Image by angelsk via Flickr

It’s been a really rough/tough year.  The bulging disc I have in my neck has caused pain that has pretty much taken over life.  It has been hard to do anything because the pain is so prominent.  Even writing here on the blog has been tough, as you can tell from my absence.  I have desires to write, but those desires soon gets taken over by the pain and I don’t want to do anything but make it go away.  I’m hoping that gets resolved soon because I really miss writing and doing other things that I like and finding new things that I don’t know that I like.

Some may not know this, but on Jan 6th at noon, I’ll be going under the knife.  A 45 minute surgery to perform a disc fusion in my neck.  I’m ready for it.  I’m beyond ready to get rid of this pain and get some normalcy of life back.  Including writing and everything else I’ve been wanting to do.

So, I’ve been thinking.  Scary, I know.  If you are just starting recovery and you feel on top of the world, let me warn you.  You are going to experience life’s hardships.

The first year of my recovery I can remember how great everything was.  I felt invincible almost.  It was a feeling like I had reached the pinnacle of life and I could handle anything that came at me.

During the second year, reality struck and life hasn’t been so easy.  Reality being that I’m not even close to invincible.  Situations ARE going to come up that I have absolutely zero control over.

Situations have occurred where I knew that I needed to listen to God and let him take control.  I’ve really struggled with those situations the most.  Mainly because I want control.  Even if I tell myself and tell God that I’m letting him have it, I can’t keep my paws off of it.  It’s selfishness, and us alcoholics thrive on it.  One hundred percent of the time, those situations don’t go away and often they get worse.  Still, I want control.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not real sure how we are supposed to let go of it.  So, I’ve been trying to figure that out within the last quarter of this year.  It’s a work in progress.

I’m so glad that during that first year of recovery I worked hard on my new foundation.  I’m glad that I had taken so much time recognizing that God is my rock.

I shutter to think how much different this year could have been had I not done exactly everything that I did during the first year.  I would be lying if I said that during this rough time I’ve never had a thought about alcohol.  There have been times where it would have been so easy to give in.  But, I thank God that I was given the chance to build my relationship with him.  It’s because of that, that I didn’t let any of those thoughts hang around and I didn’t act on any of them.

For your recovery’s sake, if you don’t believe in God, find your higher power and sink as much time as you can into recognizing just how powerful and wonderful and great it is.  I do pray that you will soon see that, that higher power is God.  For now though, just don’t do life on your own.

As I have been writing this, the “pink cloud” keeps coming to mind.  During my first year, I heard this cloud mentioned so many times and had no clue what folks were talking about.  Now, I realize that during part of that first year I was riding the pink cloud.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by Denis Collette...!!! via Flickr

As most of you already know, during the P.M. service on Sunday 9/27/09, I was given the opportunity to share The Word of God with my church family here in my home town.   That’s exactly right…I preached for the Lord!

I had done this in the past.  Back when I was a teen, 20+ years ago, we were given the opportunity every so often to lead the evening services.  We being the youth group.  I had preached several times but my last sermon that I gave was horrific.  Horrific because I didn’t prepare…at ALL. I was only given a month to prepare too!  Ugh!

Talk about embarrassment.  My talk may..MAY have lasted 3 minutes and the subject that spoke about was “Not Being Prepared.”  I was able to throw that together in about 2 minutes.  The subject was appropriate considering.  I learned from that experience, no doubt.

I felt like such a failure after that and vowed that I wouldn’t preach or even head down that track, period.  How could I ever show my face in the pulpit there again?

Fast-Forward to a Wednesday at beginning of September, 2009 and I receive a phone call from our minister.  He left me a voice-mail which I promptly returned….on Friday.

When I returned his call,  it was then that he asked if I wanted to preach the following Sunday.  We both decided that I wouldn’t have enough time to prepare.  We did, however, set a date of the 27th for me to preach.

I don’t remember hesitating when he asked if I would want to.  See, I’ve been praying for this door to be opened and I didn’t miss it when it was!

I was nervous, but it was an excited nervous.  Not like nervous as a teen before presenting my lesson.

Needless to say,  I had 2 or 3 weeks to prepare and did I ever!  I had been thinking about fear for quite sometime and had even written a post, Faith and/or Fear, about my on-going thoughts on fear.  I was also able to talk about fear and experience fear at the same time, while I was speaking. 

I fulfilled one vow that I had made as a teen.  I didn’t show my face in the pulpit.  Nope.  I preached down on the floor, closer to the folks that were there.

While I was speaking, it didn’t take long for the nerves to settle and this feeling of the Spirit taking over enveloped me.  I had heard it talked about, this Spiritual takeover, but this was the first time I had experienced it to this degree.  It was so amazing, so awesome, so…there are no words to describe it.  Blessed is all I can say.

I felt as comfortable standing up there delivering my message as I have ever felt doing anything.  That was one of, if not the, most rewarding experience of my life.

Oh well.  If I think of anything else I’ll do another post on it.  But what a blessed experience that was!

I’ve included a link to the audio if you are interested.  Just take it easy on me.  Remember, it’s the first time I’d done this in 20 years.  It will take approx 20 minutes of your time.

I welcome comments questions on the post and also on the sermon I presented.

Because of HIM

SC

Fear

Photo By ttarasiuk

The Fine Print

I  want you to know that I’m not telling you that I think if you are doing, these things that I stopped doing that I think you are less of a person or that I am in any way better than you.  I’m not saying that if you do x then you are a horrible person and aren’t worthy to be a Christian, or that I am against x, y, or z.  I’m just putting this out there to let you know what I did to build my relationship with God.  This isn’t the end-all answer to getting you a relationship with God.  Understand?

I read a post over on the blog, Halfway to Normal, and started to leave a comment for the author, Kristin.  About 15 minutes and 200 words or so later, I decided that I would take my comment and turn it into a post of my own.  So, this is my comment to the post “When I’m not feeling very faith-full”.  Oh, you should really subscribe to her blog.  Really.  I’m not joking.

All of what is below here has helped me during my times of struggle.  From dealing with my issues with back-pain that is so over-powering at times, to dealing with past cravings, to dealing with just life in general.  Doing these things have kept me as close to God during the bad times as I am during the good times.  It has kept me on the straight and narrow during all 4 of the bold items that is listed at the end of her post.  Stress, out-of-routine, starting to lose sight, and when I’m just tired, I know that God is right here and I’ve not forgot him for 1 second.

So, Kristin, here ya go (and the rest of you guys and gals too)

So, how did I build my relationship with God?  Well, how do we build a relationship with people? For me, I used the very same building materials to build my relationship with God.  That’s right, Facebook and Twitter.  No, totally kidding.

Time

Not just time when it was convenient for me, but all the time I had and could. And sometimes even more than that.

Watching

I started out with one of the hardest things for me to do. I turned off my TV at a set time per night.  It really depended on which night it was and what show was on that determined at what time I would be turning it off. 

My “favorite” shows I watched while they were on.  Mostly because that was what my selfishness wanted to do.  Secondly because the shows were something that we talked about in our leisure time at work.

Seems like there was at least one hour nightly that I just “had” to watch TV.  The remainder of the night was usually just shows that I enjoyed and had watched since they premiered, but it wasn’t too much of a sacrifice for me to record them and watch them at another time.  Nights that I didn’t have a favorite show coming on is when I would watch the shows that I had recorded, but only for an hour.

During the time that I would normally be watching TV, I went into a completely different room and I started praying. I would then read my Bible. No particular order of reading at first, but then I found a schedule to complete the Bible in a year. It gave me more of a plan and made it easier to sit down and read.  Praying and listening to God is without a doubt, the most important tool I have used to build my relationship.  I’ll talk about that more shortly.

Because of the closeness to God I was feeling while doing this, it wasn’t long before I started recording all of my shows and spending 3 or 4 hours a night in scripture, tweeting or talking to some fellow Christians that I had found.  Also praying, and reading spiritually uplifting books by such authors as Lucado and Yancey.

I looked through my DVR the other day and it is now out of recording space, or very, very close to it, and I had deleted the “not favorite” shows from the device and the schedule in the past to make room for my favorites.  It is now full of almost an entire season of Lost, House, Heroes, The Office, and another one that I can’t remember now.  I haven’t watched those shows in a very long time. 

Guess how much I miss my “favorite” shows?  Absolutely none.  In fact, if I watch something now while doing other chores, I begin missing my time with God.  And I miss him way more than I ever missed watching the TV.

What’s that?  Oh, yeah, Now that I’ve got this amazing relationship God, I do turn the TV on every now and then.  I may catch something on Discovery or The History Channel or something while doing laundry or vegging.  But, it’s not on for very long before I start desiring to be in my bedroom reading, praying, or listening to God, then the TV goes off or I just leave it on and head back. Many nights at 7PM have I locked up the house, turned the lights off in the front of the house, and spent the remaining time in devotion or talking with fellow Christians.  I can’t imagine doing anything else really.

Praying

I love talking to God.  Praying and having a conversation with God is very rewarding.  And just like you can’t build a relationship with me without talking to me, you can not build a relationship with God without talking to him.  I mean talking to him.

This took some getting used to.  Sad to say that, I know, but it’s true. 

Like you probably already do, I was praying morning and night.  First thing up, last thing before going to bed.  But, as I spent time with him and not the TV, I wanted to spend more time with him during the day, at work, at play, wherever I happened to be.

I began having little prayers at lunch, little prayers between jobs, and it soon became as natural as talking to you, to talk to him just sporadically throughout the day.  I mean, he is God, and he is always there, right?  So, like I would with anyone that I was around that I had a relationship with, I talked to God. 

If I was frustrated I would tell him and ask him to help.  If I was feeling good about something that I had just completed, He would know about it first.  He would get the thanks for helping me through it. 

He was and is my Father and became my best Friend.

Listening

What I chose to listen to has bounced around quite a bit.  I may have gone on a stretch where I could listen to just about anything, except country. Yuck!  Then there were times when I didn’t like any of the music that was out there and I would listen to talk radio.

For the past several years it was talk radio.  Not all the time, but a majority.  I didn’t realize how that even affected my day.  I was getting a constant fill of the world and it was so depressing and aggravating.  I had to change.

I changed back to music, but changed to Contemporary Christian or to the heavier Christian Rock.  It was a little bit like worship, all the time. The music made me feel better.  There are songs that I can sing while driving or whatever, and sing them to God and I can feel it in my soul. 

No more of the worldly stuff.  I’m out of touch with the news.  I have been for a while.  But like the TV, it’s not really affecting me in any way.  At the same time, the music in it’s own way, is building up that relationship.

I also download several Podcasts from different churches and listen to those quit a bit.  Again, it’s healthy for my Spirit which keeps me in touch with God.

Reading

I’ve also really started reading, a lot.  I told earlier of a couple of the authors that I read.  But there are tons more.  I went through the bargain bin at Family Christian Bookstore one day a month or two ago and purchased 15 books.  Good books with uplifting words and thoughts.  Varying subjects on building faith, building self, other’s who have struggled with God only to turn their life over to Him.  Not the violence or language that I don’t need going in my head, dragging me down.  I still have 7 of those to read, 2 of which each contain 3 different books.

Even the reading has helped me in my relationship building.  Makes my mind think.  It puts different ideas in the ol’ noggin about certain things that I had always thought of a particular way.  Sure, I had to use discernment, but We grew from those books.

Morning devotions also really starts the day right.  I’ve been missing out on those because of all the sleep/pain/mess issues that I’ve been having.  I can really tell a difference in my day too.  These devotions are just praying, reading, and thinking (meditating) on God’s word.

Conclusion

Do I do all of this, perfectly?  Not a chance.  There are days that I’m off, but I still know that God is there beside me.  If I need him all I have to do is talk to him. 

There are nights that I will spend too much time doing chores and oh, yeah, watching TV.  But there aren’t many. 

Let me say this then I’ll hush.  I can almost hear you saying, “Scott, there is absolutely no way I can do that.”  We like our schedules the way they are.  I know. I was there too.  I’ve heard others talk about this ‘”stuff” in the past and I thought the very same thing.  I’m telling you that If I can do it, you can do it.  It won’t take long to get your schedule re-arranged.  I promise you that you will feel so much closer to God.

It will just take time.

Because of HIM

SC

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. –Matthew 7:7

I don’t have a lot of money.  It is the biggest reason going back to school isn’t happening.  I talk of faith in God and just doing what he says, and yet, here I am not in school. 

Just go.  Just take that step.  He’ll take care of you.  Fear keeps my feet firmly planted where they are. 

I’ve written a lot of want to’s. Want to go to school.  Want to continue my education.  Want to. Want to. Want to.  In fact, I’m sure some of you are probably about ready to choke me.  I would be.

Wasn’t long ago I even emailed Liberty University.  They let me know, in a way, that I need to get my transcripts together.  I started to do that.  Still want to go.

I still get emails from LU.  Emails wanting me to attend various webinars, or those “last chance” emails.  Last chance to sign up for such and such semester.  I don’t take them seriously. I’m still stuck here wanting to go. 

Even this past week I received an email from LU.  This one was pertaining to a webinar about the psychology program that they have.  Know what I did?  I put it on my calendar.  Yep.  Amazing huh?

See, the last few weeks it’s been just worrying me to no end.  Lot’s of thoughts about going back to school.  Lots.  Lots.  I was at wits end.  I had no money to even think about it.

I got that email about the webinar and something changed.  God used that moment, that second, that email to open the door wider than I’ve ever witnessed it as it pertains to what he wants me to do as far as school goes.  I responded to the email.

I responded about my fears.  My age.  My current degree.  My lack of knowing what the first step was and asked someone at LU to help me with my first step.  As I hit send I prayed.

Wasn’t 2 hours later I get a reply!  Thanking me and letting me know that my first step was the email.  The second thing I needed to do was send in my application to LU with the attached waived application fee!  God provided!

I’m not going back for Psychology though.  It’s not what He is wanting me to do.  Not going to major in counseling either, though I will minor in Christian counseling.  I plan to obtain my Bachelor of Science in Religion. 

I hear you skeptics, “Scott, you still have to have money to get your degree.”

Maybe.  But you know I’m not worried a bit about it.  There is no worry at all about this.  Nervousness? Yes.  Excitement? You better believe it.  It’s still a HUGE step.  But, I’m not in control of this at all.

After much praying.  After much thought.  After much debating.  This is the door that God has opened for me and I stepped through it.

What lies ahead?  What does the future hold?   I don’t know, but I’m so excited to find out. 

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever felt a huge need for something and prayed for it?

Have you ever had a pain that hurt constantly and prayed for it?

Have you ever had a sick family member and prayed for them to get well. Let’s make it a little more specific, maybe it wasn’t JUST a family member, let’s say it was a child or a parent. That might make you pray a little harder huh?

During these times, a large portion of  your time spent with God was probably telling God how much you needed, wanted relief, or really wanted your family member to get well.  Right?

There might be a hint of  guilt, feeling selfish, or lack of hope as we humbly, with all our might, pray for this situation to work out in our favor.  We ask our family members to pray.  Our friends to pray.  Our ministers to pray.  We do all that we can so that this issue gets “fixed”, but we want it in our favor.

That need that you were thinking of, after all the hard work you put into praying for it, did you get it?  If you didn’t, how did you feel?

How’s the pain?  If you’re still hurting, are you upset or maybe thinking you didn’t do something right?

This is the one that hurts; did the family member get well?  If that child or parent didn’t recover after all of your hard work trying to let God know your hopes, who did you get mad at or upset with?  Still hurts doesn’t it?  Some might still be questioning God and his decision to let this one pass.  You’re not alone.

In my opinion, if your heart was right, you did exactly as you should have.

A phrase struck me like a ton of bricks during my devotion with God this week.  It came from a man after God’s own heart.  I can’t get enough of reading about David.  All of his trials, his failures, his blatant sins and I still admire David.  I think even more so now.

A little bit of build up.  After David had committed his sin with Bathsheba, had her husband Uriah killed, and Nathan brought some sense back into David, it was time for him to receive his punishment. His punishment was not his death, but the death of the child that was born to him by Bathsheba.

After the child became ill, “David pleaded with God for the child.“  Here are some other things he did. Fasted, slept on the ground, and when the members of his house asked him to get up or to eat, David would have nothing to do with it.  For seven days he didn’t eat, slept on the ground, and he didn’t bathe.

Seventh day the child dies. We then see David moping around, wondering why this happened to him and Bathsheba.  He was more depressed and hurt than he was before, right?

NOPE!

He got up, washed, put on lotions, changed his clothes and then went to worship God.  Afterward he finally got him a bite to eat.  I gather from my reading that he totally confused the folks around him.  They were afraid to tell David that the boy had died because they were afraid “He may do something desperate.” As if.  Then they questioned him about why in the world was he acting the way he was now, and I want you to see David’s response:

²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”-2 Samuel 12:22-23

David thought, “Who knows?” Almost see David rolling his eyes as he says “Who knows?”  He didn’t know, but he had hope, and though the hope was dashed he didn’t let that lead him away.

Don’t stop praying for whatever you want.  Don’t stop praying for the pain to go away.  Don’t stop praying when a family member is sick. Why?

Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to you and give you what you are asking.

If he don’t, then don’t let that cause you to lose your faith.  God still loves you and will do great things through you.

Because of HIM

SC

It was majestic in beauty, with its spreading boughs, for its roots went down to abundant waters. – Ezekiel 31:7

It's a struggle

Look at it.  In order to make a difference this poor, some would call bad, thing had to persevere through growing between asphalt and brick.  Just a little crack was all it needed to begin it’s life.  But if you look, you’ll notice how tiring a trip it must have been.

It’s arms appear to be sprawled out seemingly from having  to push itself up through the crack.  Arching over as if it too has back problems after such a feat.  There seems to be  just enough moisture there to allow it grow.  Its leaves are already starting to wilt from the heat of the asphalt.

No matter.  It accomplished what it was set out to do.  Through the struggle of growing it has become a beautiful dandelion. Vibrant and full of color.  No less color than it would have had its seed fallen on the richest soil.  It lives, if only for a while.  But to live, it struggled.

I know, some of you are saying, “Um, Scott.  It’s a weed.”

To which I say, “No, it’s a dandelion.  It has a name.”

I feel like the dandelion, a lot.  Not that my growing was really all that tough.  I had a good upbringing.  My folks taught me the difference in good and bad, right and wrong.  They taught me who God was, who Jesus was, and they tried to instill in me the value of the Church.  No, not the building.  The building isn’t worth two cents compared to what the Church is.  Anyway, It was I who chose what I did and I chose unwisely, a lot.  I learned life the hard way.  I became and sometimes still feel like a weed.  But you know.  I’m not a weed.  I’m me. I have a name.

Look at me now.  Though I am medicated due to back pains and apparently getting older by the day, I still feel as alive and as beautiful as the dandelion.  (Is it ok for a guy to call himself beautiful???).

Sure, I could have picked better soil (lessons) to learn life through, but I’m not sure I would have been as beautiful and as full of hope as I am today.

I still feel like a weed at times.  But thanks to my God and my Saviour, I know that is not the case.  Jesus changed me from a weed to a very useful being on this earth.  He has made me more important than the earth I walk on, and I thank him daily.

Because of HIM

SC

UPDATE: My friend, Steve (@SteveGarufi) made an excellent comment in a tweet that I wanted to share here:

A weed to one person is another person’s flower!

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

But did God have to?

“Demonstrates” is the one word in that verse that brought on this thought.

Why couldn’t he have done like he did with Abraham?  Abraham showed how much he loved God by willingly taking his son, his only son, and prepared to sacrifice him to God.  But…

8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together. 9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied.

12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

There is no mention of thoughts, expressions, feelings.  Abraham’s last words to his only son was going to be “God will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.”  Not I love you Isaac.  Not I’m sorry Isaac.  Not, “Boy, be still! It’s for the best!” His words in my mind are calm.  Unemotional.  Did he question anything?

Wonder what was going through Isaac’s mind during all of this?  Did he squirm?  Were there tears streaming down his face as he lay there bound on top of a pile of wood?  Did he beg and plead for his life even though he knew what THIS was?  Even though he knew God was in control?

Fast forward a few years.

God’s only son was being beat.  He was being, not killed, but slaughtered.  My minister used that word in such a way that it has stuck in my mind.  Jesus wasn’t murdered.  That would have been a blessing to have just been murdered.  No. He was slaughtered worse than any lamb had been slaughtered.

I think we know what was going through Jesus’ mind during this time.  He was scared even before he was seized.  Scared bad.

And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.     – Luke 22:44

Did he feel betrayed?

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”–which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” – Matthew 27:46

Even during all of his cries for mercy, God could hear every single word that came from Jesus’ mouth.  He could hear the cries of anguish and pain. He could feel the pain pulsating through Jesus’ body. He heard the last loud cry (hear that..it was a LOUD cry.)

Unlike with Isaac though God didn’t cry out “JESUS! JESUS! CALL IT OFF!” But could he have?

Sure, I think so.  I mean, he is God.  But we would have never heard the words…

…IT IS FINISHED…  – John 19:30

With those three words, for us, it has only just begun.

I have a son.  I would give my life for my son.  How hard would it be to give my son’s, my ONLY son’s, life for you?  It is unfathomable.  I’m glad that it is finished.

Because of HIM

SC

I didn’t answer the question. I left it open for your comments.  I would like to hear your answer to “Did he have to?”

Romans 14:5—-5One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord

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I’m positive God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are in awe of all the talk and focus on it.  It’s another special day where  Jesus becomes the center of the thoughts of folks all over the world.  The other special day is of course Christmas.  Aren’t these days just magnificent?

What is going to happen on Monday when this weekend is over?

Please don’t get me wrong.  I know this day is set aside for this event. I gotta tell ya though, I hope that come Monday there is just as much excitement about Jesus, his birth, his life, his death, and his resurrection as there has been in recent days.  I hope that we as followers of Christ will continue with THE GREAT news with as much excitement, enthusiasm, and LOVE as we have tried to spread it this week.  Jesus, MY Savious, OUR saviour, deserves nothing less.  Did we deserve?

Because of HIM,

SC
Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection is THE best thing that has and will happen to me, to us.  It is just wonderful to see and hear so much talk about the greatest event in history during this Easter holiday weekend.

Nightly as I finish reading from The Word, feeding off The Word, I’ve had a feeling.  A feeling of fullness.  A feeling of….something.  Yeah, I’ve touched it before, but never like this.

Tonight after I had finished reading, Jesus said to me, “Scott son of Bobby, do you truly love me more than anything?”

“Yes, Lord,” I said, “you know that I do because I tell you so, daily.”

Jesus then said to me “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Scott son of Bobby, do you really love me?”

“Lord, you know that I do,” I replied, “You know that I do love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

Then a third time, a third night, “Scott son of Bobby, DO YOU LOVE ME?”

“Yes, Jesus.  Yes.  I love you. You know my heart and my soul is full of love for you,” I said.

He said, “Feed my sheep.”

And it’s hit me.  It’s hit me in the gut.

I have all this food that I have been storing up.  All so that I can feed his children.  My children.  Your children.  Any child that looks up to me as their example.  Yet, I am hoarding it.  Holding on to it waiting for the lambs to be brought to me.

I have this food.  I have my talents given to me by God.  I have wisdom gained through trials and tribulations.  All ready to be shared with God’s sheep to keep them in the herd.  Yet, again, I’m waiting for them to show up at my door.

I have this food, this knowledge gained, to feed and nurture God’s sheep.  I’m hanging on to it. Keeping it for myself.

Is it going to spoil?  Maybe the food isn’t prepared enough to feed the lambs or the sheep.  How will I know?

How does one begin to be like a shepherd?  I’ve never feed a lamb.  I’ve never taken care nor fed sheep.  I’ve always been fed.

I guess, I feel like I’m being called to do way more than I am doing.  I’m scared, still, to take a step.  Where do I step?  Which direction?  Do I just fall gracefully, landing on the step that was meant to be there?

I mentioned fear in the past, and you guys have told me to basically just do it.  I get pumped.  I get excited!  I say OK!  I lean to take a step and fear pulls me back again. The process starts over, and I hope I’m not boring you with my fear.  I’m new at all of this.

Some of you have taken those steps.  You know what it’s like to jump in the water.  I’m still standing on the diving board, observing.  I don’t know what the water is like.

Thanks for listening Oh, tonight I read John 21:15-25.  That’s where Jesus talked to me tonight.

Because of HIM

SC