I’m sitting here looking at this vast, empty, white space and wondering how in the world am I going to make my specTABulous re-entry into The Ever-Changing Thought.  After 2 months, I’m not even sure I can get back into my thoughts enough to be able to share the way I have in the past, not to mention not having the ability to write any longer.  I do miss it so I’ll just have to do the best that I can do.  Oh, and it’s probably not specTABulous either. 

The Quick Catch Up

Since February 7th, has a lot happened?  Not really.  The back still hurts and pain meds are a must.  I’ve had another MRI on my thoracic spine because the pain is still so bad.  Nothing showed up on the MRI so I’m not sure what the next step is.  The surgeon wanted me to do physical therapy, but I did 20 visits of that last year for the same issue and I’m not too excited about jumping into that, considering it didn’t help a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a myelogram.  Who knows.

I’ve celebrated year number 2 of my sobriety.  That was on February 25th.  I didn’t really do anything to celebrate it, but still very proud of this mark on my path.

Because the pain is still as persistent as it is, I don’t see me being able to hold down a normal 9 to 5 job.  I’m also putting going back to school off for another year.  I’m having too many bad days.  So, I’ve started my own business working out of my home, doing the same thing I’ve done for 16 years. 

I started Allistin Technologies as an IT consulting and support company for home and small to medium businesses.  Network support, computer support, installing, whatever needs to be done, whatever configuration of the network, I’m going to be offering support for whomever for those areas. i do have a Facebook fanpage, if you’re interested in becoming a fan, and also a website, that needs a bit of work.

Business is slow, still, but I’ve only advertised for 2 weeks.  I have been to several business’s handing out cards.  I think it’s going to be fine.  I hope.

I took my daughter to get her driving permit today.  She was very excited and she passed, only missing two of the questions.  I did let her drive my truck for a little while today.  She did very good and yes, I was a little nervous, but we made it through it just fine.  Just can’t believe it got here so quickly.

Things Aren’t What They Seemed

I may have shared this in the past, can’t remember.  Life just isn’t going the way I thought it was going to go when I was younger.  Not even close.  And that’s kind of bumming me out a bit.  It’s a heavy weight that’s keeping me down a little bit I think. 

I know, I have the choice to make my life the way I want it to be, there’s nothing I can’t do, make the best with what I’ve got. I know all of those words, it’s the actions, the “how-to’s” that I am really struggling with.  What’s worse is the slide I’m on seems to keep on going into some dark, dank, abyss.  It was a fun slide, at first, but I’m ready to get off it now.  Too many ups and massive drop-offs seem to be making me a bit sick.

I tell myself quite frequently, “I just want normalcy.”  When I then ask myself to define “normalcy” silly me just can’t seem to do that.  It becomes hard to want something you can’t define. Maybe what I’m in is “normalcy.”  My “normalcy.”  But, I don’t like my “normalcy” and I want something different.  Well, what do I want?  I don’t know. World peace?

I don’t know, y’all.  This whole being a human thing sure isn’t a lot of fun.  It’s hard, and I have little piddly problems that I don’t even like to call problems.  I can’t imagine if I really had problems.  Guess I better not try.  I’m 37 (almost) and I’m finally realizing what life is hard, is really.  Actually, I’ve kinda known it for almost a year, either way, I’m glad it’s not the only thing I have to look forward to.

Finally 

Look at me, rambling on about much ado about nothing.  One thing that makes me happy is this blog, these ever-changing thoughts of mine.  I’m goaling to be here more often.  Two, maybe three times a week for now so I’ll see ya around.  Don’t forget to catch me on Twitter or Facebook.

Until next time.

Because of HIM

SC

photo by me

The path of life leads upward for the wise to keep him from going down to the grave.

-Proverbs 15:24

A week or so ago I made a comment on a great post over at The Jungle of Life. The post was about believing in yourself. Taking on the knocks of life. Getting up after getting down. Since then I have thought a lot about this post and also (hope it doesn’t sound as if I’m bragging) my comment has made ME think about MYSELF.

I love it when that happens.  It seems the teacher always learns more than the students.

I would like to expound a little on my comment.  I’ll paraphrase a bit though.

KNOCKED DOWN? WELL GET YOURSELF UP!

First and foremost it is VERY important that you bounce back to your feet after life has dealt you a breathtaking blow.  A strong punch in the gut can bring you to your knees can keep you down for the count. The rocks of life will continue to pelt you as you lay there.  The roots of life will over take you, dragging you slowly into darkness.

Staying down will lead to nothing good.

A strong feeling of failure and fear awaits your future as you strive to meet your goals.

“I CAN’T DO IT!” will become one of the most used phrases in your vocabulary. You WILL become stuck in a vortex of nothingness and life will not get any better, only swirl slowly out of control.

THIS WAS ME

I remember back when alcohol was my control.  So many times I would sit in the darkness with only the glow of the TV for a light.  Crying to myself because I COULDN’T control this aspect of my worthless life.  Speaking to myself out loud, as I drew the alcohol to my lips, “Tomorrow!”, and then down the spout the demon would go.  Straight to my gut, straight to my brain, and I would wipe the tears away. I was so mad at myself.  How could this happen to ME!  This is THE last DAY this will happen.

The next day, alcohol depriving my brain of thoughts so clear, it would somehow trick me into forgetting that I was gonna stop visiting him today.  It would only remind me once I had purchased the bag-o-fun.  The same process would start over.  Crying.  “Tomorrow!”. Tears. Another punch in the gut. Another demon to take my legs away, landing me on my face over and over and over.

WHAT WENT WRONG

What I did after getting up is something I think we may all may practice. Maybe not.  Maybe it’s just me.  I strongly doubt it though. 

I was on my feet, however brief.  And you know what?  I was heading down the very same path I was on.  Starting over right where I fell. I didn’t have any regard for why I fell in the first place.  Soon, sometimes right after getting back up, I was back down on my face. Lower than I was previously. So excited to get to the end.

BUT DON’T FORGET

So, I’ve came to the conclusion that by all means, if life knocks you down YES. GET UP! Jump up if you want.  But, please, don’t forget to shake off the dust from your last fall.  Look back and determine what made you fall.  Why did you not see the rock, the stump, the limb, or the demon in your path?  Why in the world did you fall in the first place?

Once you’ve got that figured out, your much less likely to fall.  At least fall over the same thing.

I used to picture the path of life as a smooth, soft surface. Skipping on this path would be nothing but easy.  How far from the truth.  The path of life is bumpy, lumpy and stumpy.  If your traveling that path looking at the stars, your gonna end up on your face.

Most importantly.  Take God with you.  He knows the best way around the path.

SC