The myelogram and CT Scan went off without a hitch on Monday.  I’ve not heard any results as of this writing, but I have left a message with the Dr.’s office to call me back with the results.

The procedure was, well, different.  It wasn’t necessarily a painful procedure, but the couple of days after have been less than desirable.  I say “that painful” because it was a bit uncomfortable.  I mean, I had someone poking a needle in my back and pushing some foreign liquid into my spine.  Not the most friendly thing I could have had done.

The Procedure-Pre-Op

Like they always do, I had to have some blood taken.  I made the mistake of letting the nurse know that it was my birthday and that she better take it easy on me.  I’ll keep my mouth shut one day.

After I had told her this, she yelled across the room to another nurse, “Bring me a butterfly, please!”  Not knowing what a “butterfly” was in nursing terms, I asked.  She, not so quietly said, “It’s a little baby needle.”

Great.  Now the whole world, or the part of the world that was in that area, knew I was a wimp.  But I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt, at all!  I may have to tell the next person to want my blood that it’s my birthday.

Of course, the nurses were extra nice. We laughed and cut-up.  No pun intended.  My “clowning around” personality came through I guess.

The Procedure – Conflict

The next stop was the X-ray room.  Considering I kind of knew what was about to happen, I still wasn’t all that worried or nervous, which worries me and makes me nervous.

The first item up for business was the explanation of the process and where they were going to be focusing the tests.  My cervical spine, aka the neck, is the only location they were going to be scanning.

This bothered me because I just don’t think the problem is in my neck.  I think it’s lower down, in my thoracic area.  We talked for a few minutes, I almost put the process off, the X-ray Tech called the Dr’s office to confirm that this is what he was waning, it was, so I did.

The Procedure

They had me lie down on the x-ray table, face down and they had these should rests that I had to make sure my shoulders were firmly placed against.  Why?  I’ll tell you shortly.

Some dude in a white coat then comes in to do the poking.  He told me that I needed to lie still and that I was going to feel a sting.  These guys amaze me.  He was right to a certain extent.  I wouldn’t so much call it a sting though.  Stings, sting.  This kind of hurt pretty bad.

He was just applying the anesthetic.  Now, I’m not sure what the difference would have been had he not done this.  I’m thinking he has to use a needle in both instances so why not just do the do once?

Either way, he then told me I would feel pressure.  Spot on.  I then may feel some tingling and some discomfort in my legs, head and pressure in my ears.  Pretty much spot on.  Pretty much. As quickly as he came, he was done and the dye was in.

Now, they were going to be scanning my neck but they stuck the needle and inserted the dye in my lower back.  “How does that work?” you say.  Remember the shoulder rests?

It was at this point that they tilted the table so that I was head down which allowed the dye to run from the lower back to my neck.  Turns out it’s easier to insert things into the spine from the lower back.  The vertebrae aren’t as close together down there.

I could feel the dye running up my back and it was at the point it reached my shoulder area that the majority of the pain I experienced happened.  It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin that spread out to both of my shoulders.  No, I don’t know how that actually feels but I have an idea now.  I thought maybe that was where the problem was with my back.  Maybe it had leaked out and they would see the actually problem causing so much pain.  I didn’t like this part at all and they didn’t seem too concerned, so I quit crying.

The rest of the process was pretty dull.  They took a few x-rays while I was in there.  Moved me to various positions.  No big deal.

Next was a log-roll onto a gurney where I went for a ride to get the CT scan.  I log-rolled to that table, some scans done, and then I was in the recovery room for the next hour, I was told it would be an hour anyway.

The Procedure – Post-Op

Fourty-five minutes later, I was laying in the recovery room on a table that was inclined to get the dye to again move back down to my neck.  They had to perform another scan.

What does this mean?  Why are they doing ANOTHER scan?  I’m not sure.  My thoughts were that they found something and needed to get another look.  Or maybe I moved and they didn’t get a good scan the first time.  I’m sticking with the first thought.

The recovery at home was worse than the actual process.  A lot of discomfort in my lower back and it’s taken a couple of days now to get back to some sort of comfort level.

Anyway, not sure what the tests will show.  I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Conclusion

If you are ever told that you will need the procedure, don’t worry about it.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

The Setup

^{A Blind Beggar Receives His Sight}

³⁵As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. ³⁶When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. ³⁷They told him, "Jesus of Nazareth is passing by."

³⁸He called out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

³⁹Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

⁴⁰Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, ⁴¹"What do you want me to do for you?"
      "Lord, I want to see," he replied.

⁴²Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you." ⁴³Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God. – Luke 18:35-43

Luke 17 and 18 were the chapters that was my reading plan for Wednesday night.  Prior to reading the reading plan was a day of worry, yes I said worry, about today’s mediation appointment.  Something about me, a dad, trying to get custody of my kids makes me worry just a bit.

Let’s Get Side Tracked

Sure, I posted a really cool quote the other night from Francis Chan on my Facebook status which went something like:

"Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big, powerful, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives"

I got that from his book/audio book Crazy Love which so far I’m really enjoying. 

Having said all that it brings up something totally not at all related to where I was going and that is, I’m not sure where I stand on that quote.  Sure there is some a lot of substance to it but, because I worried does not mean that I don’t think that God is big, God is powerful, or that God doesn’t love me enough.

Being human, as I think most of us are, is there anything wrong with worrying or wondering if what we want is not what God wants for us?  Prime example in my situation is custody of my kids.  What if it’s not God’s will that the children are in my custody?  Is it not OK to worry or wonder until that final decision has been made, which will be when the process is over?

Back To The Initial Point

So, as I think I may have stated, I had been worrying a bit about Thursday and then I read this at the  end of the night and there was a verse in that final section of the final section of my reading that grabbed me, picked my up by my shirt collar, smacked me around a bit, a set me back down to read it again.  It’s more of half a verse.  Did you happen to catch it?

Re-read that up there with this in mind.  It seemed that my prayers to God on Wednesday were always me asking God to do this or that or to help me with this or that.  Maybe just ease my mind because I knew he has control of this.

The point  came to where just thinking about Thursday brought knots in my stomach and tears to my eyes I was so stressed about the whole mess.  Then, when I had just about had enough I read verse 41 and just 3 words prior Jesus asked him, ⁴¹"What do you want me to do for you?"

The second time, after being set down, Jesus was no longer talking to the blind man.  Who was he talking to anyway?  I felt as though those words were meant just for me and they could not have came at a better time.  I stopped what I was doing, closed my eyes and told Jesus what I wanted him to do for me, since he asked. 

The concern, the worry pretty much left.  Especially after some of the things that happened this morning that can only be described as Jesus doing exactly what I asked.  The wish-washy daughter was no longer wish-washy.  I can’t give too much detail, not as much as I want to share, but let me just say, I give all the glory to God because of his love for me and you.   There was a tad bit of worry, but that was mostly worry that my ducks weren’t in a row. 

Conclusion

How did the mediation go?  No change in current circumstances.  BUT, after my talk with Jesus and God, things should be a little better in the future. 

Because of HIM

SC

Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. – Francis Chan

Three areas that I think I’ll update you on tonight.  Where we are on my back/neck issues, continuing education, and finally what’s up with the mediation and the kids. 

Health

The pain management doctor, some like to call the band-aid doctor, has done some playing with my medicine and I am taking some meds that are a little stronger than I was taking before.  The meds that I was taking, I was having to take way to often and with all the goings on in the news about over-dosing and too much acetaminophen, I was ready for something different.

Dr. Band-aid agreed and just like that, I’m on what I’m on.  Great thing is that I’m not experiencing any of the pain that I had been having in the past. In fact, the pain almost nil and when it does try to flare up, he’s given me something for that as well.

Bad thing is I’m seem to be in a constant state of wanting and needing sleep.  Some days are much worse than others, and when it seems that I may start having a good day or two, well, it’s short lived.  But, I guess it’s a necessary evil. 

I have been to a neurosurgeon and ESI (Epidural Steroid Injections) are in the works. I’ll have to have 3 shots in my neck on 3 different trips.  I thought they were going to start them this week but I haven’t heard back from the office with scheduling information.  I do have it on my calendar (for today) to call, but that will have to be moved to tomorrow since I didn’t call today.

Continuing Education

I did get my application turned in and was accepted to Liberty University.  I have also filled out and submitted the FAFSA forms, which is financial aid.  I’ve not heard anything  unless it’s sitting out there waiting for me to….

I’ve got to get my transcripts from Nashville Tech together and sent in to LU.  That’s another one of those things that I’ve got on my calendar (for today) that will have to be moved to tomorrow.  

So, I’m still going to do this.  I’m still excited and nervous.  I will say this though, and I’m not sure I like saying this, this step, this part of my life depends on how the financial aid part of all this works out.  But, I’m not gonna worry about that.

Mediation

There is another appointment scheduled for this coming Thursday @ 1:00.  I’ll need some prayers for that one.  Not sure my brain is in any kind of shape to do this.  It (my brain) seems to be a mess.  Yet, God’s got this one too so it will be fine.

Because of HIM

SC

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. – Mathew 5:16

As my son and I traveled back from Talladega on Sunday, there wasn’t a lot to do except just notice things.  Somethingin particular caught my eye and I had an A-HA moment.

I’m guessing it’s a state law in Alabama to have your headlights on while driving if it is raining outside, regardless of the time of day.  No, it didn’t rain on us unless you count the huge bugs that covered my windshield.  It might as well have been raining, but I digress.  The reason I say it must be a law is because of one particular road sign that I saw:

“Lights On When Raining”

I guess to some that should seem fairly obvious.  It is a bit safer to have the lights on so that others in front and behind can see your vehicle better when it’s raining.  Some/most vehicles any more even have daytime running lights that are always on.  I say always, I think they may go off when it gets dark, but are replaced with the normal headlights.

So, this sign got me thinking.  It wasn’t long until I had come up with my own sign that I am supposed to have visible at all times:

“Lights On When Reigning”

As a Christian as I drive through this world, make that ride through this world, I’m responsible for letting my light shine.  I’m always wanting God to be reigning over me so I’m given the responsibility to have my light on all the time, for safety. This light is not the daytime running light, this light is the same light all the time.

It helps you when my lights are on to see me better during your time of darkness.  Just like we sometimes judge our travels by the taillights of the vehicle in front of us, if my Christian light is on, you can follow me and be assured of a safe travel through this life, on to the final destination.

Here is my issue.  I have a light switch for my Christian light.  I sometimes turn this light off and do whatever I was wanting to do.  When I’m finished, I just turn the light back on. I don’t know who is following me, who is behind me, but I know someone is.  Someone is counting on me, my example, to follow and get them through this world and on to Heaven.  When I suddenly turn that light off, those following are in danger of a serious accident.

It’s a tough lesson to learn. I’m still trying to learn it.  God is always reigning. I always need to have my light on, for your convienence.

Because of HIM

SC

UPDATE: When I use the term “Follow me” I mean it as Paul meant it in 1 Cor 11:1:

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Remember the last time you went to a car lot to purchase your next vehicle.  You searched the lot over and over until you found the car that was perfect for you.  After many lots and many salesmen, you finally see it out of the corner of your eye.

It seems to be sitting all by itself in the lot.  There isn’t another one like it around.  Staring at the headlights, it seems to be enticing you over.  Begging you to come take a look.

As you approach the vehicle, you know this is the right one for you. Only you can own this.  The closer you get, the more imagery forms in your mind.  You’ve already pictured yourself sitting in the front seat.  My, how good you would look sitting there.  

You get closer and the imagery keeps going.  You imagine yourself, in your one-of-a-kind vehicle driving through town.  All the folks are turning their heads, admiring your new found luxury.  You just know they are envious, and though it is wrong, it makes you happy.  Makes you feel important.  Kinda, puffs out your chest a bit.

The salesman approaches, sees your dreamy state and he knows he’s got a sale.  You make an offer and after much haggling (or not much..depends) she is yours.  

After the sale and before you drive it off the lot, you sit in the front seat and take one more trip down dreamy lane.  THIS is going to be AWESOME! “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in a vehicle…ever!” you exclaim to yourself.  

You turn the key and hear the motor purr.  Turn the radio on your favorite station.  Put it in drive and ease towards the road.  You pull out onto the road and out of the dream.  It is at that time that it seems every car you pass looks EXACTLY like the one you just purchased!  Same color, same wheels, same everything.  I hate that, don’t you!

Life is a bit like that, except you don’t have to hate it.  No matter what you’ve done, I guarantee you are not the first one to have done it.  

Personally, when have a problem that I think no one else could possibly have, the hardest part is making the sale to myself.  After all the haggling and when I finally buy into this notion that I have a problem, it seems there is someone around every corner that has or has had the same issue.  

Someone is there saying “I got your back” simply by extending a chip that they received from an AA meeting.  Someone is saying, “I quit smoking x years ago. I’m here if you need anything.” Someone saying “I know the struggle that you are facing” and then, I’m not alone any more.  

I’m glad I’m not driving through this life, with all it’s problems, in a vehicle that no one else has.

Because of HIM

SC

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”-Larry Elder

Image by Express Monorail via Flickr

If only for tonight, these two words together, “I Wish”, I would like to remove from my vocabulary.  I guess that in and of itself is an “I wish” statement.  I’m not liking it right now.  It seems to be almost counter-productive to me.  

It’s as if I am giving myself and excuse to not achieve.  Giving myself an excuse to not even make an attempt to do something because it immediately becomes un-attainable when those words are spoken.  Because in my mind when I make a wish, the fairy dust is supposed to fall from the ceiling and *POOF* there it is.  Just like the fairy tale it came from, what is wished for too becomes a part of that fairy tale.

And when it’s not there, it brings forth a bit of sadness because I had already imagined what I would be doing with whatever I had just wished for.  I’ll admit though that there is a bit of excitement or fun that goes along with it because of where I go when it’s wished for.  I’m not sure, though, that it’s worth the sadness of the reality.

Why do I do that to myself?  Sure, some wishes turn into goals, but very rarely I think.  Most likely that is why I’m having such a difficult time not smoking.  I find myself “wishing” I could quit.  I find myself “wishing” I could become a counselor.  I find myself “wishing’ I were out of debt.  I find myself wishing for things that ARE attainable.  BUT my mind is so accustomed to dismissing those wishes that it doesn’t take me seriously.

“What spurred this on,” you ask?

I stopped myself from responding to a tweet with an “I wish I could do that.”  I don’t know if I really, truly, WISHED I could do what I was about to say.  To say I wish I could do it was just an excuse for me to try and make myself feel better.  So I didn’t. I faced reality.

I was tweeting with @SteveGarufi tonight and he made a statement about riding his bike 95miles from Buena Vista to Colorado Springs.   I asked if he had ridden that far before and he said that he had.  One day last year he rode 128miles, and he sent me a link.  He had taken some pictures on his journey.  It wasn’t long though until I learned that this was only 1 day out of the 45 that it took him to bike across America.  When I learned that, WOW!  How awesome that must have been!  I can’t imagine the feeling of accomplishment that he must have had.  I wanted that feeling.  

He sent me the link to his site where he has pictures up of each day that he rode along with a description of the pictures.  He sent me a link to the map of his bike ride.  (I invite you to check out his site bikeacrossamerica.org. I’m still reading it and am just in awe.) 

I almost blurted out in response to his links and info, “Man, I wish I could do that.”  It was my minds way of giving me that feeling temporarily.  I fought it.  Instead I faced reality.  I told him how awesome it sounded but I wear out walking from the bed to the couch.  Reality.  

So does that mean that I’m planning a bike ride across America?  

Yeah.  I Wish.

Am I gonna stop wishing?

Man, I wish.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³ via Flickr

It is just as I thought. You may want to read that previous thought before we get into this one.

Laying the foundation of my day with Godly material makes for a great foundation and firms up the rest of the day.  I’m going to try to explain that and the process over the next few posts.

The Contractor

At the beginning of my day, I start off talking to my contractor/builder.  He is the best one I will ever know of and I will never use another.  Funny.  He is the same contractor/builder that all strong people I know of use to build their days.

During our discussion, various points about the upcoming build are raised.  I let him know some of the concerns I have.  I let him know some of the good things I look forward to, or have had happen during the previous day.  If I’m frustrated at something I make sure he is aware of that too.

Thing is, He is such a good contractor that he never seems shocked about anything that I tell him.  He always has a way of just letting me know that he’s already noted it or made the changes or has a plan for it.  Amazing I tell ya.

I also make sure I let him know that HE is THE contractor and builder and I will try to do what he asks of me throughout the day.  He may just need to remind me of our talk at various times.

The Blueprint

After our discussion, We then turn to the blueprint that he has given to me.  He sent it to me via a text message.  He put a copy of it on the Internet as well.  We go over it together and he points out different things to me that I need to be paying attention to as we build the day.  Usually it’s a lot of very interesting things that I may not have caught before when we examined it. Sometimes, it’s things that I just don’t want to get into, but, he is the contractor and I’ve no choice but to listen.  Well, I have a choice, but I’ve built days without listening to him.  Not pretty.

That’s It?

That is pretty much all there is to laying a foundation for my day….so far.  The contractor/builder and the blueprint are also the materials that go into my foundation.  So far, since applying this to Me, my days are much better, much less stressful, and just easier to handle.  Granted, they are not perfect by any means, but, just don’t seem as bad.

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

Well, it’s been a week of distance.  I feel distance from just about everything around me.  Even feel distance from those high above me.

It’s not a good feeling, but I’m starting to think that there is just no way for me “up” all the time.  Yeah, I was down not to long ago, but when I came back up I guess I tried to talk myself into thinking that should be the last time I’ll be down for a while.

It seems there is nothing I can do to avoid the inevitable.  I think it is also harder on me to try to fight my way through it rather than just chill out, learn from this down time, and just know that it will more than likely dissipate over time.

If I really thought about it, if  I could enjoy the valleys of life, or maybe respect the valleys of life,  more, then maybe I could also respect the mountains of life more.  Not sure about that one, but I’ve made a mental note.

If my memory serves me correctly, even those heroes of the bible (David, Paul, John, even Jesus himself) had valleys and mountains of life.  I didn’t do any Bible searching before making that statement.  Some of you scholars can probably give plenty of examples to each of those.  Either way, why should I expect anything different than what they experienced?   I shouldn’t.

I also attribute some of this yuckiness to the medicine that I’m taking.  I really think it is starting to wear my body down more and more.  Yet another reason to go ahead and get the surgery done.  I’ve a Dr. appt on March 18th.  Plenty of time to think about it.

Whatever the case, I’m going to venture to say that it’s not recovering from anything that causes these valleys of life.  I think it’s just life.  Enjoy it while you’ve got it.

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

We cannot learn without pain. – Aristotle

In a recent post, I told of some of the mishaps of my youth.  A broken nose.  A broken rib.  These mishaps were accidental, of course.  Lessons learned.  I did continue to play softball that year.  Even went to the state tournaments.  I only played with my head turned about 75% of the time.  I’m sure I climbed more trees after falling and breaking a rib.  I’m also sure that I didn’t use a highchair or anything to climb one.  I’m also guessing that I had no doubts about the state of the limb I was hanging on.  I bet everyone of them were very much alive.

What I didn’t tell you were the extremes I would go to in order to fit in with those that I needed to be a part of.  I don’t remember how old I was when the following happened.  I know it was well before the breaking of the nose.

My cousin used to live a couple of lots away from a small wooded area.  We knocked around in those woods so many times.  On many occasions we would be proving our strength to each other by knocking down 1″ diameter dead trees.  We were tough I tell ya!

On this particular day my family went to visit his family.  My cousin and I decided to take his brother’s BB gun to the woods to shoot…things.  It was one of those pump 10 times BB guns.  It was sweet!  I’m not sure, but I think our folks even allowed it.

We headed off in the direction of the woods and my cousin started telling me about this club he and some friends had started.  Well, I just had to become a member of this club.  It was very important for me to be a part of it.

I asked how I could be a part of it.  Well, the initiation to this club didn’t sound all that pleasant but he assured me that all of them had already done their initiation and were full fledged  members.  If I wanted to become a member, I would have to let him pump the BB gun 1 time and shoot me in the foot!  Or was it 5 times?  Shoot.  I can’t remember.  Really, I don’t think it matters.

Either way, it did sound bad, but not that bad.  Not bad enough for me to say no.  After much deliberation.  Much nervousness.  Much assurance from him that everything would be fine. It barely even stung, he said.  I had to be in this club.  I said ok.   Yeah.  I know, right?!?

So we stopped our journey.  Close to the woods and out  of sight from the folks.  He pumped the bazooka 1 time.  Aimed at my foot.

I closed my eyes.  I waited for the click.  The sting of the BB bouncing off my foot.  How bad was it going to hurt?  Doesn’t matter.   I gotta be tough.  No crying!

**PFFFTTT*

It felt like a tree landed on my foot.  Or maybe my ankle had stopped a small 18 wheeler in it’s tracks.  It did not sting, at all.  Nope.  It hurt like nobody’s business!

“OWWWW!”

I think that’s what I said.  Ow. Ow. Ow. I said as I was jumping around, on one foot mind you, trying not to cry.  The pain was excruciating.  He was helping by trying to make me laugh make me forget.  It didn’t work.

I looked down and sure enough, right there in my foot was a little red dot.  No, wait.  It was a little bright red spot.  A hole is more like it.  About the size of a bb right there in the top of my foot, where it bends.

Bleeding and hurting, I limped back to his house.  I don’t remember if I cried or not.  But it didn’t matter. I was now in the club.  Hobbled, but in the club.

Now we had to come up with something to tell the folks.  They can’t know about the club.  So, the only thing that made sense was what we told them.

We were hunting squirrels and I got shot in the foot.  Yep.  Genious!  It apparently worked.  But now there was the issue with a BB stuck in my foot.

Well, there is so much more to this story.  I’ll not bore you with it tonight.  Let’s just say it involves an ER visit.  Them taking the BB out.  The anesthesia wearing off before they got the BB out. The rest of the story involves a lot of pain.

Later in life my cousin told me that the club didn’t exist.  He didn’t get shot in the foot and he probably pumped the gun about 15 times.

It is a funny story later in life.  But as of late it has made me wonder, why?  Why was I so gullible?  Why would I let things like that happen to me?  All through my school years, I wanted to fit in about that bad.  Why?  How much of that type thinking brought me to my drinking thinking?

I don’t have the answers.  I’m still looking for them.  Probably will until the day that I go to my grave.  What’s my lesson to be learned from all of these thoughts?

Because of HIM

SC