recovery, all began.  365 days ago I said it for the first time.  365 days later, I’m saying it still.  Knowing how my progression will be is going to be key to me making it another year.  The next 365 will be no easier that the first day.

Is that a bit hard to comprehend?

For me, it’s a bit hard to swallow.

*GULP* *choke* *choke*

I’ve never quit anything in my life I don’t think.  Nothing that totally consumed me like alcohol.  I’ve a feeling of elation.  Accomplishment. And quite possibly for the first time in a very long time, pride and a larger love of myself than I’ve had in a long time.

I couldn’t have done it without holding the hand of God for 365 days.  I thank him most of all.

I’ve got to keep on holding it.  Probably squeeze it a bit harder for the next few days.  I’m going to quit smoking, starting today.  After nearly 20 years, I think it’s time.  I know I can do it.  Like I’ve said, I’ve got God and my family and friends (which includes you guys and gals) to help me through this.   Keep checking back as I’m sure I’ll have a lot to blog about as far as this next venture goes.

At any rate..HERE IS TO A YEAR!!  I’m glad I could share it with you.  Thanks for stopping by!

Because of HIM

SC

For details on what Rehab Reflections is about, please refer to the previous posts of the series:

1. Rehab Reflections: The Return of Spirituality
2. Rehab Reflections: God Answers Prayers!
3. Rehab Reflections: Out With The Old And In With The New
4. Rehab Reflections: You Can Walk With Me?

Well I hate that I didn’t write more entries while I was “cleaning” up.  But, I can’t (and really don’t want) to do anything about it now.  That would require going back and I’m just not gonna do that for you or me.

This is the last entry and again, it’s lengthy. More so than the last.  I’m not going to break it up into sections as it might lose some of it’s emotion and feeling.  Names have been changed to protect, well, the person’s privacy.

On that note,  I’ll not make it longer by continuing to ramble.  Enjoy the writing

March 9, 2008

I awoke this morning, and the first thing that I did was pray to my God.  I thanked him for another day.  I asked him that if it was his will, to send someone my way that I may show them my faith ad help them out with their faith if I could.  That’s not all I prayed for, other things like another day of sobriety, help me live just for today etc. etc., but these things are of no importance. The important one is that I asked My God to send someone to me so that I may help them.

Fast forward to 9:00 AM.  Morning meditation time.  Molly D and Phillip D were leaving today.  We did our breathing exercise, we read from the “Just for Today”,

“Daily Reflections”, and “The Big Book.”  Then Molly D was asked to sit in the ch

air and explain what she was going to do after treatment.

(Note 2/19/09 – On everyone’s last day, they were asked to sit in a chair in the middle of the group and answer a question posed by the counselor)

The first thing she said is “I don’t know if I can do this without crying,” and you could hear her voice cracking, holding back the tears, to which I said, “Don’t worry Molly.  I cry everyday.” and she proceeded to tell her story, only finally crying at the end.  Doesn’t matter what she said, you could feel her pain and worry.

A few days before I had visited the old chapel on the grounds.  Went inside, sat alone in a pew, and gave God all that I could not handle.  I just had so much going on.

Go back a couple of days.  This same Molly made a comment in group, that she had so many emotions, she didn’t know how to get them out.

(NOTE 2/19/09 – I got lost too.  Wish I would have been more specific with my days.)

Anyway, back to Molly.  A couple of days ago I approached her after class and told her how I release my emotions.  I told her that I walk from the group room, down to the center of the path, and just walk and cry.  Let it all out.  Who cares if someone sees you.  She told me, “Thank you.  I will try that.” and gave me a hug.

Today after group she came up to me and said “Thank you for sending me to the chapel.  That really helped me a lot.”  I don’t remember if  I made another comment one day about visiting the chapel or not, either way, I helped her.

Another Molly, she was new, said something, but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was.  But it ended with me saying “Come here.  Let me show you something.”

We proceeded to the door and I opened it and said “You see that bell tower.  He’s over there.” She thanked me and said she will give it a shot.

Another girl, Sally, approached me outside and said, “Make sure you give me your number before you leave.  You seem to have the spiritual thing going on and maybe you can answer some of my questions for me or show me where to find them.”  Of course I told her that I would.

The kids came down with Mom and Dad today.  I haven’t seen them in almost two weeks.  They were excited.  Austin thought I was working there.  In a sense, I guess I was in more than one way.

Dad brought some short term disability to me for me to give to the doctor.  Something got brought up about vacation, and job and it was just too much.  I was about to loose it right there.  I got up and went to the bathroom, shed a tear, and asked God to help me not worry about all of this mess right now.  I needed to just take care of me.  I gave him another of my burdens.  Immediately, the pain and worry went away.

Ask me if there is a God.  I think you know what I would say.  It was such a joy to see the kids.  Ahhhh… What a day.

Because of HIM

SC

photo by mikecpeck

As I close in on the one year mark (9 days away from 1 year of sobriety as I write this), I’m noticing some old, but very familiar things happening to me.  I’m really not liking them at all.  Some I consider just aggravations, some I see as being my little demons bouncing around from shoulder to shoulder.  (Maybe that’s why my neck/back is hurting )

First thing that I’ve noticed is the strong iron taste in my mouth.  It had faded away some but has reared it’s ugly head again as of late.  It’s nothing I can’t handle, but this taste is definitely a reminder of both good and bad things.  Good in that I have just that taste.  Bad that it’s wanting to be quenched.

Second, I’ve noticed that I’ve been shaking more.  Not violent shakes, just the sorta shakes that I would have when I was drinking. Again, nothing I can’t handle but a little un-nerveing.  (HA..nerveing..shakes…never-mind) A little scary too to look down at my fingers and see them darting back and forth.  Me being unable to stop them.  Not a very good feeling.

Third, I’ve been tempted by the store where I used to purchase my drinks of choice.  I drive by this location several times a day.  I usually see the familiar cars sitting in the “employees” parking spot.  The drive-thru is window open and I hear a voice coming from it saying, “Good things and good times await you, Scott.”  The cars lined up at the drive-thru and the brown paper bag passes through the window into the vehicle that waits.  Familiarity that I do not like.  Smells from the store that I can now smell.  Yet, I’m in my truck, on the other side of the road, just driving by.  Why do I have these sensations?

Finally, my mind seems to be going a million miles an hour.  Jumping from thought to thought.  Similar to the way it used to do the first 6 or so months I was sober.  Thoughts ever-changing, but as I go to write them down, another thought forms, then another, then another and I just can’t get them down on paper or out of my head.

This is making it very difficult to write.  Which is sad for me, because I do enjoy it so much.  I sit in front of the keyboard sometimes for 30 minutes with nothing worthy to be written.  2 or 3 times today I did just that.   On the difficult to write issue, this back thing that I’ve got going for me is making writing difficult too.  In between those thoughts is a bit of pain to fill in the spaces I could write.

All of these demons are here reminding me that being a recovering alcoholic is going to be a life-long battle.  A battle that sometimes takes me deeper into the darkness of the woods.  Even as I fight these demons, they drag me further back as I ask myself, “Am I ever going to get out of these woods?”

The demons hear me. They pounce upon me and look me in the eyes.  I can smell the putrid smell of times past on their breath as the hot air from their mouth hits my face.  If I listen close I can hear them say, “Not in this lifetime.” Then distant laughter fills the air.

Because of HIM

SC

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! –

1Corinthians 13:12

photo by mysza

The middle of last month, we were experiencing some very foggy days.  I was outside during one of my breaks and on this day the fog was so thick that scuba gear seemed like it might be necessary just to breathe.  Then the thought occurred to me that standing there, looking around in the fog, reminded me of how my recovery has been.

On a good day, standing where I was, I could see a pretty good distance ahead of me.  I could see the ditches, the trees, the roadways, the fences that marked various boundaries.  I could tell, from one spot, all of the places I could go, and all of the pitfalls that were in the way.

On this day, though, with the heavy fog, none of this was visible.  In order to see the ditch, I would have to take a step or two forward before it would appear.  The trees were slightly visible, but only as dark silhouette’s against the white of the fog.  Determining their size and type was difficult at best.  The fence and the roadways that were normally just right there, were hidden in the clouds.  As I stepped closer to these objects, they would become more focused, more clear.

Recovery has been very much like this for me.  On good days, it seems that my sights are limitless.  The  horizon and everything that lies between me and it, are all out there to be seen.  I can plan my route from start to finish from where I am standing.

On bad days, I may be standing in the same spot, but the familiarity is completely gone.  I have to plan my moves, one step at a time.  Crossing the boundaries that life throws at me, only after they become visible and approachable.  What I saw yesterday is not visible today.  It’s all silhouetted against the fog of recovery.  It’s as if I had been dropped into some strange world, given a destination, but no real good directions.

Faith, courage, hope, and God get me through the foggy days.  They are my fog lamps.  Brightening up the immediate steps that I have to make.  Making those steps just a little more comfortable.

When the clear days come back I only look back on the foggy days that were.  And wait for the next fog of recovery to roll in.

Because of HIM

SC

If you’ve been hanging around here for very long, you may not get the feeling that I’m an introvert. Well, I think I am. At least on a person to person, face to face, level.

I don’t want to be. I would love to be able to just speak to someone the way I speak here. Well, I’m getting there.

Yesterday, I was busy at a clients business doing what I do.  When the job was finished, the conversation turned, like it normally does this time of year, to an inquiry about Christmas and children and shopping.  That part of the conversation was normal. Expected.  I had the answers.  Chit-chat, you know?

This person must have touched me.  I soon found myself explaining that last year I was struggling with alcoholism and how much more exciting Christmas is this year.  And how much the meaning had changed because I let God back in my life.  Spilling my guts to someone I barely knew.  I mean, I knew them in a business aspect, but nowhere near a close relationship.  Never in a million years would I have been having THAT conversation with this friend.

I could see the joy oozing from their face as each word made it’s way from my mouth.  No filter.  Just good ol’ happy joy joy conversation.

Not to be outdone, this new friend then proceeded to tell me about how alcohol had been in their life.  How a son who had been gone from the family for several years, showed up at church one day during a lesson on The Prodigal Son.  Since then, he has been in their life and has gotten a very good life of his own.

A daughter who had in the past struggled with alcohol, now grown with children of her own.  A loving family.  No longer bound by the chains of alcohol, would tell this new friend of mine stories of her past.  Sleeping on park benches or just horror stories of life with the bottle.

So many are struggling with this disease.  So many of our connections become disconnected because of the disease, and usually no one knows why the disconnection.  Parents don’t understand why their son doesn’t want to be around them.  Was it something they did?  Something they said?  How did we make him so mad or gosh, hate us.  What did WE do, they often ask themselves, I’m sure.

I think we touched each other, this new friend and I.  I will remember that conversation for as long as I live.  Seeing the happiness on their face may have been just what I needed to move towards becoming that extrovert.  That movement toward another avenue of help? Maybe.

Because of HIM

SC

“Nah, talking about alcohol and even seeing it doesn’t seem to bother me at all” - Scott Carver

photo by jaredmoo

I’ve been traveling down my new path for many many weeks.

I’ve been excited about the changes I’ve seen in my life.

I’ve fallen in love with myself, quite possibly for the first time.

I’ve spent lots of time establishing and growing my relationship with God. (VERY VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT)

I’ve thought about my disease.  Some don’t call it a disease.  Some call it a state of mind.  They must not have the disease.

Though I’ve thought about my disease, I’ve not given it the time nor attention that it deserves.  The awareness has been there, but just barely occupying the back of my mind it now seems.

Situations come and go.

What was a breeze to fight yesterday, today can become a tornado with so much devastation and destruction to ones life that it’s almost incomprehensible.

To the alcoholic,  a picture of beer today, tomorrow can become a pitcher of beer.

The whiff of ale in the air today, can be tomorrows blast of death.

A movie scene full of shots of whiskey, complete with drunks “having fun” in a bar, can be pushed away today.  But tomorrow we may only wish it were a movie.

What you can handle today, right now, this second, may be a huge trigger for you within the next minute.  We must be strong.  We must always be on the lookout for alcohol to sneak up on us.  It will happen.  You will have the desire for one more good feeling.  You will want the taste again.  You will want that feeling again.

It’s happened to me tonight, and I thank GOD that I’m so much stronger a person today than I was 9 months ago.  Were I not, there is a very good chance that I could fall over the stump in my path.

I’ve seen movies and shows and commercials and signs and beer cans and just about everything that has to do with alcohol and drinking, splattered all over the television.  Never, NEVER has it affected me like it has/is tonight.

I watched a movie tonight with just those scenes.  Scenes of love. Scenes of Clubs.  Scenes of crystal shot glasses that seemed to have a never ending supply of alcohol.  And it affected me tonight.  Affected my feelings.

A feeling not much unlike the same feeling one gets when they miss a best friend.  Those “good times” spent together seems to have rushed in unexpected, uninvited, unwanted.

Right now, as I type this, I have “the” taste back.  I can’t describe it, but I haven’t noticed it in a while.  I have a weird almost drunk feeling in my head. I can almost feel the alcohol coursing through my veins again.

I’m scared.

But, I’m not going back.  I will be fine.  I just wanted you to know that Things Are Not Always As They Seem, and to urge you to be strong in your battles.

DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!

Because of HIM

SC

I was looking for some paper to write on (duh) the other night and I ran across the notebook that I purchased at Cumberland Heights for taking notes in our group meetings.

I also used this notebook to record my journal.  I didn’t write everyday. It appears I wrote every other day, some short and some long.

What I would like to do on Wednesdays, if you are interested (if not, please, by all means, tell me to skip it.  I know, it’s my blog, but if your not interested then I’m just not gonna be happy ), is to post an entry out of my journal, word for word, just to share with you my growth process as I was going through rehab.

If you are considering rehab, I think this will really really benefit you.

To all of you, if you finish an entry and none of it makes sense, please ask me some questions.  If you don’t understand, then there is a GREAT possibility that someone else won’t understand.  If we pool our thoughts together, we can probably help that person.

So here we go…

Entry number one.  No date known for sure.

Spirituality came back in my life on Thursday, 2-28-08.  My insurance was going to discharge me but after praying with Dr. Ishee and praying to God that I stay the full 14 days, my prayers were answered.  Dad paid\loaned me the money to stay full term.

That’s it.  That’s the first entry.  Told you.  Some were short some were long.  I will fill you in a little on what I was talking about in that entry. I remember it well.

A lot of insurance companies will only pay for 3 days of “inpatient” rehab.  Long enough to get an alcoholic out of the dangers of detox.  Then, depending on what the Dr. says (and that apparently matters little), the insurance companies (as usual) decide who goes and who stays.

Well, guess what?  I was going to go home after only 3 days!  I was a nervous wreck.  I was in no way, ready to face the outside world at this point.  It had only been three days.  (I was wrong in the post where I mentioned the little blue pill.  They don’t give it to you for five days, it’s only 3.)

I will say though, that insurance would have paid for an outpatient type deal where you go to group meetings, but before and after the meetings, your on your own.  That was not for me.

Again, I was scared to death.  In tears.  I remember the pain in my chest.  There was more fear that day than any day I can recall before or since.  I NEEDED to stay the 14 days.  Otherwise, I would have went back to my home, my hell hole with the devil himself waiting for me to return so we could continue our lives together.  I felt I was not strong enough to go back.

Some were happy as a lark to get out in 3, they were usually the ones that were forced into rehab.  But, I digress.

God answered my prayers.  My folks (I LOVE YOU GUYS!), who have always stood beside me, helped me stay the 14 days.  Hence the return of my spirituality.  Hence my relationship with God started the explosion process and it has grown into what it is today.  I’m sure it’s all because of that one single itty bitty day.  that one little pebble in my path.  That one conversation with God to remove that pebble.

Well, what do you think?  Any questions brewing (no pun intended) in your head?  Shall I post another next week? Be honest.

Because of HIM

SC

See the rest of the Rehab Reflections series.

1. Rehab Reflections: God Answers Prayers!
2. Rehab Reflections: Out With The Old And In With The New
3. Rehab Reflections: You Can Walk With Me?
4. Rehab Reflections: The Final Entry – What a day
   

I’m really liking The-One Minute Writer blog, but sometimes I just can’t write for just a minute.  For something that requires little writing, it sure brings up a lot of words.  Today’s prompt is Write about an item you own that isn’t worth much money but has great value to you. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to share this with you and I’m sure it will take more than a minute.

THE SETUP

But first, I need you to go back with me.  Back to probably March 1, 2008.  Close your eyes…wait…that won’t work.  Aw, just read on….

Today was probably the actual first day of rest of my life.  I had been in rehab since Feb 25th, but never…clear headed.

“Why Scott?”

THE STORY

Well, one of the first things they do when checking in, after getting poked and prodded and squeezed and questioned, is to give you a little blue pill.  This little blue pill is used to keep us relaxed and our nerves down as we start our detox process.  Keeps the blood pressure regulated.  All in all a good thing.

It also has a tendency to make you feel reeaaallllyyyyy good, you just don’t remember feeling reeaaallllyyyy good.  In case your wondering, it’s Valium.

For 5 days they give you one of these pills before each meal.  So, just as one wears off, the other picks up and you go back to that zombie state.  I’m telling ya, you can tell the new arrivals from the ones that have been there for a while.  Just picture a zombie, and there you have the new guy/gal.  Kinda funny picture in my head, but hey, I was one too.  Not poking fun.

So, today was the first day that I wake up and don’t have the luxury of receiving this little blue pill.  The first day where I have to make it without any substance to kick this habit.  Clear headed.  The beginning.

After a normal day of group meetings, night has fallen, and it’s the first chance that I get to leave the campus.  The first day I go on the other side of “the gate.”

I leave the safety zone.

The first day I venture out into the real world.

The first day I taste of life on the “outside.”

The day I enter the danger zone.

No, I don’t go alone.  There is a van load of us.  But still, there was something eerie about leaving that night.

Anyway, we go as a group to AA meetings.  This was my very first AA meeting.

THE MARK

The two images you see below are pictures of the 24 Hour Chip. This is the signal for a desire for a new life for the recovering alcoholic.

Front

Back

This is my mark for my new life.

It’s probably not worth any more than a penny, as you can probably get them for a dime a dozen.

But, to me, it’s more valuable than all the gold in Fort Knox. So don’t offer to buy it.

SC