Been praying a lot today for what is coming up soon. Real soon.  Like, in about 13.5 hours from the time of this writing. 

Though I’ve known the day was coming, the reality of it hasn’t really set in until today.  Nervousness, fear, doubt, wonder.  All of those emotions barged in uninvited to my day and have made themselves at home.  I’ve asked them to go away, to no avail.

You see, tomorrow is mediation day.  My lawyer and I.  My ex-wife’s lawyer and her. A mediator between us. Trying to come up with a different custody plan with the kids.  The way I understand it, we won’t be in the same room together which is a definitely a plus.   If all goes well tomorrow we can keep this (and the kids) 0ut of court.  I’ve just got to be a bit stronger than I have been in the past with her. 

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Because of HIM

SC

That single word that causes toes to curl, heads to hurt, and body parts to just go numb, at even the thought of the word, much less reading about it. Stress.  One of the finer mysteries of life that I have recently been forced to acknowledge.  Not because this is me taking part in the What I Learned From project over at Middle Zone Musings, but because I’ve never had to “deal” with it in the past.  I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface on this word stress.  I can share a little about the subject though.

It Can’t Be Ignored

What I’ve learned most about stress is that there is no way it can be ignored.  Doesn’t matter how hard a person tries to drown it out, stress is going to be the one coming up breathing.  

It took me a while to realize this.  I only learned about stress, I mean really learned about it, recently as I have been growing/recovering.  You see, stress is most likely the biggest reason that alcohol took control of my life.  Granted, I am an alcoholic, and as stated in a previous post, looking back I knew at 16 or 17 (subconsciously I think) how I was going to deal with stress for the next 17 or 18 years.  My focus though is not on the disease for this article, but on the stresses of the disease.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that over time, ignoring stress was only going to prolong the inevitable.  Drinking to cause stress to go away only added more stress, more fuel to the fire, more alcohol to take away the fuel.  It was a vicious cycle.  And you know, stress never did “go away.”  Funny thing is, it’s still around today and I don’t have to alcohol to take it away!  What’s an alcoholic to do?!?

Learn How to Deal

Uh, yeah, OK.  I did deal. I drank right? I mean that was “Dealing.” No? 

No no my friend.  That got me no where.  The way that I deal now though is still a work in progress, and some of the dealings have only hit me over the last couple of weeks.  As of right now, I’ve only got 3 ways that I am able to deal with stress.  Remember, I am a work in progress (at 35..jeez.)

• Awareness
• Meditation
• Motivation

Awareness – It is my opinion that awareness of stress, obviously, must happen first in order to be able to start “dealing” with it.  I have become so aware of it recently that I can tell you which days of the week are going to be my most stressful. I am also aware of the generic “why” these days are most stressful, but I have yet been able to say “Oh, that’s why I’m so stressed.”   Again, the blog that I posted yesterday on this site has a little more detail on my personal journey with stress.  Once I became more aware, I could then use a tool that I had used in the past, just use it in a different way.

Meditation – I’m a firm believer in the many uses of meditation.  Not the least of these is releasing some of the stresses of the day. In fact, just today, meditating on one particular item of stress in my life has generated a resolution, or should I say built me up to be able to perform the resolution.  I won’t go into the problem here.  Again, my opinion, but if you practice it enough, meditation can be one of your greatest tools that you will use on your journey through life.

Motivation – Now that I am able to be aware of stress, and have a tool to manage it, I often use these as motivation to look for more stress.  I know that just sounds weird, but the more stress I can pull out and “fix” the better my life is going to be.  It also motivates me to tell stories of my wanderings and share them here, on tecthought, with you.

Finally

I’ll say it again, this stress thing seems kinda new to me.  I’m now in the process (motivation) to find other tools to manage stress.  How do you deal with your stress?  I’m curious.  Feed me.

Let me help you help yourself!
SC

I started sharing my meditation story  a couple of nights ago, planning on going somewhere completely different than where I ended up.  I guess that’s part of poor planning on my part, but I liked where I ended up, so I left it.  I will again attempt to go where I wanted. 

The Points

Meditation has really helped me through the trials of life in several different areas.  

• Keeps me relaxed 
• Keeps me closer to God
• Keeps me focused on my destination

I will not go into the process at this point, but I may share with you bits and pieces of my routine that help in the areas I’ve mentioned.  There is a link at the end of the article to sound files that help me with guided meditation.

Relaxing

Focusing on my breathing brings emotions, thoughts, and body rhythm all together and puts me into a state of relaxation that I thought I would never be able to reach on my own. Relaxing is very important while maintaining sobriety.  It seems that my mind races from thought to thought and never stops.  Muscles are tense, the brain is repairing itself, the normal routine of life is just blown apart.  It’s almost maddening, sometimes to the point of drinking to halt the thoughts. Meditation and relaxation brings all of these to a halt and puts me in touch with what’s going on in my body.  I guess it’s like an “out of body” experience, without all the creepy music and lights.  It is a really exhilarating feeling, especially at night right before bed.

Closer to God

While focusing on breathing, I often recite the Serenity Prayer:

With each breath in, I recite a line of the prayer, focusing on the words and before I know it, I am having a full conversation with God.  Not like prayer talk, just like talking to a friend.  Sometimes it seems there are answers to questions, questions posed, and lessons learned.  A presence of God in the room that can be felt.  In touch. Close to God.  Always thanking him for his help through the day, and getting a pat on the back.

Focused on My Destination

That destination being another day without drinking.  Simple, yet at times trying and very difficult.  As I stated before, meditation brings “everything” in to focus.

Perfection?

I have not kept this up through the whole 7+ months.  There was a spell of about 3 months where I didn’t meditate a single day.  I have now been meditating nightly (sometimes in the middle of the day) and there is such a different feeling, stress level, and spirit of well being now, than there was at any point during the 3 months that I was not meditating.  Those 3 months have taught me just how important this process is.

For Everyone?

I think meditation is only for those who are struggling in any area of life.  Are you?  If you are, and I’m gonna guess that just about anyone (everyone) reading this is struggling with something, try meditating.  Give it some time, you probably won’t be able to just take off and get into that “state.”   Like anything else, it requires practice and patience, but the payoff will be grand! Promise.

Audio Dharma (Don’t let the images and name scare you into thinking it’s some kinda of weeeee oooooo thing)

Let me help you help yourself!

SC

We sat in the room, dimly lit by two candles…..  

  It was close to the end of my time here.  Looking back it seems that all events were leading up to this one session.  Everything that had happend the last couple of weeks was now going to be put into perspective by something completely unexpected. Something that, though I heard about it in the past, and even tried it on my own, was going to a complete waste of my time.  I laughed and groaned when the thought crossed my mind that I was just about to do this.  It never worked before, why in the world would it work now? Can’t I go do something else, I thought.  I had no choice though, I had to do it, or risk something I’m sure.

Please put down anything that you are holding in your hand…..

  The groan again. The lack of belief or positive thought.  Again I obliged cause I had too.  I’m 34 years old, this is just so not me. This is so hippieish. There is no way this is going to do anything for me.  My mind raced through all of these thoughts as the sound of the ocean filled the room.

Close your eyes and concentrate on your breath…..

  I relaxed.  Hmm, concentrate on my…..it was warm as it filled my nostrils. I could feel my chest rising and falling with every breath…..what am I doing, this isn’t going to work….Breathe in…Breathe out…put any stray thoughts on your breath as you exhale, releasing them into the room…relaxing with every breath.. Where did my thoughts go?  

You feel your arms getting heavy……

 Yeah right, I’ll show him… “HEY, I CAN’T MOVE MY ARMS!” It’s working.  Ok. Ok. Calm down. This is just too weird, just let go….I was, I was, meditating. Not just meditating, meditating successfully even!

I remember just about everything about that session….

   It still amazes me to this day.  Walking on the beach, feeling the sand between my toes, smelling the ocean, feeling the breeze hitting my face, all the while sitting in a room just barely even close to a river, much less an ocean. There was a campfire in the distance that I was walking toward, that was my destination.  After several minutes I reached my destination.

Throw your worries into the coals…..

  I did.  I remembered the shape that the smoke made as the worries were burned in the coals.  I walked down to the ocean, drew the shape into the sand, and as the waves came, the worries were washed away.  I can’t even describe how vivid this is in my mind.  

Ask God what you are to do, then just listen……

(Ok, this is quite Twilight Zoneish, and for those of you who think I may be a freak, I must apologize.  Remember though, you weren’t there, I was, and I am very skeptical about everything.)

I listened, I heard the ocean, I felt the spray from the waves and I heard a voice. Yes it was a deep, demanding, powerful voice, “You will help many as many have helped you.  Don’t worry about relationships.  Take care of yourself and everything will fall into place.”

Life Changing Moment

It was God.  At that point, right then, I knew I was going to be OK.  Remember, I hadn’t been to church in forever and I felt as though God was right there by my side just as plain as day.  Without him, higher power they say in AA, I would not be here writing this now.  My relationship with God has been growing since and that is why I get my AA from my church family.  They are a wonderful bunch.  

You don’t have to have God to get through your issues. You can try do it on your own.  Just let me know how that turns out for you, and when you are ready to approach your struggles the correct way, at the very least come back here and let me help you do it the right way.  No, I don’t have all the answers, but I have the answer.

For starters, might I recommend sitting in a room dimly lit by two candles……….

Let me help you help yourself!

SC