This is the fourth and final part of this series. You can go here to see part 1 and here to see part 2 and here to see part 3

Image via Wikipedia

I said in my previous post that I finally started to get IT.  IT being “Family of God.”  The church was going to be my place of refuge.  The

place where, as a family, I was going to “get my AA.”  After all, the church is where I was going to go and be able to talk to whomever about whatever problems were ailing me.

I mean, that is what the “Family of

God” is there for, right?

Well, I guess I’m thinking that I’m not getting the same results from the Church as I would/could be getting from attending an A.A. meeting.  For one, on Sunday mornings there are so many “strangers” in our midst, you know, the family members that you only see once a week, that it’s hard to get comfortable enough to say some things that need to be said.

The Sunday morning/Sunday night/Wednesday night members, the ones that I see at each worships service, are the family members.  I feel that even with some of those brothers and sisters I can’t be comfortable talking for fear of being considered “a Sinner” or “no faith.”

So, for those reasons, it’s hard to get everything that I need from the Church.  There may be others that I’m not thinking about. I know there are some of you that I attend church with.  This is not meant to be a roast and nothing has happened to me personally that has caused these thoughts.  They are just my thoughts, period.

There are exceptions to the rules.  There are Brothers and Sisters that I can talk to comfortably.  And that is great.  I’m sure that a lot of this is just mental because it’s just not something that we do in the Church.  I’m also not blaming anyone but myself for this.  But can I change anything?

I’ve made the statement to some about how the church should be the place we also call Sinners Un-Anonymous.  I or anyone else should be as comfortable in the walls of the church building as I am in the walls of an AA meeting.  Because, regardless of what some think (and no this is just a general statement) just because I’m an alcoholic in recovery, I am no better or worse than ANYONE else in the room.  I should be comfortable enough to state that in any setting and also to use that to make others in attendance feel comfortable being there and being able to talk to me…whew.

Off my soapbox.  Sorry about that.  I got a little bit way off topic.

I don’t think I’ve answered the question, why don’t I go back to AA meetings?  Well, I still have faith that soon I will be in the company of my Brothers and Sisters and I WILL be able to get and give everything necessary to fight the demons of my world and your world, from inside the walls of the church building.  I can also get coffee, candy, and conversation from church as well.

Well, I’m expecting questions.  I think I have helped myself with these 4 posts and maybe I’ve helped you as well.  At the same time, I feel I’ve left a lot of questions unanswered.  That is where you come in.  Please, if you have any questions, please ask.  Who knows, it could be YOUR question + my answer that helps the next pair of eyes that read this.

Hope I didn’t rant and rave to much for ya.  Thanks for reading!

Because of HIM

SC

photo by viki3412

Wow!  Been a while since I’ve been here.  I’ve missed being around you guys.  I do appreciate you hanging around during your busy schedules.  I’m glad to be back!

I’ve had  a wonderful time this Christmas.  Getting back in touch with the holiday and what it truly meant.  It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a loving, wonderful, Christmas.  I wish it were Christmas everyday!  Most people seem so happy.

I know there are those who didn’t have such a great Christmas.  Life doesn’t stop because of the season.  I just hope that if you are one who had one of those bad life moments this past week, that you will turn to your friends, your family, those that love you, and to God for understanding, comfort, and care.  I’m here as well if you need an ear.

I’m going to share with you the highlight of my Christmas this year.  I hope that you too, will share with us your highlight.

For mine, we need to go back to November.  I don’t remember what day it was, but the kids had went shopping with the Grandparents.  I remember them coming home and my 10 year old was crying.  My 13 year old had a scowl on her face.  Something was up, I just didn’t know what it was yet.

I asked my son, the 10 year old, what was the matter with him.  He was all distraught and said that he and his sister had bought me a present for Christmas.  But now she wasn’t going to say it was from both of them, She was just going to say it was from her.

He was just tore all to pieces.  I could see the hurt on his face.  In his eyes.

I asked my daughter what was going on and she said that he had told her that he wanted to buy his own thing for me.

I’m sure they were fussing about something when all of this went down.  But, she stuck to her word.  He asked about it quite often only getting the same answer from her.  The worry and hurt would again start over for him.  I’m not sure which was more prevalent, the worry or the hurt.

Well, Christmas morning came.  We gathered in the living room and I handed the kids their gifts.

My daughter then handed me the gift and she made it a point to say “This is from me and him.”

Oh, you should have seen the joy in my 10 year old’s face.  In this quite, calm, voice he said “Thank you Ali.” and looked at her with a look of love that I don’t see very often between the two of them.

That was my biggest and bestest Christmas present this year.  It would seem that some of the stuff I am teaching both of them seems to be taking hold.  My daughter had the heart to let her brother in on the prize, and my son showed so much gratitude that they both made my heart melt.

Then, just with a snap of the finger, Christmas is over.  It is but a memory.  But it truly is a memory that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

Because of HIM

SC

I had an interesting conversation with myself, like you do, and me and I went down memory lane.  We went way back to 8th grade (my daughter is in 8th grade which I suppose is why I was thinking about this) and progressed through all the stupid things that we did in school.  And then through college.  We tried to figure out why?  You know, together, we just couldn’t come up with “THE” answer.  I never did think myself was very smart.  

Thing is, when I was in school, I didn’t know who myself was.  I think I wanted to be what all the other “cool” kids were and myself was no where around.  When I needed to fit in somewhere.  When I wanted to fit in somewhere.  It was always I and not myself.  

You see, for years and years (I’m sorry Terry, Dan, Chris, Ya’ll know who you are I honestly mean no harm whatsoever) I never blamed myself for living the lifestyle that I was living.  It was always my friends fault.  I smoked because my friends smoked, I drank because my friends drank, I stole (jeez, sorry mom and dad if your reading this, no mom, if you call and ask me what I stole I’m prolly not gonna wanna talk about it) because they smoked.  It was their fault.  Yet, I still loved hanging around them, even after college.  Why?  Cause I was fitting in. Being what they wanted me to be.  Never myself.  

So fast forward a little.  Who do you think suddenly had no control over his life?  Yep I.  Whose fault was it? Nope, not myselfs.

I really stuggled with this.  It was very hard for I to tell myself that it was his fault.  (Ok..i’m stopping with the I myself stuff, I’m getting confused)  It was very hard for me to accept the fact that everything, and I mean everything that happened to me in my life was MY FAULT!  Do you know how hard it is for an alcoholic to say those things? No?  Ask one.  

“Scott, how hard is it for for an alcoholic to admit self-guilt?”

Well, friends, I’m so glad you asked.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to tell myself.  But you know what?  After I made that statement to myself, myself really started to come out of the shell that he was hiding in for probably ever. 

(sorry had to answer the phone…where was I)

Oh, yeah..Shell…right, thanks…right now I think I’ve just got an arm and maybe a leg out of the shell.  Testing the ground that I have never felt.  Makeing sure that it’s stable and I’m not going to sink.  It’s scary starting over.  It’s tough trying to expose myself.  It’s a process.  But ya know, it’s fun learning.  Again, I’m having such a blast!  Quite possibly the most fun I’ve had with myself in a long time.  Hush.

I still love my friends and my family to death.  There is no way on earth that I will ever want to change anything about the way I grew up.  It has made a caring, loving myself out of I (sorry..had to do it) Looking back and thinking what all they were put through at my expense.  Because I’m a selfish person.  Because I wanted what I wanted and if I didn’t get it (I’m still this way a bit) I was gonna kick and scream until I did. And they are still telling me how proud of me they are or things of that nature.  I’m humbled and almost overwhelmed.  

Thanks to all of you friends.  Old ones and new ones.  It’s because of ya’ll that I am who I am today…no..wait…I didn’t mean like I’m trying to fit in with ya’ll.  I meant..oh never-mind.  I’m getting my own identity.  I hope I don’t become a completely different person, yet I do. 

SC