Image by Iñaki Mateos via Flickr

I’m at one of my weakest points and he knows it.  He’s found a hole in my defense’s and is trying desperately to chip away at the edges and reach my core.  He’s party successful.

He’s found a way to shift my focus from where it should be.  Always keeping me focused on my infirmary.  Worse, keeping me focused on me.

Keeping me locked in pain to the point of becoming nothing but a clump of flesh. A miserable, peace-less, worthless, ball of soft tissue.

The cries of joy have turned into screams of agony.  The winks of love are now winces of hate.

Laughter is just a memory.  Something that was; cause now even the laughter pains me.

The joy that was me.  In me. With me.  He’s carting off in droves.

I feel powerless to stop him.  It’s another of his stupid tactics; he uses it well.

Though I know he is there, more importantly I too know that you, God, are there.  For if you weren’t I’m afraid I wouldn’t be.

I’m reaching out.  I’m hanging on.  I’m going to live again because You love me so.  You showed me so.

Because of HIM,

SC

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Remember the last time you went to a car lot to purchase your next vehicle.  You searched the lot over and over until you found the car that was perfect for you.  After many lots and many salesmen, you finally see it out of the corner of your eye.

It seems to be sitting all by itself in the lot.  There isn’t another one like it around.  Staring at the headlights, it seems to be enticing you over.  Begging you to come take a look.

As you approach the vehicle, you know this is the right one for you. Only you can own this.  The closer you get, the more imagery forms in your mind.  You’ve already pictured yourself sitting in the front seat.  My, how good you would look sitting there.  

You get closer and the imagery keeps going.  You imagine yourself, in your one-of-a-kind vehicle driving through town.  All the folks are turning their heads, admiring your new found luxury.  You just know they are envious, and though it is wrong, it makes you happy.  Makes you feel important.  Kinda, puffs out your chest a bit.

The salesman approaches, sees your dreamy state and he knows he’s got a sale.  You make an offer and after much haggling (or not much..depends) she is yours.  

After the sale and before you drive it off the lot, you sit in the front seat and take one more trip down dreamy lane.  THIS is going to be AWESOME! “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in a vehicle…ever!” you exclaim to yourself.  

You turn the key and hear the motor purr.  Turn the radio on your favorite station.  Put it in drive and ease towards the road.  You pull out onto the road and out of the dream.  It is at that time that it seems every car you pass looks EXACTLY like the one you just purchased!  Same color, same wheels, same everything.  I hate that, don’t you!

Life is a bit like that, except you don’t have to hate it.  No matter what you’ve done, I guarantee you are not the first one to have done it.  

Personally, when have a problem that I think no one else could possibly have, the hardest part is making the sale to myself.  After all the haggling and when I finally buy into this notion that I have a problem, it seems there is someone around every corner that has or has had the same issue.  

Someone is there saying “I got your back” simply by extending a chip that they received from an AA meeting.  Someone is saying, “I quit smoking x years ago. I’m here if you need anything.” Someone saying “I know the struggle that you are facing” and then, I’m not alone any more.  

I’m glad I’m not driving through this life, with all it’s problems, in a vehicle that no one else has.

Because of HIM

SC

Image via Wikipedia

Recently in my time with God, He has been putting something huge on my heart.  I think it’s huge anyway.  I’m not writing this to be pharisaical.  I have had this feeling that I soon need to begin a time of fasting.  It’s not been just a one time thing, but many different messages over several days.

The fasting that I’m feeling that I’m needing to do is a fast from food.  I have never attempted a fast.  In fact, you can look at me and tell that I have not missed enough meals to know what the definition of hunger is.  I’m not doing this to experience hunger.  I’m wanting to do it to fill a hunger.  

It occurred to me last week as I was struggling with sleep.  I wasn’t struggling because of pain, I just wasn’t tired.  Then, I made this statement to a friend online:

“I think all this sleep trouble is because I’m just hungry and thirsty, spiritually. Ya know?” -Me

That statement has stuck and been brought up to others over the last few days.  There is something to that.  I’m finding myself reading and trying to consume more and more of the Word.  More and more talks.  More and more conversations.  Surrounding myself (physically and virtually) with those seeking the same.  Yet, I’m still hungry.  

I’m just now in the planning phase.  The “blueprint” discussion with the contractor.  Not even sure if he wants me to build this yet or not, so I don’t have any dates.  I’ve received some links to a couple of books online to read through to prepare as well.

But, this post isn’t about the fast.  Nope.  Seems like it though I guess.

Lunchtime today. I sat at my desk just opening the Sonic bag, pulling out the order of tater tots, pulling out the SuperSonic cheeseburger and setting them on my desk.  I had a diet coke if that makes it look any better.  I opened the bag that the burger was in and got ready to take that first bite.  I looked over the burger, trying to find that greasy spot to sink my teeth into.  Then I got it.

Spiritual Spam

I received my first Spam message related to fasting.  It came out of nowhere.  Actually, I think it did.  I know who sent it.  Who else but the one that sure don’t want me to be getting any closer to God.  What was the message? Well, it formulated into the following  tweet after I opened it:

“I really enjoy food. Wonder how that’s going to work out when/if We decide to fast?” – Me Again

The heart of the message was, “Scott. You’re not going to be able to fast.  Just look at how good that cheeseburger looks.  You might as well not even think about it anymore.”

Anti Spiritual-Spam

Well, luckily I passed that through my filter and my various anti-Spam tweets came back with the following help:

“ I believe Jesus talked about a fast as getting near to God. If not eating has you focus more on food, you defeat the purpose, no?” – @banklynn

“ That’s why they call it sacrifice. I will not offer anything to God that costs me nothing” -@karenbyrne

“Someone wise recently wrote about not wishing for that which is attainable. No doubts. Take those thoughts captive.” – @karenbyrne

He got caught.  I know who he is.  I know how to fight him. I don’t have to be alone in more ways than one.  But I’m sure that won’t be the last of the Spiritual Spam.

Because of HIM

SC

Image by illustratorsam via Flickr

Prelude

Most of you are aware that I’ve got a herniated disc in my neck.  Little bugger has been giving me horrible fits with pain over the last, what, month or month and a half.  I’ve been going through some physical therapy for about as long, to see if that would/could loosen things up a bit.  Seemed to help…for about a week.  The pain seems to have gradually started to get a bit worse since.

Excitement!

After several weeks of whining about the pain, here, on twitter, at church, at work, and just about everywhere in between.  After taking pain pills to ease the pain over the last month and worrying about becoming addicted to those.  After feeling horrible from the side effects of the pills.  After all the prayers that everyone has said for me about this day, it was here, finally.

Today was the day that I finally returned to my surgeon.  The day I was ready and anxious to hear the words “you” and “surgery” in the same sentence, and them being directed toward me.  Those words, to me, meant relief!

Tension!

I left the office around 1:00ish with about an hour give or take a few minutes travel time.  Plenty of time for surgery to settle in and really start to come into focus.  I was nervous, I’ll admit it.  I mean after all, it is surgery…on my neck..around my voice-box and some pretty important arteries.  This tension built up in my muscles making the drive long and also painful.  But that was OK.  I was going after the fix or at least schedule the fix anyway.

I arrived at the doctors office a little more nervous, but a little more excited!  After about 2 minutes of waiting,

“Mr. Carver.” I heard the angel say, and I proceeded back to the patient rooms.

Stepped on the scales (I’m almost positive I saw the thing say “Error” before it actually gave out the reading), took some blood pressure (111 over 80).

“Have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly” she said.

“Ahhhh”

A minute later, he walks in.  He who has the keys to my relief.

“So, how are you, Mr. Carver”

“I’m hurting from the top of my neck to the middle of my shoulder blades.”

“How are your arms?”

“My wha?”

“Your arms, are they still bothering you?”

“Well, no, they never had been a big problem.  Some tingling every now and then.”

“So your arms are OK?”

“Well, yeah?”

“Blah, blah, blah, blah blah…….

Deflation!

“Surgery probably isn’t going to help you…..blah blah blah blah..pain management….blah blah blah…pain blocker shots….blah blah blah…..helps if you have arm pain….blah blah blah blah…”

Depression!

He just broke the keys!

Now what am I going to do?

Nothing ever works out in my favor!

I can’t deal with this pain!

This is horrible!

Devil!

“See Scott?  Now, you see?  Just, go ahead, go back to drinking cause your life isn’t really all that much better, is it?”

Yep, he was in my head.  He was trying to get me, that pesky varmint.  It gets worse.

“Remember when you were drinking how you knew how everything was going to be?  You had a solution to all the problems.  Here..let me put that taste back on your lips.”

And I could taste it.

“Where is God now, when you need him?”

Duh!

I was listening to my iPod and had downloaded a podcast by Joel Osteen last night.  Never had downloaded before.  Never even thought about listening to him (except seeing him on TV every now and then), until last night when I downloaded it.  Now I know why.

It was time for the ipod to go to the next track, and do you know what it was? It was the podcast I had downloaded last night.  Title? “God Remembers You” The gist of the lesson? When you pray and pray and pray and you feel that God is away from you and you are just about to give up on things, and you tell God never mind, he says “No, No, No.  I told you I had a plan, and I do, I Remember You.”  People may leave you, people may forget you, life may deal you a blow, God promises that he hasn’t nor ever will forget you.

Conclusion

Funny.  After I heard that, I heard no more from the devil.

Because of HIM
SC

Some of you may be wondering, “Well, what happened with the Loritab? How are you doing now?  Did you make it through it?”  (Huh, you say? What are you talking about? See: It’s Scary…It’s Scary) All I can say is I haven’t had a drink, and I’m not taking pills.  I didn’t get my prescription filled for the 15 vicodin because I fear the temptation.  

Thoughts

I have had thoughts, since taking the Loritab, about getting the script filled just so I could take the vicodin and get that high back that I had the other night.  There weren’t many thoughts about it, but all it takes is the wrong thought and 7 seconds of not “dealing with the thought” to fall right back in to something controlling. 

The Deal

Because I have had the temptation, I feel I need to destroy the source of the temptation.  Yeah, it was a strong one.  Here are the results of that destruction:

Wholey Temptation

Broken

The End

That felt good.  Still a bit scary that the temptation was so strong that I felt I had to do that to keep from “going back.” I had to do what I had to do though.  I’m recovering, not cured.  I’ll never be cured.

My Lessons learned – Don’t take Loritab or anything like Loritab.  Be skeptical of all prescribed medications. 

Oh, and my foot?  It’s fine.  Woke up the next day, it was a little stiff, but the pain was almost non-existent. Felt like an idiot for going to the ER, but it hurt real bad. 

Let me help you help yourself!

SC

[digg=http://digg.com/health/How_I_dealt_with_a_strong_temptaion]

Several nights the last few weeks, I have come home around 9 or 9:30PM and as I walk up to my front door, key in hand, I have this thought of how glad I am to be “sane” at this time of night. Going to my house, and not worrying about getting that first drink in my system.  I notice how much more relaxed I seem to be.  It is really exhilarating.

Previous Years

Just last year and for several years prior, at the same time of night, I would have already had 1 or 2 in me and worrying about whether or not I would have enough to get me through the night.  Counting over and over in my head how many I had consumed and how many “cold ones” I had left in the refrigerator.  I couldn’t even enjoy getting drunk because it seems there was always that, worrying about quantity, that haunted me the whole time I was drinking.

I would pace myself and had it almost down to a science.  If I had 6 16oz beers in the fridge, and the time was 8:30PM, I could take a drink every 10 minutes and have enough to get me through until 11:00PM, which is when I usually went to bed.  If I messed up and had finished one before the aloted time, the worry would set in, and on several occasions, I made late night trips to the store just to pickup another 6 just so I would have enough to get me through the rest of the waking hours.

This posed yet another problem.  You see, the next day, after work, I would still stop and pickup 6 just because that’s what I did.  So, when “the time” came I usually had at least 9 cold ones in the fridge.  So, I could drink more this night, drink sooner, and have a  much better drunk.  This in turn really caused my next morning and most of the day to just be miserable and depressing.  

Now

The only concern I seem to have now is how quickly can I get in the bed and get a good nights sleep.  That is so much more relaxing to me.  I also catch myself remembering where I was and it just makes me so thankful that I am the person that I am today.  

Life was no fun at all.  Stress was way up, mostly from having to hide my problem and still try to enjoy it.  I have stories of almost getting caught, that looking back on, makes me feel so childish.  I may share some of those in the future.

I am truly blessed now.  I have so much more respect for life and her little, and sometimes big, nuances.  It seems though, that no matter what she (life) throws at me, I am better equipped to handle the situation, both mentally and physically.

My Plea

Enjoy this life.  Stay away from the things in life that control you.  That something could be alcohol, drugs, food, money, nicotine, just about anything you can imagine could have a control on you.  If you are being controlled by something now, the sooner you accept it, face it and fix it, the better your life will be, that’s a promise.

If you desire a personal correspondence with me, please let me know in the comment section. I will be more than happy to email or even call and chat if that is what you desire.  Just get better, LIFE awaits.

Let me help you help yourself!

SC