I’m sitting here looking at this vast, empty, white space and wondering how in the world am I going to make my specTABulous re-entry into The Ever-Changing Thought.  After 2 months, I’m not even sure I can get back into my thoughts enough to be able to share the way I have in the past, not to mention not having the ability to write any longer.  I do miss it so I’ll just have to do the best that I can do.  Oh, and it’s probably not specTABulous either. 

The Quick Catch Up

Since February 7th, has a lot happened?  Not really.  The back still hurts and pain meds are a must.  I’ve had another MRI on my thoracic spine because the pain is still so bad.  Nothing showed up on the MRI so I’m not sure what the next step is.  The surgeon wanted me to do physical therapy, but I did 20 visits of that last year for the same issue and I’m not too excited about jumping into that, considering it didn’t help a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a myelogram.  Who knows.

I’ve celebrated year number 2 of my sobriety.  That was on February 25th.  I didn’t really do anything to celebrate it, but still very proud of this mark on my path.

Because the pain is still as persistent as it is, I don’t see me being able to hold down a normal 9 to 5 job.  I’m also putting going back to school off for another year.  I’m having too many bad days.  So, I’ve started my own business working out of my home, doing the same thing I’ve done for 16 years. 

I started Allistin Technologies as an IT consulting and support company for home and small to medium businesses.  Network support, computer support, installing, whatever needs to be done, whatever configuration of the network, I’m going to be offering support for whomever for those areas. i do have a Facebook fanpage, if you’re interested in becoming a fan, and also a website, that needs a bit of work.

Business is slow, still, but I’ve only advertised for 2 weeks.  I have been to several business’s handing out cards.  I think it’s going to be fine.  I hope.

I took my daughter to get her driving permit today.  She was very excited and she passed, only missing two of the questions.  I did let her drive my truck for a little while today.  She did very good and yes, I was a little nervous, but we made it through it just fine.  Just can’t believe it got here so quickly.

Things Aren’t What They Seemed

I may have shared this in the past, can’t remember.  Life just isn’t going the way I thought it was going to go when I was younger.  Not even close.  And that’s kind of bumming me out a bit.  It’s a heavy weight that’s keeping me down a little bit I think. 

I know, I have the choice to make my life the way I want it to be, there’s nothing I can’t do, make the best with what I’ve got. I know all of those words, it’s the actions, the “how-to’s” that I am really struggling with.  What’s worse is the slide I’m on seems to keep on going into some dark, dank, abyss.  It was a fun slide, at first, but I’m ready to get off it now.  Too many ups and massive drop-offs seem to be making me a bit sick.

I tell myself quite frequently, “I just want normalcy.”  When I then ask myself to define “normalcy” silly me just can’t seem to do that.  It becomes hard to want something you can’t define. Maybe what I’m in is “normalcy.”  My “normalcy.”  But, I don’t like my “normalcy” and I want something different.  Well, what do I want?  I don’t know. World peace?

I don’t know, y’all.  This whole being a human thing sure isn’t a lot of fun.  It’s hard, and I have little piddly problems that I don’t even like to call problems.  I can’t imagine if I really had problems.  Guess I better not try.  I’m 37 (almost) and I’m finally realizing what life is hard, is really.  Actually, I’ve kinda known it for almost a year, either way, I’m glad it’s not the only thing I have to look forward to.

Finally 

Look at me, rambling on about much ado about nothing.  One thing that makes me happy is this blog, these ever-changing thoughts of mine.  I’m goaling to be here more often.  Two, maybe three times a week for now so I’ll see ya around.  Don’t forget to catch me on Twitter or Facebook.

Until next time.

Because of HIM

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Image by angelsk via Flickr

It’s been a really rough/tough year.  The bulging disc I have in my neck has caused pain that has pretty much taken over life.  It has been hard to do anything because the pain is so prominent.  Even writing here on the blog has been tough, as you can tell from my absence.  I have desires to write, but those desires soon gets taken over by the pain and I don’t want to do anything but make it go away.  I’m hoping that gets resolved soon because I really miss writing and doing other things that I like and finding new things that I don’t know that I like.

Some may not know this, but on Jan 6th at noon, I’ll be going under the knife.  A 45 minute surgery to perform a disc fusion in my neck.  I’m ready for it.  I’m beyond ready to get rid of this pain and get some normalcy of life back.  Including writing and everything else I’ve been wanting to do.

So, I’ve been thinking.  Scary, I know.  If you are just starting recovery and you feel on top of the world, let me warn you.  You are going to experience life’s hardships.

The first year of my recovery I can remember how great everything was.  I felt invincible almost.  It was a feeling like I had reached the pinnacle of life and I could handle anything that came at me.

During the second year, reality struck and life hasn’t been so easy.  Reality being that I’m not even close to invincible.  Situations ARE going to come up that I have absolutely zero control over.

Situations have occurred where I knew that I needed to listen to God and let him take control.  I’ve really struggled with those situations the most.  Mainly because I want control.  Even if I tell myself and tell God that I’m letting him have it, I can’t keep my paws off of it.  It’s selfishness, and us alcoholics thrive on it.  One hundred percent of the time, those situations don’t go away and often they get worse.  Still, I want control.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not real sure how we are supposed to let go of it.  So, I’ve been trying to figure that out within the last quarter of this year.  It’s a work in progress.

I’m so glad that during that first year of recovery I worked hard on my new foundation.  I’m glad that I had taken so much time recognizing that God is my rock.

I shutter to think how much different this year could have been had I not done exactly everything that I did during the first year.  I would be lying if I said that during this rough time I’ve never had a thought about alcohol.  There have been times where it would have been so easy to give in.  But, I thank God that I was given the chance to build my relationship with him.  It’s because of that, that I didn’t let any of those thoughts hang around and I didn’t act on any of them.

For your recovery’s sake, if you don’t believe in God, find your higher power and sink as much time as you can into recognizing just how powerful and wonderful and great it is.  I do pray that you will soon see that, that higher power is God.  For now though, just don’t do life on your own.

As I have been writing this, the “pink cloud” keeps coming to mind.  During my first year, I heard this cloud mentioned so many times and had no clue what folks were talking about.  Now, I realize that during part of that first year I was riding the pink cloud.

Because of HIM,

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photo by ro_buk

Have you ever thought about a situation you were in, turned to the Bible to make yourself feel better or give you a different, better, more positive outlook on the situation, only to be put pretty much in the same situation you were in before you looked, possibly a tad worse?

I was thinking about me and why I was not quickly pursuing getting my classes scheduled at Liberty University.  I’ve thought about it in the past and during that thought process I questioned my faith in God.  No, not that I had zero faith, but maybe that it wasn’t as strong as I thought it should be.  If I had the faith I thought I should have, then all of the steps through the process should be easy, no-brainer decisions.  Yet, I hesitate.  Why?

So, I turned to God for answers and he led me down a different thought process.  He pretty  much told me to get it together, or else.  Well, maybe not that harsh but it he has put a little pep in my step.

Instead of questioning my faith, I turned to the thought that maybe fear is keeping me in the hold pattern.  Not really wanting to land because I’m not sure the landing will be successful.  Surely fear is a better excuse and less damaging to what I consider to be a wonderful relationship with God.

Well, it didn’t work out that way for me, sort of.  I retrieved my trusty concordance from the bookshelf, searched for fear, and was swallowed up by the number of entries relating to fear.  Now, where to start?

I started out in 1 John.

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 John 4:18

Well, that didn’t help.  I know I’m not perfect, but that was a little to negative for what I was looking for.  That conversation made me think that not only did I lack the faith I should have, but I also lack the love for God like I should because of my fear. 

I think I’ll look somewhere else.

14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.-Isaiah 54:14

Great!  Now he’s telling me that because of fear, I’m not established in righteousness.  Now I’m starting to think of everything else I’ve been afraid of. 

Is it really not OK to have fear?  Well, maybe OK isn’t the correct term.  I mean, I don’t think fear is one of those Heaven or Hell issues.  But, there I go thinking.

So I turned our talk toward determining what we are “allowed” to fear and what we aren’t supposed to fear.

Don’t Fear

• Man – Proverbs 29:25; Matthew 10:28 (those who kill the body)
• Our Faith – John 12:42-50 Good example here of some Jews who were afraid to confess their faith because they might be put out of the synagogue, which to my understanding would pretty much be the end of the world for them.  Jesus in the verses following pretty much said that it will be the end of their world if they don’t confess their faith.
• The Lord – Lamentations 3:57

Fear

• Our Salvation – or how our salvation is working. Philippians 2:12
• Authorities– Romans 13:1-7  Probably more of a fear the consequences of not doing what they tell us to do, because doing so is the same as rebelling against God.
• The Lord – Way to many verses to put here.  I did a search for fear of the Lord in Proverbs alone.  You can see the results here.

Side Story

It’s 5AM the morning after I had written all of what is above.  As luck would have it  As it seems to have been planned, a storm with vivid lightning, crashing thunder that moves the house, and torrential rain, has moved into the area.  I’m sitting in the dark (because I want to, not because the lights are out) and I remember the days of my youth and how fearful I was of storms.  In fact, just the wind itself might have been my biggest fear when I was growing up.

A particular day when I was 13 are in my thoughts. I remember being the only one at home on this day and a fierce storm raced through the area.  Dad and Mom were both at work, each several minutes away.  Mom may have been 20 minutes or more away, I just can’t remember.  They each might as well had been a million miles away.

The wind picked up, the lightning flashed, the trees were bending over to where I sure thought the tops were touching the ground.  Not sure if there was a tornado in the area that day or not. 

I remember standing with the front door open, like you do during a horrible storm.  I was crying, quite possibly screaming.  Not sure about that.  I may have just wanted to scream.

It was a very moving experience.   I’m surprised that things of the wet nature didn’t move into my shorts from my bladder.

But I got over that fear.  At some point I fell in love with storms and would get so excited at the sound of thunder, the sight of lightning, and wind became a friend of mine.

Continue

Flash forward to February 2007. 

My faith in God and my fear of God were non-existent. 

A tornado ravaged the community where I live.  It came so close to my home where I was again, alone, drunk.  But, in the hopes that God was still around somewhere, I managed to pray, beg, live.  I was spared.

Not long after the tornado, I tired of dealing with my alcoholism and sought help.  While on the quest of becoming sober, he was there.  Always was. 

It took God putting the fear back into me that allowed me to see the errors of my way.  While at Cumberland Heights, my faith increased a thousand fold, a million fold, and a relationship was born…re-born.

So what does all of this mean, God? Sum it up for me.  What are you telling me? What does this have to do with classes and fear and faith? 

13 For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. –Isaiah 41:13  

Oh.  Okay then.  Don’t fear and my faith will increase?  What do you think?  I’m struggling to put the period on this post.  Maybe you can finish it for me….

Because of HIM

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I had an experience last week that brought about this…thing…that has been affected by my alcoholism.  I say thing because I’m just not sure if it’s an area of life, an emotion, a feeling, or if it’s even in the realm of any of those items.

Recall

Just like everything else related to alcoholism, not even alcoholism really, more like related to sin but that’s a different post, it started out small and became so large and so often that I soon stopped caring that I was doing it.  What is it?

Lying about my situation.

If the guilt of drinking wasn’t bad enough, I also had to deal with the issue of hiding the alcoholism.  Then worrying would I get caught.  Looking back it’s just amazing how sorry of a person I was.  Maybe not so much at first because it really did bother me…like that somehow makes me less sorry.  I don’t think it does.

Anyway, I hated drinking and I hated lying about the fact that I was doing it and also lying to myself that I didn’t have a problem.  The guilt of it all would and could be overbearing at times.  So, to get rid of that feeling you know what I would do?  Yep. Drink. Lots.

It was a vicious cycle and just like riding a bi-cycle, it became easier and easier and easier each time I rode.  Soon the training wheels came off and I was a pro. Well, I thought I was.

When those closest to me could smell the stench of the night before on my breath or seeping through the pores of my skin, I would deny that it was me.  Toward the end, I did it so much that I really think I was convincing myself that it wasn’t me that was stinking or it wasn’t me that was drinking.

It’s so strange how that works.  Lying so much that your convinced by your own lies.

Recently

I experienced that guilt last week.  I experienced that very same, horrible, feeling in my gut that I had just lied to someone concerning my drinking, and I haven’t had a drink in 18 months….Today! (Wow…18 months sober on 8/25/09).

As the windows rolled up in the car, the question came out “You might be in trouble,” and there was this look of shock, confusion, and disbelief.  I felt as though I had just been caught, red handed, but I wasn’t sure what I got caught doing.

A scent had come wafting through the windows.

“What have you been drinking?” I was asked.

Then my mind took off.  Just like old times.  Like I hadn’t missed a day of drinking.

The voice in my head said, “Quick, tell her something, you gotta make her believe that you didn’t have anything to drink last night!”

“But I didn’t have anything to drink!” I told my mind. (talking to myself again)

“No matter, she’s not going to believe you.”

I’m not sure what kind of expressions I had on my face.  My stomach, my mind, and my being was convinced there was no way I was gonna be believed.

I then told her, “I had a cup of coffee…a diet coke…”

Pretty much the same things I used to say.

“…I haven’t had anything to drink,” I continued.  “It might be the soap I’m using or hair stuff.”

Yep, same thing I used to say.

This time I was believed.  Nothing else was said and there were no more smells mentioned.

I’m sure this is a scar that I’m going to have live with for the rest of my life.  Old guilt brought up at the whiff of something in the air.  It wasn’t long ago that I had to hide so often that now when the questions come it’s an immediate mental reaction to take flight.

The guilt associated with lying can throw us into relapse pretty quick, I’m told.  It starts a vicious cycle that leads to nothing good, I’ve been told.  I’m glad I’ve only been told. Not something I want to experience.

If we do catch ourselves lying, amends MUST be made right away.  That’s what step 10 is:

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”

This leads me to my next post.  Be sure to come back…..I’m KIDDING!  Don’t worry, there are no lies on the pages of this blog and I haven’t been drinking.

Honest, I haven’t.

Because of HIM

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Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever felt a huge need for something and prayed for it?

Have you ever had a pain that hurt constantly and prayed for it?

Have you ever had a sick family member and prayed for them to get well. Let’s make it a little more specific, maybe it wasn’t JUST a family member, let’s say it was a child or a parent. That might make you pray a little harder huh?

During these times, a large portion of  your time spent with God was probably telling God how much you needed, wanted relief, or really wanted your family member to get well.  Right?

There might be a hint of  guilt, feeling selfish, or lack of hope as we humbly, with all our might, pray for this situation to work out in our favor.  We ask our family members to pray.  Our friends to pray.  Our ministers to pray.  We do all that we can so that this issue gets “fixed”, but we want it in our favor.

That need that you were thinking of, after all the hard work you put into praying for it, did you get it?  If you didn’t, how did you feel?

How’s the pain?  If you’re still hurting, are you upset or maybe thinking you didn’t do something right?

This is the one that hurts; did the family member get well?  If that child or parent didn’t recover after all of your hard work trying to let God know your hopes, who did you get mad at or upset with?  Still hurts doesn’t it?  Some might still be questioning God and his decision to let this one pass.  You’re not alone.

In my opinion, if your heart was right, you did exactly as you should have.

A phrase struck me like a ton of bricks during my devotion with God this week.  It came from a man after God’s own heart.  I can’t get enough of reading about David.  All of his trials, his failures, his blatant sins and I still admire David.  I think even more so now.

A little bit of build up.  After David had committed his sin with Bathsheba, had her husband Uriah killed, and Nathan brought some sense back into David, it was time for him to receive his punishment. His punishment was not his death, but the death of the child that was born to him by Bathsheba.

After the child became ill, “David pleaded with God for the child.“  Here are some other things he did. Fasted, slept on the ground, and when the members of his house asked him to get up or to eat, David would have nothing to do with it.  For seven days he didn’t eat, slept on the ground, and he didn’t bathe.

Seventh day the child dies. We then see David moping around, wondering why this happened to him and Bathsheba.  He was more depressed and hurt than he was before, right?

NOPE!

He got up, washed, put on lotions, changed his clothes and then went to worship God.  Afterward he finally got him a bite to eat.  I gather from my reading that he totally confused the folks around him.  They were afraid to tell David that the boy had died because they were afraid “He may do something desperate.” As if.  Then they questioned him about why in the world was he acting the way he was now, and I want you to see David’s response:

²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”-2 Samuel 12:22-23

David thought, “Who knows?” Almost see David rolling his eyes as he says “Who knows?”  He didn’t know, but he had hope, and though the hope was dashed he didn’t let that lead him away.

Don’t stop praying for whatever you want.  Don’t stop praying for the pain to go away.  Don’t stop praying when a family member is sick. Why?

Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to you and give you what you are asking.

If he don’t, then don’t let that cause you to lose your faith.  God still loves you and will do great things through you.

Because of HIM

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In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. – Mathew 5:16

As my son and I traveled back from Talladega on Sunday, there wasn’t a lot to do except just notice things.  Somethingin particular caught my eye and I had an A-HA moment.

I’m guessing it’s a state law in Alabama to have your headlights on while driving if it is raining outside, regardless of the time of day.  No, it didn’t rain on us unless you count the huge bugs that covered my windshield.  It might as well have been raining, but I digress.  The reason I say it must be a law is because of one particular road sign that I saw:

“Lights On When Raining”

I guess to some that should seem fairly obvious.  It is a bit safer to have the lights on so that others in front and behind can see your vehicle better when it’s raining.  Some/most vehicles any more even have daytime running lights that are always on.  I say always, I think they may go off when it gets dark, but are replaced with the normal headlights.

So, this sign got me thinking.  It wasn’t long until I had come up with my own sign that I am supposed to have visible at all times:

“Lights On When Reigning”

As a Christian as I drive through this world, make that ride through this world, I’m responsible for letting my light shine.  I’m always wanting God to be reigning over me so I’m given the responsibility to have my light on all the time, for safety. This light is not the daytime running light, this light is the same light all the time.

It helps you when my lights are on to see me better during your time of darkness.  Just like we sometimes judge our travels by the taillights of the vehicle in front of us, if my Christian light is on, you can follow me and be assured of a safe travel through this life, on to the final destination.

Here is my issue.  I have a light switch for my Christian light.  I sometimes turn this light off and do whatever I was wanting to do.  When I’m finished, I just turn the light back on. I don’t know who is following me, who is behind me, but I know someone is.  Someone is counting on me, my example, to follow and get them through this world and on to Heaven.  When I suddenly turn that light off, those following are in danger of a serious accident.

It’s a tough lesson to learn. I’m still trying to learn it.  God is always reigning. I always need to have my light on, for your convienence.

Because of HIM

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UPDATE: When I use the term “Follow me” I mean it as Paul meant it in 1 Cor 11:1:

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

A string of excited, fugitive, miscellaneous pleasures is not happiness; happiness resides in imaginative reflection and judgment, when the picture of one’s life, or of human life, as it truly has been or is, satisfies the will, and is gladly accepted.-George Santayana

Image by Fr Antunes via Flickr

Who is this guy staring back at me?  He’s not the one that I used to see.  This guy looks……different.  It’s as if there’s something right about him.

His eyes are not bloodshot.  Just a bit sleepy looking, but wide open.  Not little slits that used to peer back at me.

There is worry on his face, but it’s not the same worry.  It’s more of a relaxed worry.

There is that look of pain, but after all, it is 6 A.M.  6A.M is always painful.  Ahh, he’s moving his shoulders, must be back pain.  Better than the scrunched eyebrows from what one would assume was a headache.

Is that a smile?  I think it is, and it appears to be genuine.  Well, more of grin or smirk than a smile.  Hmm, he does seem a little more chipper.  A little springy.

I think I like this guy.

Ahh, his hands.  I bet they shake when he……hmm, no shaking when he wipes his mustache.  Wait, he’s examining his hands more closely, let me look closer….nope.  Not shaking at all.

He seems mumbling something now.  Appears to be a chant or maybe just the same thing over and over.  Let me see if I can read his lips…

Yep.  I wrote it down.  I really really like this guy.  Here is what he is saying and it makes all the sense in the world…er..not in this world….

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

I think he’s alright.  Ya think?

Because of HIM

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verse from Romans 12:2

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

The first post of this series can be found over here The Making of a Day: The Foundation. Now I’d like to get into a bit of the framework of my day.

Previous

I mentioned before about having a good foundation and weak walls and guts of my day.  I would pray and study in the morning and then once I left the house, I found myself losing focus.  Sure, sporadically I would stop and talk to God if it was only to say hi or thank you.  Most of my time though was spent away from the contractor, God.  So, the framework of my day was made out of a lot of worldly material.  Even then, it was framed not using the blueprint that I started the day out with.  It really made for some messy situations.

Music

Then I again found my love for music.  Not just any music though.  Christian music.  No more listening to talk radio and getting frustrated with what all was going on in the world, weakening my frame.  No more listening to the music that I grew up with, that Jesus wouldn’t listen to.  The kind of music that would stir up past thoughts and experiences that I no longer needed to be thinking about.  This new music was start.  It was better material to build up the framework, but there was more.

Podcast

I’d heard of podcast for a long time.  I own one of the 80GB iPods. No, I can’t shell out the money for the latest. Why would I? this works.   Anyway, me and some folks were twittering about something one Saturday and podcasts got brought up.  I decided that after hearing all of this stuff about podcasts, maybe I should get into some of those.  I did.  I asked my tweeps for some recommendations and started downloading podcasts to listen to.

As you can guess, I then started also listening to these podcasts at work.  Stronger material than the music and when mixed with the music, it’s hardened steal.  And podcasts work well for me because I really like listening to talk.  I mostly listened to talk radio before, probably 95% of the time.

Contractor/Blueprint

I also talk to my contractor more throughout the day.  When I feel that something has gone awry in the plans, I turn to him and the blueprint for just a few minutes and quickly I am back on track.

Alternatives

I have had a day or two that I thought I could do some of it on my own.  Those days will not be listed in my best of days box in my mind.  But they are days that will remain in my thoughts and hopefully will help me in the future.  Those are the days that I can sit here and say THIS is why I didn’t have a good day.  I didn’t lay my foundation right, I didn’t talk to my contractor enough.

What about you?  Do you surround yourself with material to build the type of framework that you want?

Because of HIM

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I love music.  Always have.  But after college, it seems music just kind of faded.  It changed so much that I couldn’t find anything that I enjoyed listening to.  I got bored with the music of the day.

So, I would usually listen to the same music that I liked while in high school.  Motley Crue, Poison, Slaughter, Skid Row among others.  I liked how happy they made me feel.

When I was feeling dark and angry I would listen to Ministry or White Zombie or music along those lines.  I liked how they made me feel when I was angry.

Fast forward a few years and I found the likes of John Mayer and Pete Yorn.  Loved the lyrics and the music just felt good.

But when I was drinking, if I wanted to listen to music, it was always the loud, obnoxious music that was my choice.  I was depressed, drunk, and dog on mad when I was drinking.  Not the beat the children and the wife type mad.  I usually held it inside.  Then I could release it with some White Zombie.  It made me feel good.

There still just wasn’t enough music for me to listen to.  I mostly listened to talk radio when I was driving anywhere.  I would say that I have listened to more talk radio over the past 8 years than I have music.

I’ve had some things happen that had pretty much taken away my joy of music.  I haven’t really listened to much music at all over the last several year.  It just didn’t make me feel good anymore.

Turns out I just wasn’t listening to the right music.  On a whim, I purchased Third Day‘s album Revelation last Saturday.  I realize  now that since I’ve changed the way I walk, I also need to change it in a lot of other areas too.  Turns out, the music I listen to is one of those areas.

I love the way this album makes me feel.  I love the places it takes me.  I go to good places.  And the songs just fit right along with the lifestyle and thoughts that I have on this new walk.

In closing this worthless rambling, I’m gonna share one of my favorites from the album that I think helps me remind  myself daily of who I am.  Lyrics are below the video (which is something that someone posted on YouTube…it’s the best I could find) I hope you enjoy it and by listening to you can tell that Christians Rock!

I’m a son of a good man
I’m the child of an angel
I’m the brother of a wild one
And I’m looking for direction
I’m the lover of a beauty
I’m the father of blessings
I’m a singer of a love song
But is that all I’m good for

This is who I am
This is who I am
So take me and make me something so much more
This is who I am
This is who I am
So change me and make me someone better than before

I’m a saint and a sinner
I’m a lover and a fighter
I’m a true believer, with great desire
I’m a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth
I’ve fallen down so many times
But here I stand in front of you

Take me as I am
But please don’t leave me that way
‘Cause I know that you can make me better than I am today

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! –

1Corinthians 13:12

photo by mysza

The middle of last month, we were experiencing some very foggy days.  I was outside during one of my breaks and on this day the fog was so thick that scuba gear seemed like it might be necessary just to breathe.  Then the thought occurred to me that standing there, looking around in the fog, reminded me of how my recovery has been.

On a good day, standing where I was, I could see a pretty good distance ahead of me.  I could see the ditches, the trees, the roadways, the fences that marked various boundaries.  I could tell, from one spot, all of the places I could go, and all of the pitfalls that were in the way.

On this day, though, with the heavy fog, none of this was visible.  In order to see the ditch, I would have to take a step or two forward before it would appear.  The trees were slightly visible, but only as dark silhouette’s against the white of the fog.  Determining their size and type was difficult at best.  The fence and the roadways that were normally just right there, were hidden in the clouds.  As I stepped closer to these objects, they would become more focused, more clear.

Recovery has been very much like this for me.  On good days, it seems that my sights are limitless.  The  horizon and everything that lies between me and it, are all out there to be seen.  I can plan my route from start to finish from where I am standing.

On bad days, I may be standing in the same spot, but the familiarity is completely gone.  I have to plan my moves, one step at a time.  Crossing the boundaries that life throws at me, only after they become visible and approachable.  What I saw yesterday is not visible today.  It’s all silhouetted against the fog of recovery.  It’s as if I had been dropped into some strange world, given a destination, but no real good directions.

Faith, courage, hope, and God get me through the foggy days.  They are my fog lamps.  Brightening up the immediate steps that I have to make.  Making those steps just a little more comfortable.

When the clear days come back I only look back on the foggy days that were.  And wait for the next fog of recovery to roll in.

Because of HIM

SC