The myelogram and CT Scan went off without a hitch on Monday.  I’ve not heard any results as of this writing, but I have left a message with the Dr.’s office to call me back with the results.

The procedure was, well, different.  It wasn’t necessarily a painful procedure, but the couple of days after have been less than desirable.  I say “that painful” because it was a bit uncomfortable.  I mean, I had someone poking a needle in my back and pushing some foreign liquid into my spine.  Not the most friendly thing I could have had done.

The Procedure-Pre-Op

Like they always do, I had to have some blood taken.  I made the mistake of letting the nurse know that it was my birthday and that she better take it easy on me.  I’ll keep my mouth shut one day.

After I had told her this, she yelled across the room to another nurse, “Bring me a butterfly, please!”  Not knowing what a “butterfly” was in nursing terms, I asked.  She, not so quietly said, “It’s a little baby needle.”

Great.  Now the whole world, or the part of the world that was in that area, knew I was a wimp.  But I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt, at all!  I may have to tell the next person to want my blood that it’s my birthday.

Of course, the nurses were extra nice. We laughed and cut-up.  No pun intended.  My “clowning around” personality came through I guess.

The Procedure – Conflict

The next stop was the X-ray room.  Considering I kind of knew what was about to happen, I still wasn’t all that worried or nervous, which worries me and makes me nervous.

The first item up for business was the explanation of the process and where they were going to be focusing the tests.  My cervical spine, aka the neck, is the only location they were going to be scanning.

This bothered me because I just don’t think the problem is in my neck.  I think it’s lower down, in my thoracic area.  We talked for a few minutes, I almost put the process off, the X-ray Tech called the Dr’s office to confirm that this is what he was waning, it was, so I did.

The Procedure

They had me lie down on the x-ray table, face down and they had these should rests that I had to make sure my shoulders were firmly placed against.  Why?  I’ll tell you shortly.

Some dude in a white coat then comes in to do the poking.  He told me that I needed to lie still and that I was going to feel a sting.  These guys amaze me.  He was right to a certain extent.  I wouldn’t so much call it a sting though.  Stings, sting.  This kind of hurt pretty bad.

He was just applying the anesthetic.  Now, I’m not sure what the difference would have been had he not done this.  I’m thinking he has to use a needle in both instances so why not just do the do once?

Either way, he then told me I would feel pressure.  Spot on.  I then may feel some tingling and some discomfort in my legs, head and pressure in my ears.  Pretty much spot on.  Pretty much. As quickly as he came, he was done and the dye was in.

Now, they were going to be scanning my neck but they stuck the needle and inserted the dye in my lower back.  “How does that work?” you say.  Remember the shoulder rests?

It was at this point that they tilted the table so that I was head down which allowed the dye to run from the lower back to my neck.  Turns out it’s easier to insert things into the spine from the lower back.  The vertebrae aren’t as close together down there.

I could feel the dye running up my back and it was at the point it reached my shoulder area that the majority of the pain I experienced happened.  It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin that spread out to both of my shoulders.  No, I don’t know how that actually feels but I have an idea now.  I thought maybe that was where the problem was with my back.  Maybe it had leaked out and they would see the actually problem causing so much pain.  I didn’t like this part at all and they didn’t seem too concerned, so I quit crying.

The rest of the process was pretty dull.  They took a few x-rays while I was in there.  Moved me to various positions.  No big deal.

Next was a log-roll onto a gurney where I went for a ride to get the CT scan.  I log-rolled to that table, some scans done, and then I was in the recovery room for the next hour, I was told it would be an hour anyway.

The Procedure – Post-Op

Fourty-five minutes later, I was laying in the recovery room on a table that was inclined to get the dye to again move back down to my neck.  They had to perform another scan.

What does this mean?  Why are they doing ANOTHER scan?  I’m not sure.  My thoughts were that they found something and needed to get another look.  Or maybe I moved and they didn’t get a good scan the first time.  I’m sticking with the first thought.

The recovery at home was worse than the actual process.  A lot of discomfort in my lower back and it’s taken a couple of days now to get back to some sort of comfort level.

Anyway, not sure what the tests will show.  I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Conclusion

If you are ever told that you will need the procedure, don’t worry about it.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

For the first part of this series go visit A Hit on an Old Thought

Let Me Explain

I’ve heard the phrase “You are what you think” and I’m still struggling with whether I believe that or not.  I suppose there is, or can be, a lot of truth to it.  After this three part series I’ll be posting another thought that goes along with that same phrase.  I suppose I’m talking myself into believing it.

Looking back, “You are what you think” is a reason that I am better off out of the rooms than in them.  I don’t know about you, but often my thinking gets me in states of mind that I’d just soon not be in.  While I was in the rooms a common saying that I would hear was “Stinkin thinkin” and the thought was as alcoholics, when we start thinking our alcoholic thoughts, we are just getting that much closer to drinking, again.

But of all the good that came from this “You are what you think” I think more harm (re-reading now and harm may not be the choicest of words) can be done than good.  We introduce ourselves as alcoholics when speaking.  That’s nothing you’ve not heard about or seen on TV.  The stories we tell are centered around alcohol and all of the bad things that it did in our lives.  Even a lot of the private conversations were centered around this same thing.

I was always thinking about my disease.

Therapy

This was very therapeutic, don’t get me wrong.  In it’s basic form it kept me on my toes and also remind me that I’m not alone in my struggle.  It gave me a chance to shine.  It made me feel good about myself.  If not good at least I didn’t feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.

I don’t know how it works.  I don’t know how talking about something that had consumed me for so long helped me to overcome that something.  But, it worked.  It has worked for others for years.  It will continue to work.  And it works in other areas of addiction, it’s not just for alcoholics.

There came a time when I think I just got tired of the therapy. 

Even after hearing all of the horror stories of relapse from those who had quit going to their meetings, quit staying in touch with their sponsors, and struck out on their own doomed for failure because of “stinkin thinkin”, I was ready to move on.  Ready to stop thinking about this demon, alcoholism, all the time.  Ready for a different type of therapy.

Just so you know

I am still aware of several things.  Yes, I’m an alcoholic.  No, I can never forget that.  I don’t have to discuss it constantly to be aware of that.  No, I will not be able stay sober on my own.

Next post I will let you know how I’m doing it.  I’ll fill you in on my current therapy.  If you’ve been around here very long at all, I’m guessing you already have a pretty good idea how.

Because of HIM

SC

I know I’ve written about this, or something very similar.  Sometime something someone (lot’s of somes there) says in conversation sparks the same old thoughts I’ve had in the past, yet my views or answer may have changed a tad.

I’m not sure if this change is because of maturity, a cleaner head, better thinking or what.  All I know is I’ve had this thought in my head for a bit over a month now and I feel a need to share it, again.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my head and it’s one of those thoughts that may help you, or someone you know, in the future.

First Things First

Let me first say right off that AA and what it does for folks and what it did for me is something along the lines of fantabulous.  The AA program, I think, is one of those programs, and I hate to use the word program here, that has really made and continues to make a huge change in the lives of many which causes a change in the world. 

That world may only be as large as the family that is directly affected by alcoholism but to some that is the only world they have.   AA changes that world for that one person and yes I think that the result is something borderline miraculous.  Not so sure I wouldn’t call it a miracle now.

So, if you are walking into the rooms daily, hang in there.  My hats off to you.  My hats off to all those who keep it going.  I hope for the lives of so many others that will need it in the future that AA will be around for years to come.  I hate, HATE, the reason it has to be around but that mess is never going to go away.

Let’s Get Physical

As I said earlier, this thought resurfaced a month or so ago and I have had lots of time to think about it.  I had someone say they were concerned that I was no longer attending my recovery groups and they wanted to know why.

Now is where I get a bit nervous in my writing.  Now is the point where my stomach starts to cramp from the dread and the worry.  I hope that none of you in the rooms take this personally.  The following is only my opinion.

This is one of the reasons I am glad I no longer attend AA meetings.  I’ll fill you in again on what I’m doing instead of AA because there is a method to my madness…..sometimes.

I think if I were still going to AA meetings regularly, and by regularly I mean no less than 3 times a week, then I really think my life and my lifestyle would not be what it is today.  I honestly don’t think, for me, that it would be anywhere near as good as what I have today.  And that isn’t much.

End of Part 1

Well it looks as though if I kept going this post would turn into a novel.  I’m going to have to break this up into two, possibly three, posts.  I know how much you guys enjoy that. 

Next post I’ll have more room to do my explaining.  More than likely the third post will finish up and I’ll again fill you in on what I’m doing in my life to make me feel that way.

I hope you’ll come back and visit.

Because of HIM

SC

photo by alicepopkorn

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt. - Unknown

Hey there!  It’s Monday! Woo Hoo!  This week I’m going to start something a little different and see how it works out for me. I think I’m going to like it, a lot.  I hope it works for you as well and you too enjoy these days.

I’ve looked over the past few weeks worth of posts and it seems that Mondays are my “Spiritual Thoughts” day.  So.  Guess What?  Mondays are going to be my official weekly Spiritual Thoughts posts day (that seemed a bit redundant…oh well). Not that I don’t have these thoughts all week. I do.  Very strong, daily.

I’m not sure how long this ‘series’ will go, but I don’t have an end anywhere in sight so it could be forever.  And I’m quite OK with that. So, without further ado, let me start with this thought.  Why I think this is important and see if I can keep my thoughts steered toward those fighting an addiction.  Most likely there will be something for us all though.  If your offended by God or Christianity, WE are sorry.  Talk to me.

SELFISHNESS

Let me preface by saying, I’m trying to overcome this trait.

Personally, I am one selfish character.  I know that. A lot of my demons that I fight today make themselves known through selfishness.  If I want something, I am going to get it, or make everyone around me miserable; not too mention how miserable I will be IF I don’t get that thing that I want.  It’s a vicious cycle. Turns out, it usually works against those things that I want. I still struggle with that point daily.

Anyway, an addiction has a lot to do with this lovely demon, selfishness.  I had to get my alcohol to make myself happy regardless of what it did to others that I came in contact with.  Those “others” most likely didn’t have a clue why I did what I did, but I knew. I knew why I wasn’t going out. I knew why I had to get home before 9:00.  I knew why I didn’t want to see my folks.  Because I had to make myself happy regardless of who would be destroyed by the decision. And I’m sure some relationships were destroyed.  They will be made known to me.

I’ve said it before and I’ve heard it in the rooms.  An alcoholic is all about self-will run riot.  We can, and will, do whatever we want without the help or thought of others.

THERE IS SOMEONE GREATER

Step 2 from the AA 12 step program: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

“Woe, now Scott….!”

I hear ya.  For someone with an addiction to say that there is something better, greater.  Man.  It is tough.  I feel it’s a necessity to be able to fight off the demons in your life and to get you over the fence and into the light.

They don’t specify God in the AA program.  Just a higher power.  That works for a lot of addicts.  You would be surprised what some higher powers are to some folks, and there is not a thing wrong with that I don’t think. Anything to fight off this addiction and get back a life is worth it.

This idea worked for me for a short while, until I realized that my Higher Power was indeed God.  Always will be.  Used to be myself or Bud Light, but that didn’t get me very far.  It’s the main reason that I stopped attending the AA meetings.  I just couldn’t sit there and hear folks mention that their Higher Power helped them with this or that situation.  I suppose that in itself was a bit of selfishness, but I must draw the line somewhere.

YOU MEAN THAT’S IT

It really is harder than it sounds.  I promise you though, once that connection is made, your life will do a complete 180 and you end up like me…um…that might be bad though…eh.  What I meant was, happy to wake up everyday, getting down on your knees (very humbling!) and thanking God for getting you through the night.  Thanking God for not letting yourself drink the day before.  Asking God to help you not drink this next second.  It truly is wonderful to have him around.  I can’t describe it really.

He is my best friend and my guide.

Because of Him

SC