The myelogram and CT Scan went off without a hitch on Monday.  I’ve not heard any results as of this writing, but I have left a message with the Dr.’s office to call me back with the results.

The procedure was, well, different.  It wasn’t necessarily a painful procedure, but the couple of days after have been less than desirable.  I say “that painful” because it was a bit uncomfortable.  I mean, I had someone poking a needle in my back and pushing some foreign liquid into my spine.  Not the most friendly thing I could have had done.

The Procedure-Pre-Op

Like they always do, I had to have some blood taken.  I made the mistake of letting the nurse know that it was my birthday and that she better take it easy on me.  I’ll keep my mouth shut one day.

After I had told her this, she yelled across the room to another nurse, “Bring me a butterfly, please!”  Not knowing what a “butterfly” was in nursing terms, I asked.  She, not so quietly said, “It’s a little baby needle.”

Great.  Now the whole world, or the part of the world that was in that area, knew I was a wimp.  But I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt, at all!  I may have to tell the next person to want my blood that it’s my birthday.

Of course, the nurses were extra nice. We laughed and cut-up.  No pun intended.  My “clowning around” personality came through I guess.

The Procedure – Conflict

The next stop was the X-ray room.  Considering I kind of knew what was about to happen, I still wasn’t all that worried or nervous, which worries me and makes me nervous.

The first item up for business was the explanation of the process and where they were going to be focusing the tests.  My cervical spine, aka the neck, is the only location they were going to be scanning.

This bothered me because I just don’t think the problem is in my neck.  I think it’s lower down, in my thoracic area.  We talked for a few minutes, I almost put the process off, the X-ray Tech called the Dr’s office to confirm that this is what he was waning, it was, so I did.

The Procedure

They had me lie down on the x-ray table, face down and they had these should rests that I had to make sure my shoulders were firmly placed against.  Why?  I’ll tell you shortly.

Some dude in a white coat then comes in to do the poking.  He told me that I needed to lie still and that I was going to feel a sting.  These guys amaze me.  He was right to a certain extent.  I wouldn’t so much call it a sting though.  Stings, sting.  This kind of hurt pretty bad.

He was just applying the anesthetic.  Now, I’m not sure what the difference would have been had he not done this.  I’m thinking he has to use a needle in both instances so why not just do the do once?

Either way, he then told me I would feel pressure.  Spot on.  I then may feel some tingling and some discomfort in my legs, head and pressure in my ears.  Pretty much spot on.  Pretty much. As quickly as he came, he was done and the dye was in.

Now, they were going to be scanning my neck but they stuck the needle and inserted the dye in my lower back.  “How does that work?” you say.  Remember the shoulder rests?

It was at this point that they tilted the table so that I was head down which allowed the dye to run from the lower back to my neck.  Turns out it’s easier to insert things into the spine from the lower back.  The vertebrae aren’t as close together down there.

I could feel the dye running up my back and it was at the point it reached my shoulder area that the majority of the pain I experienced happened.  It felt like there was a fire burning under my skin that spread out to both of my shoulders.  No, I don’t know how that actually feels but I have an idea now.  I thought maybe that was where the problem was with my back.  Maybe it had leaked out and they would see the actually problem causing so much pain.  I didn’t like this part at all and they didn’t seem too concerned, so I quit crying.

The rest of the process was pretty dull.  They took a few x-rays while I was in there.  Moved me to various positions.  No big deal.

Next was a log-roll onto a gurney where I went for a ride to get the CT scan.  I log-rolled to that table, some scans done, and then I was in the recovery room for the next hour, I was told it would be an hour anyway.

The Procedure – Post-Op

Fourty-five minutes later, I was laying in the recovery room on a table that was inclined to get the dye to again move back down to my neck.  They had to perform another scan.

What does this mean?  Why are they doing ANOTHER scan?  I’m not sure.  My thoughts were that they found something and needed to get another look.  Or maybe I moved and they didn’t get a good scan the first time.  I’m sticking with the first thought.

The recovery at home was worse than the actual process.  A lot of discomfort in my lower back and it’s taken a couple of days now to get back to some sort of comfort level.

Anyway, not sure what the tests will show.  I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Conclusion

If you are ever told that you will need the procedure, don’t worry about it.  It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Because of HIM

SC

Had my monthly visit with the pain management doctor today.  I love
traveling around this time of year even on those short 45 minute trips.

The weather was perfect.  Perfect for driving with the windows rolled down.  Well, except for the allergens in the air.  They kind of got too me on the way back.  Even in pain, it was a nice drive.

The visit was pretty normal.  Trying different combinations of medicine in hopes of getting rid of one of the two I’m having to use.  We haven’t had much luck the last few months.  It seems only one combination/strength manages the pain, and even then it’s not perfect.

After surgery, it really is a drag to have to continue to battle this pest.  It was a drag before surgery, don’t get me wrong, but I just had hopes that don’t seem to be realities.  Add to this the fact that my insurance will end at the end of May and the medicines are so expensive without insurance, I just keep getting dragged and dragged.  But, I’ll make it through it.

I am going to have another test soon.  At least before I lose insurance.  They are going to setup a procedure called a myelogram at my request.  Something is wrong back there in my back.

They tell me they don’t see anything wrong, but I can feel something wrong.  So, maybe this test will show something, anything, another option that can be fixed so I can reach my ultimate goal of being pain free and taking zero medication.

It’s going to take a couple of days for them to get back to me, but at least there is another option.  If this doesn’t show anything then I guess the pain is all in my head.  But, I don’t have many headaches.

Because of HIM,

SC

The morning of the surgery wasn’t bad really.  Ok, there are parts to the morning that were bad.  The worst part, for a while, was not being able to drink anything.  More specifically, not being able to drink coffee!

I’m thinking part of that was a mind over matter issue.  The command, “Don’t drink anything after midnight the night before surgery”, made not being able to drink coffee worse, I think.  You know, if someone tells you you can’t do something, what’s the first thing you want to do?  That very thing.  Same principle with the coffee.  I think if they were to rephrase all of that “after midnight” mess, us real folks would be able to deal with it better.

I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I was going to be, for a while.  I took to my own little world on the trip down and stayed there as long as I could.  It really kept the nerves at bay. 

At this point I would say the most worrisome issue was coming home the next day.  Lots of snow was expected.  My mom would be driving me back home, which is worrisome in and of itself.  Add to that that she hasn’t driven in Nashville much, if at all, plus the addition of snow.  Which is why we had planned on staying overnight the next night in a hotel if necessary.  Turns out we didn’t have to do that.  Mom drove us home, with some directions, just fine.  And, I only dirtied up 2 pair of underwear on the trip home.

Anyway, I arrived at the hospital and waited in the waiting room.  There were about a gazillion other folks there, so I thought I was going to have to wait a while.  I was still doing much better than I thought I would be.  A little nervous by now I’m sure.  But, I was ready to get this over with.

The waiting wasn’t that long and the time between the waiting room and making it upstairs to my room, was uneventful.  It was a very nice room, might I add.  The room was probably between 200 and 300 sq. ft. Half hardwood half normal hospital flooring.  It had a couch that folded out to a bed and it also had a chair and a nice little table between the two.  AND I didn’t have to share the room with anyone.

I did wait in my room for about an hour before anything happened.  Then, the nurse came in and she brought my nerves with her.

Because of HIM

SC

CRASH! CRASH! BOOM! PFFSSHHTT!

“SCOTT!”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Carful he’s pulled out his IV!”

“SCOTT! WAKE UP!”

“I’M ALIVE!!!”  That was the first thought that came to me as I awoke looking up into the bright lights of what I assume was  from the the operating room.  I only assume because I was barely coherent.

I had been dreaming while I was under sedation.  I can’t remember what it was about exactly, but I remember being in a sword fight.  Fitting, I guess.  Dreaming of swords while undergoing the knife.

There were some more words from the guy behind me.  He wasn’t speaking to me.  I remember some expletives that I’ll not share with you but I heard him say, “CENSORED CENSORED!! He’s pulled out his IV!  Right there!”

A female voice said something that I couldn’t understand.

“I don’t give a CENSORED!  Needs to worry about the patient instead of that CENSORED CENSORED stupid phone.”

“Scott!  You’re OK!  You pulled out your IV,  just calm down for us!”

I did.

“Right there it’s on his side,” he said to the female voice.

“Sorry.” I said.  Tried to say anyway.  It was pretty hard to talk.

“It’s ok Scott.  You didn’t know what you were doing.”

My throat felt as if an elephant was sitting  on it and he had glass shards on his rump.  They had said I would have a sore throat when I awoke.  Couldn’t have been a more gross understatement.  Obviously, this guy has never been intubated.  Ever tried to swallow with an elephant on your throat?  It hurts.

A quick check of my teeth to make sure that all of my caps were in place and no chipped teeth.  The anesthesiologist said that in some cases they do slightly chip patients teeth while intubating.  Everything seemed to be in place.  It was hard to tell since my tongue, mouth, and lips felt as if they were covered by 100 grit sandpaper.  Covered or replaced that is.

“Chapstick.” I screamed in a barely audible rough voice.

“What?”  the sore throat guy said.

“I need some chapstick. Lips dry.”  I said in that very same rough scraggly voice that sounded like someone who had just had a tube yanked from his throat.  That’s right.  The first thing I asked for that I can remember was, chapstick.  I can’t stand dry lips.  I think there will be tons and tons of chapstick in Heaven.

“We might have some grease for your lips.” the female voice said.  Don’t think I ever got my chapstick or my grease until later.

“Mouth’s dry,” was my next attempt at a statement.  Soon after I had a mouthful of ice.  Now that I think about it, I wonder if they shoved so much in there just so that I couldn’t talk?  Didn’t care.  It was the BEST ice ever and at least the sandpaper was going away.

“HURTS!”

“OK. Just give me one second and I’ll fix you up.” Jan said.  That was the nurse that got me ready for surgery and also was there to wake me up.

My vision was blurry.  I was back in my room now.  Still not sure exactly how I got back to my room.  A very nice room at that.  I’ll have more about that in my next post. 

I looked at the clock.  Almost 1:30PM.  Surgery had taken about an hour or so.  I then glanced at the motion to my left and saw Jan moving toward my IV tubes, hoping she was about to administer something for this excruciating pain that was coming on me from so many different places.

“OH! IT HURTS!”

“Here is some Fentanyl,” Jan said.

“Ahhhh.” came the last thought I had as the medicine hit the pain.

And I slept.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

I have had dreams and I have had nightmares, but I have conquered my nightmares because of my dreams.-Jonas Salk

Image by foxspain via Flickr

In rehab, patients are provided with a HUGE list of medicines to be on the look-out for as they can trigger a relapse.  Obviously, anything narcotic is a no-no and I have done very well NOT having to resort to something that strong, until this past week.  Friday actually.

Been a trying week for me mentally and physically.  Thursday’s pain was bad enough that I visited the chiropractor and he snapped and popped places that I’m pretty sure have NEVER been snapped and popped before.  It was scary because of the what if’s.  What if he makes it worse?  That was about the only “what if” I was concerned about but I was desperate for relief, and in the end, this provided some…..for a while.

Thursday night the pain was back with a vengeance and showed no signs of letting up on Friday.  The medication that I had was not touching it in the least.  The pain was thought wrenching, always staying at the forefront of my mind. Nagging and crying out to me for a resolution.

There were a couple of episodes that involved tears from frustration and pain and wonder.  I felt I had no choice but to make the call that I made and find some relief.  I must admit, the previous pain-killers and pain had beaten me down into depression and frustration to where I was NOT 100% confident that I could handle the medication and NOT relapse.

I did have some confidence though.  Reflections of the last year and how much I have been blessed.  How much more good there has been in my life than bad.  No, it’s not been perfect and I have days of wonder.  Days I have had to literally cry out to God multiple times to seek comfort.  But you know.  At least I have that option.  “That” was enough for me to decide to make the call.

But still….What if?

Well, I left work early on Friday after calling the doc to get my medication.  Headed home, built up strength, and prepared to take it.  I had taken the same thing once before at the hospital but I did not fill the prescription.  I ripped it up.  It was too enticing, too tempting.  But this time it was relief…with an evil grin.  And I took it.

It brought back memories of days I have not wanted to re-live.  Feelings of numbness and a don’t care attitude.  Not really any other feelings.  It took away the emotional pains that I’ve been struggling with.  But, it also took away the physical pains as well.  It served it’s purpose.

It also brought back the nightmares.  When it wore off, I experienced what I could only describe as being hungover.  Completely drained of all energy.  Most definitely a feeling that I didn’t like.  It’s for that reason that my confidence returned.

I’ve only taken 2 pills the whole day today.  The morning was a bit rough so, I took one. Mid-day was actually the best I’ve felt in days as far as pain goes.  This evening the pain was returning, so I’ve taken another in hopes of warding off any pains during the night.

It’s gonna be alright though.  Either way, I’ve still got God to carry me through this.  He will.

Because of HIM

SC