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It’s been a really rough/tough year.  The bulging disc I have in my neck has caused pain that has pretty much taken over life.  It has been hard to do anything because the pain is so prominent.  Even writing here on the blog has been tough, as you can tell from my absence.  I have desires to write, but those desires soon gets taken over by the pain and I don’t want to do anything but make it go away.  I’m hoping that gets resolved soon because I really miss writing and doing other things that I like and finding new things that I don’t know that I like.

Some may not know this, but on Jan 6th at noon, I’ll be going under the knife.  A 45 minute surgery to perform a disc fusion in my neck.  I’m ready for it.  I’m beyond ready to get rid of this pain and get some normalcy of life back.  Including writing and everything else I’ve been wanting to do.

So, I’ve been thinking.  Scary, I know.  If you are just starting recovery and you feel on top of the world, let me warn you.  You are going to experience life’s hardships.

The first year of my recovery I can remember how great everything was.  I felt invincible almost.  It was a feeling like I had reached the pinnacle of life and I could handle anything that came at me.

During the second year, reality struck and life hasn’t been so easy.  Reality being that I’m not even close to invincible.  Situations ARE going to come up that I have absolutely zero control over.

Situations have occurred where I knew that I needed to listen to God and let him take control.  I’ve really struggled with those situations the most.  Mainly because I want control.  Even if I tell myself and tell God that I’m letting him have it, I can’t keep my paws off of it.  It’s selfishness, and us alcoholics thrive on it.  One hundred percent of the time, those situations don’t go away and often they get worse.  Still, I want control.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not real sure how we are supposed to let go of it.  So, I’ve been trying to figure that out within the last quarter of this year.  It’s a work in progress.

I’m so glad that during that first year of recovery I worked hard on my new foundation.  I’m glad that I had taken so much time recognizing that God is my rock.

I shutter to think how much different this year could have been had I not done exactly everything that I did during the first year.  I would be lying if I said that during this rough time I’ve never had a thought about alcohol.  There have been times where it would have been so easy to give in.  But, I thank God that I was given the chance to build my relationship with him.  It’s because of that, that I didn’t let any of those thoughts hang around and I didn’t act on any of them.

For your recovery’s sake, if you don’t believe in God, find your higher power and sink as much time as you can into recognizing just how powerful and wonderful and great it is.  I do pray that you will soon see that, that higher power is God.  For now though, just don’t do life on your own.

As I have been writing this, the “pink cloud” keeps coming to mind.  During my first year, I heard this cloud mentioned so many times and had no clue what folks were talking about.  Now, I realize that during part of that first year I was riding the pink cloud.

Because of HIM,

SC

This is the third and final part of this series.  If you’ve missed the other posts you can catch up starting with A Hit on an Old Thought, A Hit on an Old Thought – Part 2. 

On my own?

As I stated in a prior post, I know I can not stay sober doing this on my own.  “This” being recovery and the lifelong process that is involved.  I have someone that I pass my disease off to everyday.  Who?  The one I trust the most and knows what’s best for any situation I’m in, God. 

When my day is over and I haven’t had a thought of alcohol, I always thank him for taking care of me. 

I feel more comfortable dealing with my disease knowing that He will do more for me than going to AA could do.  In return, I’ve dedicated my life to doing whatever he desires of me.  I’m not perfect at this part of the return, but perfection is only something I strive for. 

Now instead of going around constantly thinking that I am an alcoholic, I can spend my time thinking of how I can be a better Christian. 

My Support Group

I also have a huge support group.  I don’t mind telling folks my struggles so my church family also knows that I am an alcoholic.  They don’t look down on me, well some might still but that’s not my problem. I know the group is there if I ever need to talk to someone, even some that are having to live with and fight alcoholism.  It’s the best support group that a person could have with the best leader there ever was and ever will be.

Conclusion

So, I don’t have to constantly be thinking about me being an alcoholic.  I don’t have to hear the horror stories of life past, nor do I have to think of my personal horror stories.  After all, it’s all in the past and it’s OK to forget about it I think. 

Some will argue against that and I suppose it’s ok.  I’m having the best times of my life and I know it would be so much different if I were still going to AA meetings every night. 

It is so nice to spend my time thinking about my current life, how I can be a better Christian, and continuing to build my relationship with God, Jesus, my kids, myself, and all of my brothers and sisters. 

I was going to say that what is working for me won’t work for everyone but I don’t believe that for a second.  God will help you with any addiction that you are having trouble with.  All it takes is you becoming a slave to God.  But, it’s ok.  No, it’s better than OK, it’s fantabulous!

Because of HIM

SC

For the first part of this series go visit A Hit on an Old Thought

Let Me Explain

I’ve heard the phrase “You are what you think” and I’m still struggling with whether I believe that or not.  I suppose there is, or can be, a lot of truth to it.  After this three part series I’ll be posting another thought that goes along with that same phrase.  I suppose I’m talking myself into believing it.

Looking back, “You are what you think” is a reason that I am better off out of the rooms than in them.  I don’t know about you, but often my thinking gets me in states of mind that I’d just soon not be in.  While I was in the rooms a common saying that I would hear was “Stinkin thinkin” and the thought was as alcoholics, when we start thinking our alcoholic thoughts, we are just getting that much closer to drinking, again.

But of all the good that came from this “You are what you think” I think more harm (re-reading now and harm may not be the choicest of words) can be done than good.  We introduce ourselves as alcoholics when speaking.  That’s nothing you’ve not heard about or seen on TV.  The stories we tell are centered around alcohol and all of the bad things that it did in our lives.  Even a lot of the private conversations were centered around this same thing.

I was always thinking about my disease.

Therapy

This was very therapeutic, don’t get me wrong.  In it’s basic form it kept me on my toes and also remind me that I’m not alone in my struggle.  It gave me a chance to shine.  It made me feel good about myself.  If not good at least I didn’t feel like the worst person on the face of the planet.

I don’t know how it works.  I don’t know how talking about something that had consumed me for so long helped me to overcome that something.  But, it worked.  It has worked for others for years.  It will continue to work.  And it works in other areas of addiction, it’s not just for alcoholics.

There came a time when I think I just got tired of the therapy. 

Even after hearing all of the horror stories of relapse from those who had quit going to their meetings, quit staying in touch with their sponsors, and struck out on their own doomed for failure because of “stinkin thinkin”, I was ready to move on.  Ready to stop thinking about this demon, alcoholism, all the time.  Ready for a different type of therapy.

Just so you know

I am still aware of several things.  Yes, I’m an alcoholic.  No, I can never forget that.  I don’t have to discuss it constantly to be aware of that.  No, I will not be able stay sober on my own.

Next post I will let you know how I’m doing it.  I’ll fill you in on my current therapy.  If you’ve been around here very long at all, I’m guessing you already have a pretty good idea how.

Because of HIM

SC

I know I’ve written about this, or something very similar.  Sometime something someone (lot’s of somes there) says in conversation sparks the same old thoughts I’ve had in the past, yet my views or answer may have changed a tad.

I’m not sure if this change is because of maturity, a cleaner head, better thinking or what.  All I know is I’ve had this thought in my head for a bit over a month now and I feel a need to share it, again.  Maybe I just need to get it out of my head and it’s one of those thoughts that may help you, or someone you know, in the future.

First Things First

Let me first say right off that AA and what it does for folks and what it did for me is something along the lines of fantabulous.  The AA program, I think, is one of those programs, and I hate to use the word program here, that has really made and continues to make a huge change in the lives of many which causes a change in the world. 

That world may only be as large as the family that is directly affected by alcoholism but to some that is the only world they have.   AA changes that world for that one person and yes I think that the result is something borderline miraculous.  Not so sure I wouldn’t call it a miracle now.

So, if you are walking into the rooms daily, hang in there.  My hats off to you.  My hats off to all those who keep it going.  I hope for the lives of so many others that will need it in the future that AA will be around for years to come.  I hate, HATE, the reason it has to be around but that mess is never going to go away.

Let’s Get Physical

As I said earlier, this thought resurfaced a month or so ago and I have had lots of time to think about it.  I had someone say they were concerned that I was no longer attending my recovery groups and they wanted to know why.

Now is where I get a bit nervous in my writing.  Now is the point where my stomach starts to cramp from the dread and the worry.  I hope that none of you in the rooms take this personally.  The following is only my opinion.

This is one of the reasons I am glad I no longer attend AA meetings.  I’ll fill you in again on what I’m doing instead of AA because there is a method to my madness…..sometimes.

I think if I were still going to AA meetings regularly, and by regularly I mean no less than 3 times a week, then I really think my life and my lifestyle would not be what it is today.  I honestly don’t think, for me, that it would be anywhere near as good as what I have today.  And that isn’t much.

End of Part 1

Well it looks as though if I kept going this post would turn into a novel.  I’m going to have to break this up into two, possibly three, posts.  I know how much you guys enjoy that. 

Next post I’ll have more room to do my explaining.  More than likely the third post will finish up and I’ll again fill you in on what I’m doing in my life to make me feel that way.

I hope you’ll come back and visit.

Because of HIM

SC

“Hey there!  Come on in, have a seat.  Glad to see ya! Can I get ya anything?  No?  Alrighty then.  I’m a recovering alcoholic, and we sure do like our coffee.  Do ya mind if I get some?  It should be about done. Thank Ya.  I’ll be right back.  Make yourself at home. Oh, and don’t mind the cats.  Only one of them might bite ya.”

You look around the living room of my luxurious 1220sq ft home, (uh..wonder which one might bite) nestled in the big town of Lafayette, TN.  There are some prints on the blue..and man I mean…blue blue walls.  The Old Guitarist by Picasso hanging by the computer  monitor, which is giving a slight glow to the room.  Got Van Gogh – The Starry Night hanging above the couch there behind you.  Nice comfy home.  A little messy, but I am an alcoholic, not as messy as one might thing.  You can tell that I’m working on things around here.  Cabinets are getting painted, walls getting painted.  Getting things back in order.

“So, How are ya? Think about that one, maybe I’ll give you a chance to answer that one later.  What can I do for you?”

“What’s that?”

“Aww shucks, you ain’t interested in hearing about my road to recovery, surely.”

“Oh, that’s why your here.  Cause the sign above the door said “My Road to Recovery”.  Well, I guess that kinda makes sense that that’s why you would be here.”  

“Tell ya what.  I’ll share it with you.  Promise me one thing though, If I’m gonna spill it and it gets boring, please don’t up and leave, awright? It’s kinda long, so I’ll just go ahead and apologize, but you did ask for it you know.”  

“Let’s see..where to start?”

“Well, I’m not gonna go into all the drinking stuff that I used to do.  I might tell you some of that later.  I’m gonna start back…oh…sometime around September of 2007……..

I was tired of the feelings that I had every morning when I got up.  Having to put the red eye in, making sure I even had the red eye relief.  Then going about my “normal” life.  But this day I was going to be different, for a while.

I didn’t drink anymore.  I took it upon myself to just stop.  I broke down, broke my friends and families hearts, and told them about my problem and how I could do it on my own, even though most of them thought otherwise, but hey, I’m an alcoholic and I’m always in control, right?  

Well I did stop drinking, for a while.  I went through the night sweats.  Man, those were the coldest sweats I’ve ever had.  You know how it feels when your sleeping at night, and your fever breaks, how you wake up in that little puddle of sweat colder than a cucumber in December?  Well, it wasn’t a puddle that I was laying it.  I had to flip my mattress up when I left for work so that it could dry out before I got home.  It was just horrible.    

I got the shakes.  Thought one night I was gonna shake my brain loose.  Didn’t hardly sleep a wink for about a week or two.  But I did it, for a while.  Work was horrible.  I couldn’t keep from shaking, I tried to hide it, but I’m guessing everyone saw it.  Mind was going about 150 gazillion miles an hour.  

Fast forward, oh, I’d say to November.  I, well the alcoholic voice in my head,  had decided that I finally had a hold on my drinking. It wouldn’t hurt me to have a drink or two one Friday night.  Guess you can see where I’m going with this huh?  Well, I did drink a couple.  A couple of 12 packs.  In one night!!!  Just like I hadn’t stopped a bit.  Took up right where I left off.  

Didn’t go looking for no help.  I was gonna just drink for a while then do it all over again.  Just hide it from everyone and pretend everything was ok.  I done did it once, right?

Now, I didn’t have “it” as bad as some of em out there might tell ya they had it.  See, I was a…uh..a what they call, a functioning alcoholic still.  I was holding down my job, caring for my children, able to still live a not so abundant life, but just barely.  Didn’t drink any during the day, well, weekday.  I don’t think I would be saying that today had I not done something..but anywho.

Well, come February, I was still drinking like a fish.  But, all the drinking was catching up to me.  I was getting really really tired of that voice in my head every waking moment, constantly lamenting about needing alcohol, wanting alcohol, counting alcohol, smelling alcohol, breathing alcohol.  I could tell things were just about to hit the fan.  I could see me loosing my job, friends.  Shoot even my life.  

So, I got up one day in September, just on the verge of loosing it all and I cried.  No, not like boo hoo, I mean I cried like a little baby.  Shoot, I might just break down and cry on ya right here..I’ll try not to though.  I remember it vividly, I prayed to God whom I had abandoned a long time ago.  I prayed so hard for him to make it stop.  In my mind I was saying, Make the voice GO AWAY GOD! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!  And then I screamed.  I screamed so loud.  I told that voice to “SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! I CAN”T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!!!” (sorry mom)

Oh…Sorry about the screaming there.  Got lost on the road.  Man it was tough. Don’t much like going back there.  But that’s the worst of it.  

I had had enough.  That was February um, I think it was the 22 or 23rd, don’t quite remember the date, might of been earlier.  I was a bit messed up, sorry.  Daddy called and we met here at home quite a bit was said that day, but if ya don’t mind, I’d kinda like to keep that to myself.  Anyway, eventually I said…er..cried that I need help.  We cried together.  I hadn’t seen my daddy cry since he had those kidney stones (wuss..jk dad). Anyway, He worked with a lady whose husband was a recovering alcoholic and arranged for me to meet him. 

He was like an angel…well, a scruffy angel, but still.  He was my way out and I could tell it.  (I need to call him)  He was happy to be alive.  He wanted to help me.  Told me he went to Cumberland Heights in Nashville, TN.  Sobered up and was living the good life.

We talked a little about AA, and the 12 steps. Again, some of that I’ll keep to myself if you don’t mind.  

Well, fast forward again.  The day is now February 24th.  Tomorrow I check my self in for rehab.  Nervous as a cat with his tail under a rockin chair nervous. So, what do you do?  Have one more go at it.  Yep.  I drank, and drank, and drank.  I had already taken off work that week, told them I was going for help.  They were glad, very glad I would say.

Anyway, went to bed..no..passed out that night, woke up the next morning, got in my vehicle and headed to Nashville.  That was the last time I even touched the stuff.  When I got to Cumberland Heights to check in, I still blew something in the Breathalyzer test.  Whew.  I cried when I got there to.  I was by myself, in a strange place, around a bunch of drunks, and was gonna be hanging out with them for 2 weeks.  Kinda looked a bit like a funny farm on the outside.  Turns out, there’s miracles that happen there.  I called daddy for the last time.  I cried..gosh I’m such a cry baby.  

Anyway, I think the journey through Cumberland Heights I’ve got in a story lying around here somewhere.  If you look around here you might find it.  Probably got some questions about that place too I suppose.  

When I left Cumberland Heights, I was out of smokes.  Also, I had heard of the bar down the street that would give you a free beer if you turned in your chip to em when you got out.  I had to drive by it.  Again, I was scared.  I couldn’t do it.  There’s no way.  Well, turns out there is a way.  I made it past the bar.  Then I had to go inside a store and get some smokes.  Walked right by the beer and I ain’t gonna say that I didn’t think nothing about it.  I kinda did.  But I was stronger.  I had God back with me.  

Got back home, met up with “the guy” again and went to my first AA meeting that night, and I went every night until May I think.  

I had gotten back in church and from that point on I found my AA there.  There’s even other alcoholics there that I can talk to if I ever need.  I tell you what.  That bunch of people over there, I love every single one of them.  Ain’t no way I can go back now.  I’m Alive..ALIVE I tell ya.  

Even after all of that.  If I could go back and change one thing, ain’t no way I’d change any of that.  But, I’ve got that in a book around here somewhere to.

Well, that’s my story up until this day.  Things are getting better everyday.  Still got a taste in my mouth that I can’t shake.  Not like alcohol, but like a craving for alcohol.  I’ve gotten used to it though so it don’t bother me too much.  Gum usually takes care of it.  

I sure hope it was worth you coming all the way out here for that story.  If you got any questions, please, feel free to ask.  I love talking about it.  Makes me feel better.  Makes me feel better to have you listening to me too.  I appreciate that.  Hey, if you know someone whose like I was, why don’t ya send em over? Let me show them how life can be if they want it.

So, How are you doing?”